brandon26003 Posted September 4, 2017 Posted September 4, 2017 I'm 37 and she's 35. We've been dating for almost a month. Everything was great. We hung out every weekend and she often made comments like she doesn't care what we do, as long as she's with me she doesn't care what we do. The first month, she never had problems getting someone to watch her son. We were supposed to meet up this past weekend, but on Tuesday, she said her son's Grandparents may be going out of town for the weekend, but she wasn't sure. She said she'd let me know Thursday if the Grandparents, her sitter, would be available. Friday she said that she was available to hang out on Saturday. Saturday afternoon she said she that I should make other plans because her sitters were no longer available. I asked her when she would be available again and she said she didn't know. Her son had TBall practice this week and she may be going out of town the following weekend. I haven't talked to her in 2 days. I don't know about y'all, but if I'm interested in someone, I'll make time to see them and not go 3 weeks without seeing them. This upsets me because when I start dating someone new, this normally happens after a month. All of a sudden there are various reasons why they are unavailable. With this situation, I'm thinking (A) someone else is in the picture and she would meet up with me if that person cancels. (B) She's pushing me away because she's starting to like me, but she's pushing me away as a defense mechanism. It's probably a combination of both. My question is, should I say something to her that I don't like going 3 weeks without seeing her? If I say that, and we do hang out again, I'll wonder if the only reason we are hanging out again is because I said something. Should I go full no contact and write her off ? This one is really frustrating.
preraph Posted September 4, 2017 Posted September 4, 2017 Maybe the grandparents saw the shape of things to come and put their foot down about always being available to babysit. So if she can afford it, she'd need to hire a sitter, or else you'd need to take the kid with you, which she might or might not be thinking but it's a bad idea because a months is too soon to let a new guy around your kids. It's probably not you. It's probably her. It's hard to date after you have kids.
Bastile Posted September 4, 2017 Posted September 4, 2017 I do everything on a weekly cycle (I'm a bit ocd). Basically, if a woman doesn't fit into my weekly cycle or routine, then she is a very low priority. I can't make much of a use of her. If this woman won't fit into your week in some way, then turn your attentions to finding other women that will. This planet is full of amazing women that demand your attention. Don't squander it. Do the natural thing, and chase other skirt. Or do the unnatural thing, and suffer. 4
kendahke Posted September 4, 2017 Posted September 4, 2017 Hmmm... Labor Day weekend, her folks wanted to go out of town and don't need her permission... ditto the sitter who decided that they didn't feel like watching her child on their last holiday weekend... tomorrow in the US is "Rentre", which means most everyone is going back to school or work from summer vacation, so there's all that schedule coordination that needs to take place. The child has TBall practice, which means she's got to coordinate getting him there and having him picked up afterwards, on top of her going back to work. In any of this, did you offer solutions for her, or did you cop an attitude instead? 1
ThorntonMelon Posted September 4, 2017 Posted September 4, 2017 Its definitely not B. She's not pushing you away as a defense mechanism. You should assume she is no longer interested. However, I wouldn't be sending texts like you suggest. I'd send a text that says "getting the impression you're not interested anymore, understood you're very busy. If things change and you want to get to know me more, that would be great but I'm looking for something more consistent. Hope you find what you're looking for!" And then nothing else. She isn't interested, you just need to take the high road and find someone else. 4
kendahke Posted September 4, 2017 Posted September 4, 2017 This upsets me because when I start dating someone new, this normally happens after a month. All of a sudden there are various reasons why they are unavailable. You're at the point where the representatives have been dismissed and the real you and them come to the fore. The representatives have been on their best behavior and since all was new, was able to lean on grandparents and sitters so they could have time. Now that 4 weeks have gone by, the coach and horses have turned back into a pumpkin and some mice and those people she's been leaning on are pushing back and wanting their time back. This is the real her: she's rearing a son and she's got him in activities so he's not sitting around the house being bored and getting into trouble, which good parents do. Their life, which was put aside to accommodate a new relationship, is insisting on its priority place and she's got things in hers that need addressing. Your best bet is to not date women with children because they are the priority, not some guy they've only known for 4 weeks. You're supposed to come second to a girlfriend's child. Not until you are her husband to you eclipse that relationship and even then, if her child was there before you came on the scene, you're still going to be behind him to a certain extent. But this is normal for everyone--the real you's have real lives and there are things in your lives, which demand your attention. 1
kendahke Posted September 4, 2017 Posted September 4, 2017 I'd send a text that says "getting the impression you're not interested anymore Don't send this. It makes you look weak and needy. 8
ThorntonMelon Posted September 4, 2017 Posted September 4, 2017 No it doesn't. But if you'd rather he ghosted, that's fine as well.
ChatroomHero Posted September 4, 2017 Posted September 4, 2017 You need to basically let it go. If she is not interested in making time, it is pointless to do things like rationalize she is doing it because she is too interested in you. That's your defense mechanism kicking in. You pretty much already know the truth, she has low interest. You will never get her to say, yeah, my interest fell off...so your best bet is to let her go. She might come back but very likely not. You'll just find if you don't contact her or try to make time, she'll pretty much forget about you. That will be your answer.
Author brandon26003 Posted September 4, 2017 Author Posted September 4, 2017 Hmmm... Labor Day weekend, her folks wanted to go out of town and don't need her permission... ditto the sitter who decided that they didn't feel like watching her child on their last holiday weekend... tomorrow in the US is "Rentre", which means most everyone is going back to school or work from summer vacation, so there's all that schedule coordination that needs to take place. The child has TBall practice, which means she's got to coordinate getting him there and having him picked up afterwards, on top of her going back to work. In any of this, did you offer solutions for her, or did you cop an attitude instead? I did not "cop an attitude.". I asked her when she may be available again, and she gave a flaky answer. I told her that I wouldn't mind doing something more family friendly to accommodate her son, but she said she didn't feel comfortable with that and I told her I completely understand.
Author brandon26003 Posted September 4, 2017 Author Posted September 4, 2017 She did message me last night to which I did not respond.
Author brandon26003 Posted September 4, 2017 Author Posted September 4, 2017 My last message to her was saying that it sucks that we would go a few more weeks without seeing one another. She follows me on social media and saw that I was out with some friends. She said, "You look like you're wasted, lol." I may wait another day to send her a message...I may message her tonight. I wanted to wait a while to respond so I don't let my emotions come through in the message. I'm very upset because things were going great and then all of a sudden several reasons why we wouldn't hang out for a while. That's almost identical to how things have ended with almost EVERY girl I've dated in the past 5 years. I let my guard down a bit and this happens. I'm more angry at myself than anything.
smackie9 Posted September 4, 2017 Posted September 4, 2017 If this keeps happening, it's not the girl........ 6
Mike B. Posted September 4, 2017 Posted September 4, 2017 I may wait another day to send her a message...I may message her tonight. I wanted to wait a while to respond so I don't let my emotions come through in the message. I'm very upset because things were going great and then all of a sudden several reasons why we wouldn't hang out for a while. That's almost identical to how things have ended with almost EVERY girl I've dated in the past 5 years. I let my guard down a bit and this happens. I'm more angry at myself than anything. Don't get angry. Don't even get angry when you are alone. It will bleed into your interactions with her and she will smell it on you like a shark can smell blood. As men in the dating world, we have to understand that this type of behavior can be expected. To be good at dating, is to be good at not letting this type of behavior ruffle your feathers. You step back, swing in the hammock a bit until she has gotten her act together, then you resume. Do not allow anxiety overcome you in regards to wondering if you step back will she still be there. Be confident that she will be there after you step back. When it comes to these sort of things, knowing how to back off efficiently is the key. Give room for expansion. 3
joseb Posted September 4, 2017 Posted September 4, 2017 There is no need to get angry. It's one of two things - she is just super busy with her kid, who she puts a lot higher than you on her importance scale she just isn't as into you as she thought now that the honeymoon period is wearing off. Neither is a cause for anger. Channel your energy into other things (including dating other women if you feel like it) 6
SevenCity Posted September 4, 2017 Posted September 4, 2017 My last message to her was saying that it sucks that we would go a few more weeks without seeing one another. She follows me on social media and saw that I was out with some friends. She said, "You look like you're wasted, lol." I may wait another day to send her a message...I may message her tonight. I wanted to wait a while to respond so I don't let my emotions come through in the message. I'm very upset because things were going great and then all of a sudden several reasons why we wouldn't hang out for a while. That's almost identical to how things have ended with almost EVERY girl I've dated in the past 5 years. I let my guard down a bit and this happens. I'm more angry at myself than anything. THIS is where your problem lies. You are getting emotional after a month? This is pushing the women away. As much as you think you're not projecting your emotions you are. There is nothing wrong with being happy or even excited to see a girl in that time but you should not become emotional. You are living in the future rather than the present. They are sensing this. At a month you should be nothing but fun and good times, not butt hurt because you're not seeing them enough. In that time period I've slept with all the women I've dated (not all the ones I went out on date with but those who stayed around for that long) and I still hold no expectations. After 6 months you can see what they are about. Keep your emotions in check until then. Have an abundance attitude. If she's busy now don't belly ache about it being too long just say "No problem - text me when your schedule frees up. Have a great week!" I went out on one date with this girl and got the cheek when I went for the kiss. I usually would bail but did get one FWB out of another girl who didn't want to kiss and the end of the first date. She texted me after I got home saying she wanted to go out again. We were supposed to go out this week and she texted me saying she needs to reschedule. I said the above and don't care if we end up getting together or not. I've got dates setup for Friday and Saturday and I can use the break. If the Friday and Saturday ones flake that's ok too. I save money and get to spend time doing what I want. It's win win. You appear to have an anxious attachment style - this will turn women off. Google Craig Kenneth Anxious and check out his YouTube videos. Also pick up corey Wayne's book and look at his vids as well. CW can really help guys with your problem of women always leaving. It's amazing to see how your behavior can impact relationships without you realizing. I was out of dating for 17 years and CW really helped me.
Author brandon26003 Posted September 5, 2017 Author Posted September 5, 2017 Thank you all for your advice. When I say emotions, I mean that I didn't want to say something when I was still upset. If I did that, I may have said something that I'd regret. I wanted to think about it for a while. I am no "butt hurt" at all. I think anyone would think the same way that I did if they saw the person every weekend for a month and all of a sudden that person cancels and then all of a sudden is completely booked for the next few weeks. I am not a fan of dating multiple women at once. Admittedly, I do get a little anxious when I start dating someone that I see a future with. I tend to over analyze things. I worry about showing that overly interested and also worry about not showing enough interest. When something happens and plans are broken, I wonder what's going on. Did I say something wrong, are they out with someone else, are they just trying to keep me around as a "back up" plan, etc. I give them the benefit of the doubt, but usually when my gut tells me something is going on, there is.
Scarlett.O'hara Posted September 5, 2017 Posted September 5, 2017 I'm not sure if she is genuinely struggling to make time or just losing interest. Either way, I think it might be a good idea to back off for a while. Her last message "comment" was meaningless, and personally I don't think it even warrants a response. If she is genuinely interested in you, I think there will come a point where she will start to worry about losing your interest, and will have to start making more of an effort. I think you have tried to be very accommodating of her situation, but you need to find out if she reciprocates and has actual girlfriend potential. If you're not into multi-dating or "chasing skirt" don't feel obligated to do that. There are plenty of women out there that would consider you a catch on that basis alone. Just don't waste too long on the wrong woman who doesn't appreciate a good thing. 2
staggerlee71 Posted September 5, 2017 Posted September 5, 2017 My interpretation is 4 weeks in, she is not going to rearrange her life to accommodate you. I genuinely believe she is really busy and scrambling to hold the fort down. She text you last night, that's not a play for ghosting or trying to get out. I actually translate that as I'm still here. If I were going to text, it would read something like" I know your super busy, would love to get together when you your available and leave it in her court and get on with your life. your just down on the priority list right now. which is where you should be. Until you meet the kids, this casual for her. I do agree with smackie however. if this is Always happening to you, you are projecting pressure on these women way to soon in the dating game. Personally I don't think 4 weeks is all that much time. 1
rushed Posted September 5, 2017 Posted September 5, 2017 Stop dating her and go find somebody else. A woman with a kid needs a man who's understanding of her time and not someone who can't even control his emotions enough to text her back. 1
kendahke Posted September 5, 2017 Posted September 5, 2017 She did message me last night to which I did not respond. that's what I mean by copping an attitude.
kendahke Posted September 5, 2017 Posted September 5, 2017 No it doesn't. Yes it does because now he's ignoring her text as a means to punish her. 2
Author brandon26003 Posted September 5, 2017 Author Posted September 5, 2017 Yes it does because now he's ignoring her text as a means to punish her. So... I should timely respond to every message and give her the impression that she'll get my prompt attention whenever she wants it ?
ChatroomHero Posted September 5, 2017 Posted September 5, 2017 So... I should timely respond to every message and give her the impression that she'll get my prompt attention whenever she wants it ? The second you start timing your responses to a text to match the secret message you want to send, you are playing childish games. If you wait a couple of hours to respond to show how busy or in demand you are, you are playing a game and creating a fake 'demand'. If you withhold a response to a text to say, "See, I can pretend to be too busy and place a low level of interest on you", you are playing a game. When she texts you, if you are available, respond. It's one thing if you are angry and want to wait until you cool down, or you are drinking and want to wait until the next morning. But if you are withholding a response to someone to send a silent message with the intent to hurt her a little because she hurt you, you are being a child. 5
SevenCity Posted September 5, 2017 Posted September 5, 2017 The second you start timing your responses to a text to match the secret message you want to send, you are playing childish games. If you wait a couple of hours to respond to show how busy or in demand you are, you are playing a game and creating a fake 'demand'. If you withhold a response to a text to say, "See, I can pretend to be too busy and place a low level of interest on you", you are playing a game. When she texts you, if you are available, respond. It's one thing if you are angry and want to wait until you cool down, or you are drinking and want to wait until the next morning. But if you are withholding a response to someone to send a silent message with the intent to hurt her a little because she hurt you, you are being a child. I disagree. Respond when and if you feel like it. I treat women the same way they treat me. If they take hours to respond then they are low on my priority list. Call it game playing but you come off as over eager if you are responding in minutes to someone who waits hours or days to respond. It's like you're waiting for their reach out and putting your life on hold for them. Women often react poorly to immediate responses - they don't want a guy who is super interested when they are not. Taking hours or days to respond shows their lack of interest. Bottom line is if you are looking for something serious you want a woman who is excited to see you. This one ain't it. If you are just looking to score then keep your response time in line with hers.
Recommended Posts