Boyfriend keeps in touch with ex's family (tl;dr warning)

[deadparrot]

I'm a 30 year old woman who has been in a relationship with a kind, patient, funny, smart man for two years. I'm beginning to struggle with his relationship with his ex-wife's family, however, and I'm looking for advice.

 

Some background on his marriage: They were college sweethearts, married for about 3 years total (two years "happily," one year separated) before the divorce was finalized at the end of 2014. They did not have children. While they were dating, they attended law school in different cities, she halfway across the country, he in the city where we all (including her parents) currently live. Since the relationship was clearly headed towards marriage, my boyfriend was invited to weekly breakfasts and family events regardless of whether his then-girlfriend/now-ex was in town. Because of this, he developed a closer friendship with her family than most people.

 

Two years into their marriage, his ex-wife ended things following an emotional and physical affair with a coworker. Because of the circumstances under which the marriage ended, friends and family almost universally took my boyfriend's "side" in the breakup. While they barely spoke to their daughter for months, my boyfriend's ex-in-laws reached out to my boyfriend, inviting him to meals (without his ex) and keeping up an active relationship with him. My boyfriend, initially reeling from the breakup and needing a friendly ear, took them up on it, and it soon became a regular occurrence. By the time we met (about 6 months after the divorce was finalize), his ex-in-laws had him over for dinner every couple of months. While it wasn't necessarily something I would have done in his situation, it didn't particularly bother me...at first.

 

As we've gotten more serious, however, I feel more and more conflicted about the relationship. At the time, I supposed that as time went on and everyone moved on with their lives, that the invitations would become less frequent, maybe once or twice a year, but over two years later, they still call every two months like clockwork.

 

It's like my logical and emotional brains are at war. On the one hand, I get it--my boyfriend is wonderful; of course his ex's family wants to keep in touch. And I don't think there are any ulterior motives at play; for instance, I don't think they're trying to push a reconciliation between my boyfriend and his ex. I've only met them once, but they seemed lovely and have even invited me to these dinners a couple times--I appreciate the thought, but I declined given the potential awkwardness for everyone involved. And one dinner every two months isn't overly often, though sometimes it feels that way.

 

But as my boyfriend and I begin to think about a future together, I can't help but wonder how his ex-in-laws see their role in his (and our) life moving forward. Based on the relative frequency of their invitations over the past two years, I feel like they have no intention of stepping back. According to my boyfriend, they ask about me and he has no problem discussing our relationship with them, but despite their occasional invitations to me, in some ways it feels like they'd prefer I don't exist. I can't help but think a few years down the line, if we're married with a couple of kids, will his ex's family still be inviting him to play happy family? Will they want to have a relationship with his hypothetical children? At my most unkind moments I simply think, "Why won't you people just go away?!" And then I feel awful, because these were people who where there for my boyfriend during one of the most difficult periods of his life.

 

Obviously, the other major player in this saga is my boyfriend. He's aware of my discomfort, and he has been incredibly understanding and willing to talk as much as I need. He says that while he genuinely cares about them and likes catching up from time to time, the dinners are awkward and he the doesn't think it's terribly healthy. In short, he wouldn't mind letting the relationship peter out. However, with the frequency of the invitations showing no sign of decreasing, "breaking up" with his ex-in-laws would require a difficult, awkward conversation, one that he isn't eager (and not quite sure how) to have. That said, if I weren't in the picture, I'm not sure he'd be seriously considering this. And if he breaks off this friendship because of me, I'd genuinely feel worse than I do every time they call--I hate hate hate the idea of him giving up a relationship because of me and my discomfort. If the worst thing I can say about this relationship is that his ex-in-laws love him so much they can't bear to cut off contact, I consider myself pretty lucky.

 

I try to keep busy on nights when he has these dinners rather than sit home and mope, but I also recognize that that doesn't do much to solve my underlying problem. How can I deal with my discomfort in a healthy way so that I can take this friendship in stride for as long as it lasts?

[Raena]

This really boils down to what your boyfriend feels comfortable doing. It's up to him to decide if he wants to continue the friendship with his ex in laws. You can't ask him not to, he has to choose on his own. You have to decide if this is something you love about him and can accept or not. They may be like family to him since he's known them for quite awhile without their daughter around.

 

I remember this happening after I divorced my exhusband too. I stayed friendly with his mother for about 3 years after we split. Eventually I moved away and our contact ceased but I think it would have petered out on it's own eventually anyway. This may end up happening with him too.

[rushed]

My family is super close to my ex-boyfriend whom I broke up with 15 years ago. When his parents moved to another state to retire, he stayed with my family, and my family became his family. He's like an uncle to my niece and nephew whom he has known since they were born. He gives my sister and mom rides when they need it. Shoot, he's probably at my mom's house more than I am. There is no question about it - my family is his family.

 

That's how I would look at your boyfriend's situation. Don't view them as his ex-inlaws. View them as his family.

[smackie9]

You have rejected all their invites, so what are they supposed to think? Why not just once graciously accept an invitation to dinner. Meeting them will probably put your mind at rest.

[deadparrot]

This really boils down to what your boyfriend feels comfortable doing. It's up to him to decide if he wants to continue the friendship with his ex in laws. You can't ask him not to, he has to choose on his own. You have to decide if this is something you love about him and can accept or not. They may be like family to him since he's known them for quite awhile without their daughter around.

 

I remember this happening after I divorced my exhusband too. I stayed friendly with his mother for about 3 years after we split. Eventually I moved away and our contact ceased but I think it would have petered out on it's own eventually anyway. This may end up happening with him too.

 

Right, and for what it's worth, this isn't a deal breaker. I guess what I'm asking is how to deal with my discomfort in a healthy way--because, frankly, I'm not sure I'm ever going to love it, no matter how secure in our relationship I am. Is it fair to tell my boyfriend, "Hey, I completely understand and respect the circumstances of your friendship, but I may be a little "off" the day or two surrounding these visits?"

 

My family is super close to my ex-boyfriend whom I broke up with 15 years ago. When his parents moved to another state to retire, he stayed with my family, and my family became his family. He's like an uncle to my niece and nephew whom he has known since they were born. He gives my sister and mom rides when they need it. Shoot, he's probably at my mom's house more than I am. There is no question about it - my family is his family.

 

That's how I would look at your boyfriend's situation. Don't view them as his ex-inlaws. View them as his family.

 

I get that, though I should reiterate that my boyfriend isn't particularly eager to keep up the relationship, and has said that he'd be fine with letting things drift apart on their own; however, her parents have always been the ones to initiate contact. He doesn't feel like it's healthy to keep up a friendship that, in his words, "is predicated on a relationship that now negative exists." It's not to say that he doesn't care about them, or that he might not want to catch up from time to time, and he definitely doesn't want to hurt them, but he also doesn't seem interested in being in their lives long-term.

 

You have rejected all their invites, so what are they supposed to think? Why not just once graciously accept an invitation to dinner. Meeting them will probably put your mind at rest.

 

I actually have met them, about a month into us dating (I met her parents before I met my boyfriend's). Frankly, the dinners are at her parents' home, and the thought of going over there feels a bit too much like I'm infringing on his ex's "turf." And by all accounts, if we went to a restaurant, they'd insist on paying, which I'd also feel super-awkward about. They've only explicitly asked me once (when contacting my BF about dinner, they told him I was also welcome), I asked him if they'd be offended if I turned them down, he sort of chuckled and said, "No, not at all," in a way that suggested it was probably more of a courtesy invite than anything. We had just moved in together at the time, and my read of the situation was that I was included as a sort of acknowledgement that I was a big part of his life and not necessarily because they were dying to know me better. Which, again, I don't blame them for--in their situation, I'm not sure I'd be hankering to get close to my ex-son-in-law's new girlfriend either. It's been well over a year since then, and they haven't included me in an invitation since.

 

Frankly, even if I were invited, I'm not sure I'd want to go. They seem like very nice people, but I genuinely think it'd be uncomfortable for everyone.

[basil67]

I would suggest you take up their invitation. If you attending with him becomes awkward, the whole thing may stop happening. Or, you might discover that you really like them and they embrace you.

[deadparrot]

I would suggest you take up their invitation. If you attending with him becomes awkward, the whole thing may stop happening. Or, you might discover that you really like them and they embrace you.

 

Like I said, their one explicit invitation to me was over a year ago. I talked it over with my boyfriend at the time and we both thought it sounded really awkward and uncomfortable. I think they probably feel the same, because since then, they've only invited him. I don't relish the idea of visiting his ex's childhood home (her dad likes to cook and usually makes dinner) and making small talk, but I think I'd be willing to do it, especially as it becomes more and more evident that BF and I are moving towards marriage. Still, I'm not going to go without an invitation and that doesn't seem to be forthcoming.

[basil67]

Like I said, their one explicit invitation to me was over a year ago. I talked it over with my boyfriend at the time and we both thought it sounded really awkward and uncomfortable. I think they probably feel the same, because since then, they've only invited him. I don't relish the idea of visiting his ex's childhood home (her dad likes to cook and usually makes dinner) and making small talk, but I think I'd be willing to do it, especially as it becomes more and more evident that BF and I are moving towards marriage. Still, I'm not going to go without an invitation and that doesn't seem to be forthcoming.

 

Time to be assertive. All your boyfriend needs to say is "Sure, I can come. Is it OK if Deadparrot comes too?". If they say No, it gives you boyfriend a really good excuse to get out of the whole situation.

[smackie9]

IMO you "assuming" this and that is just you making excuses. You are the only one who is having issues with this. You are upset because there is a connection to the ex that's it. Your BF is wonderful, this couple are lovely and adore him. I think you should give it a chance and drop the resistance. I understand you can't get these feelings out of your head BUT TBH the only real answer is to join them. They are a big part of his life, and they are important to him. Making sacrifices is part of what it is to be in a committed relationship.

[deadparrot]

IMO you "assuming" this and that is just you making excuses. You are the only one who is having issues with this. You are upset because there is a connection to the ex that's it. Your BF is wonderful, this couple are lovely and adore him. I think you should give it a chance and drop the resistance. I understand you can't get these feelings out of your head BUT TBH the only real answer is to join them. They are a big part of his life, and they are important to him. Making sacrifices is part of what it is to be in a committed relationship.

 

I admit, I am making assumptions about some of their choices, but it's not something I'm pulling out of nowhere; it's my boyfriend's perception of the situation. Anything regarding my boyfriend's views/thoughts are just what he's told me.

 

And again, my BF is also uncomfortable with the situation. Whenever he gets home from one of these dinners and I ask him how it was, his response is always "Awkward." He does care about them, but he also doesn't see their lives intersecting in any meaningful way long-term. Obviously, it's up to him to have that conversation if/when he feels ready, but he hasn't initiated contact with them since he and his ex separated, long before I came on the scene.

 

Other than the one time they said I was welcome, I haven't been included in the invitations. Neither my boyfriend nor I feel strongly enough to really force the issue, at least at the moment.

 

Nowhere did I write that I was interested in "resisting" the relationship, as you put it. Quite the contrary-- as I said, I don't want him to give up a relationship because of me. But I am uncomfortable, and I honestly don't see that changing with time. My question was how to manage my discomfort in a healthy way so that 1) I don't let my feelings bottle up and 2) my boyfriend doesn't feel guilty or self-conscious about maintaining this friendship if he chooses to do so.

Edited September 5, 2017 by deadparrot

[basil67]

My question was how to manage my discomfort in a healthy way so that 1) I don't let my feelings bottle up and 2) my boyfriend doesn't feel guilty or self-conscious about maintaining this friendship if he chooses to do so.

 

Answer to both questions is the same: Vent to a girlfriend. You'll get the worst of it out without having to be 'off' with him when it's happening

[Noproblem]

I mean, why people make a problem out of nothing at all!

 

 

 

So what if he visits them every now and then? What's the big deal really and you are the one choosing to opt out of these dinners and events anyway.

Edited September 5, 2017 by Noproblem

[rushed]

I get that, though I should reiterate that my boyfriend isn't particularly eager to keep up the relationship, and has said that he'd be fine with letting things drift apart on their own; however, her parents have always been the ones to initiate contact. He doesn't feel like it's healthy to keep up a friendship that, in his words, "is predicated on a relationship that now negative exists." It's not to say that he doesn't care about them, or that he might not want to catch up from time to time, and he definitely doesn't want to hurt them, but he also doesn't seem interested in being in their lives long-term.

 

Then he just needs to suck it up and tell them he doesn't think it's a good idea for him to be having dinner over there so often. I know if I don't want to have dinner with someone I make up excuses so I don't have to go.

 

I see a couple of possibilities. Either your boyfriend needs to overcome his fear and start blowing them off or just plain out let them know he doesn't want to hang out with them anymore. Or the other possibility is he doesn't mind going over there and he's just telling you what he thinks might appease you because he knows you don't like him going over there.

Edited September 5, 2017 by rushed
grammar

[Dis]

I dont know why everyone is acting like this is normal...

 

I'd be super uncomfortable with my ex having a relationship with his ex's parents

 

I understand they're more like family to him than ex-in lawns but the reality is, its a little inappropriate and super awkward for everyone involved for this to be continuing for years after the divorce

 

OP, I dont think there's much you can do besides grin and bear it. If everything with your bf is as great as you say it is, this might be something you have to just accept. Although, I dont know why your bf doesnt just put a pin in the relationship seeing as he seems to be uncomfortable as well...Boundaries!

 

I also agree that it would be uncomfortable and awkward for you to have dinner with them. Oh god, I'd be cringing the entire time! Cant blame you one bit, OP

[Gaeta]

You need to see them as people, and not as ex-in-laws. If you were secure this would not be an issue. AT ALL.

 

I've divorced in 1998, you can count how many years ago, and I still visit my ex-mother in law once a year, and all my ex-sisters-in-law including having them on my FB etc. My ex-h visited my parents each summer from our divorce in 1998 up to when he died in 2013. He took his new wife with him when he got married. It's just people, it's just a visit.

 

My ex-boyfriend use to get up each Sunday morning to bring his ex-mother-in-law grocery shopping because she didn't drive. Did I create a problem over this? heck no! I thought he was even more amazing than I first thought!

 

I could go on and on with examples like this. Let it go. They are just people!

[mortensorchid]

I still send flowers on Mother's Day to my last real bf's mother. She deserves a better son than that piece of s***. I don't see her but I love her still and she knows that. The one I had before him was many years ago, his family was a bunch of rednecks and so was he. No love is lost between me and them.

 

As to your situation? It's strange to be sure, but it exists under circumstances. Sometimes people bond under odd circumstances. His ex wife's foolishness to end the relationship is what the real issue is here. They want to do the right thing in creating a relationship with him and saying they still care for him. And he does for them. So step aside, let him and them have their relationship as it is.

[kendahke]

All are adults here and adults may choose their friends--that's one of the perks of being an adult.

 

OP--talk to your boyfriend and tell him one of the two:

 

1. He may no longer to have dinners with his ex's family under any circumstances.

 

or

 

2. Next time he gets an invite, you'd like to come along so he's not shouldering the "awkwardness" all by himself.

 

He has to be the one who gets to the point where he no longer gets anything out of visiting with them; not you making that decision. That's turning an adult/adult dynamic into a parent/child dynamic and resentment and rebellion are the by products of that course of action.

 

Everytime I went home, I would always visit by daughter's grandmother, who still considered me as her daughter in law, even though her son had remarried. When my girl was in college, I've been invited to Thanksgiving dinner at their home if I was in town and to stay with them when my daughter was there as well.

 

With my ex, after we broke up, I would still go see his mom and his sister and brother in law when I was in town.

 

People form close relationships and usually don't sever them if they weren't the ones who brought about the end of the relationship. Your boyfriend is such a person to his in-laws.

Edited September 5, 2017 by kendahke

[smackie9]

I admit, I am making assumptions about some of their choices, but it's not something I'm pulling out of nowhere; it's my boyfriend's perception of the situation. Anything regarding my boyfriend's views/thoughts are just what he's told me.

 

And again, my BF is also uncomfortable with the situation. Whenever he gets home from one of these dinners and I ask him how it was, his response is always "Awkward." He does care about them, but he also doesn't see their lives intersecting in any meaningful way long-term. Obviously, it's up to him to have that conversation if/when he feels ready, but he hasn't initiated contact with them since he and his ex separated, long before I came on the scene.

 

Other than the one time they said I was welcome, I haven't been included in the invitations. Neither my boyfriend nor I feel strongly enough to really force the issue, at least at the moment.

 

Nowhere did I write that I was interested in "resisting" the relationship, as you put it. Quite the contrary-- as I said, I don't want him to give up a relationship because of me. But I am uncomfortable, and I honestly don't see that changing with time. My question was how to manage my discomfort in a healthy way so that 1) I don't let my feelings bottle up and 2) my boyfriend doesn't feel guilty or self-conscious about maintaining this friendship if he chooses to do so.

TBH I don't think your BF is forthcoming about his true feelings. I think he is telling you what you want to hear out of empathy/ to pacify you but actually does care about them. If he didn't care like he says, he would just decline their invitations.

[MrsSimpf]

You sound very kind and thoughtful for all involved. He's a lucky guy. Not all would feel as you do. You said your boyfriend is also a bit interested in slowing down these dinners but isn't sure how. Sit down together and discuss openly where you want this to go once you're married. As you said, initially this was a comfort to him during such a hard time. One suggestion is that he could start by skipping them occasionally. Perhaps for them to understand he has moved on to a wonderful future with you, you may want to consider joining him at dinner (I would and did in a similar situation with an exgirlfriend!) , however awkward, which will emphasize that he has moved on and that you are moving toward being a family together. It doesn't mean all mustbe ended but perhaps can shift gradually. Prayers for you and your boyfriend to make a change together with you in the forefront.