she_9325 Posted August 12, 2005 Posted August 12, 2005 i am new and tried posting this in the wrong section yesterday and got no responses so either it's a really stupid question or i should put it in the right (new) thread. been with my bf a year, things are great. but i can't seem to get over one thing he said when we first started out, which was, his ex was prettier than me. which is petty and unimportant compared to personality and attitude, i know.. but it still hurt. he has since claimed that when he said that back then it was because i was hard on myself (body image-wise) and that any compliment he would have given me, i wouldn't have believed. he says now, that he never even meant it in the first place, about his ex being prettier. as much as i'd like to believe that, i just don't know if i am being naive. i just want to be the most beautiful thing to him, so maybe guys can answer this too.. is it possible to think you want a certain body-type or "standard" just to find someone that maybe isn't up to that standard but is really wonderful in other ways to where you don't even look at other women that used to be your 'standard'? i wonder if i'm sad over nothing and just need to let it go. can anyone offer their opinions?
thegoodhubbie Posted August 12, 2005 Posted August 12, 2005 Originally posted by she_9325 i am new and tried posting this in the wrong section yesterday and got no responses so either it's a really stupid question or i should put it in the right (new) thread. Not a stupid question. he has since claimed that when he said that back then it was because i was hard on myself (body image-wise) and that any compliment he would have given me, i wouldn't have believed. If this is true, it seems a bit insensitive, even for a guy. My wife has terrible body image issues, and I would never tell her that now much less when I started dating her. Having said that, I had a girlfriend at one point that is prettier than my wife, from an objective standpoint; meaning on the outside, but this girl was the most grotesque of people on the inside. To me, my wife is the most beautiful woman that has ever, or will, exist, and I tell her that almost daily. Am I lying to her? Technically I guess you could say yes. IN REALITY, obviously, she is not the most beautiful woman on earth, but in fact, TO ME, she is a goddess he says now, that he never even meant it in the first place, about his ex being prettier. as much as i'd like to believe that, i just don't know if i am being naive. At this point, it is entirely possible he regrets telling you that, and maybe you are being naive, by believing it. But does it really matter? What you should be asking yourself is how does he treat me? Does he love you? If you have been together for a year you should be able to tell by now if it is just sexual or if he really cares for you. If you read some of the threads on this board you will probably be able to gague if it is love or not. Don't sweat it, dear. It's really not a big deal. That whole body type thing doesn't matter at all. Good luck.
Author she_9325 Posted August 12, 2005 Author Posted August 12, 2005 firstly i want to thank you for taking the time to write. secondly, in response: "I had a girlfriend at one point that is prettier than my wife, from an objective standpoint; meaning on the outside, but this girl was the most grotesque of people on the inside. To me, my wife is the most beautiful woman that has ever, or will, exist, and I tell her that almost daily. Am I lying to her? Technically I guess you could say yes. IN REALITY, obviously, she is not the most beautiful woman on earth, but in fact, TO ME, she is a goddess". this was the situation with his ex, to the "t". i can understand what you're saying completely. once, in a very literal explanation, he said she was about a 7 on a scale of 1-10 however he said if he were to factor in her personality..... she would be a negative 3........ "At this point, it is entirely possible he regrets telling you that, and maybe you are being naive, by believing it. But does it really matter? What you should be asking yourself is how does he treat me? Does he love you? If you have been together for a year you should be able to tell by now if it is just sexual or if he really cares for you. If you read some of the threads on this board you will probably be able to gague if it is love or not". yes, you're right... it doesn't matter actually. he does treat me extremely well. we have issues occasionally (like anyone else, i guess... ) actually the way you spoke about your wife up there, sounds a lot like how he treats me... gosh now i'm embarrassed lol.
Jolene Posted August 12, 2005 Posted August 12, 2005 When I first met my fiancé, he had framed photos of his ex around the house even though they broke up almost three years prior. I knew he must have really cared for this person, so I had to tread lightly when telling him it was time to take the photos down out of respect for me now. It was getting serious. I could tell they were happy together, and I was quite frank in telling him I thought she was not very attractive at all. His retort was that he was attracted to her. See where I am going with this? It's all a matter of perspective. Maybe your man's ex was a supermodel, but he couldn't get close to her because of her poor behaviour. You win, because you wear less makeup and he can get real snuggly with you. You will let him love you. Right???? Don't let your ego ruin a great relationship. Rule number 1 which I have learned to live by for survival with men.
Merin Posted August 12, 2005 Posted August 12, 2005 Nobody wants to be compared to thier SO's EX... The thing to keep in mind here is this... IF his EX was so great, she wouldn't be an EX AND IF you weren't Great, he wouldn't still be there I can honestly say that my BF becomes more attractive to me all of the time because of WHO he is not what he looks like...
JS17 Posted August 13, 2005 Posted August 13, 2005 looks don't really matter that much to most people (i think). what you are on the inside eventually has an impact on how your S.O. sees you on the outside, you will either grow to be beautiful or ugly dependant upon your personality. i know i was much prettier than my ex's ex-gf. but he used to talk about her like she was the greatest person on the face of the earth and it hurt so much. if i had to guess, a lot of your pain just comes from being compared to your S.O.'s ex rather than your looks. he wouldn't be with you if you weren't a wonderful person but i do have to question someone that would say "my ex was prettier than you". IMO, i would rather have someone who is beautiful on the inside than on the outside.
NYCmitch25 Posted August 13, 2005 Posted August 13, 2005 Originally posted by she_9325 i am new and tried posting this in the wrong section yesterday and got no responses so either it's a really stupid question or i should put it in the right (new) thread. been with my bf a year, things are great. but i can't seem to get over one thing he said when we first started out, which was, his ex was prettier than me. which is petty and unimportant compared to personality and attitude, i know.. but it still hurt. i just want to be the most beautiful thing to him, so maybe guys can answer this too.. is it possible to think you want a certain body-type or "standard" just to find someone that maybe isn't up to that standard but is really wonderful in other ways to where you don't even look at other women that used to be your 'standard'? i wonder if i'm sad over nothing and just need to let it go. can anyone offer their opinions? Hello! AND Welcome to the forums! Anyway, Do you think this is one of those ego things on your part where maybe your ego is a little bruised from a fairly harmless but rude comment? Also the ex probably isn't really "all that" -- I wonder what his motives were for saying it and perhaps it was a way for him to deal with his own insecurities more than it was about anything else. In short, I would really take it with a grain of salt esp. since love and relationships have the little to do with physical attraction and more to do with emotional connection. You seem to have an idealized picture of relationships where your bf has to think you are the most beautiful person in the world, but why, this shouldn't really matter. (and to be honest you aren't). You know, there could be a lot of different things going on here, however I feel that they all amount to something quite superficial .... and my humble advice is not to fret over it.
BeachQueen Posted August 13, 2005 Posted August 13, 2005 Am I the only one that thought his comment about his ex being prettier was pretty spiteful and more than a little mean? I don't understand why someone that cares about you would try to hurt you that way (even if he claims it was a joke). If he knows you're insecure, why would he compliment someone else (and put you down in the process)? That's like healing a burn by burning it some more. It makes no sense. I would take a step back from him for awhile and figure out if he's the person I really want to invest my time in.
NYCmitch25 Posted August 13, 2005 Posted August 13, 2005 Originally posted by BeachQueen Am I the only one that thought his comment about his ex being prettier was pretty spiteful and more than a little mean? I don't understand why someone that cares about you would try to hurt you that way (even if he claims it was a joke). If he knows you're insecure, why would he compliment someone else (and put you down in the process)? That's like healing a burn by burning it some more. It makes no sense. I would take a step back from him for awhile and figure out if he's the person I really want to invest my time in. So you find this comment *SO* offensive that you would practically terminate a relationship over it ? Also, you have *never * experienced this type of behavior in your own relationships or if so, have you ended them or made mountains out of it (all admit occationally reasonable)? I'll admit that it was particularlly hurtful but she needs to grow thicker skin to some degree, I mean really, everything that offends "you" doesn't constitute as a relationship ender (not that you are really saying that but you are close). Now if she stated that he was like this all the time then I would wonder why she is putting up with it but that doesn't seem to be the case. I stand by my comment, as long as it's an isolated event she should let it go. Thats one of the BEST rules to follow in marriage.
BeachQueen Posted August 13, 2005 Posted August 13, 2005 So you find this comment *SO* offensive that you would practically terminate a relationship over it ? Um, where did I say I'd terminate the relationship? I said I'd take a step back and re-evaluate my relationship if someone thinks it's ok to say hurtful things to me. Also, you have *never * experienced this type of behavior in your own relationships or if so, have you ended them or made mountains out of it (all admit occationally reasonable)? No. I'm lucky enough to say that I have never dated someone that put me down or told me that his ex was prettier than me. I mean really, everything that offends "you" doesn't constitute as a relationship ender (not that you are really saying that but you are close). I am? I stand by my comment. And I stand by mine. Nice to see we agree on something. As long as it's an isolated event she should let it go. Thats one of the BEST rules to follow in marriage. One of the best rules in marriage? Says who? And by the way, she isn't married (thank God). I agree that he's insensitive and I'm not saying that she should pack her things tonight and leave, but she should really think about his obvious attempt to hurt her. It's not as though he didn't mean to. He intentionally tried to cut her down. JMO.
NYCmitch25 Posted August 13, 2005 Posted August 13, 2005 Um, where did I say I'd terminate the relationship? I said I'd take a step back and re-evaluate my relationship if someone thinks it's ok to say hurtful things to me. OK, so what does "re-evaluate" mean to you? To me in the context to which you've used it, it seems to mean nothing more than to say "blow up over it" or "decide what the relationship means to you". This is aparently an empty gesture because you are stating to evaluate the relationship but if it you decide it's not a good relationship, don't terminate it? Moreover, since this assersion is predicated on only happened once, it's inheriently not a relationship ender anyway. To me that seems to really indicate that you are telling her to emotionally detach herself from this guy and make it a point to show her pain and so forth, basically the petty kind of stuff women have the tendency of doing (not htat us men are perfect either). Luckily my wife doesn't have the same point of view as you, she and I know that we both say things very mean and we don't take it too seriously (unless really warented). We also try to aplogize to each other even if we think that we were right. In this case, I don't even know if the guy thought it was very offensive and since it's not being repeated, I don't see the point in dwelling on it. I think you are assuming he was doing to hurt her and I don't remember any of that being really established. Also, if you read her other comments, she talks about how "she is supposed to be the most attractive thing to him" and honestly, thats an unobtainable notion.
BeachQueen Posted August 13, 2005 Posted August 13, 2005 OK, so what does "re-evaluate" mean to you? It means: 1. step back 2. think it over 3. get feedback from others 4. think some more. While his comments don't seem to bother you, they obviously bothered her enough to come to the forum and ask for advice, which everyone is giving her. To me in the context to which you've used it, it seems to mean nothing more than to say "blow up over it" or "decide what the relationship means to you". This is aparently an empty gesture because you are stating to evaluate the relationship but if it you decide it's not a good relationship, don't terminate it? If I meant "blow up over it" I would have said: Blow up over it. And yes, if I evaluate that it's not a good relationship, I will terminate it. It's up to her to decide if a man that is willing to put you down to "make a point" is worth it. To me that seems to really indicate that you are telling her to emotionally detach herself from this guy and make it a point to show her pain and so forth, basically the petty kind of stuff women have the tendency of doing (not htat us men are perfect either). I never said "show your pain." I said re-evaluate. Think it over. I never said she should stop caring for him. Petty? It's petty to question whether or not someone is a positive or negative part of your life? Luckily my wife doesn't have the same point of view as you Poor thing. She and I know that we both say things very mean and we don't take it too seriously (unless really warented). You say mean things to your wife (and vice versa)? For what purpose? Geez, I wish I had a relationship like that. We also try to aplogize to each other even if we think that we were right. Hmm, so I guess nothing is really resolved when you two disagree right? You just apologize, push it under the rug. Nice.
RecordProducer Posted August 13, 2005 Posted August 13, 2005 Okay, let's cut the consolation crap! She was prettier! That we determined. Will you survive the disaster? Why did he say that? He meant it. He realized he made a mistake, now he is trying to make it up to you. He loves you, right? Move on! He might be madly in love with you, but should he tell you that you look better than all the Hollywood stars together? Do you? Or is it hurtful because it's his ex? The truth is, you are comparing yourself to his ex, not him. The question is: does it hurt you that she is prettier or that he didn't say the correct answer - you're the most beautiful woman in the whole world?
NYCmitch25 Posted August 14, 2005 Posted August 14, 2005 Originally posted by BeachQueen It means: 1. step back 2. think it over 3. get feedback from others 4. think some more. While his comments don't seem to bother you, they obviously bothered her enough to come to the forum and ask for advice, which everyone is giving her. His comments don't have to bother me, but surely I can *empathize* with similar examples from my own life, right? Anyway, so your advice is to, I don't know, say start a thread and ask people what they think to better asses the situation? Isn't this the type of thing she is already doing? Your advice seems to have withered down to somthing similar to the IBM slogan "Think" ? She's given us the background information, now what action would you suggest for her to do? (yours seems to be incomplete) "You say mean things to your wife (and vice versa)? For what purpose? Geez, I wish I had a relationship like that. " Hmm, so I guess nothing is really resolved when you two disagree right? You just apologize, push it under the rug. Nice. OK, obviously the debate is automatically putting us on the defensive and I think you are throwing in a little "offense" here. ;-) Sorry, I don't mean to put you down or anything like that, I really understand your point of view. Anyway, So YES I say mean things to my wife, and she does to me, most people would find that to be perfectly common thing in marriages. Yes sometimes when your partner feels hurt/wronged, you *should* say that you are sorry and that you understand that it made them upset. You may disagree with their feelings, and telling them that is really telling them they don't have to right to have feelings, and never resolving the issue. Sometimes acknowledgement is the solution. Seriously, that is *great* advice, I highly suggest that people follow it. ;-)
NYCmitch25 Posted August 14, 2005 Posted August 14, 2005 Originally posted by RecordProducer The truth is, you are comparing yourself to his ex, not him. Wow, thats good!
Author she_9325 Posted August 15, 2005 Author Posted August 15, 2005 thanks u guys for all of your input. i must say he didn't mean it as a joke or to be mean, this i've always known.. i just always considered it a horribly thoughtless thing to say. but when it comes down to it, we've all (including me) let things slip out the mouth before the brain fully processes the thought. as far as an ego, i can see where you'd get that idea. but i really don't have one, i am not vain.. and i definetely don't care to be to "hollywood" standards with my body. @ recordproducer, i don't care about "correct answers" and he knows that. i understand your response but that's just not me, i don't demand things. if there's anything i make very clear in our relationship, it's for him to be himself and to tell me things even if he doesn't think i'll want to hear them. i am pretty chill normally. but yes that one issue bothered me from the start, simply because it hurt. "The truth is, you are comparing yourself to his ex, not him." I have to admit, this is probably quite true. @ jolene, i hear ya girl, thanks @ merin, excellent point.... @ js17, true too... very true... and i will admit, while i don't think at all that i have an ego.. i *was* petty for worrying about my physical appearances above *who* i am.... that is a hard thing to admit. @ mitch, ye.. i was being superficial about it. absolutely. i understand what beachqueen is saying. but also, i never really took it in a spiteful way.. he isn't a mean person. all other things considered, no... i wouldn't leave him or even consider it based on that one incident. you say "You seem to have an idealized picture of relationships where your bf has to think you are the most beautiful person in the world, but why, this shouldn't really matter. (and to be honest you aren't). honey trust me i know i'm not hahahaha... and i really don't care to be, i just want to be something that he will not get bored with is the best way that i can put it. i think a lot of it is, my own body image i suppose. i am 5-9 and a size 10/12 with a belly... she was 5-2 and a size 2... i could never be a size 2. i have some previous abandonment issues, where i have always been left for a prettier girl. so, i guess from that, baring it down to it's minimum.. i hope to be 'good enough'. which to say out loud or here in writing, is really hard because of how rediculous it sounds but that is it in it's honesty.
NYCmitch25 Posted August 18, 2005 Posted August 18, 2005 honey trust me i know i'm not hahahaha... and i really don't care to be, i just want to be something that he will not get bored with is the best way that i can put it. i think a lot of it is, my own body image i suppose. i am 5-9 and a size 10/12 with a belly... she was 5-2 and a size 2... i could never be a size 2. i have some previous abandonment issues, where i have always been left for a prettier girl. so, i guess from that, baring it down to it's minimum.. i hope to be 'good enough'. which to say out loud or here in writing, is really hard because of how rediculous it sounds but that is it in it's honesty. Thanks for responding, I notice a lot of people "post and run".. Anyway, I guess we all weren't sure what to make of a couple of your statements and I have to admit that I think that RecordProducer's comments were very good in summerizing what I was feeling and perhaps what you may have been feeling too. It's hard to get into peoples heads with such little information, we don't know if this guy obsesses over hollywood ideals or it's just an over blown issue. I don't remember you telling us your age but as I become more mature I learn that having a thicker skin is an important as anything else emotionally. (not that I'm all that old) :-P I'm glad to see you are happy with your size, it's probably dam sexy too!!! You know, it seems that only hollywood thinks that normal sizes doesn't stack up partly because I think party for the fact that the camera adds 15lbs + so actors/models "have" to be overly thin. Interestingly, men don't know it, but they are looking for (oddly enough), good child rearing hips (not tiny ones), and beauty (ie. pretty face) which is defined by diverse genes (at least some argue these points). For example, there are something like 15 or so types of faces (I dont remember the exact number) (i.e round + X, oval, oval +y, etc.) but they found taking the average of them all was most attrative to men. So very pretty people are actually quite average! I'm generalizing, there are a lot of coveots to that analogy. However, the point is normal fuller sized women can be just as much or even prettier. Also, I think something like 1 or of 5 guys like heavy women (not that I'm saying your size is heavy). Anyway, sorry for that tangent. ciao! good luck with everything.!
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