Why would a guy do this? Emotional rollercoaster

[Tweety00]

I'm so angry with myself right now. I'm just so confused about what happened so I'll try to explain the important details and keep it as short as I can. I'm 22 years old and I was "seeing" a guy (26 years old) for 3 months. This guy pursued me from the very start. He had seen me around the town I live in and was attracted to me. He sent me a message on a dating app saying he had seen me around and thought I was gorgeous but was scared to say hi.

 

So we eventually met up for a date and everything went well. He was "mad about me" and thought I was funny, really nice, good personality and very good looking. He ended up liking me more and more and after a few weeks of dating he kept saying he intended to make me his girlfriend. He said he was obsessed with me because he wanted me to be his girlfriend. He said he loved me first. (this was about a month of knowing him). So he eventually asked me to be his girlfriend and we were going good for another month.

 

Then one morning nearly 2 and a half months in I get a text from him saying we need to take a break and slow things down because of his job he doesn't have time to spend with me. Fair enough he started a new job. So we didn't talk for awhile we were basically broken up then a few days later he text me again saying he wants to make a proper go of things this time because he wants to make it last this time. He asked to meet to talk. Basically said he still loves me, really missed me but wants to go slow because he doesn't feel he's in the right place for a relationship. So we started seeing each other again. Low and behold he needs space again for a few days. Few days are up he text to say he's sorry but he can't be in a relationship right now he doesn't want to mess me around but his head is all over the place.

 

So this time I'm done I don't contact him. Fast forward a week and he's texting to be civil and can we be friends. When I asked him what all this game playing was he replied with he didn't know what he wanted his head was messed up he didn't want a relationship but at the same time he didn't wanna lose me, and that it wasn't an easy decision because he was in love with me and lost possibly the best girl he's ever had all because he's not ready to be with someone. Every time I asked if it was anything I did he would say it wasn't, it was about him not me and he's still attracted to me.

 

This cycle happened one more time and here I am now wondering what the hell happened. This guy would tell me to my face he loved me (unprovoked) thought I was perfect, missed me, just acted into me. Then he would constantly change his mind. It doesn't make sense. He constantly wanted to "sort things out" but then would change his mind. He would come back with "I do love you I miss our laughs and everything I'm just all over the place at the moment"

 

I know this is confusing. It's even confusing to explain. I shouldn't have taken him back so much I realise this now but I thought he was genuinely serious. I feel stupid. I feel like he's made a fool out of me. Is he unstable or what? Any insight would be appreciated. Why do guys come on really strong to just change their minds?

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I don't think he's made a fool out of you, but he's kinda making a fool of himself! He IS all over the place.

 

I think I'd just tell him, "sorry, I can't put up with your wishy-washy ways anymore." And ignore him. Even if you really like him, this is going to get old fast. It already is.

[Tweety00]

I basically told him this and he asked could we stay on good terms. So I said no, you've messed me around too much, you're not a nice person etc. What I don't understand is why would someone do that? Do these people have no conscience to mess with someone's feelings like that? None of my family or friends like him because of the way he has treated me. I actually bumped into his mother in town and she said she likes me, thinks I'm a lovely girl and she said don't let him mess you around. His own MOTHER said that. She was even confused about whether we were back together or what's going on now.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I basically told him this and he asked could we stay on good terms. So I said no, you've messed me around too much, you're not a nice person etc. What I don't understand is why would someone do that? Do these people have no conscience to mess with someone's feelings like that? None of my family or friends like him because of the way he has treated me. I actually bumped into his mother in town and she said she likes me, thinks I'm a lovely girl and she said don't let him mess you around. His own MOTHER said that. She was even confused about whether we were back together or what's going on now.

 

I don't think you HAVE to understand the why. So many people come here wanting to know why, why, why. You're not going to understand it because you're not wishy-washy like him. It might not be any more complicated than what he's told you....he's all over the place and doesn't know what he wants. Fine, but you don't have to go on that ride with him.

[Miss Spider]

I'm sorry. I think he's just emotionally immature/doesn't think things through. Be careful with people who are too much too soon. It shouldn't feel rushed.

[Tweety00]

You're right. I'm not wishy-washy. I would feel extremely guilty doing that to someone that's why I can't understand how other people can unless they have no empathy and don't really think of anyone but themselves? If he didn't know what he wanted fair enough, but the fact he continued to play with my feelings, wants me one minute then doesn't the next whilst claiming to "love" me. I know I shouldn't have let him back but I did have feelings for him.

[Tweety00]

I don't think you HAVE to understand the why. So many people come here wanting to know why, why, why. You're not going to understand it because you're not wishy-washy like him. It might not be any more complicated than what he's told you....he's all over the place and doesn't know what he wants. Fine, but you don't have to go on that ride with him.

 

I'm sorry. I think he's just emotionally immature/doesn't think things through. Be careful with people who are too much too soon. It shouldn't feel rushed.

 

I'm beginning to think that myself. At the start I wasn't even that into him but he pursued me and I eventually fell for him but I remember thinking at the time he's saying he loves me and asking me to be his girlfriend way too soon. I should have listened.

[Gr8fuln2020]

I'm so angry with myself right now. I'm just so confused about what happened so I'll try to explain the important details and keep it as short as I can. I'm 22 years old and I was "seeing" a guy (26 years old) for 3 months. This guy pursued me from the very start. He had seen me around the town I live in and was attracted to me. He sent me a message on a dating app saying he had seen me around and thought I was gorgeous but was scared to say hi.

 

So we eventually met up for a date and everything went well. He was "mad about me" and thought I was funny, really nice, good personality and very good looking. He ended up liking me more and more and after a few weeks of dating he kept saying he intended to make me his girlfriend. He said he was obsessed with me because he wanted me to be his girlfriend. He said he loved me first. (this was about a month of knowing him). So he eventually asked me to be his girlfriend and we were going good for another month.

 

Then one morning nearly 2 and a half months in I get a text from him saying we need to take a break and slow things down because of his job he doesn't have time to spend with me. Fair enough he started a new job. So we didn't talk for awhile we were basically broken up then a few days later he text me again saying he wants to make a proper go of things this time because he wants to make it last this time. He asked to meet to talk. Basically said he still loves me, really missed me but wants to go slow because he doesn't feel he's in the right place for a relationship. So we started seeing each other again. Low and behold he needs space again for a few days. Few days are up he text to say he's sorry but he can't be in a relationship right now he doesn't want to mess me around but his head is all over the place.

 

So this time I'm done I don't contact him. Fast forward a week and he's texting to be civil and can we be friends. When I asked him what all this game playing was he replied with he didn't know what he wanted his head was messed up he didn't want a relationship but at the same time he didn't wanna lose me, and that it wasn't an easy decision because he was in love with me and lost possibly the best girl he's ever had all because he's not ready to be with someone. Every time I asked if it was anything I did he would say it wasn't, it was about him not me and he's still attracted to me.

 

This cycle happened one more time and here I am now wondering what the hell happened. This guy would tell me to my face he loved me (unprovoked) thought I was perfect, missed me, just acted into me. Then he would constantly change his mind. It doesn't make sense. He constantly wanted to "sort things out" but then would change his mind. He would come back with "I do love you I miss our laughs and everything I'm just all over the place at the moment"

 

I know this is confusing. It's even confusing to explain. I shouldn't have taken him back so much I realise this now but I thought he was genuinely serious. I feel stupid. I feel like he's made a fool out of me. Is he unstable or what? Any insight would be appreciated. Why do guys come on really strong to just change their minds?

 

I have to say, you need to end it with this guy. Just CUT-HIM-OFF.

 

Yes, there are people who relish in playing games with other people's lives. Always have been, always will be. Bad, inconsiderate people have always existed.

 

I cannot help thinking that this guys on and off thing and telling you that he loves you (after a month????) has two possible purposes. Before I share, he may be immature, but I believe he knows exactly what he is doing and has a strategy in place that is classic player behavior.

 

1. I notice that his breaks are not one or two days, rather long enough to find a new interest, set-up a date, go on the date, and discover that it will not work out. It is possible that his breaks are for the purpose of dating others.

 

2. The I love yous, etc. are a means to keep you tethered. He knows, for far too many ladies, telling them that I love you will keep them connected or returning... until he finds the one he really wants to be with.

 

Regardless, he needs to go. You are not his ideal partner and likely a place-holder until he finds someone better.

[BaileyB]

I would say that clearly, he was lusting after you... Perhaps, he got lust and love confused.

 

But, he wasn't prepared for much more. He made a fool of himself with his indecisiveness and immaturity. And now, it's just time for you to move on and find someone who can offer more next time.

[Tweety00]

I have to say, you need to end it with this guy. Just CUT-HIM-OFF.

 

Yes, there are people who relish in playing games with other people's lives. Always have been, always will be. Bad, inconsiderate people have always existed.

 

I cannot help thinking that this guys on and off thing and telling you that he loves you (after a month????) has two possible purposes. Before I share, he may be immature, but I believe he knows exactly what he is doing and has a strategy in place that is classic player behavior.

 

1. I notice that his breaks are not one or two days, rather long enough to find a new interest, set-up a date, go on the date, and discover that it will not work out. It is possible that his breaks are for the purpose of dating others.

 

2. The I love yous, etc. are a means to keep you tethered. He knows, for far too many ladies, telling them that I love you will keep them connected or returning... until he finds the one he really wants to be with.

 

Regardless, he needs to go. You are not his ideal partner and likely a place-holder until he finds someone better.

 

Thank you. I'll just clear up, one break was a week long. The others were literally in the space of a day or two. So he literally changed his mind again in the space of one or two days. I never thought of him as a player. He just seemed sincere saying he loved me. The last time we were back "on" he said he wants us to go slow but not see anyone else. It just doesn't make sense when he wants to sort things out and act really lovey dovey to just change his mind again.

[Gr8fuln2020]

Thank you. I'll just clear up, one break was a week long. The others were literally in the space of a day or two. So he literally changed his mind again in the space of one or two days. I never thought of him as a player. He just seemed sincere saying he loved me. The last time we were back "on" he said he wants us to go slow but not see anyone else. It just doesn't make sense when he wants to sort things out and act really lovey dovey to just change his mind again.

 

Some people are really good at expressing love when it suits them. He may be infatuated for sure, but love, after a month??? If true, I'd be a little concerned as it would indicate to me someone who is emotionally not entirely himself and perhaps not genuine...

 

His up and downs further reinforce that idea. HE wants to slow down, but do you feel that the relationship has been moving too quickly?

[Tweety00]

Some people are really good at expressing love when it suits them. He may be infatuated for sure, but love, after a month??? If true, I'd be a little concerned as it would indicate to me someone who is emotionally not entirely himself and perhaps not genuine...

 

His up and downs further reinforce that idea. HE wants to slow down, but do you feel that the relationship has been moving too quickly?

 

 

Yeah he actually said he was worried about telling me he loved me less than a month in but he said it anyway and said he was falling for me. I think he believed he actually loved me.

 

And no. I didn't think it was. We were seeing each other every day after work because HE would ask to see me that much. Because he would "miss me" if he didn't see me. That was before he text to slow things down and take a break.

[Gr8fuln2020]

Yeah he actually said he was worried about telling me he loved me less than a month in but he said it anyway and said he was falling for me. I think he believed he actually loved me.

 

And no. I didn't think it was. We were seeing each other every day after work because HE would ask to see me that much. Because he would "miss me" if he didn't see me. That was before he text to slow things down and take a break.

 

I would really be concerned with his emotional standing right now. This guy sounds imbalanced. I am also concerned that each time he wants to reignite the relationship from the breaks that he seems to try to plead his exaggerated emotional case that he is SO in love with you. I don't think he is ready for a healthy relationship for whatever reason. Either end it or place firm boundaries. See what happens when he realizes that expressing his undying love doesn't get you back when he wants. I suspect YOU are the one who will need to set clear, healthy boundaries for the both of you.

[Tweety00]

I would really be concerned with his emotional standing right now. This guy sounds imbalanced. I am also concerned that each time he wants to reignite the relationship from the breaks that he seems to try to plead his exaggerated emotional case that he is SO in love with you. I don't think he is ready for a healthy relationship for whatever reason. Either end it or place firm boundaries. See what happens when he realizes that expressing his undying love doesn't get you back when he wants. I suspect YOU are the one who will need to set clear, healthy boundaries for the both of you.

 

Yeah every time he comes back saying the exact same things. He loves me, missed me, wants to go slow and start dating each other again to just change his mind a day or two later. He said himself he's not in the right place in his head for a relationship. Even more baffling when I ask him to explain things he says he doesn't even know what he's saying anymore and he doesn't know whats wrong with him. And every time he comes back he states he wants to be with me. The more I think about what's happened the more he just contradicts himself.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

he says he doesn't even know what he's saying anymore and he doesn't know whats wrong with him.

 

Believe him.

[Gr8fuln2020]

Yeah every time he comes back saying the exact same things. He loves me, missed me, wants to go slow and start dating each other again to just change his mind a day or two later. He said himself he's not in the right place in his head for a relationship. Even more baffling when I ask him to explain things he says he doesn't even know what he's saying anymore and he doesn't know whats wrong with him. And every time he comes back he states he wants to be with me. The more I think about what's happened the more he just contradicts himself.

 

Ugh. Forget boundaries. I recommend ending it.

[smackie9]

Hot and cold people should be avoided at all times. Most psychiatrists say to run away from these people, they don't change. They get caught up in the moment, then when it gets too intense, they get this over whelming feeling of insecurity/anxiety, so they bail, or distance themselves/pull away, leaving the other confused. Those feelings wears off, and they go back at it missing you, wanting you back, but then boom, those insecure/anxious feelings come back, and the cycle repeats itself. It's true it's not you it IS him.

 

Walk away as fast as you can. He will never change.

[BaileyB]

Hot and cold people should be avoided at all times. Most psychiatrists say to run away from these people, they don't change. They get caught up in the moment, then when it gets too intense, they get this over whelming feeling of insecurity/anxiety, so they bail, or distance themselves/pull away, leaving the other confused. Those feelings wears off, and they go back at it missing you, wanting you back, but then boom, those insecure/anxious feelings come back, and the cycle repeats itself. It's true it's not you it IS him.

 

Walk away as fast as you can. He will never change.

 

It creates an insecure attachment. The studies show in children who's parents display affection in a hot and cold manner that these children have more difficulties than the children who are simply neglected.

[Tweety00]

Ugh. Forget boundaries. I recommend ending it.

 

Yeah at this point we are "off" again but I don't intend on going back. I have deleted him from everything. He makes absolutely no sense. I even told him this that he's so confusing. He says things but then "doesn't know what he's saying anymore". WHAT THE HELL

[Tweety00]

Hot and cold people should be avoided at all times. Most psychiatrists say to run away from these people, they don't change. They get caught up in the moment, then when it gets too intense, they get this over whelming feeling of insecurity/anxiety, so they bail, or distance themselves/pull away, leaving the other confused. Those feelings wears off, and they go back at it missing you, wanting you back, but then boom, those insecure/anxious feelings come back, and the cycle repeats itself. It's true it's not you it IS him.

 

Walk away as fast as you can. He will never change.

 

 

That really does make sense. But then why wasn't he hot and cold in the beginning? It literally just started randomly. It started at a point that we were going well.

[smackie9]

That really does make sense. But then why wasn't he hot and cold in the beginning? It literally just started randomly. It started at a point that we were going well.

Yes and that's when they are fighting it internally...when things start to go really well but it gets to a point they can't handle it. He needs some therapy to make sense of these feelings. He most likely thinks "This time will be different".

 

Tell him he needs help.

[mikeylo]

He seems to be mentally unstable to have a real relationship. Nothing wrong with you. There comes a time when you have to put yourself before anyone else and this is your that time.

 

You are broken up , stay that way.

[Tweety00]

Yes and that's when they are fighting it internally...when things start to go really well but it gets to a point they can't handle it. He needs some therapy to make sense of these feelings. He most likely thinks "This time will be different".

 

Tell him he needs help.

 

 

I actually said he needed to sort himself out. He agreed. Said he's miserable but doesn't know what's wrong with him. He's either totally lying or doesn't actually know what's going on in his head. But that doesn't give him the right to mess with another persons feelings.

[Tweety00]

He seems to be mentally unstable to have a real relationship. Nothing wrong with you. There comes a time when you have to put yourself before anyone else and this is your that time.

 

You are broken up , stay that way.

 

He does seem unstable. I can't make sense of any of it! Anyone who I explained this to can't understand it either.

[GemmaUK]

Sounds like he is doing it because he can.

 

He's said the ILY bit way too soon and now he can disappear and you'll be there when he wants to come back.

 

My question is, why are you still there?