umirano Posted September 3, 2017 Posted September 3, 2017 What I don't understand is why would someone do that? Do these people have no conscience to mess with someone's feelings like that? A lot of people want their cake and eat it too, especially when it comes to relationships. They will keep doing that as long as it is being rewarded. Good on you for leaving him.
Author Tweety00 Posted September 3, 2017 Author Posted September 3, 2017 Sounds like he is doing it because he can. He's said the ILY bit way too soon and now he can disappear and you'll be there when he wants to come back. My question is, why are you still there? I'm done now. I have deleted him from everything. I just came here to figure out why someone would do it. Doing it because he can? Sounds like an awful lot of drama for nothing, I don't get it.
mikeylo Posted September 3, 2017 Posted September 3, 2017 Thank your stars that you aren't married to him or tied up in any form and move on. I wouldn't be surprised if he seeps back into your life.
Author Tweety00 Posted September 3, 2017 Author Posted September 3, 2017 Thank your stars that you aren't married to him or tied up in any form and move on. I wouldn't be surprised if he seeps back into your life. I really hope he doesn't try to contact me again. It's not normal the amount of times he's done it now. He has played with my emotions too much I would literally be so angry if he even thought he could contact me again. 1
Caramelpopcorn Posted September 3, 2017 Posted September 3, 2017 If you love someone you wouldn't do this to them, putting them in all this pain and confusion, I understand if there's a real issue he's struggling with but it doesn't seem like it. He doesn't love you; I know it's so easy to fall for these super sweet words, but loving means you feel responsible for the other persons feelings, you don't play with their emotions this way. Some people on thrive on drama. You seem incredibly stable and patient, I think you deserve someone like this as well.
spiderowl Posted September 4, 2017 Posted September 4, 2017 He probably fell in lust not love and is just saying the love thing to keep you on the hook. He is behaving like a guy who is not in a relationship, spending a bit of time with a casual girlfriend then drifting off for a while to do his own thing. He will carry on doing this as long as you let him. When he realises you won't have him back on a 'not sure what he wants' or 'going slow' basis, he will have to work through his own feelings to see whether he wants to be with you enough to meet your requirements. He is probably panicking at the thought of a commitment and is avoiding it. Honestly, you can do without this messing about. If you want the guy, draw a very firm boundary (but let him suffer for a while on his own first), then enforce it (if he leaves again, absolutely no contact). You need to think whether this rollercoaster is worth it though.
Author Tweety00 Posted September 4, 2017 Author Posted September 4, 2017 He probably fell in lust not love and is just saying the love thing to keep you on the hook. He is behaving like a guy who is not in a relationship, spending a bit of time with a casual girlfriend then drifting off for a while to do his own thing. He will carry on doing this as long as you let him. When he realises you won't have him back on a 'not sure what he wants' or 'going slow' basis, he will have to work through his own feelings to see whether he wants to be with you enough to meet your requirements. He is probably panicking at the thought of a commitment and is avoiding it. Honestly, you can do without this messing about. If you want the guy, draw a very firm boundary (but let him suffer for a while on his own first), then enforce it (if he leaves again, absolutely no contact). You need to think whether this rollercoaster is worth it though. I don't know why he would be panicking at the thought of commitment when it was him that wanted me to be his girlfriend at the start. Only a few weeks back he was saying I'm his everything. I feel lied to. Why say you love me to my face if you don't actually mean it.
act00 Posted September 4, 2017 Posted September 4, 2017 We'll never be able to figure out why other than this guy simply doesn't know what he wants. I don't think he's intentionally setting out to hurt you. That is just the aftermath of his indecisiveness. He likes you. I think love is a bit premature, but he genuinely wants more...and then it scares him. He seems to be all-consumed by you (at the expense of all else?) and that scares him. Rather than just take things at a natural pace and see where it goes, he's going about a million miles an hour, then slams on the brakes. He's afraid. I'm afraid. Every time I date, I start to get a bit nervous at the idea of blending lives and a future...it's scary, but I maintain because it's either going to work or it's not, and you can't know unless you stick around, and it takes considerable work to not be all-consumed by a guy, particularly if you're less busy and have more free time...get on with your life until you see him. After he dumps you, he starts fearing not having you and starts thinking about the future again, and he misses you, so once again, he's going a million miles an hour. He's probably working on a lot of fantasy he conjures up in his head, which makes him miss you more, and then when he's knee-deep in reality, and actually has you, he gets cold feet again. After having gone through this how many times now, I think it's up to you to end it permanently. He's not going to do it. He doesn't mean to hurt you and isn't doing this maliciously (one would hope), but he is impulsive and unsteady. He doesn't seem to have a grasp at balancing his life. At 2-1/2 to 3 months, it's kind of a normal point in a new relationship where things move out of that blissful honeymoon phase and reality kicks in, but he also broke things off due to a new job, maybe other life issues, and he's insecure and a bit overly-obsessed with you (or the idea of happily ever after), and something's gotta give, and he did a full stop. Then he realized he doesn't want that, and he wants to try again, rinse and repeat. It won't surprise me if he attempts contact again. Stick to your choices or have a heart to heart about managing your dating life, even if it means scheduling "date night." Honestly, he just sounds like he just has a hard time with any type of healthy balance in his life and creating boundaries. I don't know that I would want to put up with it or be the "teacher," but if you decide to try again, you're probably going to have to do a lot of guiding. Let's hope he doesn't get demanding and jealous because your world doesn't revolve around him all the time. He's incredibly unsteady at the expense of your heart and emotions.
spiderowl Posted September 5, 2017 Posted September 5, 2017 I don't know why he would be panicking at the thought of commitment when it was him that wanted me to be his girlfriend at the start. Only a few weeks back he was saying I'm his everything. I feel lied to. Why say you love me to my face if you don't actually mean it. Quite frankly, some guys say all sorts of things. Maybe they mean it at the time, maybe they don't, but it does not necessarily mean anything. It is possible to love someone but not be in love with them. It is possible to love someone but want to be free to be with others too. It is possible to love someone's good aspects but find other aspects too difficult or restricting. 'I love you' can mean a lot of things. Sometimes it is just a 'sweet nothing'.
Vyliss Posted September 5, 2017 Posted September 5, 2017 Men like to pursue women. When you didn't immediately make it easy for him, he enjoyed the chase. But that is different from actual "relationship commitment". I feel he's young and doesn't know what real love is. He's infatuated and scared of commitment. He IS messed up and needs help. That's not your problem though. Next time a guy breaks up with you and tries to get back together, be VERY hesitant to do it (or better yet, have a rule you don't go back to exes).
Robratory Posted September 5, 2017 Posted September 5, 2017 What I don't understand is why would someone do that? Do these people have no conscience to mess with someone's feelings like that? Both men and women do this. Some people have issues. They get so self-absorbed in their own drama that they don't think of anyone but themselves. In their minds, they're not "doing" anything to anyone. They're just dealing with life the only way they know how. The best thing we can do is stay away from such people when we recognize them.
Author Tweety00 Posted September 7, 2017 Author Posted September 7, 2017 I have an update. Low and behold he text me again wanting to know if we can be friends or are we gonna "hate" each other forever. He text wanting to be civil basically. Again like clockwork, he has said the exact same thing before. So I didn't answer that. Then 2 days ago I was in a store and he was there! He came over wanting to chat and basically started acting like we did at the start when we were dating. He said can we go to the park to "our bench" (we used to go to a specific bench in a park when we first met). So I agreed. We went and he just started saying again he wants to date like we did at the start and he still feels the same as he always has about me. Said he loves me again (surprise surprise). He said he's not using me because why would he go through all this drama just to use me when he could move on? , So what I gathered from this meeting is he wants to take it really slow and if all goes well we'll start telling people about us again. I have no idea what's going on anymore. I'm so confused. Every time I speak to him I still have no idea what's going on.
stillafool Posted September 7, 2017 Posted September 7, 2017 I have an update. Low and behold he text me again wanting to know if we can be friends or are we gonna "hate" each other forever. He text wanting to be civil basically. Again like clockwork, he has said the exact same thing before. So I didn't answer that. Then 2 days ago I was in a store and he was there! He came over wanting to chat and basically started acting like we did at the start when we were dating. He said can we go to the park to "our bench" (we used to go to a specific bench in a park when we first met). So I agreed. We went and he just started saying again he wants to date like we did at the start and he still feels the same as he always has about me. Said he loves me again (surprise surprise). He said he's not using me because why would he go through all this drama just to use me when he could move on? , So what I gathered from this meeting is he wants to take it really slow and if all goes well we'll start telling people about us again. I have no idea what's going on anymore. I'm so confused. Every time I speak to him I still have no idea what's going on. Who cares what he wants at this point. What are you going to do? The decision is not his alone. Are you going to continue to put up with this? He is definitely acting like a man who is dating around but still trying to keep everyone on the hook until he makes up his mind or continues to date.
Author Tweety00 Posted September 7, 2017 Author Posted September 7, 2017 Who cares what he wants at this point. What are you going to do? The decision is not his alone. Are you going to continue to put up with this? He is definitely acting like a man who is dating around but still trying to keep everyone on the hook until he makes up his mind or continues to date. I don't think he's dating around. He said he's not going to see other people.
Redhead14 Posted September 7, 2017 Posted September 7, 2017 (edited) why would he go through all this drama just to use me when he could move on? -- Because it's working . . . He knows you're confused and don't really want him to go away. How does he know? Because every time he comes back, you entertain conversations, etc. Perhaps this guy is pursuing other women who won't put up with his BS so he keeps coming back to the one who does until . . . Why would a guy do this? -- Because you're allowing it. If someone treats me like a doormat, I pick up the mat and close the door and lock it. Edited September 7, 2017 by Redhead14
Author Tweety00 Posted September 7, 2017 Author Posted September 7, 2017 why would he go through all this drama just to use me when he could move on? -- Because it's working . . . He knows you're confused and don't really want him to go away. How does he know? Because every time he comes back, you entertain conversations, etc. Perhaps this guy is pursuing other women who won't put up with his BS so he keeps coming back to the one who does until . . . Why would a guy do this? -- Because you're allowing it. If someone treats me like a doormat, I pick up the mat and close the door and lock it. Ugh I just don't understand how this happened. This guy was way more into me at the start and now it feels like I'm way more into him than he is. We clicked from the start and we seemed to get on really well and had a good time on every date so why doesn't he want to be with me now? I feel like I'm not good enough to be his girlfriend and it hurts. And I don't know what I did wrong
Redhead14 Posted September 7, 2017 Posted September 7, 2017 Ugh I just don't understand how this happened. This guy was way more into me at the start and now it feels like I'm way more into him than he is. We clicked from the start and we seemed to get on really well and had a good time on every date so why doesn't he want to be with me now? I feel like I'm not good enough to be his girlfriend and it hurts. And I don't know what I did wrong I feel like I'm not good enough to be his girlfriend -- Why put this on you when he's clearly the one who doesn't have his head on straight. You should be saying "I'm too good to be his girlfriend". The why's of his behavior would really be difficult to identify without knowing what's in his head or his history. What you do know is that his history with you is inconsistent at best. I could venture/offer some possible scenarios, but why bother. It's how all this affects YOU that's important. You didn't do anything "wrong". You can't go around trying to figure out what does or doesn't work for a particular guy and become some kind of chameleon. Either what you have to offer/who you are works for them or it doesn't. If they can't decide, then it simply means that whatever you do have to offer/who you are isn't exactly what they want because if that were true, they wouldn't have a difficult decision to make. Block and delete this guy for you own sanity/sake. I'm willing to bet that over time, if you continued to see him, you would find out why he's still single and it's probably not by choice. Other women have seen this behavior in the past and they bailed. You should too. Stop focusing on HIM and focus on YOU and why you would entertain such behavior from a guy. Most secure, independent women would want a guy who consistently and clearly demonstrates by words supported with actions that his interest in her is strong and sincere. Not a guy who is all over the place.
Author Tweety00 Posted September 7, 2017 Author Posted September 7, 2017 I feel like I'm not good enough to be his girlfriend -- Why put this on you when he's clearly the one who doesn't have his head on straight. You should be saying "I'm too good to be his girlfriend". The why's of his behavior would really be difficult to identify without knowing what's in his head or his history. What you do know is that his history with you is inconsistent at best. I could venture/offer some possible scenarios, but why bother. It's how all this affects YOU that's important. You didn't do anything "wrong". You can't go around trying to figure out what does or doesn't work for a particular guy and become some kind of chameleon. Either what you have to offer/who you are works for them or it doesn't. If they can't decide, then it simply means that whatever you do have to offer/who you are isn't exactly what they want because if that were true, they wouldn't have a difficult decision to make. Block and delete this guy for you own sanity/sake. I'm willing to bet that over time, if you continued to see him, you would find out why he's still single and it's probably not by choice. Other women have seen this behavior in the past and they bailed. You should too. Stop focusing on HIM and focus on YOU and why you would entertain such behavior from a guy. Most secure, independent women would want a guy who consistently and clearly demonstrates by words supported with actions that his interest in her is strong and sincere. Not a guy who is all over the place. I'm putting it on me because we were in a relationship and then he decides one morning he wants to go back to dating slowly. I don't get it so it must be my fault? His history is: he was with a girl for 5 or 6 years. They broke up 2 years ago. She cheated on him. Since then he's been single but has been seeing girls before he met me but none that he would consider girlfriend material. So basically I was girlfriend material for 2 months until he decides one day I'm not anymore.
Redhead14 Posted September 7, 2017 Posted September 7, 2017 I'm putting it on me because we were in a relationship and then he decides one morning he wants to go back to dating slowly. I don't get it so it must be my fault? His history is: he was with a girl for 5 or 6 years. They broke up 2 years ago. She cheated on him. Since then he's been single but has been seeing girls before he met me but none that he would consider girlfriend material. So basically I was girlfriend material for 2 months until he decides one day I'm not anymore. Listen, dating is a process. As time goes by and more things are revealed and observed, your evaluation of the partner can and does change. That's why we date people for a while before we actually decide they are long-term material for each other. Plain and simple. Be happy it was only two months of this with him. And, you should be asking yourself why you let it go for so long. I'm putting it on me because -- You're putting it on you because you feel like you actually have control over what the other person does, thinks, feels. You don't. It is what it is. This guy seemed like he was all in from the get go apparently and perhaps, even he thought so. He was likely caught up in the endorphins of it all and then something came up for him that made all that fade. You really don't have any idea whether it was something you did or said that caused this in him. There are often lots of triggers for emotions that don't have anything to do with another person. This fade of endorphins should have happened for you a long time ago. I struggle to understand why you were falling for a guy who wasn't dating you well and disappearing, etc. I'd find it hard to fall in love with a guy who wasn't treating me well or respecting my time or disappearing all the time. The fact is, that with all this disappearing and reappearing in such a short period, you really don't know him at all. I'd say you love who you wish/dream he would be/could be. You love the idea of him -- not the real him.
stillafool Posted September 7, 2017 Posted September 7, 2017 I don't think he's dating around. He said he's not going to see other people. You still didn't answer what you want or what you are going to do.
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