Mental illness and dating

[samspruce]

So I have a problem: I am dating/having sex with a girl from my university class, who has intermingled with all of the other students (all males).

 

I also have a mental illness, which prevents me from speaking up to get respect, and saying weird stuff sometimes in its place.

 

Because of this, I have trouble getting respect from some of these students, and in turn, her, because she can see where I stand, and gets advice from others.

 

I also worry about what she tells these people about me -- this is a small field/community, and where you stand direclty affects what jobs you're going to get.

 

However, I want to keep seeing this girl, with no problems.

 

How do I approach these people when I see them? I mean I know how to, it's just, I am muted when there are the right things to say (PTSD). How do I make sure I no longer am stifled in these conversations?

 

How do I keep her wanting despite my mental illness? How do I keep her at a distance without letting her know too much, and giving her ideas? Or giving her more info to tell other people?

 

I am an empathetic person, and get taken advantage of, because I know how people work, but I fail to say things to create boundaries, and I ruminate on how other people will perceive me which directly affects my ability to speak up (these things play into eachother a lot.)

 

Any help appreciated.

 

Thanks

[Gr8fuln2020]

So I have a problem: I am dating/having sex with a girl from my university class, who has intermingled with all of the other students (all males).

 

I also have a mental illness, which prevents me from speaking up to get respect, and saying weird stuff sometimes in its place.

 

Because of this, I have trouble getting respect from some of these students, and in turn, her, because she can see where I stand, and gets advice from others.

 

I also worry about what she tells these people about me -- this is a small field/community, and where you stand direclty affects what jobs you're going to get.

 

However, I want to keep seeing this girl, with no problems.

 

How do I approach these people when I see them? I mean I know how to, it's just, I am muted when there are the right things to say (PTSD). How do I make sure I no longer am stifled in these conversations?

 

How do I keep her wanting despite my mental illness? How do I keep her at a distance without letting her know too much, and giving her ideas? Or giving her more info to tell other people?

 

I am an empathetic person, and get taken advantage of, because I know how people work, but I fail to say things to create boundaries, and I ruminate on how other people will perceive me which directly affects my ability to speak up (these things play into eachother a lot.)

 

Any help appreciated.

 

Thanks

 

To be frank, this is not something that strangers on a message board can help you with. Your issues are between YOU and your counselor/therapist. If you have been diagnosed with a mental illness, you MUST take care of that by working with professionals!

[preraph]

I agree you need to take it up with your therapist and meanwhile, just think twice before you speak and make sure it's what you want to say.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Agree. Nobody here is qualified to answer your questions. Best of luck to you in your relationship, though .

[samspruce]

Eh.

 

Maybe some advice wouldn't hurt. My therapist can only do so much.

[BettyDraper]

Be honest with her about what you're looking for. It's cruel to give someone a false impression of a relationship if you only want to have sex with her. If she isn't interested, there are plenty of other women who are fine with just being a FWB.

[d0nnivain]

So I have a problem: I am dating/having sex with a girl from my university class, who has intermingled with all of the other students (all males).

 

I also have a mental illness, which prevents me from speaking up to get respect, and saying weird stuff sometimes in its place.

 

Because of this, I have trouble getting respect from some of these students, and in turn, her, because she can see where I stand, and gets advice from others.

 

I also worry about what she tells these people about me -- this is a small field/community, and where you stand direclty affects what jobs you're going to get.

 

However, I want to keep seeing this girl, with no problems.

 

How do I approach these people when I see them? I mean I know how to, it's just, I am muted when there are the right things to say (PTSD). How do I make sure I no longer am stifled in these conversations?

 

How do I keep her wanting despite my mental illness? How do I keep her at a distance without letting her know too much, and giving her ideas? Or giving her more info to tell other people?

 

I am an empathetic person, and get taken advantage of, because I know how people work, but I fail to say things to create boundaries, and I ruminate on how other people will perceive me which directly affects my ability to speak up (these things play into eachother a lot.)

 

Any help appreciated.

 

Thanks

 

I'm at a loss about your problem so it's tough to offer you a solution.

 

What kind of mental illness do you have that "prevents me from speaking up to get respect, and saying weird stuff sometimes in its place"? The former doesn't seem like mental illness. It reads like lack of self esteem or the failure to have boundaries. While both are difficulties, neither are mental illnesses as defined by the DSM-V.

 

Saying weird stuff reads like you have Tourette's. My neighbor has it. It takes some getting used to but it's not a function of intelligence.

 

You say she gets advice from others. You worry what she thinks about you & what she tells others about you. Why would you want to continue dating a woman who can't keep her own counsel & is a gossip? Given that she engages in these immature behaviors why do you believe she can influence how others perceive you? Most people are smart enough to evaluate the source.

 

Finally if you want to date her, you should want to keep her closer. Your desire to keep her distant seems counterintuitive, until one factors in the idea that she can't be trusted to keep your confidences because she is not a person who is capable of discretion. This leads me back to why do you want to date some one who has limited integrity?

 

 

If you are not in therapy, get some. I think you have a self esteem issue which is easier to address then you think, especially in college.

 

Best wishes

[Robratory]

So I have a problem: I am dating/having sex with a girl from my university class, who has intermingled with all of the other students (all males).

 

I also have a mental illness, which prevents me from speaking up to get respect, and saying weird stuff sometimes in its place.

 

Because of this, I have trouble getting respect from some of these students, and in turn, her, because she can see where I stand, and gets advice from others.

 

I also worry about what she tells these people about me -- this is a small field/community, and where you stand direclty affects what jobs you're going to get.

 

However, I want to keep seeing this girl, with no problems.

 

How do I approach these people when I see them? I mean I know how to, it's just, I am muted when there are the right things to say (PTSD). How do I make sure I no longer am stifled in these conversations?

 

How do I keep her wanting despite my mental illness? How do I keep her at a distance without letting her know too much, and giving her ideas? Or giving her more info to tell other people?

 

I am an empathetic person, and get taken advantage of, because I know how people work, but I fail to say things to create boundaries, and I ruminate on how other people will perceive me which directly affects my ability to speak up (these things play into eachother a lot.)

 

Any help appreciated.

 

Thanks

 

I can only advise you to resist being identified by your mental illness. Whatever it is, it's part of you, but it's not you. Your feelings of not belonging to your girlfriend's crowd are common and not related to your metal illness. We all sometimes get with a woman who runs in a very different circle than we do. Be nice to everyone, and those who don't accept you will likely face disapproval from the others.

[mortensorchid]

I saw a shrink for many years as I have had many ups and downs in life and have a major depressive disorder. I have since learned the hard way not to discuss that with others, especially so called "friends" who go off and tell others I hear voices when I don't. I no longer see one because I don't have health insurance, but that's another story ...

 

That being said, now that the woman knows that you have a mental illness, assure her that you are working with your psychiatrist and taking meds and whatever else to work through it. Because you are. It's a medical problem, just like if you had diabetes or whatever else. If you are one of those people who have mental illness(es) who demands things and to be the center of attention, that's a separate issue to deal with not related to your mental illness. That is called being uptight and unreasonable and having no consideration for others. But since I know nothing else about you based on what you have said and if you are or are not doing, all you can do is assure her that you are being proactive. It's not your fault that you have this condition, many people have it who are self-medicating with legal and illegal drugs and alcohol and calling you the nutcase. You're working hard at this, and can do it.

[smackie9]

I'll tell you right now, no one is thinking anything about you. People who suffer from anxieties often feel people are judging them, talking behind their back, getting all paranoid, when in reality no one is do that at all. They have better things to occupy their thoughts with. How to deal with this? Learn to shut off those paranoid thoughts. That is what makes you stumble socially. Look up exercises you can do to clear your head of those damaging thoughts.....retrain your brain. Try this: https://play.google.com/store/books/details?id=K0oyCgAAQBAJ&source=productsearch&utm_source=HA_Desktop_US&utm_medium=SEM&utm_campaign=PLA&pcampaignid=MKTAD0930BO1&gclid=EAIaIQobChMItN-l77WI1gIV1o1-Ch2yvwviEAkYAiABEgLy0vD_BwE&gclsrc=aw.ds&dclid=CPfWuYO2iNYCFRRrfgodPXwAUw

[samspruce]

I'm at a loss about your problem so it's tough to offer you a solution.

 

What kind of mental illness do you have that "prevents me from speaking up to get respect, and saying weird stuff sometimes in its place"? The former doesn't seem like mental illness. It reads like lack of self esteem or the failure to have boundaries. While both are difficulties, neither are mental illnesses as defined by the DSM-V.

 

Saying weird stuff reads like you have Tourette's. My neighbor has it. It takes some getting used to but it's not a function of intelligence.

 

If by tourettes you mean Stress + Intrusive, repetitive thoughts + Complete dissociation/depersonalization + Brain Injury (Lack of filter), then yes. In these moments I can't tell what to say, and I am always trying please somebody else, or get something/respect from them, etc. because everybody just abandons.

 

Given that she engages in these immature behaviors why do you believe she can influence how others perceive you? Most people are smart enough to evaluate the source.

 

Thank you so much for this.

[samspruce]

I'll tell you right now, no one is thinking anything about you. People who suffer from anxieties often feel people are judging them, talking behind their back, getting all paranoid, when in reality no one is do that at all. They have better things to occupy their thoughts with. How to deal with this? Learn to shut off those paranoid thoughts. That is what makes you stumble socially. Look up exercises you can do to clear your head of those damaging thoughts.....retrain your brain. Try this: https://play.google.com/store/books/details?id=K0oyCgAAQBAJ&source=productsearch&utm_source=HA_Desktop_US&utm_medium=SEM&utm_campaign=PLA&pcampaignid=MKTAD0930BO1&gclid=EAIaIQobChMItN-l77WI1gIV1o1-Ch2yvwviEAkYAiABEgLy0vD_BwE&gclsrc=aw.ds&dclid=CPfWuYO2iNYCFRRrfgodPXwAUw

 

Again, thanks for repeating this to me. This is something I struggle with mightily -- always need to be seen as a perfect human being.

Edited September 3, 2017 by samspruce

[morrowrd]

Being afraid to speak up for yourself and having trouble setting boundaries - these are skills you can learn with effort. Although, I'm going to guess, there is a whole network of issues here that are at the core of what's causing you to have those two issues. Mental problems such as PTSD - I don't know enough about the clinical treatment of that, what I do have is life learning and experience with behavior modification. There is a saying I live by - "fix the within, and you'll fix the without."

 

The world responds to you, based on your perception and interaction with it. Sometimes perspective gets contaminated, PTSD can do that because PTSD causes depression among other things. Depression can be countered through effort and determination. Perception can be cleared up when we take control of that depression - negativity is the key reason people become depressed. Taking control I have found is as simple as monitoring the things we say. Our words act like anchors in the mind, such as when we complain or put ourselves down. And this isn't even about the power of positive thinking....it's about stopping ourselves from verbalizing negative talk.

 

Try it out, you've nothing to lose. Pay attention to the knee-jerk stuff that comes out of your mouth. Are you swearing alot, complaining (either about yourself or others), how often do you talk about yourself having mental problems? Are you defining yourself that way? Talking to others looking for either attention or pity because you have mental and emotional problems. The challenge is to stop doing that, stop talking that way. It will take some will power, but do it. The first time I tried this, it took me three days. I was so entrapped in the habit of talking negatively - but once I stopped, it was amazing. My mind cleared up and I felt unbelievably free. At that point, I could go BACK to complaining and talking negative because it was coming from a clear perspective and not depression. Not that you want to undo all the work that you just did, but to be real, none of us like everyone. We do at times hate people and situations...but if these feelings are coming out of depression, its doing more harm to us, than good. It's not "venting" or bouncing problems off of others. It's depression thinking.

 

The world won't look so dismal because you aren't seeing it through depression glasses.

 

Not setting boundaries however, is another project. That will take some practice and while I agree with the others about needing a counselor, you can be helped here and in your real world by consulting and observing (intimating) good role models. That's what I did when I went though my own personal reforms. "How do others set boundaries?" It does take trial and error, and consistency.

 

Your girl problems, and people problems, alot of that will be fixed when you focus on yourself.. Like I said, perceiving the world will mean you will be behaving and talking differently. That will cause people to respect you better if you learn to respect yourself.

 

Invest in yourself, the above is a good start. I can come back to this if you'd like and talk about resources I used.

[samspruce]

Being afraid to speak up for yourself and having trouble setting boundaries - these are skills you can learn with effort. Although, I'm going to guess, there is a whole network of issues here that are at the core of what's causing you to have those two issues. Mental problems such as PTSD - I don't know enough about the clinical treatment of that, what I do have is life learning and experience with behavior modification. There is a saying I live by - "fix the within, and you'll fix the without."

 

The world responds to you, based on your perception and interaction with it. Sometimes perspective gets contaminated, PTSD can do that because PTSD causes depression among other things. Depression can be countered through effort and determination. Perception can be cleared up when we take control of that depression - negativity is the key reason people become depressed. Taking control I have found is as simple as monitoring the things we say. Our words act like anchors in the mind, such as when we complain or put ourselves down. And this isn't even about the power of positive thinking....it's about stopping ourselves from verbalizing negative talk.

 

Try it out, you've nothing to lose. Pay attention to the knee-jerk stuff that comes out of your mouth. Are you swearing alot, complaining (either about yourself or others), how often do you talk about yourself having mental problems? Are you defining yourself that way? Talking to others looking for either attention or pity because you have mental and emotional problems. The challenge is to stop doing that, stop talking that way. It will take some will power, but do it. The first time I tried this, it took me three days. I was so entrapped in the habit of talking negatively - but once I stopped, it was amazing. My mind cleared up and I felt unbelievably free. At that point, I could go BACK to complaining and talking negative because it was coming from a clear perspective and not depression. Not that you want to undo all the work that you just did, but to be real, none of us like everyone. We do at times hate people and situations...but if these feelings are coming out of depression, its doing more harm to us, than good. It's not "venting" or bouncing problems off of others. It's depression thinking.

 

The world won't look so dismal because you aren't seeing it through depression glasses.

 

Not setting boundaries however, is another project. That will take some practice and while I agree with the others about needing a counselor, you can be helped here and in your real world by consulting and observing (intimating) good role models. That's what I did when I went though my own personal reforms. "How do others set boundaries?" It does take trial and error, and consistency.

 

Your girl problems, and people problems, alot of that will be fixed when you focus on yourself.. Like I said, perceiving the world will mean you will be behaving and talking differently. That will cause people to respect you better if you learn to respect yourself.

 

Invest in yourself, the above is a good start. I can come back to this if you'd like and talk about resources I used.

 

Willpower is key -- it got me to write the original post in the first place.

 

Instead of ruminating what to say or how what I said came off, I will shift my focus to something productive.

 

A big challenge is letting go of what I think I deserve from people, and therefore the outcome of whatever that is. I'll start with recognizing that stress to impress, and shift my focus to the moment . And if that's impossible ill just GIVE UP TRYING altogether

Edited September 3, 2017 by samspruce

[d0nnivain]

If by tourettes you mean Stress + Intrusive, repetitive thoughts + Complete dissociation/depersonalization + Brain Injury (Lack of filter), then yes. In these moments I can't tell what to say, and I am always trying please somebody else, or get something/respect from them, etc. because everybody just abandons.

 

No that is not what I mean by Tourette's Syndrome; that disease causes tics & sometimes the sufferer blurts out stuff. It's a condition unto itself.

 

Stress is not a mental illness. It's a condition. You can do things to reduce your stress, like exercise. Yes, it is that simply & that hard. I am a stress puppy too & work in a high stress job. You need an outlet.

 

Through cognitive therapy you can manage intrusive repetitive.

 

Disassociation & depersonalization are more serious & do need a trained medical professional to address. Do you have one? If not, get one. Your school probably offers some type of counseling service. Avail yourself of it.

 

What kind of brain injury? If you have or had a TBI you need medical treatment from a neurologist. If it's that serious there should be a team of professionals taking care of you.

 

Not having a filter is not a mental illness. It's a choice. In modern society few people maintain boundaries. Through social media we're all a bit narcissistic. Going back to a time when nobody talked about anything & everybody repressed everything isn't the answer but this business about thinking everybody has the right to say anything they want all the time & in any setting isn't good either. Learn to keep your own counsel & not tell everybody everything. You can develop a filter if you try.

 

You got into college & are presumably doing well in your program. You have intelligence. Armed with that & a good therapist you can deal with the rest of these perceived problems. As smackie9 pointed out & you acknowledged, your need to seen as perfect colors your perspective about how other people see you. Things you perceive as serious flaws aren't even noticed by others.

 

I struggle with perfectionism & beat myself up mercilessly to the point where I can't function so I know it's hard to be kind to yourself but we must try.

 

You can't give up trying altogether. That is not the solution