I can't tell what's happening...

[Confusion2]

you still need to apologise ...even more so with the grace she has shown you...by replying and thanking you.

 

so organise a time you can meet ...bite the proverbial bullet....and go to her and say you are sorry...i truly wish you well...it sounds like it may go that way for you....deb

 

If I can get her to meet me I will. That's what my goal is. :)

[Confusion2]

Had a situation with this girl who I was dating. It was a bad fight, triggered by me and just really bad. Not physical but basically I had suspected her of being after me for my money and actually just trying to find someone richer the whole time.

 

She really was furious. It's been about 8 days since that. Yesterday was her birthday, I sent her a birthday text (we had originally planned to be together the day, but we cancelled everything obviously). She sent me a very prompt response "Thank you so much" with three smiley faces and a heart. Odd choice of emoji if you're still so mad with me.

 

So really, I want to try and see if we can get this back on track. What would you all recommend? She was more open than I had assumed...or am I reading too much into things?

[Mike B.]

If you two get back on track after what you said, your original accusation was probably right.

[knabe]

I wouldn't get back with a man who accused me of that.

[Confusion2]

If you two get back on track after what you said, your original accusation was probably right.

 

Hmmm. Then why the smiles and hearts? Just seemed like a bit friendly if she's so mad. IDK. I'm bad at dating.

[Robratory]

You have money? I ask because for most women to be after one's money, it's got to be a lot of money. Just having a good job isn't enough.

 

What Mike B. was suggesting is that, if she gets back together with you, it's probably because she really is after your money.

 

What I would suggest is that you think about what happened. Were you fair in your assessment, or were you being cruel because of some resentment. Think about it, and if you really did make a mistake, tell you you want to talk to her in person, and then apologize. Don't try to make up yet. Just apologize. You'll know by how she reacts if you're going to make up or not.

[Mike B.]

Hmmm. Then why the smiles and hearts? Just seemed like a bit friendly if she's so mad. IDK. I'm bad at dating.

 

 

Yes, saying that was bad. Don't read too much into the smiles and hearts. You sent her a birthday wish and women can just do things like that to show their appreciation that you remembered.

 

 

I guess it won't hurt to just try and send a text. I would probably take some of the sting out first by joking and apologizing about what you said by saying that you forgot to take your crazy medication that morning before you told her that. Then say seriously, I am deeply sorry that I said such a very horrible thing to her. You didn't deserved that. You are a real class act. I wish I could take back what I said and I would anything to make it up to you- then never bring up your freakin money ever again to her.

 

I hope that helps. Good luck to you.

[Confusion2]

No. I said that because I do have money and have been used for it before. So I'm sensitive about that. And the first time we met she made a point to say "I could never be with a guy just for money." which immediately made me think she's with me for money. So it was there the whole time in my head and one night I just blew up about it.

[basil67]

Reading up on the original issue here http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/632989-cooldown

 

Last we heard, you were wanting to apologise, but you couldn't see how what you did was harmful. Unless you can get to the point of believing that your actions were truly deplorable, leave the poor girl alone.

[divegrl]

Regarding the emojis, don't use them as a way to gauge her feelings towards you.

 

Women use heart/smiley emojis on 98.7% of texts!!!

 

Good luck!!!!

[Ami1uwant]

You said she was a gold digger....

[Miss Spider]

Hmmm. Then why the smiles and hearts? Just seemed like a bit friendly if she's so mad. IDK. I'm bad at dating.

 

Gotta throw some smiles and heart emojis to dip into that bank account

[Confusion2]

Seems I may have a shot. She said when I get back from my business trip we should meet for coffee. I don't even know what I could do when I see her.

[GemmaUK]

Seems I may have a shot. She said when I get back from my business trip we should meet for coffee. I don't even know what I could do when I see her.

 

Suggesting a coffee - she's allocating you just enough time to get in, say what she needs to say and get out again.

What you should do is listen and then take yourself off and learn to grow up and take responsibility for your words and actions.

[Confusion2]

Suggesting a coffee - she's allocating you just enough time to get in, say what she needs to say and get out again.

What you should do is listen and then take yourself off and learn to grow up and take responsibility for your words and actions.

 

Why she couldn't just say it over the phone then? It seems as though maybe their is a desire to reconcile. Maybe I am reading this wrong.

[GemmaUK]

Why she couldn't just say it over the phone then? It seems as though maybe their is a desire to reconcile. Maybe I am reading this wrong.

 

Face to face is the clearest form of communication.

 

If I wanted to reconcile I would suggest dinner - more talking time and I'd be investing more of my time.

If I just wanted to say something it'd be coffee - short and sweet and little investment time wise.

 

She hasn't been in contact with you for a while though - is that the norm after one of your 'incidents' which you say you usually 'get away with'?

If it's the norm and she breaks contact for several days or a week or so usually and won't respond but then usually suggests coffee as your 'make up' then you're probably fine.

[Confusion2]

Face to face is the clearest form of communication.

 

If I wanted to reconcile I would suggest dinner - more talking time and I'd be investing more of my time.

If I just wanted to say something it'd be coffee - short and sweet and little investment time wise.

 

She hasn't been in contact with you for a while though - is that the norm after one of your 'incidents' which you say you usually 'get away with'?

If it's the norm and she breaks contact for several days or a week or so usually and won't respond but then usually suggests coffee as your 'make up' then you're probably fine.

 

 

We've only been dating a bit over two months so she's really never shut down this hard before. I guess I'll have to wait and see. I got her very sentimental with something and she said I brought back a lot of memories and it just jogged her back int talking with me and wanting to see me.

[GemmaUK]

We've only been dating a bit over two months so she's really never shut down this hard before. I guess I'll have to wait and see. I got her very sentimental with something and she said I brought back a lot of memories and it just jogged her back int talking with me and wanting to see me.

 

Two months and you have already done enough stuff you consider the same to be 'fine and you have got away with it'? And she has 'let you off'?

 

Now you're manipulating as well?

I hope she is aware of abusive relationships because you're classic of it!

 

Wow!

[Confusion2]

Abusive relationship? That sounds insane.

[GemmaUK]

Me and my girl have argued before, but the other night took the cake. Basically, I said some things that were extremely hurtful. I told her that she was a gold digger and maybe found someone with more money than me.

Saying hurtful things such as you did is belittling her. This is what an abuser does.

 

This really got to her core I can see. I never heard her so mad. Usually when we have fought in the past she would go silent for a few hours, but forgive

Sounds like all of these arguments you're having stem from you. What have all the other arguments been about?

 

Sadly it's not her I just have awful anger issues.

A common trait with abusers.

In general or just with her? Do your anger issues surface with family/colleagues/bosses/friends/anyone else too?

 

Just sent her a text "I see you've found yourself a nice new rich man, so enjoy!" and that was her snapping point. We had a tense day anyway. She's in the past been forgiving.

Passive aggressive - a common trait with abusers.

 

Well, that's pretty unfortunate. I would forgive something like that. I think it's quite minor honestly.

You still aren't seeing how nasty what you said was so any apology from you isn't going to be sincere.

Calling her a gold digger is disrespecting her moral core unless of course she has been fleecing you, never paying for anything, nor even offering to on dates and never doing things for you at all.

Is that what she does?

 

We've only been dating a bit over two months so she's really never shut down this hard before. I guess I'll have to wait and see. I got her very sentimental with something and she said I brought back a lot of memories and it just jogged her back int talking with me and wanting to see me.

At two months you should be in the honeymoon phase and dating should be a load of fun.

2nd bold part is manipulative. A common trait with abusers.

 

Until you become aware of how difficult it is trying to date someone who treats you like this you won't change this behaviour and if you reconcile it won't be long until you have another outburst. It all stems from your insecurities.

Belittle her enough and she will soon be walking on eggshells around you if she sticks around. Once that starts to happen you'll become controlling too, having rules just for her, what she can or can't wear, what she can or can't do, who she can or can't spend time with (which often manifests in 'needing' to see her when you know she has plans with others) and you'll become very possessive.

 

An abuser has many traits though, it's never just one thing but you appear to have a few here already which really worries me - hence my questions above to fill in some gaps.

[mikeylo]

I completely agree with GemmaUK.

 

OP, you may not realize it, but you are abusing her emotionally. Once this pattern starts,there is hardly any going back rather it gets worse and your ex has probably realized it since she isn't taking you back this time around.

 

She knows the signs.Its not just the signs but since you say you have messed up before and she took you back, this one literally broke the camels back and she now knows everything about you that she should know , as a partner.

 

Her forgiveness and letting go is THE reason that you took it this far. Falsely accusing her of something she hasn't done is honestly a projection of yourself.Like a cheating partner , at the first instance of their partner doing something, believes that they are cheating. When in reality, they themselves are cheating. Its pretty common.

 

If anything, this proves to her, that she doesn't have your back and probably you yourself are a gold digger.

[Confusion2]

So I posted a couple of weeks ago about this intensely bad fight I had with a girl I had been dating. So, yesterday, after some texting we decided to call eachother and talk. This is the first time in two weeks we've spoken. It was over two weeks ago--to the point where we had blocked eachother.

 

Basically I had apologized for the fight (it was my fault) and told her that I am changed and How much she means to me etc. She was floored. She said she didn't know I felt that way and was shocked I was saying all this. She didn't really reciprocate any of it on the phone though. She just kept saying that she wants to set up a date to spend time together when I get back, and that she'd let me know when she gets her schedule what day she is available.

 

She also made clear to me that she's not seeing anyone, and etc. She oddly didn't make a big deal out of the fight, saying It's in the past and not in the future, but she said she was glad I called and said I'm sorry. She was shocked because I'm never the type to admit I'm wrong.

 

The whole non-chalantness of the whole thing worried me. I mean, two weeks ago she was crying over this fight and now she's back seemingly to being normal and wanting to hang out. What are your thoughts?

[act00]

Of course she's acting normal. It's what people do. Even when we don't necessarily want to do something, we put our best foot forward, we are positive, and we do it. We don't grumble or complain the whole time. She is behaving in a kind and polite manner, being encouraging, and she's giving you the chance to apologize and make amends.

 

You really pulled a zinger on her, and IIR, it's not the first time. You were completely out of line and you hurt her deeply. I suspect she is giving you another chance because she is still infatuated with that man she was first attracted to, not that guy that calls her names and insults and accuses her. She has built herself a wall and is willing to be mature and hear you out. Maybe she's doing this so she has some personal closure, or maybe she's doing this because she believes you can, will, and have made a change in yourself...two weeks, no you haven't changed, but hopefully you have enough understanding of your actions you can make that change and not stomp on her psyche during your growth.

 

She will be stand-offish and distant. She is going to want to protect herself, and you have no choice but to accept that and prove you have genuinely changed and eventually she will let her guard down again. Accept what she gives, and if the relationship is irreparably broken, you'll know soon enough.

[mikeylo]

She is resilient. Knows her self worth and is self aware and confident enough in herself that it's you , not her.

 

She picked herself up and is moving forward . Doesn't necessarily mean with you but on her own. She is a strong woman and probably not your cup of tea!

[Confusion2]

We'll see. She wants to meet up Sunday evening for dinner (which says to me "I'm not interested in dating you" since it's on a Sunday rather than a Friday or Saturday.)