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My bf found out I dated him out of pity

LimesnLilies

By LimesnLilies
in General Relationship Discussion

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LimesnLilies New Member

LimesnLilies

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Well he's my ex bf now. He called me a bunch of names such as liar, scam, fraud and said I'm worse than all the girls that rejected him. He now thinks that I'm the worst girl he ever met. He was on the verge of tears when he said all that.

 

Brief story:

I was dating this 25 (I'm 22) year-old guy that's a wonderful person for 6 months, whom I felt secured with. He just wasn't someone I loved in a romantic manner nor felt sexual attraction towards him.

I was the only girl that didn't reject him. I took his virginity too.

 

If he wouldn't have found out, I would have continue dating him. I wasn't going to dump him. I would simply make him get bored. Now he feels a lot worse. I don't know what I can do for him. So much for trying to help him.

Edited by LimesnLilies
Correction on lines
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LimesnLilies New Member

LimesnLilies

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Shouldn't that be better than no one giving you a chance and being single for the longest? At least, he has a story to tell about a girl that gave him a chance and took his virginity, right?

Edited by LimesnLilies
Redhead14 Established Member

Redhead14

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Well he's my ex bf now. He called me a bunch of names such as liar, scam, fraud and said I'm worse than all the girls that rejected him. He now thinks that I'm the worst girl he ever met. He was on the verge of tears when he said all that.

 

Brief story:

I was dating this 25 (I'm 22) year-old guy that's a wonderful person for 6 months, whom I felt secured with. He just wasn't someone I loved in a romantic manner nor felt sexual attraction towards him.

I was the only girl that didn't reject him. I took his virginity too.

 

If he wouldn't have found out, I would have continue dating him. I wasn't going to dump him. I would simply make him get bored. Now he feels a lot worse. I don't know what I can do for him. So much for trying to help him.

 

Boy, I don't blame him. He did the right thing. You on the other hand are the type of person that makes dating such a difficult thing. You used him. I hope you don't end up wearing those shoes some day. Maybe you should so that you can have empathy for your future dating prospects.

 

What you can do for him is disappear all together. Don't try to manage his emotions. You're not good at it.

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thefooloftheyear Established Member

thefooloftheyear

Posted
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Shouldn't that be better than no one giving you a chance and being single for the longest? At least, he has a story to tell about a girl that gave him a chance and took his virginity, right?

 

 

Absolutely NOT!!

 

You did a cruel, selfish and heartless move...

 

You deserve everything you got....I guess you can chalk this up to immaturity, but plenty of older people do it as well...It's shameful...

 

I hope you aren't looking for sympathy or understanding....:rolleyes:

 

TFY

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LimesnLilies New Member

LimesnLilies

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Redhead14, I understand but in a way I was trying to help him raise his self-esteem and ego. Even if I didn't love him, I didn't cheat on him either.

 

I felt very sad when he revealed how it felt to be dateless both in HS and during all his 4 years of college and no girl giving him the light of the day, how several girls would say he's a good person but there is no attraction or make excuses of being busy, in a relationship, etc.

 

So I figure in my mind ''why not, I'll give it to him myself''. I was doing this with the intention of helping him. In my mind, I was helping someone. I also thought at one moment that the more I date him and if more time passes by, I'll eventually learn to love him.

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LimesnLilies New Member

LimesnLilies

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How did he find out?
One of his friends told him. That friend overheard me telling to my best friend and somehow my voice got recorded.
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Redhead14 Established Member

Redhead14

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Redhead14, I understand but in a way I was trying to help him raise his self-esteem and ego. Even if I didn't love him, I didn't cheat on him either.

 

I felt very sad when he revealed how it felt to be dateless both in HS and during all his 4 years of college and no girl giving him the light of the day, how several girls would say he's a good person but there is no attraction or make excuses of being busy, in a relationship, etc.

 

So I figure in my mind ''why not, I'll give it to him myself''. I was doing this with the intention of helping him. In my mind, I was helping someone. I also thought at one moment that the more I date him and if more time passes by, I'll eventually learn to love him.

 

trying to help him raise his self-esteem and ego -- There are therapist and counselors for this kind of thing. You are neither. This is a dangerous thing for a "friend" to take on. What you've created for him now is further damage to his self-esteem and ego. You don't date people to "fix" them.

 

I know you're young but you do not have the skill set to fix people. Either you are their friend and can offer support and encouragement as a friend without manipulating them or you move on.

 

I also thought at one moment that the more I date him and if more time passes by, I'll eventually learn to love him -- You don't have to learn to love anyone. You seek dating partners who are compatible with you and with whom you share an emotional connection to start with. Unless you live in a culture where marriages are arranged, you don't "learn" to love a partner. It's either there or it isn't.

 

Leave this alone. You will only cause him more harm.

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DKT3 Established Member

DKT3

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One of his friends told him. That friend overheard me telling to my best friend and somehow my voice got recorded.

 

So, you yourself have been unsuccessful in relationships, so much so you chose a man that you figured would worship you, and not hurt you.

 

I won't be as hard on you as the others because honestly very are in love after 8 months. I think the problem is you're not being honest with yourself. I think you told your friend that because you didn't want to admit you were more invested. Maybe you care to much about what people would think about you being into this guy.

 

Either way, saying that, or it actually being true (which I personally don't think it is) is immature. I confused as to what you're looking for? Are you wanting to be with him again? Or just wanting him to not reject you?

CptInsano Established Member

CptInsano

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So I figure in my mind ''why not, I'll give it to him myself''. I was doing this with the intention of helping him. In my mind, I was helping someone. I also thought at one moment that the more I date him and if more time passes by, I'll eventually learn to love him.

 

Your intentions weren't all bad, and maybe in retrospect he will feel differently about it, knowing that you didn't mean to hurt him. My first gf only wanted to get laid, and I more or less forced a relationship on her. It obviously didn't last, and just like I wrote it off as a learning experience, I hope for him that he learned from it and that he was at least able to enjoy why it lasted.

 

But for heaven's sake, there are things that you will need to take to your grave. Certain truths can do only damage, and you need to keep them to yourself, even if they weigh on your mind.

DKT3 Established Member

DKT3

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trying to help him raise his self-esteem and ego -- There are therapist and counselors for this kind of thing. You are neither. This is a dangerous thing for a "friend" to take on. What you've created for him now is further damage to his self-esteem and ego. You don't date people to "fix" them.

 

I know you're young but you do not have the skill set to fix people. Either you are their friend and can offer support and encouragement as a friend without manipulating them or you move on.

 

I also thought at one moment that the more I date him and if more time passes by, I'll eventually learn to love him -- You don't have to learn to love anyone. You seek dating partners who are compatible with you and with whom you share an emotional connection to start with. Unless you live in a culture where marriages are arranged, you don't "learn" to love a partner. It's either there or it isn't.

 

Leave this alone. You will only cause him more harm.

All relationships start with a reason for wanting to get to know someone better, sane people don't have emotions with someone they don't know. In the real world people don't just fall in love or have emotions for people. It takes time to develop, this is a short relationship, so her not being in love or not particularly sexually attracted isn't uncommon. She chose him because she felt comfortable with him, felt he would be safe. Would it work long term? Not likely, however, women tend to react to how a man makes her feel in relation to want needs need to be met. In this moment her needs are comfort and safety, he gives her that.

somanymistakes Established Member

somanymistakes

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It's okay to go out with someone you're not super in love with, hoping that feelings will develop, but don't LIE about it. Don't pretend to be in love when you're more of a friend willing to have sex.

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LimesnLilies New Member

LimesnLilies

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In this moment her needs are comfort and safety, he gives her that.
You're correct on those two aspects. It's been a while since I've been looking for that. He was basically the male version of a girl that's too sweet and naive at the same time. The right one for what I was looking for.

 

In a way, it's like a mutual exchange. He brought comfort and safety and I gave him experience.

Redhead14 Established Member

Redhead14

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All relationships start with a reason for wanting to get to know someone better, sane people don't have emotions with someone they don't know. In the real world people don't just fall in love or have emotions for people. It takes time to develop, this is a short relationship, so her not being in love or not particularly sexually attracted isn't uncommon. She chose him because she felt comfortable with him, felt he would be safe. Would it work long term? Not likely, however, women tend to react to how a man makes her feel in relation to want needs need to be met. In this moment her needs are comfort and safety, he gives her that.

 

sane people don't have emotions with someone they don't know -- Sane people don't begin knowing that they aren't attracted to a person on any level with the motive of trying to bolster that person's ego and self-esteem. It's more likely, she was trying to do that for HERSELF. I can't get a boyfriend but I want one and this guy will do. More like something for everyone else to see.

 

She chose him -- Because he was vulnerable and pliable. I'm not seeing any altruistic motives.

 

And, revealing her "sentiments" about this guy is likely more about diffusing some kind of chagrin or poking from others about dating him -- like "why are you with this guy?" Even if she's not in love with him -- yet but is hoping that will develop and has good intentions, why in the world would she tell other people she's dating him out of pity. That's cruel to spread around to people who know him.

 

She is not sorry for what she did, she's sorry she got caught . . . she did say she would have kept up this charade had he not found out.

GorillaTheater Established Member

GorillaTheater

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In a way, it's like a mutual exchange. He brought comfort and safety and I gave him experience.

 

 

Sounds all reasonable when you put it like that. The problem is that he wasn't aware of the transaction. Not too many people would want to be dated because they're kind of pathetic.

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LimesnLilies New Member

LimesnLilies

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It's okay to go out with someone you're not super in love with, hoping that feelings will develop, but don't LIE about it. Don't pretend to be in love when you're more of a friend willing to have sex.
Yeah, I admit that was my fault. I knew he wanted his first time to be in a meaningful relationship. He once told me the story of how his friends from his school years would sometimes urge him to seek a hooker and get it over with but he would refuse.

 

DKT3

You're a good analyzer. The more I think about it, the more I think there is something we have in common. He failed in getting a girl and turning a date into a relationship until meeting me. I've long sought comfort and safety, things that very specific guys will give. I've avoided the good looking, assertive guys (the ones referred by some as alpha types, the typical ones that have a high sexual count) for a while.

 

I lost in the end. Meanwhile my ex bf won.

Edited by LimesnLilies
knabe Established Member

knabe

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I am not sure if you expected a medal for altruism or what. How would you feel if you found out you were someone's "pity girlfriend?"

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Redhead14 Established Member

Redhead14

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Yeah, I admit that was my fault. I knew he wanted his first time to be in a meaningful relationship. He once told me the story of how his friends from his school years would sometimes urge him to seek a hooker and get it over with but he would refuse.

 

DKT3

You're a good analyzer. The more I think about it, the more I think there is something we have in common. He failed in getting a girl and turning a date into a relationship until meeting me. I've long sought comfort and safety, things that very specific guys will give. I've avoided the good looking, assertive guys (the ones referred by some as alpha types) for a while.

 

I lost in the end. Meanwhile my ex bf won.

 

He did not WIN anything. Insult has been added to injury - now people who know him know that a girl dated him out of pity. That's worse than not having had a gf or being a virgin.

 

He failed in getting a girl and turning a date into a relationship until meeting me -- He still didn't turn this into a relationship and he knows it. This entire thing was a farce.

 

I've long sought comfort and safety, things that very specific guys will give -- At your age and level of maturity -- that is the job of your parents. Daddy issues are in your future.

 

You can pull the wool over DTK3's eyes but . . .

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LimesnLilies New Member

LimesnLilies

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I am not sure if you expected a medal for altruism or what. How would you feel if you found out you were someone's "pity girlfriend?"
I get it and don't blame him for breaking up. I would feel bad and more than likely break up too but would try to understand.

 

I'm going to let him move on with his life and hope he finds someone that loves him. Meanwhile I'm going to go single for a while. I'm the one that lost in the end.

GorillaTheater Established Member

GorillaTheater

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Meanwhile I'm going to go single for a while. I'm the one that lost in the end.

 

 

The fact that you're coming out of this like you're the only one who lost anything makes your decision to stay single for a while a pretty good idea.

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LimesnLilies New Member

LimesnLilies

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The fact that you're coming out of this like you're the only one who lost anything makes your decision to stay single for a while a pretty good idea.
The ideal guy I've been looking for just doesn't exist. I figured that out in my HS years.

Ideally, it would have been a handsome (an Adonis basically), athlete would be a plus, very outgoing, that I'm sexually attracted to but at the same time has a low count out of choice and can provide the two things my ex bf did.

Edited by LimesnLilies
gaius Established Member

gaius

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Happens all the time. A good 1/2-3/4 of guys nowadays wouldn't get laid at all without pity. Dunno why people are being so hard on you. :confused:

 

Just give him a few days / weeks to absorb the initial shock and he'll come crawling back and you can pretend like you never said it. It's not like he really has any other place to go.

Redhead14 Established Member

Redhead14

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Happens all the time. A good 1/2-3/4 of guys nowadays wouldn't get laid at all without pity. Dunno why people are being so hard on you. :confused:

 

Just give him a few days / weeks to absorb the initial shock and he'll come crawling back and you can pretend like you never said it. It's not like he really has any other place to go.

 

I'm being hard on her because she told people she was doing it out of pity . . . that sucks and is a "mean girl" move . . .

 

he'll come crawling back and you can pretend like you never said it. It's not like he really has any other place to go. -- Seriously????

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Shining One Established Member

Shining One

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Happens all the time. A good 1/2-3/4 of guys nowadays wouldn't get laid at all without pity. Dunno why people are being so hard on you. :confused:
Pity sex and a pity relationship are two very different things.
DKT3 Established Member

DKT3

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I think some are being a bit harsh....I actually see through her facade, she actually likes this guy, but she isn't strong enough to defend herself for liking him.

 

She is the insecure one, she fears rejection so she went for a guy she felt would not reject her, and or cheat on her.

 

Now, this non sense about pity dating is her protection against being rejected. This wasn't a pity boyfriend, this was a guy that offered what she was looking for, but she didn't get those butterflies sexually.

 

I think like many young women, she confuses sexual attraction for elements that need to be present for a long term relationship.

 

She recognizes the qualities she wants in a man, but is too immature to embrace it for fear that her friends won't accept him physically, thus the pity boyfriend business. In short, I'm saying she is full of it, and she likes this guy. Not in love but it's only a new relationship.

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