TooManyFeels Posted September 4, 2017 Posted September 4, 2017 I'm dating this guy (newly dating, just been on 3 dates) and we got on the subject of our past sexual experiences and he said he's had a threesome with 2 women before and I jokingly said, "You'd never share me with another man right?" and his response kind of hurt me, he said "Uh haha I'll think about it." couldn't tell if he was being sarcastic or not but I Immediately said "No! Haha you're supposed to say no!" and a few hours later I asked him again to make sure he wasn't serious, I said "You wouldn't really share me with another guy, right?" and he said, "I don't think so." Why isn't his answer a definitive no?? This has been bothering me a lot. Am I overreacting or does it speak about his feelings for me in that they aren't that deep? (please don't talk to me about trying out an open relationship, I'm not interested and I'm monogamous thanks)
Robratory Posted September 4, 2017 Posted September 4, 2017 I wouldn't think too much about it. He wasn't serious. Besides, you shouldn't gauge how interested a man is by how possessive he is over you. Let your budding relationship develop and see how it goes. 1
alphamale Posted September 4, 2017 Posted September 4, 2017 Am I overreacting ... you're overreacting 1
shellybing Posted September 4, 2017 Posted September 4, 2017 It sounds to me like it was joking. But it if is upsetting you could ask him not to make jokes about things that you think are serious. But i don't think he was serious.
elaine567 Posted September 4, 2017 Posted September 4, 2017 I'm dating this guy (newly dating, just been on 3 dates) and we got on the subject of our past sexual experiences and he said he's had a threesome with 2 women before and I jokingly said, "You'd never share me with another man right?" and his response kind of hurt me, he said "Uh haha I'll think about it." couldn't tell if he was being sarcastic or not but I Immediately said "No! Haha you're supposed to say no!" and a few hours later I asked him again to make sure he wasn't serious, I said "You wouldn't really share me with another guy, right?" and he said, "I don't think so." Why isn't his answer a definitive no?? This has been bothering me a lot. Am I overreacting or does it speak about his feelings for me in that they aren't that deep? (please don't talk to me about trying out an open relationship, I'm not interested and I'm monogamous thanks) You have been on 3 dates and he is bringing up threesomes as that is I guess something he is interested in, so I am not sure why you want him to say that he will never "share" you. YOU may have a monogamous POV, but he obviously doesn't, so you are basically incompatible. This not about whether his feelings are deep (though I doubt that after only 3 dates) or not, but just that he has a different way of viewing sex, so you need to walk away rather than try to force him to say something he doesn't really mean. Yes, you can continue to date, with him thinking he can "convert" you, and you thinking you are NEVER going to be in a threesome and he just needs to get over it, but eventually it will all come to a head and go pear-shaped as you are fundamentally sexually incompatible. YOU need to find a man who thinks threesomes are a no-go, and he needs to find a woman who is happy to indulge in threesomes. 2
alphamale Posted September 4, 2017 Posted September 4, 2017 YOU need to find a man who thinks threesomes are a no-go, good luck with that sister 3
act00 Posted September 4, 2017 Posted September 4, 2017 I'm assuming that as a guy, he'd be happy with a threesome with two women, and not so much willing to participate in one with two guys, so the issue of "sharing," is probably a non-issue in his mind, as it's not going to happen. I have to agree, if he's bringing up threesomes into date three, he's putting out there his sexual preferences, and I question your compatibility. You should probably clarify if this is something he wants to continuously participate in, or if it was "one of those things that happened." This is a slippery slope. I honestly don't even want to know details of a guy's past, so I simply don't bring it up, and I learned this by getting all hurt and jealous in my youth because I did ask. I don't want to share either a lot of detail either. However, if the guy is into things outside of "normal," (or girl) obviously it needs to be discussed and discussion about likes and preferences is fine. I don't know how this topic came up, but don't ask if you don't want to know and develop a thick skin and accept whatever truth comes out when you do ask and you do want to know. Don't turn this into anything more than it is. You barely know each other, but the reality is, should this relationship progress, he's not going to want to "share" you unless this is his "thing."
stillafool Posted September 4, 2017 Posted September 4, 2017 What difference does it make if he meant it or not? You are the one in charge of your body so you already know you would never have a threesome with him and another guy. Don't let it bother you as he has no power to make you do what you don't want to do. 1
Author TooManyFeels Posted September 4, 2017 Author Posted September 4, 2017 Thanks guys, he actually did clarify in the conversation that when he IS in a relationship he's monogamous. This topic of threesomes only came up because I asked him about his wildest sexual experience. I'm fine that he had a 3some in the past, that's not an issue, I was just concerned that he didn't immediately say no when I asked him about sharing me with a guy - I was trying to poke fun at the fact of jealousy (ok maybe trying to make him a teeny bit jealous?) and when he didn't reply the way I had hoped, it worried me.
Miss Spider Posted September 4, 2017 Posted September 4, 2017 I have never heard of a situation where a guy alluded to being cool with double teaming a girl at the beginning stage of dating that ended well. But I am still kind of young. 4
smackie9 Posted September 4, 2017 Posted September 4, 2017 Who was the one that initiated the question?
Ruby Slippers Posted September 4, 2017 Posted September 4, 2017 I was just concerned that he didn't immediately say no when I asked him about sharing me with a guy - I was trying to poke fun at the fact of jealousy (ok maybe trying to make him a teeny bit jealous?) and when he didn't reply the way I had hoped, it worried me. I think men are getting bolder in expressing their honest desires. I dated a guy not long ago who was open and honest from the get-go about the fact that he'd had threesomes before and hopes to have them again someday. This guy has no trouble getting women, so I think he's more confident and outspoken about his true desires than men who aren't so good with the ladies. The feeling of worry that came up for you is telling you something. I don't think it means he doesn't have feelings for you - just that he's being honest about his desires, desires that would likely be there with any woman. Of course, in a woman's dream life, her man wants her and only her. But for most couples, this is simply not the reality. Most women aren't going to be able to handle their man being with other women, but somehow I feel like it's a good thing that men are being more honest about what they really want. It's so much better to try to find workable solutions than to lie and sneak around. 1
TunaCat Posted September 4, 2017 Posted September 4, 2017 It was a joke, so yes you are overreacting.
Mike B. Posted September 4, 2017 Posted September 4, 2017 I agree that you are overreacting. Not all men will be sophisticated in their responses to such questions. I know from experience that I have to say " I could never share you with another person." Did I know to say that in my 20s or early 30s? No, I didn't.
spiderowl Posted September 5, 2017 Posted September 5, 2017 I don't think any guy would ever rule that out; it is probably a common male fantasy. However, I think it is up to you to make it absolutely clear to him that you will never consider it and he should not think it is an option with you. See if he accepts these 'terms and conditions'. If he does, I would not worry about it any more.
kendahke Posted September 5, 2017 Posted September 5, 2017 Why isn't his answer a definitive no?? This has been bothering me a lot. Am I overreacting or does it speak about his feelings for me in that they aren't that deep? I think you're overreacting. You've been on 3 dates and he probably is still making up his mind whether or not he wants to give a relationship with you a serious go, but you are hitting him up as if that's a foregone conclusion.
Gaeta Posted September 5, 2017 Posted September 5, 2017 Thanks guys, he actually did clarify in the conversation that when he IS in a relationship he's monogamous. This topic of threesomes only came up because I asked him about his wildest sexual experience. I'm fine that he had a 3some in the past, that's not an issue, I was just concerned that he didn't immediately say no when I asked him about sharing me with a guy - I was trying to poke fun at the fact of jealousy (ok maybe trying to make him a teeny bit jealous?) and when he didn't reply the way I had hoped, it worried me. Here is how you should handle it next time. Scenario #1 Him: I had a 3some with 2 other women You: Oh is that something you like to do while in a relationship? Him: No, that was just fun on the side when I was single You: Sounds great Scenario#2 Him: I had a 3some with 2 other women You: Oh is that something you like to do while in a relationship? Him: Yes, I need a partner that is open minded about these things You: Sounds great but unfortunately I am seeking a monogamous relationship, good luck with everything though. Trying to 'poke fun' at him the way you did was immature. It did not picture you as an independent strong woman that knows what she wants but as someone playing controlling little mind games and who thinks she already has a foot in the door after 3 dates only.
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