susanl Posted August 12, 2005 Posted August 12, 2005 What the hell is the reason for no contact, when all it does is hurt you because you can't see him, talk with him or be with him--please explain????
westernxer Posted August 12, 2005 Posted August 12, 2005 Go ahead and contact him then... see how it makes you feel when he doesn't reciprocate.
NTB Posted August 12, 2005 Posted August 12, 2005 NC is then only way.......you will realize it sooner or later
Author susanl Posted August 12, 2005 Author Posted August 12, 2005 But I try the no contact stuff and then he calls and I either answer or not and then I call him back (his message was just checking on you)--and I feel like sh*** because I heard his voice and he didn't say hey lets go do this or that??
westernxer Posted August 12, 2005 Posted August 12, 2005 Originally posted by susanl But I try the no contact stuff and then he calls and I either answer or not and then I call him back (his message was just checking on you)--and I feel like sh*** because I heard his voice and he didn't say hey lets go do this or that?? You've gotta try harder... right now you're playing into his hands. No wonder you feel terrible.
Mary3 Posted August 13, 2005 Posted August 13, 2005 You * can't * see him , talk to him or email him * because * that is how your mind heals when you * can't see him , talk to him or email him...( No Contact ) It is totally for YOUR benefit . Not for His. You are the one hurting ...and see what happens when he does call and does not talk to you in a loving way ? When its not the way it used to be ? In time you will see. Right now it seems unthinkable...
Author susanl Posted August 13, 2005 Author Posted August 13, 2005 very unthinkable so what do you do to get you through the rough times??
Author susanl Posted August 13, 2005 Author Posted August 13, 2005 Ok so this is getting worse and worse--I want to call him but every time he calls me I get more upset (but nice to hear his voice)--yes I do love him and want it to work ou--but he has got to do something. Right now he is putting forth no effort and I am hurt--very---side note--both kids goign to school at the end of this month--talkative close girl going this monday and sun going the 29===would love this to be resloved but I figure if he spends his whole weekend home with no kids and doesn't call--its over and time for me to look. Someone please help--I am really at the end of my ropes and don't know what to do
Mary3 Posted August 13, 2005 Posted August 13, 2005 Take it minute by minute , hour by hour and reward yourself for NOT talking to him by doing something good for you. The FIRST thing you NEED to do is : Tell him " Hey Joe ( insert name ) we are broken up now and I need some time alone to think. I do not want you calling me...texting me...emailing me...talking to my friends via messaging me,...visiting me....I need you to sincerely leave me alone. I will not be answering your calls or you emails for awhile. I am understanding that you don't want me or this relationship and in order for me to heal you need to leave me alone " Thats the FIRST step : If he contacts after that you he is messing with your MIND. He is eliciting reponses from his actions by YOUR Actions. Dont give him a response. If you were SUPPOSED to be together you WOULD be together but you are NOT together and its because of something he has DONE to cause that. Continue this daily. We will help you through this. I know your terrible pain and it takes a long time ( for some like me ) to get over this and you can too. Please post back daily as often as you need. Read these boards ....learn these posters...how they coped. How we all coped Good Luck ! Be strong
Author susanl Posted August 13, 2005 Author Posted August 13, 2005 WEll great I think being strong is easier said than done. So he calls me today and says he wants "kelly time" he like it he enjoys and --btw he has no kids this weekend so he is all alone without a care. After talking with a good friend of mine she said you need to learn to like yourself for who you are and enjoy your time even it is alone--it is better than being with someone who takes you for granted. So I agree and I told him if he wants his time and space have it---I am not calling, emailing etc until he gets in touch with me. Now as selfish as this sounds ---if I can get over the first few days--emotionally--I don't have anymore kids, I am financially stable etc I should be fine and a friend of mine set me up with someone for dinner tomorrow night with them--probably a good idea. My problem is when and if he calls does he want me back because he wants me or needs me for his kids, the house etc??? And the bigger thing--ok being stupid and naive or whatever you want to call me I can take it now--we bought a house together and I put down the downpayment--so what do I do now--large chunk of money/ Thanks for all your help and support--I am definetly going to need it. I am going away with my friend next week for a couple of days and that should help too. Thanks againg
Mary3 Posted August 13, 2005 Posted August 13, 2005 Each issue needs to be addressed seperately.... First thing first : Unless you dont have caller Id on your phone, you dont have to answer ...you know its him and you don't have to pick up. That same principle applies to anyone calling you or knocking on your door for that matter. Just because they call does not mean you have to answer the phone.... Just because someone is knocking on your door does not mean you have to open the door.( People uninvited are a good example ) or should I say unwelcome...hehe..either ..or... So he has children and they are not with him . He feels alone you assume with- out them. Oh poor guy ... You contemplate spending your time with him even though you suggest he may take you for granted. You worry about being alone and would rather be with him than being alone ? I think you are off to a great start telling him you wont be calling him...Take the POWER back ! I would not call him or accept his calls period. And TELL him you are NOT going to be answering his calls. Afterall....he broke up with you ! Why should you worry he will be alone this weekend. ? Does he want you back to wash his laundry ? Does he want you back to bathe his kids and clean up their messes ? Does he want you back to cook dinner because he does not know how ? ( I am going by your question to this panel ) If you think he is using you for laundry or cleaning the kitchen then he PROBROBLY IS using you. ( Its all in how you feel... ) Oh so ...lets break up but can you still wash my dishes ?? If he is not your husband and both of your names are on the deed and the sale is final and you are in the home , then I suggest hiring an attorney and find out what your rights are. DO NOT listen to anyone except an attorney ! Because afterall...they can advise you as to whether you should cash out your interest in the home or whatever advice they give... TAKE IT ! Let me assume he is living in this house and you are NOT ? Well , Monday call an attorney and find out what your rights are.... Glad you have a date set and are getting out of town...before you go talk to an attorney ASAP
Author susanl Posted August 13, 2005 Author Posted August 13, 2005 THanks for the reply--and you are right. I think that next week and weekend when he has the kids (14/16) he will understand all that I did for him. Please don't misunderstand I did it because I wanted to and he at least I thought appreciated it. I feel really bad for single men in general--that have their kids and work 40+ hours a week and believe me he did appreciate what he did. So not being mean but for two years he has appreciated it but Kelly time does not involve susan time so I figure he can do it again. Now then as far as the house is concerned--little troubling here because about 3 months ago we got both of our names on the deed and the note to the house--this year (january) he started taking over the payments---so now what--yes an attorney would be a good suggestion andyes I am not living there but?????umteen questions. Also I am really looking forward to tomorrow night--new date, seems like a nice guy and who knows. My friend is very encouraging and says I have a lot to offer so I figure a day at atime isn't bad. I think getting out of town is a good idea and I figure just what you said he can call if he wants caller id is a good idea and just tell my kids i will get it when i want to. This is just so hard and heart breaking and I don't understand how someone can be so selfish to not see that what he is doing is so wrong--and thoughtless. But I guess live and learn.\ Thanks for writing and I will keep you up to speed because I am determined to do this no contact thing until he decides what he wants. Although that is really easy to write and harder to do but I an determined this time. Thanks
Mary3 Posted August 13, 2005 Posted August 13, 2005 It seems as if you both have kids ? Thats a tough one. Continue the No Contact and depsite the fact that he pays the mortgage you have an investment in the property. At the very least he should return your down payment . closing costs ( whatever you paid in ) That way you are back to even. He wont * suddenly * realize how wonderful you are.....but someone else will ! !Don't worry anymore about WHY ....You can ask that question 10,000 times but the fact is Reality is facing you. He is not with you anymore... Move on . But before you do , get your money out of the house. Good Luck !
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