I can't tell what's happening...

[Confusion2]

Do you believe in cool down periods or how long they should be?

 

Me and my girl have argued before, but the other night took the cake. Basically, I said some things that were extremely hurtful. I told her that she was a gold digger and maybe found someone with more money than me. She hadn't. It was an impulsive move. She's not speaking to me now, at all. Do I give her some time to cool down, or do I jump back in and try to apologize right away?

This really got to her core I can see. I never heard her so mad. Usually when we have fought in the past she would go silent for a few hours, but forgive pretty fast. It's been three days now and radio silence. I even told her I'm sorry but she didn't answer.

 

Cool down for some time or get in ASAP & talk?

[CoolJoe]

Ouch, that's a really hurtful thing to say. One of the biggest turn offs to women is petty insincerity. Nothing makes a woman run for the hills faster. You're in a tough spot because of your own actions.

 

It's really up to her at this point to forgive you, but I'm sorry to say for some girls this damage would be irreparable. I don't know her though, or the situation fully, so there's still a chance it all works out OK in the end.

 

In the future, please refrain from saying such hurtful things.

[Robratory]

What you have to do is stop this toxic roller-coaster of fighting and making up. Arguments should be negotiations on how to proceed, not occasions to impulsively vent your resentment and say things you can't take back.

 

At this point, all you can do is wait a couple of days and try again.

[Redhead14]

What you said, since it's not true, was totally all about hurting her and it's coming from somewhere. You need to evaluate what would cause you to do that -- why did that thought subject even come to mind? I mean, you could have said something else just as hurtful, but what was it that specifically?

 

I would leave her alone and let her come to you if she is going to. I wouldn't stick with a guy who had impulse control problems. Maybe you've only done this kind of thing once, but it was a big one and it would make me want protect myself from experiencing it again.

 

Arguments happen. It's not about the arguments though, it's how you argue that counts.

[Gaeta]

You have learn a great lesson: words are important and have an impact. You can make or break a relationship with words. Looks like you broke it. She had enough of your unjustified attacks and now she is gone. Leave her alone. Next time remember what comes out of your mouth can make a woman stop loving you.

[d0nnivain]

The cool down needs to come before you blurt out horrible mean things.

 

But post argument, the longer you let someone stew the deeper the resentment will be allowed to develop.

 

You need something more then words. I suggest the time honored cliché of apology flowers with a sincere handwritten note.

[Confusion2]

That's my instinct but my brother said I'm best off just waiting about a week before reaching out. At the same time, I think the longer I wait the more I harden her feelings. Such a quagmire.

[d0nnivain]

Your brother is giving you advice based on a power play analysis. He sees relationships as a zero sum game.

 

The sooner you apologize the better

[smackie9]

On the other side of the coin you used those words for a reason. Add your past history of many more blow ups before this, says she's making you act toxic. Maybe it's time to cut the cord.

[Confusion2]

Sadly it's not her I just have awful anger issues.

[d0nnivain]

Sadly it's not her I just have awful anger issues.

 

Then get some anger management counseling. That will go farther toward showing your EX that you are sincere in your contrition then even some flowers.

[Redhead14]

Sadly it's not her I just have awful anger issues.

 

Do her a favor and let her go. You need to get a handle on your anger issues in order to have a fulfilling relationship with anyone. You will find yourself rowing the boat you're in now over and over again with her and anyone else until you do.

[Popsicle]

Apologize ASAP!

 

I don't know if she'll take you back though.

[Confusion2]

This is so strange. Never thought something like that was such a big deal to say. I guess I'm just one who doesn't get affected by words. I just noticed she had followed some new guy on Instagram who was rich & single so I concluded she must want to be with him.

[d0nnivain]

There was a way to discuss your theory about the meaning of her following somebody on IG & but impulsively calling her a cheating gold digger wasn't a productive move. It's not just about the words but the tone & the timing too.

[kendahke]

That was really, really messed up.

 

Don't be surprised if you're now out of a relationship.

 

I wouldn't take you back after that.

[GorillaTheater]

Apologize now. Not because it will get her back, because your relationship with her is FUBAR after your rant, but because it's the right thing to do.

[kendahke]

This is so strange. Never thought something like that was such a big deal to say. I guess I'm just one who doesn't get affected by words. I just noticed she had followed some new guy on Instagram who was rich & single so I concluded she must want to be with him.

 

Oh dear God!

 

I follow Nusr Et on Instagram, but that doesn't mean I want to move to Turkiye and eat steak cooked on an open grill.

 

Words hurt and you meant for those words to hurt--otherwise, you wouldn't have said it. Actions have consequences. Being out of a relationship is the consequence of you not knowing when to engage the filter betwen your head and your mouth.

Edited August 23, 2017 by kendahke

[kendahke]

Do I give her some time to cool down,

 

And this question demonstrates that you don't grasp the seriousness of what you did.

 

You threw a bomb in her lap and basically want to know if she will get up and make you a sandwich.

[Redhead14]

This is so strange. Never thought something like that was such a big deal to say. I guess I'm just one who doesn't get affected by words. I just noticed she had followed some new guy on Instagram who was rich & single so I concluded she must want to be with him.

 

Making assumptions and delivering unsubstantiated, accusatory remarks based on nothing but a social media click wouldn't ring your bell?????

 

Don't be surprised if she actually reaches out to this guy in a more active way now . . . you reap what you sow.

[Popsicle]

This is so strange. Never thought something like that was such a big deal to say. I guess I'm just one who doesn't get affected by words. I just noticed she had followed some new guy on Instagram who was rich & single so I concluded she must want to be with him.

 

Is this your justification for being "sorry not sorry"?

[Confusion2]

There's no "JUSTIFICATION". The guy lived right near our area. The whole thing was just weird. Still don't know why she followed him. Didn't bring up the guy. Just sent her a text "I see you've found yourself a nice new rich man, so enjoy!" and that was her snapping point. We had a tense day anyway. She's in the past been forgiving.

[d0nnivain]

It was probably cumulative. She kept forgiving you but you kept snapping at her. She's had enough. There is some potential to fix this if you sincerely & demonstratively apologize and get anger management counseling.

[GemmaUK]

Sadly it's not her I just have awful anger issues.

 

This and insecurity is your issue.

It's YOUR ISSUE.

 

I've read the rest of the thread so know what you said and why.

 

My only question to you is when are you going to man up and take responsibility for yourself, your issues and your reactions to things?

 

No woman should have to tolerate your anger issues.

 

Don't contact her, leave her alone to find a decent man.

Don't date and get help for your issues or all you will do time and again is dump it all on the next woman you date and the next and the next.

 

Be proud of yourself for admitting you have anger issues - but life for you and those around you won't improve until you learn to control them.

[kendahke]

There's no "JUSTIFICATION". The guy lived right near our area. The whole thing was just weird. Still don't know why she followed him. Didn't bring up the guy. Just sent her a text "I see you've found yourself a nice new rich man, so enjoy!" and that was her snapping point. We had a tense day anyway. She's in the past been forgiving.

 

You don't know when to stop, do you? That text was childish and did more to strengthen her resolve to leave you alone.

 

Ever heard of the saying " the straw that broke the camel's back"?

 

Everyone has their saturation point and it looks like she's reached hers with you and your unchecked anger problem. You might want to go get that handled. No one with a healthy sense of themselves is going to tolerate that.