jasxo Posted September 5, 2017 Posted September 5, 2017 (edited) So the other day my boyfriend and I were casually talking and somehow we got on the topic of masturbation. He made a comment that he masturbated several times the day before which kind of shocked me. So I playfully asked him what made him so turned on and he said watching porn. I appreciate his honesty and I've always assumed that my boyfriend watches porn sometimes and it never really bothered me. But hearing him actually say it upset me in that moment. I know it's not a serious offence and quite normal for guys, but considering we've had our share of problems in bed that were being ignored, I wasn't too happy about it. We ended up having an argument over this and in the end he agreed that he is going to stop watching it because it's unneccessary and I'm all he needs. Now here's where my problem comes in... Been thinking and I think theres 0.0001% chance that he'll never watch it again lol. So am I being unreasonable? And should I discuss this again and tell him it's okay? We've been together for just under a year, for background info. Both in our mid 20s. Edited September 5, 2017 by jasxo
Caramelpopcorn Posted September 5, 2017 Posted September 5, 2017 What you did was wrong, for a few reasons. First, yea he won't stop, but like you said he will not just lie, but he'll feel guilty and horrible about it, do you want him to feel this way if you love him? It's just another hurdle in a relationship. Second, it has nothing to do with how irresistible he finds you, he could be dating Jessica Biel (yum) and still do it, porn offers a fantasy that you can not compete with, no one can, cause it doesn't exist! Third, porn is an addiction, there's no easy way to stop watching it unfortunately, it's going to be a process like quitting smoking. Unless it's SO out of control and getting in the way of his daily life, then occasional porn could be okay. Fourth, ask yourself why is it really bothering you? Does he treat you bad. He's not showing love? He's with you because he loves you, what are you worried about? I'm sure he finds you more beautiful and more lovable than those girls in porn. Unless he's having a problem maintaining an erection or finishing, then really, not a big deal. I know when I was younger it would have bothered me a lot too though, I get where you're coming from. 1
Author jasxo Posted September 5, 2017 Author Posted September 5, 2017 What you did was wrong, for a few reasons. First, yea he won't stop, but like you said he will not just lie, but he'll feel guilty and horrible about it, do you want him to feel this way if you love him? It's just another hurdle in a relationship. Second, it has nothing to do with how irresistible he finds you, he could be dating Jessica Biel (yum) and still do it, porn offers a fantasy that you can not compete with, no one can, cause it doesn't exist! Third, porn is an addiction, there's no easy way to stop watching it unfortunately, it's going to be a process like quitting smoking. Unless it's SO out of control and getting in the way of his daily life, then occasional porn could be okay. Fourth, ask yourself why is it really bothering you? Does he treat you bad. He's not showing love? He's with you because he loves you, what are you worried about? I'm sure he finds you more beautiful and more lovable than those girls in porn. Unless he's having a problem maintaining an erection or finishing, then really, not a big deal. I know when I was younger it would have bothered me a lot too though, I get where you're coming from. So should I bring it up with him again and say I don't mind it? Or just accept his lies while knowing he still probably does it?
RecentChange Posted September 5, 2017 Posted September 5, 2017 Well..... It might be reasonable given that he Jack's off several times a day and you say there are issues regarding sex in your relationship. What are the issues? Are they affected by his porn and masturbation habit? 1
Author jasxo Posted September 5, 2017 Author Posted September 5, 2017 Well..... It might be reasonable given that he Jack's off several times a day and you say there are issues regarding sex in your relationship. What are the issues? Are they affected by his porn and masturbation habit? Difficulty staying erect and being in the mood. Seems as if he find it easier getting off to photos of me than actually being with me in person. 1
Caramelpopcorn Posted September 5, 2017 Posted September 5, 2017 (edited) Difficulty staying erect and being in the mood. Seems as if he find it easier getting off to photos of me than actually being with me in person. Did he mention how often he watches porn? This could explain a lot. Also what kind of porn? If he's watching the hardcore stuff that could really cause issues cause he's used to this level of "roughness" to get off that he's probably not doing with you. Edited September 6, 2017 by Caramelpopcorn 1
BaileyB Posted September 6, 2017 Posted September 6, 2017 Difficulty staying erect and being in the mood. Seems as if he find it easier getting off to photos of me than actually being with me in person. Yeah, that's a problem. Porn use isn't a big deal, as long as it doesn't cause problems and you are able to share a healthy, sexual relationship. But, when his porn and masturbation habits cause problems in the bedroom... That's when it becomes a problem. Normally I would say, let boys do what they will do. But, I don't think you were wrong to ask him to lay off - he should see a difference in your sex life if/when he does. 1
thefooloftheyear Posted September 6, 2017 Posted September 6, 2017 For many guys it becomes too easy to get off and they lose the desire for a live body....Additionally, the women in porn usually have physical assets that almost no woman could hope to attain...Its my belief that more women rail against porn not necessarily because its exploitative of women(it often is), but moreso because it marginalizes women...It creates a fantasy in a guys head that can't be duplicated, depending on how serious he gets with it... He's in his 20's and loses wood??, heck I am in my 50's and never once had a problem,......I'd say your future sexually looks pretty bleak at this point... Also, honesty or not. its insensitive to tell a woman that you jerk off several times a day....If he did and was a caring person, he'd keep that under hat...About the only time id say it would kinda be ok to say that is if you guys were apart for some time(business trip, etc) and he coyly admitted he couldn't wait to get to you...so he had to get a release... But to answer your question, no...it wasn't wrong of you..You are a human being and have feelings....Id expect he'd feel the same if you told him you got off on watching ripped guys with 10"ers.... TFY 2
Ruby Slippers Posted September 6, 2017 Posted September 6, 2017 Difficulty staying erect and being in the mood. Seems as if he find it easier getting off to photos of me than actually being with me in person. Sexual dysfunction due to porn use is a very common problem of our time. You're not wrong to express your feelings and desires, but the decision to lay off the porn masturbation so your real sex life can thrive is up to him. Many men are addicted to porn these days to varying degrees. The brain patterns from a porn hit look just like those of a heroin hit. Some men realize how it damages their real sex life and can snap out of it. Some can't. Hopefully your man values the sexual health of your relationship and you can bounce back from this. But you can't force him to be healthy about it. He has to want awesome real sex and show the restraint from his "fix" to make it happen. 5
Caramelpopcorn Posted September 6, 2017 Posted September 6, 2017 Sexual dysfunction due to porn use is a very common problem of our time. You're not wrong to express your feelings and desires, but the decision to lay off the porn masturbation so your real sex life can thrive is up to him. Many men are addicted to porn these days to varying degrees. The brain patterns from a porn hit look just like those of a heroin hit. Some men realize how it damages their real sex life and can snap out of it. Some can't. Hopefully your man values the sexual health of your relationship and you can bounce back from this. But you can't force him to be healthy about it. He has to want awesome real sex and show the restraint from his "fix" to make it happen. There are actually a few articles on this online. The good news is men can reprogram their brains so they'd start enjoying actual touch and feelings associated with touch rather than just images on a screen. It takes about a month too, but it depends on how serious he is about it. I really hope you can figure this out, he sounds like a good guy who does love you, but a victim to the porn obsessed culture we live in. Honestly, the internet was so much better when we had dial up, DSL just screwed us all.
TheFinalWord Posted September 6, 2017 Posted September 6, 2017 So the other day my boyfriend and I were casually talking and somehow we got on the topic of masturbation. He made a comment that he masturbated several times the day before which kind of shocked me. So I playfully asked him what made him so turned on and he said watching porn. I appreciate his honesty and I've always assumed that my boyfriend watches porn sometimes and it never really bothered me. But hearing him actually say it upset me in that moment. I know it's not a serious offence and quite normal for guys, but considering we've had our share of problems in bed that were being ignored, I wasn't too happy about it. We ended up having an argument over this and in the end he agreed that he is going to stop watching it because it's unneccessary and I'm all he needs. Now here's where my problem comes in... Been thinking and I think theres 0.0001% chance that he'll never watch it again lol. So am I being unreasonable? And should I discuss this again and tell him it's okay? We've been together for just under a year, for background info. Both in our mid 20s. I'd be more concerned with his need to be so forthcoming with his really personal habits. This idea of radical honesty in our day and age boggles my mind. What good did he think telling you that was going to do? He's either really obtuse or just ignorant. 1
d0nnivain Posted September 6, 2017 Posted September 6, 2017 What will bug you more: the white lie or the porn watching? People have different views & values about porn. The key is to be with someone who shares your perspective 3
Steve51 Posted September 6, 2017 Posted September 6, 2017 I would worry if my boyfriend did not watch porn. Men are genetically designed to be visually stimulated. That is why you women do the things you to do attract us. Porn and masturbation to it is OK. It is a great stress reliever and a way to experience their fetishes that he is embarrassed to talk about. The danger is not with his watching porn but the results of his watching porn. Many men view women based on the unrealistic porn stars they see online. They also get used to extreme sex or fetishes you may not like and think perverted. Our minds go to dark places when we are aroused. Masturbation is healthy and good unless it interferes in his life somehow. I was avoiding sex with my wife because regular sex was boring after what I was masturbating to online. Plus I had usually orgasmed many times and could not do it anymore when she wanted it. That is when porn becomes a problem. Our solution is one that most will think weird and yet it has worked for us for 5 years. We saw an article about male chastity and the new and simple chastity cages now being made and sold by both sex stores and drug stores as masturbation control devices. In essence my penis is locked up and my wife releases me when she wants to use it for sex. Sometimes she just wants to lay back and enjoy without having to reciprocate. She keeps me constantly aroused so that I become very attentive to her needs and make her feel like the sexiest woman in the world. I know it is weird and perverted but it works for me and a lot of other guys. I still watch porn because my wife has no problem with that. Whether I see it on the screen or think it in my mind, it is still the same thing and you cannot control a man's mind. My wife is 65 and since we started chastity play she is having very intense orgasms like she had when she was 21. She also likes how I behave when kept aroused for long periods of time. Not for everyone but it is becoming more and more mainstream due to the problem of men preferring to masturbate to porn than to have sex with a woman. So I just throw it out there in case you are curious. I thought it was stupid and at first my wife refused to take part but once we tried it and saw the difference in our sex life and view of her sexuality, we stayed with it. https://malechastityjournal.com/caging-your-man/
kendahke Posted September 6, 2017 Posted September 6, 2017 Yes. You're being unreasonable. You can ask til you're blue in the face, but that doesn't mean that when he's by himself, he's not going to use porn. Most likely he will. You can't crawl up into his head and direct traffic. 2
kendahke Posted September 6, 2017 Posted September 6, 2017 So should I bring it up with him again and say I don't mind it? Or just accept his lies while knowing he still probably does it? You tell him you had a rethink on this and while you have reservations about him using porn, you would rather he not lie to you about anything and that you're not going to put him in a position to lie to you about using porn by giving him the 3rd degree about it. 1
kendahke Posted September 6, 2017 Posted September 6, 2017 Difficulty staying erect and being in the mood. Seems as if he find it easier getting off to photos of me than actually being with me in person. Look up "The Butterfly Effect" on Audible. There is a segment of that series--I think the second to last--that talks about this. I just listened to the whole thing and it was enlightening, to say the least.
Arieswoman Posted September 6, 2017 Posted September 6, 2017 jasxo, but considering we've had our share of problems in bed that were being ignored, I wasn't too happy about it. ^^^ this is what you want to talk to him about. Please do it now. If you can't communicate with him about what's going on in the bedroom then you need to re-think this relationship - sorry x 1
Sunlight72 Posted September 6, 2017 Posted September 6, 2017 (edited) You tell him you had a rethink on this and while you have reservations about him using porn, you would rather he not lie to you about anything and that you're not going to put him in a position to lie to you about using porn by giving him the 3rd degree about it. I would add to this that you are really glad you and he found each other, and you want to build your relationship, including sexually, to be closer and more connected. If you want better sex, tell him that you mind him watching porn because you feel like you are getting the leftover energy and left over desire, and you want the premier energy and desire. If he has left over desire on days you are apart, then OK. You'd still like him to direct some of that toward connecting with you, but you also don't want to direct him like a robot - you enjoy him being himself, and part of that is his sexuality. But, on days you will be together, you want him to direct that energy toward your relationship, and romancing you, and sex with you. And that you enjoy returning his interest and energy with your own. Are you interested in sex more often with him? When I've had a girlfriend who told me she preferred me to not look at porn, my main concern is that I enjoy flirting and sex 4 or 5 times a week. 6 or 8 some weeks, 3 or 4 some weeks is great. 2 or 3 times, OK. 1 or unpredictable if we will all week, it's getting pretty sparse for me. I end up thinking about it all the time, and not feeling very loving toward her. I begin feeling she is not so interested or caring toward me. Now I need to figure out, would she prefer I am romancing her, and pawing at her, hoping for sex? (in my experience, when she's not interested this is a big, lasting turn off for her, and damages the dynamic of our relationship, leading to even less sex and other problems on top of problems). Or should I keep that more to myself and let her live her life with her priorities and be cool with her and flirt a little, and enjoy sex when she's interested? If so, that is much easier when I am SUPER busy with work, other friends, family, etc. and generally not thinking about her or us so much (this is not sustainable for me in a healthy way for more than a few weeks) - or when I look at porn and don't feel my desires are unimportant and refused by her. Health issues aside, her schedule being busy, or family/friend difficulties that disrupt life aside. It totally sucks when my desire for sex with my girlfriend becomes an annoyance to her and she becomes the parent who always tells me no. I obviously don't know the whole situation with you and your boyfriend. But, I would caution you against making him promise never to look at porn again. Telling him you feel it's interfering with how affectionate and sexual he is with you, and the quality of sex with you is Important and Very Legitimate, and I encourage you to express this to him - especially at a time when you are not naked or just getting ready for bed and sleep. I suggest not leaving it the way you say it went down. If you do, you are telling him you prefer him to hide a (currently) large part of his sexuality - to not include or inform you of it. In my opinion, if that's what you prefer, that is OK, but tell him it's OK he does that and you just don't need to know about it. Best Wishes, Sunlight Edited September 6, 2017 by Sunlight72
Gaeta Posted September 6, 2017 Posted September 6, 2017 Difficulty staying erect and being in the mood. Seems as if he find it easier getting off to photos of me than actually being with me in person. Watching porn to satisfy himself is easy. He has no efforts to make. He doesn't have to worry about if the girl on the screen is satisfied or not, he just has to take care of himself and he's done. Having sex with you is much more demanding. He needs to 'connect' with you, he needs to approach you, get into the preliminaries, he needs to worry if he's doing it right and if you are enjoying yourself. That is less interesting to him than simply watching porn and get off without a worry. Your boyfriend has lost the desire to be a good lover to you. When that happens, in my book, it's because the man has felt out of love. Connecting with you in an intimate way has become a chore. I don't think I would continue this relationship. 5
Redhead14 Posted September 6, 2017 Posted September 6, 2017 So the other day my boyfriend and I were casually talking and somehow we got on the topic of masturbation. He made a comment that he masturbated several times the day before which kind of shocked me. So I playfully asked him what made him so turned on and he said watching porn. I appreciate his honesty and I've always assumed that my boyfriend watches porn sometimes and it never really bothered me. But hearing him actually say it upset me in that moment. I know it's not a serious offence and quite normal for guys, but considering we've had our share of problems in bed that were being ignored, I wasn't too happy about it. We ended up having an argument over this and in the end he agreed that he is going to stop watching it because it's unneccessary and I'm all he needs. Now here's where my problem comes in... Been thinking and I think theres 0.0001% chance that he'll never watch it again lol. So am I being unreasonable? And should I discuss this again and tell him it's okay? We've been together for just under a year, for background info. Both in our mid 20s. People are entitled to their "private" moments/thoughts/desires. If you feel that his are interfering with your relationship, you can and should explore that. If he agrees that porn is likely the culprit and he wants to accommodate you and tend to your needs in bed, let him demonstrate that. If he doesn't at least attempt to work on the problem, you move on.
smackie9 Posted September 6, 2017 Posted September 6, 2017 Everyone keeps blaming porn when it's the actions of the individual is at fault. He wacks off too much. Yes so much so that he is desensitized. Sprinkle a little porn into the mix and that will exasperate the problem. Yes people will watch porn to peak their experience, yes people do have their private time BUT when it starts to interfere with sexual performance or even functioning in everyday life, that's when you can say they are addicted. You can take away the porn, but it won't stop him from wackin off several times a day. He's not going to give it up, he doesn't see an issue with it, so you are going to have to give up him. You can't force him to change, but you can find a new BF. 2
SammySammy Posted September 6, 2017 Posted September 6, 2017 I would be quite amused if a woman tried to tell me I couldn't watch porn or masturbate. As if she would ever have control over what I do with my body. 1
elaine567 Posted September 6, 2017 Posted September 6, 2017 (edited) If he is not willing to attempt to please you in the bedroom and can't even get hard, due I am sure to his excessive porn use and his "iron grip" then a new bf needs to be the answer here. The fact he is more turned on by pictures of you than the real you, I guess, is indicative of a major problem. Yes you can go to therapy for weeks, months. even years, and talk him through his "porn addiction" and his "performance anxiety" and whatever other little/big problem he has with sex, but addicts are a difficult lot to cure completely and you may find he is back to the porn and the no sex quicker than you could ever imagine. YOU are in your 20s, sex is supposed to be great - hard erections, great passion, heaving desire, and fun. That doesn't sound at all like him, does it? Edited September 6, 2017 by elaine567 typo 4
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