Back To That Sinking Feeling Again...advise please

[At Peace]

I know I have no one else to blame. I broke the NC tool big time and it's been two days and I'm hurting struggling with the disappointment from the turn of events. Not only did I see him I let it get physical again. Sex. I deluded myself into thinking he's nicer now and immediately after he became sarcastic, critical of me and angry over petty things. WHAT's wrong with me?!!! It was sooo weak of me to allow myself to go with him. Now I'm devastated and finding myself in that awful sinking feeling. I worked so much on building myself up and foolishly gave my power over to him. This double blow seems all the more worse. How do I recover from this setback without replaying the hurt over and over in my head again? I simply don't know how to start selvaging my heart all over again.

[A Fly onThe Wall]

Everybody falls down .. Just pick yourself up dust yourself off and learn from it...

 

It's the second time you do it that it is a problem..Not the first

[At Peace]

Perhaps I am truly a glutton for punishment. Everything was going so well, I thought I was able moving ahead and focusing on me. Doing things that interested me. Healing from the first time he broke off from me. And when he called and seemed generally interested instead of walking away from what I now see was bad news in a package, I walked back into into this abyss and now I have to climb out of it..and it feels like hell.

People just don't get over breakups and are vulnerable even when we think we are strong and past it. And what is worse he'll never get how hurtful he was to me. His sarcastic inuendos and cryptic remarks he just sees himself as being funny. And I just let it happen all over again.

[dreaming4ever]

Wow, are you sure we didn't date the same guy? Today is day 22 postbreakup for me (we were together for 2 years) and my guy sounds like yours. And the worst part is that I know that if I called him right now and told him I wanted to see him he would.....and if I kissed him he'd kiss back and do whatever I want. And as awesome as that sounds it's also twice as hard knowing that. I mean, sure, I remind myself that he's a jerk daily and even have a list of reasons why that I force myself to refer to regularly but in the end all I want to do is stop this pain.....I'm sitting here right now listening to "Home" by Michael Buble over and over and crying into my cereal.......as much of an ass as he was to me a lot of the time, I was used to it......I made him my entire world, which I know you should never do but I did it and we were together all the time......so now, I'm completely alone to just sink into this bottomless pit of despair......and it just feels like it's getting deeper by the day. I mean, I want him back and I don't even care if he treats me like crap....I don't even care anymore. Isn't getting treated badly some of the time and being treated nice some of the time better than being completely and utterly alone, crying endlessly? I think it is.......like, if I watch a sad show, I feel so crappy lately that it takes me forever to get out of that sad mode....I just can't lift myself back up anymore....like, why bother?

 

I really think all of us who are suffering like this from breakups need to get together and form some kind of support group....I wouldn't mind having someone to cry with. I live in Ontario near Toronto....if anyone else lives near me, let's cry over our ex's together, I'm serious......anything has to be better than this.

 

Wanna hear the cutest thing ever? My cousin is 24 and he was with his girlfriend for 4 years, thought he was going to marry her and everything and then she cheated on him (one night stand) and got pregnant.....so, when they broke up my aunt told me that he cried and cried every day for a month over her.....and my aunt (his mother) felt so bad for him that she cried with him.....every day.....for the entire month......isn't that just the sweetest thing ever? makes me want to cry actually....

[At Peace]

Why are we doing this to ourselves? Why am I? I've read and have come to see that this rejection has been internalized within us. We have now come to believe that if this person doesn't love us we are not loveable by anyone else...until we win their love we feel unworthy. We have elevated these people who have hurt us to a status because we have not come to terms that this person does not want us. Any scraps of affection they give us is enough to make us think we are going to get more. And we are walking around alone with this psycho mind game going on all by ourselves. We can't see anyone else going through it when we are out among people, and it's heartbreaking. So we endure this yo-yo torture until

it finally breaks us down. Do I like my ex? I liked the person I met in the very beginning, but it has nothing to do with the person he is now. It's like I keep hoping he'll change. We are hurting ourselves with these bf

and gf, who are not interested in us anymore. Just think how that sounds...they aren't interested in us. horrible, no? do we dislike ourselves so much that we are willing to settle for so little? how did we get to this point?

[dreaming4ever]

You're exactly right but I don't honestly know how we got to this point. Yes, I feel unloveable and it's the worst feeling ever. I wonder why my ex didn't love me enough that it wanted to make him a better man. I mean, I honestly tried to be the best girlfriend I possibly could. I'm a perfectionist so that's normal for me....and yet it wasn't good enough for him? What did he want? I don't get it. How could he not love me the way I love him? It just doesn't make any sense...that's when I come to the conclusion that I guess I'm just not worthy of love, cuz honestly what other explanation is there?

[At Peace]

But dreaming4ever, the question remains to be asked...do you like your ex, as the person he is now? we may have virtually for lack of a better expression, brainwashed ourselves into thinking no one else will ever make us feel loveable or sexy or any number of things we felt in the early or good parts of when we were with the ex's. we literally play that thinking over and over in our heads. Plenty of times I've driven myself into a frenzy thinking this. so when he does call I'm so ready to pick up what he barely offers...but I'm sure if I met you and saw your ex or vice versa, we'd tell each other you don't need this person. You're better off without him. We have to come to terms with the idea, WE MAY NOT EVEN like these men who have hurt us. yet we have all this love energy to put out there and it has to land on someone but to us it's security to still keep loving them, instead of holding it in and loving us and then putting it out there for someone who really wants it. As cruel as it is, we have to remind ourselves they are not interested in us.

there's something in that phrase that cuts to the core and makes me see how I can't keep doing this, clinging and hoping for some more crumbs from him.

[dreaming4ever]

You're very perceptive AtPeace,

No, I absolutely don't like the person my ex is now. He's the laziest SOB you'll ever meet who planned on marrying me and sitting at home doing nothing while I worked all day and made money for us. All he does is sit around and smoke dope all day and yet he thinks he is so much better than everyone else and he's too selfish to do anything for anyone besides himself. He even had the nerve to call my closest friend white trash....and the list goes on and on. So, you're right, no I don't like the person he is now. He hid some of the bad stuff about himself from me at the beginning so I fell in love with him. It sucks....but I know what you mean, do NOT accept any crumbs of affection from your ex, it's not worth it and we both have to teach ourselves somehow that we deserve better and then FIND that better person who is worthy of our love. I wish you lived close, we could both go to the gym together regularly and talk about our issues like this and get through it together. Especially since no one else around me quite gets this like you do.

[At Peace]

the reason I am getting it is because I've been going through this hell crying pit in the stomache sadness till it hurts ..with my ex. I mean at first when we met, we were friends and it escalated to friends who had great sex and in my mind it was probably more. He on the other hand, was available but not available. Always giving mixed signals, like "I have more important things to do than be with you" because he was "soooo" busy. Doing what because he's acting student. or implying how other girls were coming onto him. Hinting that he could easily be with another (and he eventually did dump me for that reason.)Still I went about my days doing what I did, but I didn't realize that the shift of how friendly and fun he was at the beginning was disappearing into this uptight, judgemental labeling everybody with condescending terms. I would refuse to see him as he actually was, hanging on to the sexy nice fun guy I met and fell for. So, in my mind I would make excuses and try (just like you) to be sweeter or sexier during the brief crumbs of time thinking oh he'll switch back. He's just in a bad mood. and he would be sweet right before sex and cranky, irritable and sarcastic, judgemental and intolerant immediately after. My ego refused to see the truth. I kept asking myself how can he go back and forth so quickly, we were having fun, weren't we. Even now, if I think of my last encounter with him, I get caught up in seeing him and thinking of the guy he was before. This is why I think ours minds..imagination is more powerful. I continuously do things to focus on myself and yet he is a serious weak spot. So I am not going to lie to myself that he still has that effect, but I am going to try to recondition my thinking that I don't like the person he can be. It took time to distort our thinkings and feelings towards these guys and we did it to ourselves and we have to do it in reverse. Period.

[dreaming4ever]

You're right,

One thing I did soon after the breakup is I wrote a list of all of my ex's faults, that way when I start thinking and focusing on the good times I make myself look at the list and think, "wow, how could I ever be with someone this awful?" It does actually work for me a bit too although I still do have rough times.....but I guess I'll just keep trying to get through them one day at a time.

[At Peace]

Just keep in mind, we're going to come through this stronger. But don't resist the rough spots, by deny that you still wish to be with the ex, but accept the longing ONLY along with acceptance immediately switch to that thinking of " oh yeah but remember that crappy way he ignored me." Even if you see him, or hear him and get weak, the fact that you know what's going on inside you sort of takes back our power, it's not feeling powerless and still in love. We know we've been conditioned now we are going through the unconditioning.

[dreaming4ever]

You know I had an insight today.....I was thinking about all of the guys I've had relationships with and I may have figured something out, either that or it's coincidence. But all my life my father has ignored me and treated me badly and looking at all the guys in my past, they've all kind of been the same way. You know how they say that people who have been abused end up seeking someone to abuse them as a mate subconsciously because that is what they're used to. What is your past like? Does that work for you as well. If that is the reason I always end up with jerks I think that really sucks.....it's weird too because sometimes a guy will really come on strong and be super nice and everything and honestly, I'm a little bit turned off. It's not that I don't want a guy that's nice, maybe I just don't want a guy that tries that hard? I dunno....

 

As to what you said, yes I'm going to come through this stronger. This is my 2nd major relationship that has ended. Boy, I get stronger by the day don't I? Us weaning ourselves from our ex's to make ourselves think or KNOW that we don't need them, it's kinda like detox isn't it? It's like, complete hell at the beginning but after that it gets easier and it's all for the best. Not that I've ever been through detox or anything. Good luck The bunny is rooting for you!

[At Peace]

my background has had a similiar dysfunctional history, more emotional neglect. And yes, because of that, we do what we've been (sounds familiar right) we seek out what we've been conditioned to. In a way we have become accostumed to this behavior. But we are lucky, because we are aware of what's going on. Now we have no excuse for torturing ourselves. Its great that you go to the gym. Go out with your friends or even yourself to a movie, take a class (myself I am studying italian and pursuing my career with a new determination). Just because we had lackluster childhoods doesn't mean we have to be prisoners of our past, nor prisoners of these unappreciative ex's. I remember when I was freshly dumped by my ex (I did subsequently went with him again only to get my wound freshly open) but that's not the point I was getting to, I remembered how awful it was to just walk down the streets and see couples. Now as of late it doesn't phase me at all. I've got my own life to focus on and look forward to. As for any new relationship, without getting bitter, I think we can now start being more selective. I know now, charm is all but a fleeting thing. I fell for the package (plus he was a Brit and I was like wow..he's perfect!) Nope, accent or not I must really get to know the guy. And watch for any shifts in moods. I never listened to my guts. Don't make excuses for rude behavior.. I should have walked the first time he became arrogant and never looked back. REMEMBER only be around people who are interested and I mean totally interested in You.