revised: need insight into what happened

[CVT777]

Ok I need someone to decipher what happened. You may not be able to give me an answer but this was really weird.

 

So I have been hanging out with this guy off and on for 4 months, I've met his friends a few times and we have a similar social circle. We had a fun time one day last week he was so sweet he was saying stuff like, why was I so nice to him. He said he was sorry for things he has done to me in the past. He said I'm beautiful and he was holding my hand and just being really kind. It was nice, we made breakfast the next day together then he left that afternoon.

 

I didn't call him and he didn't call me for 4 days after that. I was hoping he would call or text or initiate something since we had such a good time together. I didn't want to call or text him first because he doesn't really put in an effort and I don't want to always put in the effort.

 

Then he calls me around 12 A.M. to pick him up from the bar and talk because he had a bad day at work. So I did pick him up because he has a drinking problem and I wanted to make sure he was ok. When I got there I called him on the phone to come outside but his friend came to the car and asked me to come in for a minute and said to the guy I like let's call him Tom... he said, Tom she can come in you don't have to leave right away.

 

So I went inside. Tom went to the bathroom, his friend I'll call him Sam bought me a drink and asked me how was breakfast the other day. I said it was good. He said Tom told me he made you breakfast I said we made it together he then said did Tom tell you he called me when he was there at your house? I said no. He said I told him to get out of there, but when I told my wife she said it was cute that you guys were making breakfast.

 

I Didn't know what he meant by saying he told him to leave so I just said ok. Then we went outside to the closed in patio to sit down Tom was still in the bathroom and things got even weirder. Sam then asked me what I was doing earlier before I came to the bar, I said I was at a BBQ at my aunts, I explained that my great uncle was in town and I was visiting my family he said so is that your uncle I said no it's my aunt and dads uncle so he's my great uncle he said I don't believe you. I said ya because I just randomly make things up for fun.

 

He then asked if I was sitting around waiting for Tom to call me I said no he said well I'm going to pretend like you were. He was being so rude he has never been like that to me before. Then Tom came outside he seemed uncomfortable.

 

Sam was continually making these snide comments and sarcasms he asked me if Tom and I have had sex in the back of my car of course I said NO. he then asked me to come to this football draft party he was having at his house he said I could drink wine with his wife and her friends because the men get vulgur.

 

He then said I should come inside while I'm there and take a dump on Toms computer. I was like WTF is going on. He left and Toms other friend was asking me some questions about what music I like. He left shortly after but he said before he left "Tom is a good guy he really is." I told him I agree and he left.

 

Then Tom and I left we went to get food from the store to make burgers at my house. As we were walking into my home he said I'm sorry for my friends. I said were they being mean? He said no I said ok it's fine.

 

I felt so weird about the whole thing I just ignored it. I couldn't understand if it was just drunk talk from Sam or if Tom had been talking about me and they were giving me a hard time. I thought maybe they were trying to give me a hint that Tom doesn't want me as his girlfriend by saying those rude things but why would he call me out of the blue 4 days later to have his friends treat me bad.

 

I have more details of other things Sam said to me but they were just rude comments. If someone can decipher this stuff please do. I'm lost on why this guy was acting so harsh.

 

I know Tom has major trust issues and he sometimes seems like he thinks I'm going to hurt him but he can be very closed off sometimes and guarded so I'm not sure if he likes me or not. He also does have a drinking problem and often acts 2 different ways sober vs drunk.

Edited September 4, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
paragraphs~T

[basil67]

Were his friends being drunk and obnoxious? What are they like when they are sober?

 

At any rate, it doesn't sound like Tom sees you as a girlfriend so perhaps you'd be better off leaving all of them in your past.

Edited September 4, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[GemmaUK]

Sam is obnoxious.

 

Tom has a drink problem. A good reason for a start not to get involved with someone.

Tom also said he apologised for how he'd treated you in the past - what happened in the past?

If he was mean to you previously why are you interested in even being friends with him let alone seemingly wanting to date him?

[Miss Spider]

I can see your concern. If a guy I was seeing drunk friends were talking to me that way it would make me very uncomfortable to say the least. It appears he's telling his boys what he's been doing with you. That right there should be enough to say "bye Felipe". Also if a guy has to apologize for treating you bad after four months of messing around then that right there says a lot. You deserve better treatment than this.

Edited September 4, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[CVT777]

Yes I agree with what everyone says if he is not treating me right and if his friends can be disrespectful and he doesn't say anything he clearly only sees me as a temporary hookup not a respected potential girlfriend. I sent him a text the next day after that incident letting him know that I couldn't continue with the way things were going and that if he is not looking to respect me and move forward and put in effort then I had to move on. He never responded so there is the real answer he never cared but I'm glad because I stood up for myself and showed him I'm worth more and I won't settle for less.

Edited September 4, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[act00]

Tom has a drinking problem and can be a completely different person, and sounds mean when drinking, and you're wondering what to do? Don't have a relationship with him is what you do. This is not something that's going to go away until he decides he has a problem, and even then, it's not an easy path.

 

I think you got a taste of some ugly reality. One issue is Sam didn't want Tom to leave the bar that night and was actually coming across as quite threatened by you destroying the status quo. He also sounds like he was quite a mean drunk. Tom didn't seem to take any issue with his behavior and you sat there and took it instead of getting up and leaving, and leaving Tom there as well.

 

You state Tom can be two completely different personalities when sober or drunk, and now look at who Tom's friends are and Sam's vulgar and cruel behavior. Is this really what you want?

 

A guy who wants you also isn't going to wait days and then call drunk when he decides he wants a booty call, and you already feel like you're the one making this relationship happen, he just complacently complies when you reach out. Not a good sign. I can't decipher what was meant by telling him to leave when you were making breakfast, but honestly, just his level of cruelty makes me think he's not happy about this new set of circumstances and that Tom might choose you over drinking with the guys, and there goes Sam's social life. Something about you and Tom is setting him off, but Tom sounds like a disaster area and you're not going to fix him. It's just not a good start.

[CVT777]

Thank you Act 00 you are completely correct in everything you have stated. I gave him another chance because it seemed like he was changing. He was actually showing interest. He was acting as if he wanted to get to know me and have more than a surface level relationship but he would then back away like he was scared. It was all too much drama for me and with him letting his friend treat me that way and then him not wanting to put more effort into it I had to give up. It not healthy and it wasn't the kind of relationship I was looking for even though I cared for him.