Can a MM post here?

[Good&BadGuy]

Before I asked my questions on this board I wanted to first find out if it is OK for a married man who has had/having? an affair (1) to be posting on this board. I will hold off on my story and questions until I'm sure I'm not intruding where I'm not wanted. Your advice will be much appreciated. -GBG

[whichwayisup]

Ofcourse it is. If I or anybody else can, we'll help you out.

 

Be prepared for some who give harsh advice. I do at times but I only say it because it has to be said...Respectfully ofcourse!

[Jolene]

Why not?

 

Generally, not every situation is totally predictable, so if you want to vent or need some advice this is the place to do it.

 

Anonymously.

[LucreziaBorgia]

I'd love to hear more from MM.

[ww]

it`s a free "country"

[Good&BadGuy]

Thanks, I wasn't sure and I know MM aren't to popular, which I understand. No one can be any harsher than I have been with myself.

 

I am an average guy and don't pretend to be anything I'm not, I like athletics, women, beer, kids and having fun. (not in that order) The one thing I don't like are cheaters and then I became one. I had a strong friendship with a woman that we tried not to let go to far and it did. I never played any games with her and she knew my situation and we even talked how if we went past a certain point there could never be a happy ending to it.

 

I have a healthy marriage (except for my cheating) and family life that I thought I would never jeopardize, but totally have. I don't see myself as the stereotypical MM who is an Ass, but I'm no saint and what I have done is crappy. I'm not looking for any pats on the back here.

 

I guess now I want to have the happy ending and not lose my marriage or friend which I know is stupid and not possible.

 

I have not been caught or suspected which I feel like a snake for, I have caused my friend alot of pain and sorrow and don't want to cause her those feelings anymore and she doesn't want them anymore either. We agree the good times we have are great and the bad times between us are the worst. We break it off then and have no contact and then we start talking again and it is so nice and we are friends again like we were before it got physical and it feels great to have that. Then it gets emotional and then physical and is great for awhile then inevitably here comes the bad times and the cycle starts all over again.

 

We even get along during the bad times we both feel bad for each other and take the blame and don't want to hurt each other. I feel bad for being selfish and putting her through it and she feels bad for being overly sensitive about things and getting mad at me for things, which after reading posts here I see her side of things much better.

 

We are at a break right now and still very nice to each other but don't talk much, she says she wants the good parts back but I know she doesn't want the bad that always comes with it. I want her to be happy but she can't ever be truly happy with this?

 

Am I destined to be a cheater from here on out? I don't think I would have with anyone but her.

[whichwayisup]

The only way to break this pattern is to completely end it, walk away and never see or speak to eachother again. And that means by email and IM'ing too.

 

Takes some guts to come and post, I must say everything you wrote is very heartfelt and I do feel for your situation.

 

Put that energy into your wife and family. Try to rekindle that intensity and love for your wife. You say there is nothing wrong with your marriage (more or less) but obviously there is otherwise you would not have allowed yourself to fall for somebody else.

 

Could you tell your wife? Confess to her what happened with the OW? That will absolutely ruin any chances of you and your OW communicating and keeping intouch ever again.

 

It isn't fair to either women right now. Your love is being divided and one of the two is suffering. Yes the OW is hurting but she is getting the energy and love that your wife should be getting from you.

 

Can I ask you something???

 

When with your OW - Do you think and fantasize about your wife?

When you are with your wife do you think and fantasize about OW?

 

Take care and keep posting..

[New_Wife]

If she were a drug, instead of a person, you'd know the answer.

 

She's an addiction, to be sure - but she has feelings.

 

If I can be so assumptive - try Marriage Counseling with your wife and let the other go. There'll be so much drama there - you won't have time for much else.

[ww]

I miss my MM terribly.

[KCKnows]

Originally posted by Good&BadGuy

Thanks, I wasn't sure and I know MM aren't to popular, which I understand. No one can be any harsher than I have been with myself.

 

I am an average guy and don't pretend to be anything I'm not, I like athletics, women, beer, kids and having fun. (not in that order) The one thing I don't like are cheaters and then I became one. I had a strong friendship with a woman that we tried not to let go to far and it did. I never played any games with her and she knew my situation and we even talked how if we went past a certain point there could never be a happy ending to it.

 

I have a healthy marriage (except for my cheating) and family life that I thought I would never jeopardize, but totally have. I don't see myself as the stereotypical MM who is an Ass, but I'm no saint and what I have done is crappy. I'm not looking for any pats on the back here.

 

I guess now I want to have the happy ending and not lose my marriage or friend which I know is stupid and not possible.

 

I have not been caught or suspected which I feel like a snake for, I have caused my friend alot of pain and sorrow and don't want to cause her those feelings anymore and she doesn't want them anymore either. We agree the good times we have are great and the bad times between us are the worst. We break it off then and have no contact and then we start talking again and it is so nice and we are friends again like we were before it got physical and it feels great to have that. Then it gets emotional and then physical and is great for awhile then inevitably here comes the bad times and the cycle starts all over again.

 

We even get along during the bad times we both feel bad for each other and take the blame and don't want to hurt each other. I feel bad for being selfish and putting her through it and she feels bad for being overly sensitive about things and getting mad at me for things, which after reading posts here I see her side of things much better.

 

We are at a break right now and still very nice to each other but don't talk much, she says she wants the good parts back but I know she doesn't want the bad that always comes with it. I want her to be happy but she can't ever be truly happy with this?

 

Am I destined to be a cheater from here on out? I don't think I would have with anyone but her.

 

I could have wrote that entire paragraph myself. Seriously. My MM and I are just like you and your OW. We do the same cycle. It is sad, and we get past it and then pick right back up where we left off. This time however we have now said that we both love each other and we have made it very clear to one another that we are not leaving our spouses. This has worked for us thus far. I think the thing you need to do is set some levels with you and your OW. Do you plan to continue doing this? Do youw ant to end it? If you want to end it then the best possible way you could end it is through honesty with your OW. She will respect you more for that route you take. You didn't mention I don't think if she is married or not?

[HokeyReligions]

Originally posted by Good&BadGuy

I want her to be happy but she can't ever be truly happy with this?

 

I haven't read all the responses yet, but this caught my attention. You want her to be happy. YOU want HER to be happy. I'll bet you've said the same about your wife before this affair ever started and you thought you would never cheat. YOU want YOUR WIFE to be happy too - right?

 

YOU want YOU to be happy too right?

 

What are your priorities in your life? You dont' have to answer, but think about it seriously. Prioritize YOU, HER, WIFE. You mentioned some other things and said (not in that order). Then put the most important things/people in your life IN order.

 

If you are putting yourself at the bottom of the list, then you need to do some serious self analysing. YOU should not come last. For your wife to be happy with you - you need to be happy with you.

 

For your OW to be happy with you - you need to be happy with you. Now which is most important to you -- the OW or your wife? You HAVE to put one of these women first and let the other one go. They will be hurt - but they will at least have a chance to move on and be happy. Keeping them both is hurting them both and hurting YOU.

 

It's too late to not hurt anyone (including yourself). But hurt doesn't have to last forever.

[StillHurtin]

Originally posted by ww

I miss my MM terribly.

 

Do you really? I thought you got M? What is going on? Sorry you are going through this.

 

GoodandBadGuy, you have gotten some great advice so far.

 

My H also had an A but he broke it off w/ the OW shortly after the A even started. He also wanted to continue to be friends w/ the OW but I told him that if he really wants to work on our M he needs to end the friendship w/ her. It was hard for him b/c they did work 2gether so he seen and talked to her every day, for ten hours, five days a week.

 

They were friends b4 the A started. When I told him he couldn't be friends w/ her he seemed to understand. He told me that since he did work w/ her he wanted to get along w/ her for the job sake. Several months after he ended the A w/ her she got him fired from his job (long story). Needless to say they have NC anymore, and that is for the best.

 

NC is the only way to go if you want to end your relationship w/ her. I hate to say it, but if you want your M to work, then the friendship w/ the OW has got to end.

[lynnered]

Originally posted by Good&BadGuy

Thanks, I wasn't sure and I know MM aren't to popular, which I understand. No one can be any harsher than I have been with myself.

 

I am an average guy and don't pretend to be anything I'm not, I like athletics, women, beer, kids and having fun. (not in that order) The one thing I don't like are cheaters and then I became one. I had a strong friendship with a woman that we tried not to let go to far and it did. I never played any games with her and she knew my situation and we even talked how if we went past a certain point there could never be a happy ending to it.

 

I have a healthy marriage (except for my cheating) and family life that I thought I would never jeopardize, but totally have. I don't see myself as the stereotypical MM who is an Ass, but I'm no saint and what I have done is crappy. I'm not looking for any pats on the back here.

 

I guess now I want to have the happy ending and not lose my marriage or friend which I know is stupid and not possible.

 

I have not been caught or suspected which I feel like a snake for, I have caused my friend alot of pain and sorrow and don't want to cause her those feelings anymore and she doesn't want them anymore either. We agree the good times we have are great and the bad times between us are the worst. We break it off then and have no contact and then we start talking again and it is so nice and we are friends again like we were before it got physical and it feels great to have that. Then it gets emotional and then physical and is great for awhile then inevitably here comes the bad times and the cycle starts all over again.

 

We even get along during the bad times we both feel bad for each other and take the blame and don't want to hurt each other. I feel bad for being selfish and putting her through it and she feels bad for being overly sensitive about things and getting mad at me for things, which after reading posts here I see her side of things much better.

 

We are at a break right now and still very nice to each other but don't talk much, she says she wants the good parts back but I know she doesn't want the bad that always comes with it. I want her to be happy but she can't ever be truly happy with this?

 

Am I destined to be a cheater from here on out? I don't think I would have with anyone but her.

you sound a bit like my MM and a bit not like lol

his home situation is realy bad ,i know from another source not just him he married because she was pregnant ,

we met became friends when she was preg before he married her ,

he actully came to me & asked should he marry her ,

i said do what u feel ,

well we were friends 2years (of course she didnt know about me)

well 6 years later ,4years of a relationship or A ,

the same with u ,

good times really good bad times really bad ,

he loves me wants to leave (suposed 2 b out by sept)

the only problem we have is the situation,

well i have he has issues as far as child support ,pension ,etc.

anyway i dont know how many times ive told him go away until u leave !

well right now is the 1st time (ive been so tired of this for how long?!?)

he s told me ,he wants to not deal wh me until hes out of his situation ,as he feels if we keep going like this we will hate each other &then things will not work out down the road

wtf !!ive told him leave me alone until he leaves 100 times ,

ive kept trying for him cause says he needs me ,

anyway back 2 u

my concern is the OW,with my situation iver told him many times if u dont want a future with me let me know i will hurt but ill move on,

at this point i love this man soo much ,at the same time i want this misery to end either leave or leave me alone ,

this is not fun how do u think it feels to have a "boyfriend "u cant tell anyone about or never takes u out it is emotiall hell !

this has changed me so much inside and not for the best

would love for u to keep posting rarely does the MM come & post here !

and if i could PM u or type u and get some advice & opinions that would be great

take care

o and i was wondering if there is anything missing at home as far as sex or communication ?

[lynnered]

We are at a break right now and still very nice to each other but don't talk much, she says she wants the good parts back but I know she doesn't want the bad that always comes with it. I want her to be happy but she can't ever be truly happy with this?

when things are good wh me and MM its usually when i dont have time to think so much when i think well it hurts !!

if u truly care about ur OW & are not going to leave UR W i think u should have a nice talk ,let her go &NC

she deserves what u have a commited partner ,a child(ren)if she wants ,my biggest regret if doesnt work out wh MM is the time i wasted ,the things ive went without that money cant buy

 

Am I destined to be a cheater from here on out? I don't think I would have with anyone but her.

i dont think so my MM ,it was love he never cheated before & he was not getting any ,shes a verbally abusive person etc

so maybe it is was something special & u control if u will do it again ,

my MM said he would never A cause he never intended 2 fall in love & B he sees how much it has hurt me and its not worth it

keep posting

[MySugaree]

Being an ex-MM--in every sense of the term--I've walked in your shoes.

 

Your choice is simple: if you wish to nuke your family then by all means continue your "friendship" with your OW. On the other hand, if you wish to have a fighting chance to save what's left of your marriage, cease all contact with the OW, and focus exclusively on your wife and family. There's no middle way--trust me , I've been there.

 

Don't spend alot of time here: Get the advice you want to hear and then spend lots of quality time with the wife. Your marriage is in a state of great disrepair, and you must focus on that--instead of spending alot of time online.

 

If you choose to continue the big A or spend lots of family time sitting in front of your PC, then you'll eventually join the legion of divorced dads. We always have room for one more.

[newbby]

as an ex ow i can tell you that i would have been happy if there had been some sort of commitment to me or some consistent and genuine feelings expressed for me. time for me when i had troubles. perhaps more importantly of all, some sort of guarantee that mm really had considered the risk and was prepared, wouldnt resent, hate or blame me if his wife discovered it as a lot of mm seem to do. definetly not regret ever knowing me.

thats it! that would have been an ideal relationship for me. of course everyone is different and there are alot of ow who, understandably want an exclusive commitment to them and the mm to divorce.

all of those things would have to be genuine though. you sound like a nice guy. can you say in all honesty that it is worth the risk to you? imagine your wife discovering it and being distraught and you having to leave the home, feeling that your wife would forever hate you, knowing that she was in pain but wouldnt let you comfort her, because seeing you was just so painful. knowing that your life would be forever changed and there was nothing you could do about it because it was your fault.

then look again at the ow, and ask if you care enough about her that you would not regret knowing her at that point.

it can all be hunky dory if you dont get discovered, but can you guarantee that you wont? also you sound like your conscience is eating you up, so even if you dont, the relationship is not a healthy one, for either of you. she is not getting the best of you, and having been an ow, you are definetly not getting the best of her, she will not be feeling too good about herself right now. she also sounds like a nice girl, who is understanding of your situation even if it may be tearing her apart.

if you imagine you have met them both, as singles, and you have a choice to marry or at least commmit to one of them, which one would you choose?

i believe, that it is far easier for the mm to leave the ow than the ow to leave the mm, of course i have never been a mm so i may be wrong, i am sure that the relationship is also addictive for you.

however, for the ow, it is their all, unless they too are married.

you have your security and your life and your companionship and even your love, she doesnt. if you split, she has nothing at all, so it is harder for her to walk away, and she may do but.....

the trouble with these relationships is that they end because its neccessary, and not because feelings or passions die out, the passion remains more alive in some ways because of its instability. therefore, once the reasons for ending it have been taken over again by the desire to see each other just once more, or carry it on just a little bit longer, the mm returns. the ow is not over it yet, has been partly hoping herself that he will come back, and it continues.

therefore if you care about your friend and about your wife, and also about yourself, you have to be the one who keeps away. doesnt matter who ends it.

what matters is the keeping away.

can you just tell me, do you love your ow? what is the relationship about for you?

[Good&BadGuy]

Wow I did not expect so many replies and words of advice. I appreciate it all, it is helpful and confusing at the same time. Deep down I know all the answers I guess, my priorities are my wife and kids and I have already risked losing them enough, which I can't believe I have done.

 

The hard part is I do love them both, is that possible? I feel so torn. I absolutely do not want to leave my wife (and my friend knows this and my feelings for both) or hurt in anyway so the no contact thing I guess is what I must do. I am tired of the guilt and self abuse. I feel guilty for what I've done to my wife and family and the pain I have put my friend through. It is hard (I think) because she is single and the situation is not equal at all and I can't imagine being in her shoes though all of this.

 

I have never been addicted to anything, I didn't think I had that type of personality but I am addicted to her and it is hard to give up. I know how bad it is for me and everyone in my life. Is a friendship possible in the future with her after awhile of no contact or will the cycle continue still. She has good friendships with some of her old boyfriends. I miss the friendship as much as everything else. Yes I would miss my wife and family terribly too.

[sami]

Nothing comes free.

[LucreziaBorgia]

The hard part is I do love them both, is that possible?

 

Yes - that is the crux of the pain.

[ww]

Look pal, let go of that lady ok?

If you decided to stay with your wife .Than just walk away and don` even try to look back.

 

 

I don`t know about the rest of you, but i am certainly sick of these MR.IAMNOTSURE guys.

Decide and do.

ok?

[newbby]

i believe a friendship is possible, if you are completely honest with her and allow her the time to get over you.

i am at a point with my xmm now where we are trying to be friends.

i wouldnt say that i am over it, not just because of my feelings for him but because of my feelings about the whole thing, i still feel terribly guilty, it is as though we are slowly travelling backwards and i feel at the point that i did when it first began.

i dont know what his feelings are and i doubt that he knows mine as we dont discuss them, i think there is a great deal of relief on both of our parts as well as a little bit of loss for the romance and excitement from the affair.

i cannot imagine the affair could ever begin again.

after all that we have gone through, it would be sheer folly to go through it all again now that we know what happens, what confusion and uncertainty it brings up, and that ultimately the relationship is pointless.

give your friend understanding, honesty and time. if i had heard the words from my mm that he loved me but his priority was his family and that he would love to be friends one day i think it would have made the whole thing easier to deal with.

tell her these words and give her time.

[whichwayisup]

The hard part is I do love them both, is that possible? I feel so torn. I absolutely do not want to leave my wife (and my friend knows this and my feelings for both) or hurt in anyway so the no contact thing I guess is what I must do. I am tired of the guilt and self abuse. I feel guilty for what I've done to my wife and family and the pain I have put my friend through. It is hard (I think) because she is single and the situation is not equal at all and I can't imagine being in her shoes though all of this.

 

You love your wife, she is your life, you share children together, you said vows to eachother. There is history, families and friends who are big parts of your life together. She is your friend, your lover, your wife, a mother to your children.

She is there for you, puts up with the daily ins and outs of life, good and bad...You know you can rely on her for anything and everything. When you are sick, she makes you feel better... She knows you.

I'm sure there are tons of more reasons why you love your wife...

 

This OW makes you FEEL alive. She excites you and makes you feel good. The connection, the newness of it all. That "getting to know" eachother phase, and all the good feelings it brings. Personally, I think you're addicted to that feeling and to this woman. She isn't part of your life though. She isn't the one who will hold your head over the toilet if you're throwing up. She isn't the one who gets the "not so good" stuff, the moods, the tired you, the no so happy you, the everyday you.

 

I hope this makes sense ...

 

I'm sure you DO have feelings for her, maybe it is love, but not the kind of love you have for your wife. You can't guarantee it will last if you and your wife divorce and then you are with this OW. Right now things are great because it is fantasy and fun. No bad stuff, no real life tests that will TEST the love.

 

If your wife finds out, or if you decide to tell her about your A, her love for you will be tested big time.

 

I have never been addicted to anything, I didn't think I had that type of personality but I am addicted to her and it is hard to give up. I know how bad it is for me and everyone in my life. Is a friendship possible in the future with her after awhile of no contact or will the cycle continue still. She has good friendships with some of her old boyfriends. I miss the friendship as much as everything else. Yes I would miss my wife and family terribly too.

You don't have to have an addictive personality to be in this situation. It is the feelings that are being brought out that you're addicted to.

 

A friendship isn't possible as it will just hurt each of you too much. The emotional attachment will still be there and unless each of you can change your way of thinking, be very casual and no expectations, can't rely on eachother for anything - WHY bother and put energy into a friendship that really isn't necessary?

 

I don't envy you right now but I think you know some very tough choices need to be made sooner, rather than later.

 

Good luck and keep posting.

[Marie1973]

Good/bad guy

 

Glad to see u posting here.

Is it possible for a man to be married & be in love with another women?

 

If that is true then why won't my MM leave?

 

He says that he just exists in his marriage & that i am the love of his life.

 

I don't get it.

If he loved me like he said he does, wouldn't he leave??

[Shiraz]

How many of you OW feel like this your your mm talking?

 

Yikes!

[ww]

i don`t.