Jrugby7 Posted August 12, 2005 Posted August 12, 2005 SO the truth has come out. This was not a one time thing. She was doing this for 2 months. not just a one time thing like she said at first. She also mentioned that originally she was hoping i would leave her when i found out. Now she says she regrets it all and that she wants to be with me. What a joke. I think this has finally pushed me over the edge.
Jolene Posted August 12, 2005 Posted August 12, 2005 Now she says she regrets it all and that she wants to be with me. What a joke. Translation: Her new love interest has lost interest (for whatever reason) and she would like to fool you into thinking she is sorry, but really, she would like the opportunity to sit around, bide her time, and wait for another contender to enter the game. Are you game? Or do you deserve to be loved by a REAL woman?
nyr_fan Posted August 12, 2005 Posted August 12, 2005 Let me tell you firsthand, she is full of crap. This is just an excuse to stay with you until she figures out what she wants, or until she meets someone else! My wife did the same crap to me last year. She wanted to seperate to "sort out her feelings" and "see if she misses me" and "we take eachother for granted". Give me a break. We "worked things out", or so I thought. Then I found out she wanted to have an affair with a friend of ours, and when he didnt want to , she decided to stay with me. Now, a few months ago, she got a new job and has an affair with a co-worker. She used ALL the same lines on me again before I found out the real truth. Dont believe this bulls..t! Take it from me, who took way too much bulls..t...she is full of it. Good luck...
jmargel Posted August 12, 2005 Posted August 12, 2005 Originally posted by Jrugby7 SO the truth has come out. This was not a one time thing. She was doing this for 2 months. not just a one time thing like she said at first. She also mentioned that originally she was hoping i would leave her when i found out. Now she says she regrets it all and that she wants to be with me. What a joke. I think this has finally pushed me over the edge. First off, don't compare your marriage to anyone else's on here. What one woman does and/or reason for telling their mate is not the same reason your wife would. Ask yourself, why did she tell you about this? Don't you think the guilt got to her? Look at the way she was treating you, sure signs of something else has been going on. Her wanting you to leave her right away when you thought it was a ONS was her way of not having to tell you the 'whole truth'. You stuck in there and you made her face her demon. Only NOW can you two move forward with repairing what is left if you choose to. Now you must find out WHY she did this, because if you don't there is a chance of it happening again down the road. Finding out why will allow you both to take the steps needed so you don't go down that road again. That is where MC comes into play. I would suggest calling your couselor and seeing if they can see you today or tomorrow. Don't make decisions right now based on emotion. Those are usually decisions that you later regret. Yes be mad, be upset but IMO don't tell her you are leaving. Let her think. If she asks if you are leaving just tell her you have alot of thinking to do. Put her on edge some, like she has you. It's her time to feel what life could be like without you. You can't go by other's experiences about the reason why she told you. You don't know the whole situation yet. One question you can ask her is 'Why did you tell me now?'. What was the reason? Ask her if it's still continuing and/or when it ended and how. Remember there is no just 'one' talk, she needs to be able to listen & communicate and give you as much detail you want about this, anytime you want. I bet part of this feels kinda good now, you know deep inside you are finally getting to the truth. At least that weight is being lifted, right?
Author Jrugby7 Posted August 12, 2005 Author Posted August 12, 2005 She had broken off the A before i found out the truth. I know it was her decision to end it and I know she is truely sorry. That being said, I'm not sure being sorry helps. Now i have to live with the fact that she slept with him several times and actually had a realationship. She didn't want to tell me this for fear of it hurting me. I had to ask her about it. It makes me want to vomit. One problem with me staying in this marriage is the lack of trust, another is the humility and another is the anger. This is not a big city so i am bound to run into this guy sooner or later. If this was a random guy who didn't know we were married i would put less blame on him, but this guy knew. I lay awake at night just wishing for the opportunity to rip his head off. I don't like to be angry like this and i dont think its healthy. Right now i'm thinking it would be better for the two of us if i ended the marriage. This would allow me to move and get away from any possible future encounters.
PSmith Posted August 12, 2005 Posted August 12, 2005 I’ve been following your story. She’s lied several times about the nature of this relationship. First there wasn’t one, then it was only one time, now it’s several times over a couple of months. Right now I’d have trouble believing anything she says. I would always be wondering if there was anything else she didn’t tell me. I thought she was making a serious effort when she got out of coaching. Then she started her latest crap. At some point you have to say enough is enough. Pack your bags, move out and file for divorce or separation. Divorce can take a long time to complete (mine took 2 yrs), if at any time the two of you decide to get back together you still can do it. But at this point for your own mental health you need to get away from her and the situation. What filing for divorce or separation does is protect you legally and hold you harmless, should you meet someone while you’re out of the house. It will also protect any assets you may jointly own, like a house. Filing prevents the sale of joint property. Good luck in whatever you decide to do.
Author Jrugby7 Posted August 12, 2005 Author Posted August 12, 2005 The latest crap is due to my asking about more details. She did make a big step in getting out of coaching and it ment a lot to me. But like you said, i feel like i will always wonder if she's telling me the truth. These details came out last night. Once we finished talking i went on a walk then slept in the basement. She tried to wake me up by being very sweet but i wouldn't give her the satisfaction. She asked i wanted to be alone tonight or if we should make plans. I just got dressed and came to work. She just called and was crying. She wants to know if she should leave town for the weekend so i can be alone and think. No she is not going away for the weekend with OM (i'm sure some of you are thinking that). We are supposed to go to a wedding tomorrow which i think we will be skippping. Why go out and fake it just to keep up appearences? Maybe i tell her to leave for the weekend, file, and put the house up. Has anyone ever gotten through something like this?
jmargel Posted August 12, 2005 Posted August 12, 2005 Originally posted by Jrugby7 She had broken off the A before i found out the truth. I know it was her decision to end it and I know she is truely sorry. That being said, I'm not sure being sorry helps. Now i have to live with the fact that she slept with him several times and actually had a realationship. She didn't want to tell me this for fear of it hurting me. I had to ask her about it. It makes me want to vomit. One problem with me staying in this marriage is the lack of trust, another is the humility and another is the anger. This is not a big city so i am bound to run into this guy sooner or later. If this was a random guy who didn't know we were married i would put less blame on him, but this guy knew. I lay awake at night just wishing for the opportunity to rip his head off. I don't like to be angry like this and i dont think its healthy. Right now i'm thinking it would be better for the two of us if i ended the marriage. This would allow me to move and get away from any possible future encounters. You will have that anger if you are with her or not, also that anger will go away over time if you are with her or not. As for the humility that is for her to feel, not you. Nothing you did caused this to happen. This was something that was out of her personality. Remember to have her get checked for depression. Look up the 5 stages of grief, it will give you an overview of what you'll be experiencing. As for trust of course you don't have any in her right now, she took a wrecking ball into the foundation of your marriage. This trust will need to be built back up. One of the good things that did happen was that she ended it. She didn't tell you because she wanted to be with him and he refused her. She chose you, although I know that's not much relief. You now have an answer to why she has been acting this way, you can rest knowing that her actions were not because of you. This is something she needs to get through. She didn't do this to hurt you, try to keep that in your mind. Only counseling will truly reveal what made her do this. Remember to not act on emotions, be the bigger person here. You probably want to rip into her and call her every name in the book, however that will only do more harm. She now wants to be truthful to you, give her to the chance to make things right. There are others on here who's wife had an affair and they have gotten through it. Before deciding to end it, I would ask myself this: 'Now knowing everything about what has been going on, have I really tried to repair this marriage and myself before giving up?'. You can't fix what you don't acknowledge and she's finally come to terms on what she's done. I'm not saying to make it easy for her, but you have to realize you were just told something that has really hurt you. You are probably still in a state of shock. Let it all sink in and really give yourself a chance to absorb it. Remember above this all. As long as you love her things can and will work out. Hang in there!
cranium Posted August 12, 2005 Posted August 12, 2005 Has anyone ever gotten through something like this? Jrugby7, Working on it just like you. MW asked for a separation July '04 and told me there was no one else. I got us into MC within a week. Four months later I went out of town with our son for a weekend. Found a condom in the trash upon my return. Not only had she slept with the guy more than once, she waited until we were actively in MC to do it, did it in our bed with my daughter asleep in the next room. Our counselor sure thought the timing was odd. Once I knew, then the real work could begin. I had been going to MC for four months thinking we were working on repairing things. Turns out she was in an EA since Dec '03. I discovered in Oct '04. MW's OM worked with her. I saw him all the time. He knew me and our children. The prick finally (last month) found a job in another town and has moved away. From what you have posted, your W broke off the A before you found out about it. I told our MC I had a real issue about this b/c MW didn't end her A until I discovered. For all I know it would still be going on had I not busted her. Our MC said she could have ended it without me ever finding out; still wouldn't change the fact that their were issues in our marriage that needed fixing. Yes, it sucks to think about the one we love in the arms of another. I think it hurts guys more b/c we question our sexual prowess. MW didn't do what she did to hurt me. Neither did your's. MW's OM did a great job of making her feel good about herself; fulfilled needs of admiration, affection and conversation. It was much more emotional for her. His goal all along was to get her into bed, but she still doesn't see it that way. To her, he was a great friend and she screwed that up. Your W says she didn't tell you for fear of hurting you. Mine said the same thing. I told her she couldn't hurt me anymore than she already had. For me it hurt worse not knowing. She cried while telling and couldn't understand why I was making her tell me everything. I told her b/c she knew and he knew and I couldn't be an outsider. Yes, she has told me things I didn't want to hear, but at least that replaced the stories I made up in my head. You need to know b/c she gave her OM a window into your relationship while she built a wall for you. As long as she is silent, you're free to create whatever horror stories you can fathom. The thing is, you have to allow her to tell you these things without throwing them back in her face. I'm not saying you are, but the more you can listen, the more open she will be. It takes time; man, does it take time. I still don't believe MW has told me everything and I don't think she ever will. There is nothing you or I or anyone else can do about yesterday or last year. The more I keep her A alive, the more I hurt myself. We have to stay present to the now. Hang in there. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t57566/
sylviaguardian Posted August 12, 2005 Posted August 12, 2005 JRugby, I am in your situation and not 'gotten through it' but am still struggling with it. IMO no cheating spouse ever tells the BS the truth right away. Basically i think one of three things happens: 1) The BS catches them doing something then there is no need for confession 2) The WS admits something and the BS accepts it and moves on 3) The WS admits something, the BS doesn't accept it and keeps on digging until the WS admits to something nearer to the truth It happens again and again on this site, basically because no-one is going to admit to something that they don't have to admit to. The downside of course, is that when new information comes out it puts everything back to square one. I understand your feelings of rage, having had them myself. All I can say is that they lessen with time and as Jmargel said, finding out why it happened can take some of the power away from it. In the meantime, try to have periods where you relax - go to the gym, swim or meet friends. In my experience being angry all the time is very destructive to yourself and your relationships with other people. You need to protect those. Sylvia
nyr_fan Posted August 13, 2005 Posted August 13, 2005 I respect every one else's opinion here, but I have to stick to my own. I would bet anything she is not being 100% truthful to you. I know it hurts, but sometimes the truth hurts. I think you two should immediatly seek counseling if you guys want to work things out. I trusted my wife 100% for thirteen years until the sh.t hit the fan with all thats going on now. Now I will never trust her the same no matter what. It sounds like your wife is at least making an effort, and if you love her and want to work it out, I would definetly at least try. Hope it works out, my friend.
Recommended Posts