Worst Weekend of My Life. Can I get her back?

[Skunk]

Hello everybody,

 

I just made an account to seek advice because I am feeling absolutely crushed right now. My gf of 3.5 years that I loved like no other woman (I wanted to grow old with her) left me on Friday and I can't help but feel like it is my fault. Please bare with me here if this ends up becoming a long winded post. I need to at least write something to help me think.

 

I am a 32 year old photo retoucher / and she is a 33 year old in education. We met when both of us were in really low times, but we hit it off in an amazing way, took it slow (I didn't even make a move on her until the 5th date and she appreciated that I took it slow), and we helped get each other out of the holes we were in.

 

We shared almost every interest, we enjoyed experimenting with each other's interests that we didn't share, our humor together matched so well, and we had many of the same outlooks on life as well as ideas on the future. We were always out and about on the weekends, and when we weren't, I would help her grade her homework (teachers are seriously overworked). I got along great with her family and they basically felt like I was a part of their family.

 

After about a year, we moved in together in an apartment. Living with her was absolutely amazing. We had the same ideals as far as what makes a home and so it was so comfortable to live with her. It was tough financially because rent is so damn high here in the bay area, and after our year lease was up we agreed that she should move back in with her parents so that she could pay for her credentialling program (so that she could eventually shift from being a teacher into getting a vice principal position), while I moved back to renting a room with a couple of other roommates.

 

But let me get into an issue that we have always had: I struggle to put my thoughts into words. It's not that I'm shy or afraid to talk. There are some days I can talk my head off (heck, we talked for four hours on our first date and barely ate the food on our plate), but there are some days where it's like a jigsaw puzzle for me to spit out just a few sentences. Often there were times where she wanted to go out out to dinner and have some deep, meaningful conversations with me, but when I tried to talk it felt like I was a deer caught in the headlights and have gone mute. For me it was torture, because not only did I want to tell her what was on my mind, but I could also see the disappointment in her face whenever this occured. I always felt cursed with this.

 

It was around the 2.5 year mark that things started to change though. She began to get incredibly busy due to both teaching and taking her credentialing classes, and I could see she was craving more out of me because our time together became lessened due to all the work. She wanted more personal connection when we were together, but at the same time she was so overwhelmed by work and wanted to slow things down on the weekends. It seemed like things were starting to get repetitive. We started to only eat at the same old restaurants, or we would spend the weekend working on her stuff (me grading her homework while she studied for her credential), or she would just spend the weekends laying around in bed doing nothing. We rarely did some fun weekend activities during this time. Meanwhile, I was even starting to suffer from depression off and on due to my career, and I was starting to develop lack of focus, laziness, etc. Even though I pushed my own goals aside, I still tried to help her with her goals. I kept pushing her to make it through this year to get her credential, and without my help she would have never gotten it.

 

The school year ended a couple months ago, she got her credential, and she immediately took off for a couple overseas trips chaparroning kids over the span of a month and a half. This is where it felt like there was a drastic, noticeable shift in our relationship in my eyes.

 

During this time, she gradually became more distant from me - even when she was back home during the intermission between trips. Despite my effort to communicate with her, she put little effort into replying back to me or hanging out with me.

 

Then a great thing happened when she got back from her second trip: her school immediatley offered her a vice principal position without her applying for it. She was so happy and so was I, because we both worked so hard all year long making sure she could get an opportunity like this. But we went out for a fancy dinner to celebrate and things immediately didn't feel right again. She went to hang out with friends beforehand and filled up on tacos.. so here we are at a great, expensive restaurant that I took her out to... and all she's eating is a soup because she was too full from tacos. I'm trying to put in so much effort to have a meaningful conversation with her during dinner and half the time she ignores me to look at the vice principal emails blowing up her phone, or staring off into space with a thousand yard stare. I felt like crap.

 

So she was back for a week, we had a pathetic celebration dinner, then I left on my own two-week vacation up in Oregon. She told me to call her every day and send her pictures, which I did, but she only answered the phone once (and seemed distant), and barely replied to my texts to her.

 

I return from my vacation, and another week goes by where she puts little effort into wanting to see me or talk to me. By this point she is actually working in her new role as vice principal so she barely has any free time and I could understand not having much room to hang out - but still, that is no excuse to not be able to talk to me or mind me visiting for a few minutes to say hi.

 

I leave for the weekend to go on a camping trip with my dad for his birthday, then I get back for the longest week of my life (this past week).

 

I visit her house after work on Tuesday and she acts uncomfortable and asks what I am doing there. I was taken aback by that because I was always welcomed, but she does let me in. The tone of her voice was off. I ask what's wrong, get close, and try to put my arms around her for comfort, but she shrinks away asking why I'm touching her. She said nothing was wrong at first, but she was lying to me. I continued to ask her and she eventually said she would tell me Friday night. This scared the hell out of me. I urged her to tell me, that she can trust me, that she should't feel the need to hide her feelings from me, but she refused and continues to act like everything is alright. Now I'm really scared. Then she proceeds to ask random small talk question to me: How was camping? How was work? How does so and so know this person? This whole time I'm awkwardly answering these questions because I am all weirded out by her own awkwardness. She was acting happy, and yet distant at the same time. Like she had made a decision about something and emotionally ready to tell me on Friday. Then she urges me to leave because she is tired and needs some space for the rest of the week (even though I know she'd be staying up for a couple more hours watching youtube or netflix). As I was leaving, I told her that I loved her. She didn't say it back. She just said "bye".

 

I knew what was coming, because her "I love you"s had been weakening since she left for her trips. She was going to end it all Friday night.

 

I was having a panick attack the whole drive home. We were barely together during these past two months, and yet she needed "space" from me. I should've known during this whole time that she was giving a lot of thought towards ending it. But I was too late to notice it. I could barely sleep.

 

It was hard to focus at work on Wendesday. When I got home, I made the mistake of calling her to beg her to tell me what was wrong, but she refused, told me everything is great, and to wait until Friday night. I could barely sleep again.

 

Thursday morning I made another mistake by leaving a note and flowers on her car. Of course she never contacted me about them. Again, I couldn't focus at work. I left work early to pace at home and curl up in bed. I was scared... and I could barely sleep again.

 

Then Friday morning came. I woke up from what felt like a 3.5 year dream into a world of nightmares. I opened my eyes and cried unrelentlessly. I felt so scared, so vulnerable, so angry at the world. I couldn't go into work.

 

I felt angry at her. I felt betrayed. I put so much energy into her and her family. I put so much energy into the idea of a future together. I put so much energy into getting her that credential, and now that she got the job she was throwing me away like I was nothing but a discarded tool. I felt taken advantaged of. I was so hurt from so many angles.

 

I called her when she was on her way to work. No reply. So I blew up on her over text telling her about what I mentioned above, and about how worried I was of losing her. I could only hope that she would reply back with love. But inside I already knew I lost her.

 

She didn't reply back until around dinner time, again replying that we needed to talk that night somewhere private. But I couldn't handle it any longer. I begged her over text to tell me if she still loved me or not.

 

She replied that she cared deeply for me but that our relationship had no chance to develop, that she had felt that way for over a year, and that she needed space. She wanted to meet and talk to me about it.

 

I couldn't handle it. Minutes after sobbing, I made the brash decision to tell her there was nothing to talk about, that I was a fool to love her, and that I would leave her belongings on her doorstep Tuesday morning.

 

I have the home to myself this weekend, and so I have been going insane with emotions and thoughts. I threw out everything that reminded me of her and deleted everything on my phone and computer than pertained to her. I couldn't understand how she could view that our relationship had no chance to develop. We had been through so much together, pushed each other past so many struggles, we were so close, so similar and yet had enough differences to balance out our weaknesses.

 

Well, all but one weakness. Me. My weakness in communication and my degression over the past year and half. Plus there were some times that I should have giving her some space because I could tell that she needed it.

 

Yesterday I reflected on things and I think I realized how I ****ed up in the relationship and I also realized how overwhelmed she had been over this past year and half. I sent her an email last night to say sorry and tried to end it the right way. This is what I wrote:

 

--------

 

Dear XXX,

 

I hope this finds you well. I am writing this with the aim to start the healing process for myself and to ask for your forgiveness for all the times that I didn't listen to you and for all the times that I hurt you. I'm so sorry and regretful that I shut you down yesterday. I wish I could take back what I said and hear what you wanted to say to me, but at the time I felt so scared, so vulnerable, and so angry at the world. That morning felt like I was waking up from a dream into a world of nightmares. It still does feel that way, but I don't hate you and you've never done anything I couldn't forgive. I understand that you still care for me and I can't blame you for leaving me.

 

I had the woman of my dreams in my grasp, but I ****ed it all up due to my internal struggle to communicate, my depression, my loss of drive, and the development of some bad habits and attitudes. You were distant because I have been distant to you too much this past year. I not only neglected your needs, but I also neglected my own. I understand that my own struggles have brought you down. You have arrived at a turning point in your life where you should not be with someone with a state of mind like the one I developed during this last half of our relationship. At the end of the day, you need to do what's best for you, because love is not only affection, honesty, and devotion to those you care about, but also the need to give affection, honesty and devotion to yourself.

 

I truly hope that someday we can reconnect and spark something again, but I cannot allow that to happen until I become a better version of myself, and neither should you. I need to delve deep and refind myself, becoming not only the man that I used to be, but something more. I allowed myself to be distracted from my goals, and it needs to stop. I hate that it had to come to this for me to wake the hell up, but things happen for a reason. I'm sure you desire to focus entirely on yourself and your new position for a while as well.

 

Please send my love and gratitude to your family. They are amazing people and have done so much to help me. Your family always felt like my family. Most of all, thank you. You've made me realize things about myself that no other person would have been able to. You've made things happen for me that I am beyond grateful for, and I hope you realize that I did the same for you. You carry a light inside you that I envy and cherish, and that has brought me so much happiness despite my struggles. You have been a candle in the dark for me. You and your family will always be in my heart.

 

Koalas are stubborn creatures, but please remember to stay happy, stay focused, and don't let your new job beat you down. I go so far as to pray that one day we can give each other another chance to develop a stronger relationship, but I honestly wish you find what you're looking for, even if it never becomes me again, because you deserve the very best that the world has to offer.

 

With Every Inch Of My Heart,

XXX

 

------

 

She quickly replied back:

 

------

 

Hey XXX,

 

Thank you for always being thoughtful and kind. Those are the two things I admire and appreciate about you the most, don’t ever lose that. We all have internal struggles that we are working through and I feel you came into my life when I hit one of the lowest points in my life. I know you don’t believe in this stuff and might laugh, but I do. I feel the relationship we had happened at the right moment in our lives, when we needed each other to push past our struggles together, without feeling alone. I will always be grateful for the moral support you gave me. And XXX, I don’t hate you. I care deeply about you and want the best for you and know that you will make amazing things happen. You are a gifted artist and I truly feel you are on the right path. I also want you to know that my family thinks highly of you and considers you family. Likewise, I care about your family and feel blessed that I had an opportunity to feel what a loving extended family would be like (I didn’t grow up with a lot of family members, most of my childhood it was only my mother, sister and brother). Right now, we need space. But in the future, if you ever are in need, reach out.

 

With much admiration and respect,

 

XXX

 

-----

 

I made a lot of mistakes during this past year, especially during this break-up process. I'm not sure if the email I wrote was the smart or correct way to approach it, but it's what my heart told me to do.

 

What bugs me is that I can't figure out her reply back. I was hoping she would give me more words than what she did in her reply back. I know that we can just be friends in the future - I knew that as she left me - but I can't judge from her email whether there is a chance to get back with her or not.

 

I will follow through with going no contact on her and to give her space. It is true that she has her hands full with her new job. I will follow through on improving upon myself. But I was serious with hoping to get back with her eventually.

 

I was thinking of trying to reconnect with her in about 6-8 months. I am hoping this would allow enough time for me to get back on track and improve my communication skills, and enough time for her to tackle her job and reflect upon us. Does anybody think I could have a chance with my ex again?

 

By the time I would try to reconnect with her, I would of course get back into the dating game with other women too. I'm not going to put all my chips back into a relationship that fell apart, but I view her as worth pursuing again.

 

What do you guys think? Am I being ridiculous?

Edited September 3, 2017 by Skunk

[Maldives]

Hello everybody,

 

I just made an account to seek advice because I am feeling absolutely crushed right now. My gf of 3.5 years that I loved like no other woman (I wanted to grow old with her) left me on Friday and I can't help but feel like it is my fault. Please bare with me here if this ends up becoming a long winded post. I need to at least write something to help me think.

 

I am a 32 year old photo retoucher / and she is a 33 year old in education. We met when both of us were in really low times, but we hit it off in an amazing way, took it slow (I didn't even make a move on her until the 5th date and she appreciated that I took it slow), and we helped get each other out of the holes we were in.

 

We shared almost every interest, we enjoyed experimenting with each other's interests that we didn't share, our humor together matched so well, and we had many of the same outlooks on life as well as ideas on the future. We were always out and about on the weekends, and when we weren't, I would help her grade her homework (teachers are seriously overworked). I got along great with her family and they basically felt like I was a part of their family.

 

After about a year, we moved in together in an apartment. Living with her was absolutely amazing. We had the same ideals as far as what makes a home and so it was so comfortable to live with her. It was tough financially because rent is so damn high here in the bay area, and after our year lease was up we agreed that she should move back in with her parents so that she could pay for her credentialling program (so that she could eventually shift from being a teacher into getting a vice principal position), while I moved back to renting a room with a couple of other roommates.

 

But let me get into an issue that we have always had: I struggle to put my thoughts into words. It's not that I'm shy or afraid to talk. There are some days I can talk my head off (heck, we talked for four hours on our first date and barely ate the food on our plate), but there are some days where it's like a jigsaw puzzle for me to spit out just a few sentences. Often there were times where she wanted to go out out to dinner and have some deep, meaningful conversations with me, but when I tried to talk it felt like I was a deer caught in the headlights and have gone mute. For me it was torture, because not only did I want to tell her what was on my mind, but I could also see the disappointment in her face whenever this occured. I always felt cursed with this.

 

It was around the 2.5 year mark that things started to change though. She began to get incredibly busy due to both teaching and taking her credentialing classes, and I could see she was craving more out of me because our time together became lessened due to all the work. She wanted more personal connection when we were together, but at the same time she was so overwhelmed by work and wanted to slow things down on the weekends. It seemed like things were starting to get repetitive. We started to only eat at the same old restaurants, or we would spend the weekend working on her stuff (me grading her homework while she studied for her credential), or she would just spend the weekends laying around in bed doing nothing. We rarely did some fun weekend activities during this time. Meanwhile, I was even starting to suffer from depression off and on due to my career, and I was starting to develop lack of focus, laziness, etc. Even though I pushed my own goals aside, I still tried to help her with her goals. I kept pushing her to make it through this year to get her credential, and without my help she would have never gotten it.

 

The school year ended a couple months ago, she got her credential, and she immediately took off for a couple overseas trips chaparroning kids over the span of a month and a half. This is where it felt like there was a drastic, noticeable shift in our relationship in my eyes.

 

During this time, she gradually became more distant from me - even when she was back home during the intermission between trips. Despite my effort to communicate with her, she put little effort into replying back to me or hanging out with me.

 

Then a great thing happened when she got back from her second trip: her school immediatley offered her a vice principal position without her applying for it. She was so happy and so was I, because we both worked so hard all year long making sure she could get an opportunity like this. But we went out for a fancy dinner to celebrate and things immediately didn't feel right again. She went to hang out with friends beforehand and filled up on tacos.. so here we are at a great, expensive restaurant that I took her out to... and all she's eating is a soup because she was too full from tacos. I'm trying to put in so much effort to have a meaningful conversation with her during dinner and half the time she ignores me to look at the vice principal emails blowing up her phone, or staring off into space with a thousand yard stare. I felt like crap.

 

So she was back for a week, we had a pathetic celebration dinner, then I left on my own two-week vacation up in Oregon. She told me to call her every day and send her pictures, which I did, but she only answered the phone once (and seemed distant), and barely replied to my texts to her.

 

I return from my vacation, and another week goes by where she puts little effort into wanting to see me or talk to me. By this point she is actually working in her new role as vice principal so she barely has any free time and I could understand not having much room to hang out - but still, that is no excuse to not be able to talk to me or mind me visiting for a few minutes to say hi.

 

I leave for the weekend to go on a camping trip with my dad for his birthday, then I get back for the longest week of my life (this past week).

 

I visit her house after work on Tuesday and she acts uncomfortable and asks what I am doing there. I was taken aback by that because I was always welcomed, but she does let me in. The tone of her voice was off. I ask what's wrong, get close, and try to put my arms around her for comfort, but she shrinks away asking why I'm touching her. She said nothing was wrong at first, but she was lying to me. I continued to ask her and she eventually said she would tell me Friday night. This scared the hell out of me. I urged her to tell me, that she can trust me, that she should't feel the need to hide her feelings from me, but she refused and continues to act like everything is alright. Now I'm really scared. Then she proceeds to ask random small talk question to me: How was camping? How was work? How does so and so know this person? This whole time I'm awkwardly answering these questions because I am all weirded out by her own awkwardness. She was acting happy, and yet distant at the same time. Like she had made a decision about something and emotionally ready to tell me on Friday. Then she urges me to leave because she is tired and needs some space for the rest of the week (even though I know she'd be staying up for a couple more hours watching youtube or netflix). As I was leaving, I told her that I loved her. She didn't say it back. She just said "bye".

 

I knew what was coming, because her "I love you"s had been weakening since she left for her trips. She was going to end it all Friday night.

 

I was having a panick attack the whole drive home. We were barely together during these past two months, and yet she needed "space" from me. I should've known during this whole time that she was giving a lot of thought towards ending it. But I was too late to notice it. I could barely sleep.

 

It was hard to focus at work on Wendesday. When I got home, I made the mistake of calling her to beg her to tell me what was wrong, but she refused, told me everything is great, and to wait until Friday night. I could barely sleep again.

 

Thursday morning I made another mistake by leaving a note and flowers on her car. Of course she never contacted me about them. Again, I couldn't focus at work. I left work early to pace at home and curl up in bed. I was scared... and I could barely sleep again.

 

Then Friday morning came. I woke up from what felt like a 3.5 year dream into a world of nightmares. I opened my eyes and cried unrelentlessly. I felt so scared, so vulnerable, so angry at the world. I couldn't go into work.

 

I felt angry at her. I felt betrayed. I put so much energy into her and her family. I put so much energy into the idea of a future together. I put so much energy into getting her that credential, and now that she got the job she was throwing me away like I was nothing but a discarded tool. I felt taken advantaged of. I was so hurt from so many angles.

 

I called her when she was on her way to work. No reply. So I blew up on her over text telling her about what I mentioned above, and about how worried I was of losing her. I could only hope that she would reply back with love. But inside I already knew I lost her.

 

She didn't reply back until around dinner time, again replying that we needed to talk that night somewhere private. But I couldn't handle it any longer. I begged her over text to tell me if she still loved me or not.

 

She replied that she cared deeply for me but that our relationship had no chance to develop, that she had felt that way for over a year, and that she needed space. She wanted to meet and talk to me about it.

 

I couldn't handle it. Minutes after sobbing, I made the brash decision to tell her there was nothing to talk about, that I was a fool to love her, and that I would leave her belongings on her doorstep Tuesday morning.

 

I have the home to myself this weekend, and so I have been going insane with emotions and thoughts. I threw out everything that reminded me of her and deleted everything on my phone and computer than pertained to her. I couldn't understand how she could view that our relationship had no chance to develop. We had been through so much together, pushed each other past so many struggles, we were so close, so similar and yet had enough differences to balance out our weaknesses.

 

Well, all but one weakness. Me. My weakness in communication and my degression over the past year and half. Plus there were some times that I should have giving her some space because I could tell that she needed it.

 

Yesterday I reflected on things and I think I realized how I ****ed up in the relationship and I also realized how overwhelmed she had been over this past year and half. I sent her an email last night to say sorry and tried to end it the right way. This is what I wrote:

 

--------

 

Dear XXX,

 

I hope this finds you well. I am writing this with the aim to start the healing process for myself and to ask for your forgiveness for all the times that I didn't listen to you and for all the times that I hurt you. I'm so sorry and regretful that I shut you down yesterday. I wish I could take back what I said and hear what you wanted to say to me, but at the time I felt so scared, so vulnerable, and so angry at the world. That morning felt like I was waking up from a dream into a world of nightmares. It still does feel that way, but I don't hate you and you've never done anything I couldn't forgive. I understand that you still care for me and I can't blame you for leaving me.

 

I had the woman of my dreams in my grasp, but I ****ed it all up due to my internal struggle to communicate, my depression, my loss of drive, and the development of some bad habits and attitudes. You were distant because I have been distant to you too much this past year. I not only neglected your needs, but I also neglected my own. I understand that my own struggles have brought you down. You have arrived at a turning point in your life where you should not be with someone with a state of mind like the one I developed during this last half of our relationship. At the end of the day, you need to do what's best for you, because love is not only affection, honesty, and devotion to those you care about, but also the need to give affection, honesty and devotion to yourself.

 

I truly hope that someday we can reconnect and spark something again, but I cannot allow that to happen until I become a better version of myself, and neither should you. I need to delve deep and refind myself, becoming not only the man that I used to be, but something more. I allowed myself to be distracted from my goals, and it needs to stop. I hate that it had to come to this for me to wake the hell up, but things happen for a reason. I'm sure you desire to focus entirely on yourself and your new position for a while as well.

 

Please send my love and gratitude to your family. They are amazing people and have done so much to help me. Your family always felt like my family. Most of all, thank you. You've made me realize things about myself that no other person would have been able to. You've made things happen for me that I am beyond grateful for, and I hope you realize that I did the same for you. You carry a light inside you that I envy and cherish, and that has brought me so much happiness despite my struggles. You have been a candle in the dark for me. You and your family will always be in my heart.

 

Koalas are stubborn creatures, but please remember to stay happy, stay focused, and don't let your new job beat you down. I go so far as to pray that one day we can give each other another chance to develop a stronger relationship, but I honestly wish you find what you're looking for, even if it never becomes me again, because you deserve the very best that the world has to offer.

 

With Every Inch Of My Heart,

XXX

 

------

 

She quickly replied back:

 

------

 

Hey XXX,

 

Thank you for always being thoughtful and kind. Those are the two things I admire and appreciate about you the most, don’t ever lose that. We all have internal struggles that we are working through and I feel you came into my life when I hit one of the lowest points in my life. I know you don’t believe in this stuff and might laugh, but I do. I feel the relationship we had happened at the right moment in our lives, when we needed each other to push past our struggles together, without feeling alone. I will always be grateful for the moral support you gave me. And XXX, I don’t hate you. I care deeply about you and want the best for you and know that you will make amazing things happen. You are a gifted artist and I truly feel you are on the right path. I also want you to know that my family thinks highly of you and considers you family. Likewise, I care about your family and feel blessed that I had an opportunity to feel what a loving extended family would be like (I didn’t grow up with a lot of family members, most of my childhood it was only my mother, sister and brother). Right now, we need space. But in the future, if you ever are in need, reach out.

 

With much admiration and respect,

 

XXX

 

-----

 

I made a lot of mistakes during this past year, especially during this break-up process. I'm not sure if the email I wrote was the smart or correct way to approach it, but it's what my heart told me to do.

 

What bugs me is that I can't figure out her reply back. I was hoping she would give me more words than what she did in her reply back. I know that we can just be friends in the future - I knew that as she left me - but I can't judge from her email whether there is a chance to get back with her or not.

 

I will follow through with going no contact on her and to give her space. It is true that she has her hands full with her new job. I will follow through on improving upon myself. But I was serious with hoping to get back with her eventually.

 

I was thinking of trying to reconnect with her in about 6-8 months. I am hoping this would allow enough time for me to get back on track and improve my communication skills, and enough time for her to tackle her job and reflect upon us. Does anybody think I could have a chance with my ex again?

 

By the time I would try to reconnect with her, I would of course get back into the dating game with other women too. I'm not going to put all my chips back into a relationship that fell apart, but I view her as worth pursuing again.

 

What do you guys think? Am I being ridiculous?

 

 

 

The thing to consider is do u really want to wait for someone who's lost interest?

 

It's ur call dude know that its always harder trh ing to be wth someone who doesn't wanna be wth u.

[SevenCity]

Wow dude. That story broke my heart. Sorry for your pain brother.

 

I went though something similar and you'll read many stories like that on the board. The dumper checked out way before they dumped you. You scramble but it is too late.

 

Begging and crying will just push them further away. Don't beat yourself up, many - most do it.

 

The letter she sends irked me. It's like she thought it was good that she used you to get out of her low point. It makes no inferences of getting back together sorry.

 

Most people would feel a certain amount of loyalty but she took you as a stepping stone. I provided similar help with my ex and she was better off after she met me than before. She actually said "You are the best thing that's ever happened to me"....as she dumped me.

 

It's early days right now and this is gonna be tough for a long time. The only advice I can give is the sooner you really accept it's over, the sooner you will feel better. It's hard but there is no reason to think she'll want to come back. Don't ever reach out again. If she contacts you wanting to reconcile it likely means the grass wasn't greener. If she does ever get to that it's usually too late for you. Don't think of a future with her, picture the next woman and what you want her to be.

 

In your letter you took all the fault. It's not all your fault but after time you'll see where you went wrong and not make those same mistakes with the next girl.

 

It's been a year for me and it still sucks, but it's soooooo much better than it was. It will get better for you as well in time. Start dating as soon as you can and practice so when the right girl comes along you'll be ready and not making rookie mistakes like you will at first.

 

And another, better woman is what you will require to get over this one.

[preraph]

She's asked for space repeatedly and you have not respected that at all the best I can tell, so that very well may be the core issue. But if that's how you are and how she is, there's not pretending to give space and like it to make it work. You've still not given her space. You're still trying to make her say what you want to hear. But it's over. I'm not wild about the way she did it either. I see no point in why she wouldn't just tell you when you were there at her house, but probably she had a friend over or it was a bad time. Not sure what was magic about telling you on Friday and i guess you'll never know now.

 

Sorry for your pain, but she has moved on. You will find someone more compatible, but find someone who doesn't want space. I'm that way and I can tell you I wouldn't stay with anyone who wouldn't give it to me. But not everyone is that way. Lots of clingier types out there, so go find one.

[Marc878]

You chase they move farther away every time.

 

You did the typical song and dance.

This happens every time. Then the long letter pouring your heart out. Taking the blame for everything, etc, etc, etc.

 

It smells like to me she met someone else and dumped you for him. I suspect he'll surface shortly.

 

Either way you should go completely dark and block everything. Move on with your life like she has.

 

Quit making a fool of yourself. It only makes you look weak, needy and clingy. All very unattractive traits to a woman.

 

Wake up to where you are.

[umirano]

Wow, that was a pretty spineless and undignified email to your ex. Her treatment of you during the break up was really ****ty. You shouldn't have rewarded it that way. You only lost your dignity by it as you two are never going back together even if you had not shown how much power she has over you. You also had nothing to gain from that exchange though. If someone wants to walk, let them walk. No need to be apologetic for being yourself. If she really cared about the relationship, or you, for that matter, she should have piped up about a year ago, if there were serious problems from her point of view. Maybe she did and you deemed her complaints unjustified. Either way her way of breaking up with you sounds like a weird, manipulative and egotistical power trip to me. Are you going to let the next GF treat you this way again?

 

All in all I don't think you've lost anything with her. I hope you get over her soon and can move on to someone who respects you.

 

Good luck

[elaine567]

Relationships need to progress and so at the two year point when she moved back to her parents, your relationship took a huge backward step and never really recovered.

YOU became more and more like separate individuals and less and less like a couple, until finally she ended it.

[ThorntonMelon]

First of all Im very sorry. It's so hard to lose something like this.

 

The most important thing for you to understand right now is that you are in deep grief and incapable of seeing clearly and will be unable to for quite some time. You need to do the very best you can to find other outlets while you're in this place. Over time (months) it will get much better, but it's not going to be overnight.

 

The best news is someday you'll chuckle at the email you sent her and realize how far you've come. Be good to yourself, and wrap yourself in your friends.

[mrs rubble]

I agree with marc, it sounds like another man to me. You say she became very distant during her overseas trip, who else was chaperoning these trips?

Anyway, she was very cold in the way she ended things. She also sounds very selfish to me. I think you deserve someone much nicer.

Surround yourself with friends and get some exercise. I wish you all the very best moving forward.

[Gr8fuln2020]

I agree with some others. There is probably another man in her life and she spent the overseas trip with him chaperoning.

 

Her response to you was spot on and I believe, an honest appraisal of what really happened. She was vulnerable, you needed her, the relationship was a means to an end for her during her trying times. She used you for support while she was progressing and seeking something more meaningful. She found that, intellectually, you may not have been what she was looking for.

 

All in all, you were a rebound relationship until she could get on her foot again and find someone with whom she had more in common. Sorry.

 

She is right. Some relationships are not about 'forever', just the right one to have for that particular time in your life.

 

When I look back to my most recent serious relationship, I am convinced that it was one of those relationships. It could have been much more and she wanted to be with me desperately, but she royally screwed things up to the point of no return for me. During our short, but passionate relationship, I helped her get out of debt, pay off her car, start thinking about retirement and how to plan, and supported her during her doubts about her career. She was in a much better place than where she was before she met me. Of course, that is subjective as she was emotionally disappointed. But, I look back and know she will be okay and that I did my best to treat her right. It sounds like you did your best....no consolation right now, but keep in mind she does respect you and appreciates the support you provided. You're a good guy.

 

As per her invitation, I doubt she really wants you to follow through. She is being 'nice.'

[elaine567]

I was thinking of trying to reconnect with her in about 6-8 months. I am hoping this would allow enough time for me to get back on track and improve my communication skills, and enough time for her to tackle her job and reflect upon us. Does anybody think I could have a chance with my ex again?

 

By the time I would try to reconnect with her, I would of course get back into the dating game with other women too. I'm not going to put all my chips back into a relationship that fell apart, but I view her as worth pursuing again.

 

Personally I think she is done and it will be a waste of your time holding out for 6-8 months in the hope she will reconsider.

 

BUT the dating other women although perfectly sensible in your situation can sometimes be the nail in the coffin that means the relationship will never reconcile.

It all depends on how she sees it really, some will get jealous and competitive and want you back to prevent some other women having you, whereas others may never get over the mind movies of you being with another woman and others will take the stance "How can you say I am the love of your life if you were out there dating and sleeping with other women as soon as I left..."

Sometimes the third party involvement can be too much on top of all the other issues in the relationship that need sorted out to reconcile.

[road]

You chase they move farther away every time.

 

You did the typical song and dance.

This happens every time. Then the long letter pouring your heart out. Taking the blame for everything, etc, etc, etc.

 

It smells like to me she met someone else and dumped you for him. I suspect he'll surface shortly.

 

Either way you should go completely dark and block everything. Move on with your life like she has.

 

Quit making a fool of yourself. It only makes you look weak, needy and clingy. All very unattractive traits to a woman.

 

Wake up to where you are.

 

I would agree. She found your replacement during

her summer trips. Probably someone that works with

her. This why she grew distant.

 

The night she would not let you in was because

she had her new boyfriend there.

 

She is driven to be financially secure. This is shown

by her career path and effort to get another degree.

 

Living with you showed that you were never going

to provide the life style that she wants.

 

New man can. You got dumped. There is no woman

for you to wait for.

[IDB_2017]

As others have suggested, it sounds as if there may have been another man/woman involved that she became attracted to.

 

I recently went through a break up with my ex-GF of 6 years. I found out that she had been emotionally cheating on me through online messages with another guy. They had met a month previously for genuine reasons (I knew), and developed an emotional connection together. He tried to sleep with her one night, she refused, but decided to maintain contact with him online out of her own initiation. I found the messages one month later, and they would have continued if I hadn't. I'm pretty sure that it would have turned physical at a later date if they hadn't been living on separate continents.

 

Anyway, the point is, her behaviour after I found the messages was very similar. Distant and generally unloving. Making small talk and acting 'normal' around me, but I could tell she was emotionally gone. She said she had been losing the 'spark' with me for around a year, but had bottled up and ignored those feelings rather than speak to me.

 

She never had the confidence to actually break up with me, so I broke up with her eventually for my own self-respect. She briefly tried to reconcile after the shock of the breakup, but then decided it may well be for the best and we have been in no contact for over a month. I also found out that it wasn't the first time she had done this (physically cheated on a previous boyfriend after losing the 'spark').

 

After reading your situation, it really sounds as if she became infatuated with someone else and may have even been messaging or physically cheating on you. I know this sounds like a big assumption, and you may say that she would never do that to you, but don't be too naive.

 

She may well have been losing interest for a while, but I think it takes something specific - or more likely someone - for your loving partner to show a sudden change in behaviour like yours did. Your partner may well be quite emotionally immature, and couldn't handle the situation appropriately and so it ended abruptly and coldly. My ex sent an email to me after initially breaking up saying that "she understands me decision" but she "just feels we have grown apart and are different people". Bull****. This to me was nearly all cover up and rationalisation for her behaviour. The cold email you received from your ex sounds similar to me.

 

The good news? After a month of no contact, I'm feeling much better. I can see that although my ex-GF was wonderful in my eyes when we were together and we also shared a very loving relationship full of mutual dedication and support, there were problems lurking under the surface that she was unwilling and unable to speak up about. This is not my fault. Likewise, it isn't your fault that she lost feelings.

 

Your ex should have come to you to speak about the doubts she was having if she was really committed to the relationship. The fact that she didn't speaks volumes about her level of maturity and dedication to this long term relationship.

[Chi townD]

Okay dude. My spidey senses are going off. You're not going to like it, but here's my two cents.

 

She was cheating on you. All started when she came back from that trip to Europe. Probably one of the other chaperones.

 

After your camping trip, you show up to her place and she was like a deer in headlights. Surprised and eyes like saucers "What are you doing here?" What the hell is that supposed to mean? You're her boyfriend. Problem is, she was expecting someone to show up.....just not you. And then she was asking you nothing questions, didn't want you touching her and then was pushing you out the door as quickly as she could stating that she needed to sleep and you knowing damn well that she was going to be up for a few more hours.... Let me ask you this (and think really hard on that night), when you arrived, did she immediately go to her phone or excuse herself for a moment or went to the bathroom? If the answer is yes, then she was texting someone to hold off on coming over until she got rid of you.

 

Sorry dude. I really think there's someone else in the picture.