Houseworksuks Posted September 4, 2017 Posted September 4, 2017 Hi, Im hoping for some opinions please as i'm a bit confused I broke up with my husband at the start of the year but am having a terrible time getting him to understand this and to leave me alone. He is a VERY threatening man and i was told by a few male friends after the break up that i would struggle to meet another man in this town as no body would go near me because they did not want hassle from my ex etc. Under no circumstances have i led him on - i have and continue to make it very clear that i have moved on. I have my own house and am living life away from him. Anyway, rambling on, a few months ago i met someone and was instantly interested in him. Had been asked out by a few guys from outwith my town but turned them down as i wasnt remotely attracted to them but with this man, lets call him A, i instantly connected with him. He knows my ex as his father is friendly with him (ex is older than me) and he didn't seem bothered by who my ex was. We kept things very very low key, only a few mutual friends knew about us. He seemed really into me and i was the same with him. Our mutual friends were telling me he has never felt like this before etc, then last week he suddenly blocked me from all means of contacting him. I have no idea why as the night before we were getting on great. I was at a friends last night and his close friend was also there so naturally we got to talking and he said that A is hurting and is refusing to communicate with me until i have cut all ties with my ex husband. Which i feel i have done - i have no contact with my ex unless absolutely necessary (to arrange access to kids etc). He turns up at my house drunk and is abusive as i wont let him in my house (EVER), i have sent him a solicitors letter to stay away from me and only contact via text to discuss kids etc. I will not go to the police, as a personal choice. BUT i have no idea what else to do to show A that i have cut ties and moved on from my ex, or is A just using this as an excuse to break up with me?
spiderowl Posted September 4, 2017 Posted September 4, 2017 (edited) A is being extremely childish and manipulative. To cut you off like that with no explanation defies understanding. What you have done to get your husband out of your life seems perfectly reasonable. You should not have to 'prove' anything to your new guy. The only thing that occurs to me is that the new guy is afraid of your ex - in which case he will be unhappy that you have not contacted the police to keep him from your door and your new guy. He could have said this to you though rather than cutting you off. How has the new guy been treating you? His behaviour sounds angry. If he was hurting, he should have said something to you. If you have children, he cannot expect your husband to be entirely out of your life because you have children in common. I guess you are used to your husband being overbearing. Do not allow this new guy to coerce you too. I am sure you could get a message to him via your friend that you have minimised contact with your ex and that you would not expect your new guy to be so hurtful as to cut you off without explanation. Say you are willing to talk to him if he wants to discuss it, then leave it with him. If he cannot bring himself to talk to you like an adult, then think about what you are doing with this guy. It is not up to you to be his nursemaid. Having said the above, you cannot expect the new guy to put up with your ex suddenly turning up on your doorstep. He is bound to feel very threatened by this. All the same, he should have told you how he felt. Edited September 4, 2017 by spiderowl
Author Houseworksuks Posted September 4, 2017 Author Posted September 4, 2017 Thanks Spiderowl, i appreciate the reply. This is the 1st time in almost 12 years i have been single so i don't know if i am over thinking things. When A and i were together i thought he was lovely, very funny and kind. He was very complimentary to me, the days we didn't see each other he would text saying he thought i was beautiful etc (probably a line in retrospect) but it was nice to hear after years of being put down in my marriage so i stupidly seem to have swallowed it up. I think A may have had an issue with my ex - financially speaking - as he made a few comments about how he didn't have the income my ex had etc but i even told him that money means nothing in the grand scheme of things, and that while i do receive a payment every month from my ex, its for our children, not a gift to me!!! BUT i am not going to say to my ex 'Hey its ok, just cancel that payment as the boys don't actually need clothes or food this month' which i suspect is what A maybe expected in order to show i had cut ties with him. I did say to his friend at the weekend that even if i did manage to get my ex to stop pestering me that i would not look at A the same way again after this. Still hurts though and feel i have been cheated out of an explanation.
basil67 Posted September 4, 2017 Posted September 4, 2017 I wonder if your ex is intimidating A. It could be that A feels that he needs to put his own safety first. Not an unreasonable thing to do.
Author Houseworksuks Posted September 4, 2017 Author Posted September 4, 2017 Hi Basil67, Thanks for the response. My ex knows nothing about A - i know for a fact he is unaware. My ex was very abusive and even now still seems to think that marriage = ownership, so if he did know i think i would have been physically attacked by now.
basil67 Posted September 4, 2017 Posted September 4, 2017 Hi Basil67, Thanks for the response. My ex knows nothing about A - i know for a fact he is unaware. My ex was very abusive and even now still seems to think that marriage = ownership, so if he did know i think i would have been physically attacked by now. So if your ex finds out, you will be in danger. That's a very good reason for A to have left too. Can you move away and make a new start?
act00 Posted September 4, 2017 Posted September 4, 2017 What is going on that A doesn't think you've cut your ex out to the best of your ability? You have children together, so it's never going to be 100%. Do you talk about and complain about the ex a lot? Is the ex still harassing you quite regularly? There really shouldn't be a lot of discussion about the ex outside of largely in passing when the topic comes up around the kids or some past event of which the ex was involved (as with any friends/family/exes). As a couple, there will be ex discussions, but this shouldn't be a topic that dominates. I have heard it said by men that if a woman talks about her ex a lot, the relationship hasn't fully severed. I, personally, would be wary of a man who constantly talked about his ex beyond the typical scope of the kids, and not so much because I fear he's not over her (a possibility) but because I simply don't need the drama. Of course, there's going to be some complaining once in awhile, but again, this should not be the dominating conversation. Of course, this is assuming the ex isn't still harassing you, and if he is, obviously this is going to cause a problem. His dad is friendly with the ex, so there's another layer of overlap. The town is small enough, you've been warned it will be difficult to date, so I suspect the ex comes up a lot more than just with you, but who knows. To completely block you out of any way of communicating with no explanation is a pretty immature move. You had to hear it through the grapevine, and there's no way to know if this is truly the reason or if there have been some repercussions to his involvement with you or if he simply decided to break up, so he's ghosting. Something is making him believe you haven't cut out your ex as much as possible if what your friend told you is true. You're not even a year outside of a marriage with a violent man, and you met A "a few months ago," so you were officially divorced for 4-6 months or so when you got involved with A? There is a lot of overlap of people in your lives, and maybe this is just a cue for you to take some more time before attempting to date again. I don't know what's going on with A and if this is just an excuse or not, but his behavior is not that of a man who respects and cares for you, and of course I wonder about the overlap of your and your ex's lives beyond the children and if there isn't some backlash. The idea that you or the children could be in physical danger, let alone himself and his job/family, is a pretty could reason to sever the relationship as well. At this point, maybe you can catch some reasons why through mutual friends about what "you did", if A doesn't reach out to you, so that you can determine if you were doing something to trigger this, or if A is just completely unreasonable or felt the relationship wasn't working. For A to tell people you're still too involved with the ex sounds better than, "I just decided to quit and blew her off." Since you're also having to think of the children and a father figure, it's best to know A's character sooner over later, and being so fresh out of an abusive marriage, you might not recognize a bad relationship or abusive character, so this might not be a bad thing for him to just drop off the planet like that and you can focus on you and your family...consider moving if feasible. Your ex's violent streak is not going to make this easy.
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