Should I take back my ex knowing he's been with someone else?

[HurtAndConfused100]

Hi everyone, And sorry this is a long one

 

I am 21 and a senior in college. I had a bf all through out high school and things were more than amazing until senior year of hs when he started having feelings for someone else. He was also a bit immature and took me for granted. He btw, regretted it and wanted to get back together but my pride didnt let me. We ended things but throughout my time in college, we have kept in contact on and off (I know, we tried cutting each other off but always ended up talking again)

 

Now its my senior year and after doing some thinking I wanted to give us a chance to start just dating again. But... he told me he had found someone else but was torn on the decision to date me again or go with this new girl. He said it had been too long of him wanting me and me not responding. So he chose to date the other girl. I was extremely upset. But the thing is that in the back of my head I had always wanted us to workout but he would sometimes lie to me and I felt like I couldnt trust him, so I sat quiet. This was a month and a half ago, when he told me he wanted to date this new girl.

 

But a few weeks ago he gave me a call to tell me that he missed me and most of the time he didnt feel "right" with this new girl. That he couldnt stop thinking if me. He also later told me he wanted to stop talking to her because she's not what he wanted but also didnt want to date anyone, including me, because he wanted to grow as a person. I feel like he was confused and sending mixed signals. So i just told him to take this time but to not contact me either because he was just hurting me more.

 

And now a few days ago he called me again and told me that he wants me back. And wanted to date and start as fresh as we possibly could. That he had messed up and he didnt want to date anyone that wasnt me. He was almost in tears when he saix this. I didnt want to get my hopes up so i told him that if we could take a few weeks to really think if this is what we want and then go from there and just start hanging out and maybe eventually date, etc. But he told me he wanted to be honest with me from the start and he ended up telling me that he had had s*x a few times with the girl he had been talking to after he had told me he was going to stop talking to her.

 

I became really upset because although we have been apart for many years, I never really have dated much and its definitely never gotten to the point of having sex with someone else. Also, we lost our virginity to each other. So i also havent had s*x with anyone else everr. I feel terrible because if he hadn't done that,especially after telling me he had stopped talking to her, I would have been completely on board to just trying again... Im also kind of self-conscious and I fear that the topic of him having had s*x with someone will come up in argument or even when it comes to the point of us having sex and me feeling sh*tty about myself. I dont want that. If it wasnt for that, I feel like starting off fresh it would have worked. But I also dont want to regret not giving it a chance because if we take another break to try and "heal" again, I fear that it would just tear us more apart. When I told him all of this he was distraught and said he wish he hadnt done that. So my question is, am I stupid for wanting to still give it a try? Am I stupid for now wanting to have s*x with someone else just to feel "even"? And if I do choose to try seeing him again, how do I date him knowing he's been with someone else? (And get those horrible images out of my head)

[d0nnivain]

Some people can move forward not bothered about what an EX did during the in between time when you were apart. Here that was 4 years so it's particularly unrealistic for you to think he sat home the whole time, even though that is basically what you did. However, it sounds like you are the type that is going to fret about it & bring it up & you will continually pick at this issue so I wouldn't even try

 

More over it doesn't seem all that clear about what he wants. First he wanted the other girl. Then he wanted nobody & now he wants you. Especially if you go to different school, unless they are less than 1 hour apart, don't even try an LDR. You two aren't built for it.

[Captivating]

Hey,

You don't like him to lie, but cannot handle the truth either.

You guys are not a couple at the moment, he had sex with someone....yet his thoughts always go back to you. He wants you.

Guys are very curious and immature until about age 26 Those hormones are pumping and raging in him .... so what if he had sex when you were not even together??

He was honest about it and he gets punished again. You should appreciate his honesty and I don't think you should hold it against him because if you do,,,, he will lie for sure next time. That's what this situation teaches him.

 

I would date him since you both want it. If he wants you, there is a reason for it, he loves you, he finds you sexy and obviously likes the sex with you.

Don't create drama unnecessarily in your head, making you both miserable !

Just go for it !

[HurtAndConfused100]

I know we weren't together when he would lie to me but the reason I would be hurt and get upset about it was because he would be telling me he liked me and hold my hand while doing some messed up things, which I would eventually find out about and get mad. I wouldn't have gotten mad if I had found out through HIM. Or if he wasn't trying to talk to me at the same time.

 

I know that I'm highlighting the bad things right now but he was also a great by when we were together. Very caring, compassionate, attentive, and affectionate. He just stopped being all those things towards the end... And now I'm torn of what to do. Do I let myself heal and take some time with the risk of losing him now that he wants me back, or date him with that idea in the back of my head...

 

Also thanks for the advice I do want to think of it as sex just being sex. It just means more to me than that, because like I said, I have only had sex with him.

Edited September 2, 2017 by HurtAndConfused100

[elaine567]

I don't think he actually knows what he wants.

6 weeks ago, he made a choice between dating the op and another girl, the other girl won and he dated her.

A few weeks ago he contacts the OP and tells her he wants to stop talking to the other girl but he doesn't want to date anyone including the OP.

A few days ago he now wants to date the OP, but tells her between contacting her a few weeks ago and now, he slept with the other girl a few times.

 

The OP is now getting mind movies regarding the fact he had sex with the other girl, since he is the only man she has ever slept with.

 

There are three main issues here

1. The fact the OP seems to have "won" him by default. They may have been HS sweethearts and it is cute to think this is "true love", but given the free choice he chose the other girl only 6 weeks ago. He then gets in touch again a few weeks later (maybe had a fight with the other girl) and the OP is maybe only his plan B strategy at that point, so he tells her he does not want to date anyone, he then sleeps with the other girl.

A few days ago (I guess, she dumped him), he contacts the OP again... They split in the first place because he wanted to date someone else...history repeating.

 

2. The mind movies, the insecurity and the comparisons are going to be very difficult to shift...

 

3. The OP feels the need to get "even"...

 

I am not a great fan of second chances, usually the same old issues crop up again.

I do not think this attempt at "reconciliation" has been exactly perfect either.

YOU are my second choice, after I burned my boats with some other girl is not a great place to start from.

[whatnot]

tragically....sometimes we tell others things that cannot be taken back....even when reaching for our best.

 

the road to ruin is paved with good intentions....and an unawareness of our own selfishness...which he telling you this....tells me....he lacks....the awareness...of what hurts himself and others.

 

You've done nothing wrong. You've done nothing for which you should be judged for.

 

It would take a level of maturity and forgiveness (and forgetfulness) to move on...that only a handful possess.

 

I've seen it happen. It's rare....to have such qualities....and if you do not....no judgements on you....he's still unaware of his failings.....with his good intentions

 

good luck to you...

 

and please take care of yourself Hurtandconfused....

 

David

 

btw....a relationship with another human being such as this is difficult....

 

take care

[whatnot]

I wouldn't have got

 

peace

Edited September 2, 2017 by whatnot