Boyfriend's Children: Run or Work Through It

[brittneyfoster]

Do you allow the relationship with your man's child to dictate if you stay in the relationship? What is the healthiest approach? I am very much a loner and too much drama and agony wears me down.

 

My boyfriend adopted his ex-wife's two children from two other relationships. They are 10 and 13. Not that it is any of my business, but I do have so private thoughts and concerns on his adopting them especially since he is paying child support for all three(they have one together). Seems like mom has moved on to a new relationship but is expecting my guy to continue to save her as he did in the past. He's smartened up to his decisions, but there's a lot he can't take back.

 

At the behest of our couples counselor, we decided to let the kids interact and play. I have a child, who is 9, so the 9/10-year-old mesh well. He also has one biological child from his marriage, and she is 6. She's super sweet as well. Overall, I really like his children and think they are pretty good kids. I love that the kids get along. That brings me to the 13-year-old, so I am empathetic to her because her parents are recently divorced, and she was 6 when he came into the picture, so she is old enough to know that he is not her biological dad. I don't believe she has issues with that, but you never know. I know my boyfriend takes her to therapy every weekend to talk through her issues.

 

Her mom is with someone new, practically living with him, and trying to force him on the children as the new dad. I actually was riding in his car the other day and saw his daughter left a medical bill in the car and apparently the mom is even making the kids go by her maiden name again instead of their legally adopted name that they have been using. My boyfriend seemed a little hurt but says he is not surprised. So I preface with all of that to say that I understand she is a teenager who also happens to be going through an awful lot, but I am really at my wits end with her attitude and behavior. She's nasty to him as well, but he naturally has more patience than I do and she is his daughter. I don't do attitudes and rudeness not even from mine; I stay on her like white on rice.

 

She was miserable over the holiday weekend when my boyfriend invited my daughter and her schoolmate to the house to go swimming and stuff. I tried to engage a little and ask her a couple questions but pretty much everything was "No thanks." "No." "Nope". She wanted to go to the mall yesterday, so I had to go anyway and asked her if she would like for me to drop her off when I go. "Nope. I am good." I shrugged it off.

 

Now when I really had enough was when we went skating. My boyfriend let her bring a friend because I told him she can't just be around 10-year-olds and 6-year-olds, she needs her friends too. Well, she becomes an ULTRA bish when she has a crew. I had enough when the following happened:

 

1. Her dad asked her to help her 6-year-old sister skate. She said that she didn't want to. He said why can't you and your brother take turns helping her? So he went and got skates for me and for him to go out there with her. While he was gone, I took the 6 year old out with me and just kind of kept her in the middle of the skating rink where most of the beginners(including my daughter) were. Out of nowhere, the 13 year old comes and grabs the 6 year old from me and is like "I got it! I got this!". I kinda snapped off and was like "Go skate. She is fine."

 

2. We skated for a while and sat down. My daughter was still in the middle of the skating rink, and the 13 year old was with her homegirl going around. I was sitting with my man, his son, and his 6 year old when I hear my daughter calling her name "Cara(pseduonym)! Cara! Can you please help me go across so I can get back to my mom." Cara looks the other direction like she doesn't even hear her. I know she heard her because if I heard her from 30-40 feet away and loud music...then she heard her and she was skating right next to her. In general, the kid wasn't too mean to my baby over the weekend but I definitely heard her make a couple slick comments to her that I let slide.

 

I immediately went out there and grabbed my baby. I made her put her shoes and stuff on, I ended the date right then and there. I saw myself moments away from checking her in a way that would crush her entire existence, so I left. My man was definitely confused because he didn't know what happened, and I don't want to complain about her because she's a kid going through a lot right now.

 

I am so over this child and while I am trying to work through separate issues with my man...this 13-year-old is only pushing me out the door even quicker. I am not sure what to do at this point or how to even feel because when it's all said and done, this is still a child...but she is NOT my child, and what I would do won't work with someone else's child.

 

I told him late last night once I cooled down. He said he's seen her do BOTH things in the past before, so even though he didn't see it, it is not hard to believe at all that she did that. He apologized and said he wants to find a resolution quickly but he's getting tired of her too. My man is trying to be patient with her, but he says he has been going through it for a while to an even greater extent and is really at the point of wiping his hands until the behavior and attitude changes.

 

This was not the first issue I have had with the 13-year-old but at least she wasn't starting drama and taking pictures of me and sending them to her mom on Snapchat this time.

 

What exactly can I do to manage this? Anything or run?

[O'Malley]

If you repeatedly feel that you're going to lose your temper with this girl, it's probably time to step back from the relationship. It's normal to get irritated at a teenager's selfish antics, and some of her behavior is normal too - no, it's not nice, but it's a normal way in which teens act out. Her feelings obligated to socialize and bond with her parents' new partners and their kid(s) is probably underpinning some of her behavior, especially if she feels her mother's new bf is being forced on her.

 

It sounds like both of you are picking up on each other's tension and dislike and that's fueling how you interact as well...imo there's not an ideal solution for this other than to disengage a bit, be honest with your partner without blaming or resenting the child and work as a team when handling the kids. Kudos for not moving in or getting married with this situation going on; you might not be compatible with his parenting style.

[Gaeta]

Why are you dating a man recently separated/divorced?

 

That's the problem. The kids didn't have time to adjust to their parents being divorced that dad is dating and mom is playing house, no wonder the 13 year old is getting out of hand.

 

Bringing 2 families together is a huge challenge that is why it's important for all parties to be in a good place when that happens. It's not the case here and on top of that you're talking about having issues with 'your guy'.

 

No, as it stands now, it's not worth it. For the sake of these children let this man put his life back in order on his own before he tries to glue it to someone else's.

[introverted1]

What is the timeline here - when did you each get divorced, how long have you been dating, etc.?

 

Why do you have a couples counselor? Are there other issues in the relationship?

[kendahke]

I think you need to cool off of this relationship. The fact that you have to keep yourself from "crushing" a child's world doesn't speak very well of you.

 

The 13 year old isn't going anywhere and she's also probably reeling from not only her parents divorcing, but both of them being underneath someone new at breakneck speed ready to replace the other parent and she's not mature enough to understand what her disgust with all the adults in her life is right now, let alone articulate it in a mature, adult fashion because her brain isn't developed to that extent yet.

 

Not to mention that her hormones are beginning to kick into gear at her age and that on its own and being in a unbroken, healthy family situation would be happening anyway. The fact that her family is fractured beyond repair exacerbates her unhappiness.

 

Nothing you have said she did, really, rises to the level of the hatred you're expressing for her--and if it's at that point for you, it's time for you to go. This isn't the relationship for you.

 

I seriously doubt he's going to turn his back on his child, even if she is adopted. He's spent 7 years being her father, so he is, in fact, her father and legally, too. If you make the mistake of trying to force him to choose, you're going to lose.