EmotionallyAbusedBf Posted September 5, 2017 Posted September 5, 2017 Hi everyone. Posting here as I'm new to this issue and would like some insight. I am dating a guy for the past 10 months. He was with a girl who was extremely abusive emotionally, cheated and manipulated him, messed with his head, was a great actress, lied, made him basically beg and crawl for truth on certain matters, made up false stories to belittle him, laughed in his face and called him psychopath etc. she's got the typical traits of a sociopath, according to the way he describes her. Their relationship was very intense and very exciting apparently. He broke up with her long time before we started going out, and I have fallen for him massively as he is a lovely person. However it seems he has a hard time developing 'strong' feelings for me due to what he has been through. He has feelings for me but not strong ones. He says this is due to his past relationship, as it still bothers him. He does not have feelings for his ex however he feels horribly treated and that it was unjust as she belittled him and he did not do anything back other than block her and never speak to her. I do like him a lot and I would want this relationship to go develop. Are these sorts of feelings he has something that's an effect of EA? That you have a difficult time feeling strongly for someone else? I am nothing like his ex in any way. Thanks a lot everyone.
fred123 Posted September 5, 2017 Posted September 5, 2017 Hmm. I dated a girl once. She had gone through a break up. I was with her for 6 months. She told me she couldnt let her guard down cos she had been hurt by her ex and by a new fling after that. Then i came into the picture. She always told me she was scares of commitment and what ahppened with her ex has made her guard go up. I had to work hard for her but her guard never came down. We broke up and a month later she meets a new guy and is taking him to weddings and pics on facebook. Looks to me her guard went down right?! What im saying is he probs not into you and he is using a good excuse. Imagine he meets a new girl after you and loves her and doewnt have these issues anymore? How would u feel? **** im guessing. I believed her like u believe ur guy. But bottom line is when they meet someone they are into they wont say all this crap. Watch how he meets a new girl and within 6 months is in love with her but after 10 months with u nada! 1
smackie9 Posted September 5, 2017 Posted September 5, 2017 I'm sure he is wondering why there is no real progression in his feelings and is trying to explain away as being messed up from his past. I agree with the other poster it could be that he's not that into you. Someone can look real good on paper, but there is no chemistry, but wants it so bad to happen....it's just confusing to them. It's also possible he gets turned on by drama, finds it "exciting" because it's unpredictable. But who wants to admit to that right? I say don't work hard at this, your best bet is to back off and let him figure things out, just not on your time. You keep yourself busy doing other things. 1
Author EmotionallyAbusedBf Posted September 5, 2017 Author Posted September 5, 2017 Have either of you been emotionally abused? If this was a guy who did not have a complicated past, as well as G.A.D then I would agree with you. We have had an amazing time, he has been loving and affectionate many times and then others he isn't. I don't want to just write it off as these sort of experiences can be quite damaging. I would really like to hear from someone who has been through emotional abuse. How was your experiences with relationships after EA?
Zahara Posted September 5, 2017 Posted September 5, 2017 (edited) We have had an amazing time, he has been loving and affectionate many times and then others he isn't. Having been in two emotionally abusive relationships in the past, there is truth to feeling drawn towards the excitement and intensity of the drama. And when it came to the ones that provided stability and consistency, there was a lack of attraction and interest. You noted that his past relationship was very intense and exciting. You are likely a safe bet and he isn't drawn to that and isn't 100% invested in it. He is likely in this with you because it fulfills some of his emotional needs. An amazing relationship isn't a 50% up and 50% down. It is consistent. When he's in one day and out the other, it would be best to step away and let him be. It's likely that you will never be able to break through. There is a reason why he chose to be in such a toxic relationship and it may take more than just months to get over that kind of damage and appreciate a healthy relationship I don't want to just write it off as these sort of experiences can be quite damaging. I would really like to hear from someone who has been through emotional abuse. How was your experiences with relationships after EA? It would be in your best interest to date people that are emotionally available. I don't think he can be emotionally vulnerable and open with you. And it may just be that he needs to heal and figure himself out. It's been 10 months -- too much time invested in someone that can't truly progress with you. Yes, he is lovely. But "lovely" isn't enough. Edited September 5, 2017 by Zahara 2
Author EmotionallyAbusedBf Posted September 5, 2017 Author Posted September 5, 2017 Having been in two emotionally abusive relationships in the past, there is truth to feeling drawn towards the excitement and intensity of the drama. And when it came to the ones that provided stability and consistency, there was a lack of attraction and interest. You noted that his past relationship was very intense and exciting. You are likely a safe bet and he isn't drawn to that and isn't 100% invested in it. He is likely in this with you because it fulfills some of his emotional needs. An amazing relationship isn't a 50% up and 50% down. It is consistent. When he's in one day and out the other, it would be best to step away and let him be. It's likely that you will never be able to break through. There is a reason why he chose to be in such a toxic relationship. Or it could be that he is just not that into you. It would be in your best interest to date people that are emotionally available. I don't think he can be emotionally vulnerable and open with you. And it may just be that he needs to heal and figure himself out. It's been 10 months -- too much time invested in someone that can't truly progress with you. Yes, he is lovely. But "lovely" isn't enough. Hi Zahara, thanks for your reply. Yes you are right, I do give him stability and love. I feel like that is "true love" as the excitement does not last forever in any relationship. Even the most exciting person will either become "boring" or will be toxic (that is my personal experiences anyway). As you said, a loving relationship shouldn't be up and down but it should be consistent. So why was he so drawn towards his ex, someone who only ever put him down and never provided him "consistency" He does have feelings for me and they have grown stronger with time and he continuously says he wants to keep seeing me as he really believes it can be great between us. He is positive about his feelings growing stronger We have not slept with eachother as of yet (maybe this will also help feelings). He does have his "bad days" where he is not as loving towards me, and he remembers his past. He has a hard time forgetting how he was belittled, laughed at, and taken a fool for. On top of all this, he has had anxiety for quite a few years which he feels is a big contributing factor to why he still feels upset over past relationshi + does not have "stronger" feelings for me as of yet.... Any thoughts?
Zahara Posted September 5, 2017 Posted September 5, 2017 Hi Zahara, thanks for your reply. Yes you are right, I do give him stability and love. I feel like that is "true love" as the excitement does not last forever in any relationship. Even the most exciting person will either become "boring" or will be toxic (that is my personal experiences anyway). As you said, a loving relationship shouldn't be up and down but it should be consistent. So why was he so drawn towards his ex, someone who only ever put him down and never provided him "consistency" It's because he was in his own way emotionally dysfunctional. And that is why I mentioned that he may not be able to appreciate a healthy relationship because what's "normal" to him is the intensity and excitement that a toxic relationship provides him. Also, I have to wonder if there was more to this relationship than just what he told you. Always two sides. He does have feelings for me and they have grown stronger with time and he continuously says he wants to keep seeing me as he really believes it can be great between us. Yes, he may have feelings for you but those feelings aren't consistent nor are they strong enough. You said, "however it seems he has a hard time developing 'strong' feelings for me due to what he has been through. He has feelings for me but not strong ones." Ten months later -- you shouldn't be waiting around for a man to feel love for you. I would strongly advise you to stop paying attention to words but pay attention to actions. You have massively fallen for someone who is banking on the possibility and potential of maybe loving and caring for you. Too risky. You deserve better than that. He does have his "bad days" where he is not as loving towards me, and he remembers his past. He has a hard time forgetting how he was belittled, laughed at, and taken a fool for. On top of all this, he has had anxiety for quite a few years which he feels is a big contributing factor to why he still feels upset over past relationshi + does not have "stronger" feelings for me as of yet.... That is why you do not date people that are struggling with an unresolved past. They are emotionally unavailable and will likely drag you down with them. They are unable to be vulnerable and often stay in relationships for all the wrong reasons. 2
planb1973 Posted September 5, 2017 Posted September 5, 2017 I was your BF at a point in my life, was with a full blown boarderline for about 3 years, so I know the abuse your BF has most likely gone through. Those types of relationships do a lot of damage that takes a long time to work through. I know the first woman I dated after that relationship is as normal and healthy as they get, but I couldn't quite get head over heals for her. The normalcy was so strange to me after years of chaos. We eventually decided to just be friends. It took me some time to realize how much I did in fact love her dearly. Now 4 years later we still maintain a very special loving friendship. My point being that your BF may still have to take some time to fully recover from such an abusive relationship, and he may never quite get all the way back. So then you need to decide if this relationship is working for you.
olivetree Posted September 5, 2017 Posted September 5, 2017 As others have already said, the lack of highs and lows in your stable relationship can feel blah compared to his past roller coaster with the ex. But his past doesn't really matter. What matters is that at 10 months, you're settling by being with someone that doesn't have very strong feelings for you. You obviously want more for yourself than that. I think walking away is a win-win situation. 1) You open yourself up to meeting someone who is emotionally available to love you fully. 2) Walking away might jilt him enough / provide space that he needs to realize how much he does care for you. 3) If he doesn't get his act together or realize anything, then he wasn't right for you anyway. Staying with him, on the other hand, is unlikely to end up with him falling crazy in love with you, because it's hard to fall for someone that you can see is settling for your scraps.
Gaeta Posted September 5, 2017 Posted September 5, 2017 He does have his "bad days" where he is not as loving towards me, and he remembers his past. He has a hard time forgetting how he was belittled, laughed at, and taken a fool for. On top of all this, he has had anxiety for quite a few years which he feels is a big contributing factor to why he still feels upset over past relationshi + does not have "stronger" feelings for me as of yet.... Any thoughts? Seems he remained with her for the same reasons you are remaining with him. He thought he loved her, she was special and kept hoping she would change. Exactly what you are doing. I was a few years with a narcisist, yes I know all about emotional abuse and control. When I ended that relationship it took me a few years to get my head straight again. I was in no shape to be part of a healthy relationship. The way your boyfriend still gets mad at what happen is indicative he's not done moving on from that relationship. You will end up being the big loser here. If his feelings aren't growing stronger after 10 months they won't. He grew attached to you like you would get attached to a friend but his feelings won't change into love. 1
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