One year on and I'm obsessed (i don't get it)

[Maldives]

Me and the ex were together 6 yrs we broke up a yr ago. Here I sit writing this obsessing over her, where she is who she's with what she's doing.

 

I can't seem to just stop the thoughts. Tonight I woke up from an awful dream where she was wth someone and it brought all the pain back. I was actually better a few months ago fuelled by anger towards her at the way she went about the breakup not only breaking up by sms (weak...she was a big advocate of doing it face to face all bs in the end).

 

You would think I would know better I'm in my 40's had numerous Heart wrenching breakups let me tell u they never get easier u just kinda know the stages and wats coming.

 

I don't ever remember being this obsessed wth an ex. Maybe it's got something to do wth working together? That part or it I don't know how others handle it so well but for me I've found it to be incredibly challenging. Maybe it's because she's an attention seeker and loves it wen guys at the office lavish her wth attention.

Its not so easy to find another job where I live not a good one like where I am or the company I work for but I am wanting to get out as it's become almost traumatizing.

 

How does one stop these thoughts I've tried all sorts of things going out being busy sport. I keep thinking maybe a big move away from this area might be the only way to stop it. I love it here tho but there's so many reminders any thoughts suggestions?? Thanks guys

Edited September 2, 2017 by Goodguy05

[Reddice]

Hey man. I 'm sorry to hear that. Let me share a story with you, ok?

 

So five years ago I had to break up with my ex. I decided to go on a 3 week holiday to Panama and Mexico. An adventure if you will. While laying there on the white beaches filled with lovely ladies I learned that no matter how far you run, you will always carry your emotions with you whereever you go. There is no way to escape them.

 

What might possibly help is to talk more about our emotions. However, as a man, we are really not encouraged by our friends and relatives to share our stories and feelings. If it takes too "long" (a month or so), people will grow tired of us. So we bury our emotions and try to move on as best as we can. Because we feel like a burden on those who love us.

 

My trip also taught me that there is never a same love twice. When you may have had it easy to move on from one ex, the next one can be rediculously rough. I don't think it's possible to learn how to forget about people and/or emotions. It's only possible to learn to live with them. And sometimes, starting something new may be just what we need. Sometimes it may not. There is no right or wrong answer here I guess, it's a matter of personal choice.

 

As you may or may not know, I broke up with my ex 5 years because of her cheating. Fast forward to the present and I have a wonderful girlfriend, a little baby girl and a kickass job. Somehow, I have moved on and and I have not seen or spoken with her in all that time. She was never completely forgotten, but I didn't long for her either. A few weeks ago, Linkedin thought it was a good a idea to recommend her as a possible connection.Had to learn that way the she had gotten married. It's been a long time since I've felt this bad and in my mind, I can see the entire relationship again. I'm reliving the good and the bad. Here I was, thinking I was over my ex, only to learn the hard way that my wounds may not have healed entirely. And I have a $hitload of distractions throughout the day, so it's not that I'm focused on her or anything like that.

 

What I'm trying to say is, you are not alone in this. And maybe if we could talk face to face about these matters with the people closest to us, we might be able to process it easier. Who knows? In the meanwhile, loveshack is a good substitute. Either way, your heart will need the time it needs, because it needs it. It's always good to work on yourself, because you are the most important person in your own life.But at the same time, it's no guarantuee you will forget. Just hope it makes the whole situation more bearable.

Edited September 2, 2017 by Reddice

[Maldives]

Thanks dude yes I remember reading your story and also had a similar experience.

 

I think u r correct about sharing feelings I'm too reluctant to bring it up wth friends it's hard for them to relate so u kinda hear that u need to get over it dude it's been a yr talk which I completely get frustrated wth haha because they can't relate until they go thru it. I honestly hate wen someone says that I know it takes yrs to be indifferent.

 

I actually did do that I took a holiday to new Zealand this was 20 odd yrs ago now but made the mistake of going to soon after the break up and felt worse.

 

I also took a holiday after my marriage fell apart to Thailand wth a close friend and honestly it was the best medicine getting over her I actually did get over her from that trip and had a holiday fling wth a beautiful Thai woman. When I came back tho the ex wife wanted to reconcile and I agreed after a few weeks but she started going hot and cold again and then said it was over that actually really reset my healing.

 

I think ur right though I need to find a group or some people who I can share this wth. Friends are great but they don't have the understandings of the pains breakups cause especially men. That's why this forum is really good. Thanks dude for ur thoughts really appreciate it

Edited September 2, 2017 by Goodguy05

[Captivating]

Hi,

I am sorry for your painful situation.

Yes, you are right, being at the same work makes it extremely difficult to move on seeing her every day especially when she flirts like a 14 year old .... not lady-like, it's soooo immature. I bet she wants to irk you too ... is she a narcissist?

 

Yes, you should withdraw from that situation somehow, a new start would be good as a no contact tool, it would help with healing, it's self preservation.

Make sure she has no way of contacting you so you can start a new life without her disruption.

I would quit and move out of that town very quietly.

When you are ready to date again, maybe you could get on an online dating site and you could invite out some ladies for a coffee date. These can be cut short or can last for hours. Meet a lot of women and pick a kind hearted, caring , compassionate lady with a similar moral stand. Never talk/ask about exes ... light conversations, be funny, complement them, listen

Things will be good again, don't worry...... but you nee to make steps.

1. look for a job somewhere else maybe out of town, don't burn bridges with current work place.... put your two weeks in, ask for reference

2. small apartment in new town , close to work (saving time, gas)

3. be comfortable by yourself, get to know yourself again your likes, dislikes, hobbies, venture out, try new places, food, movies,books, theatre.. etc ..

4. put yourself on the market when you are ready

[Maldives]

I love this @captivating really good advice especially the dating and new job. I like living here I think I'll see how I feel once the new job kicks in and take it from there I think that will be a huge step forward but maybe you could be right about a new town even new suburb where I live thanks captivating for the really good advice I really love this

 

Btw I'm glad somebody else could see that about irking me I think u m8ght be right that's what I was thinking. Narcissist possibly definatly very selfish long story she has kids interstate lost them in a custody battle because she moved here 1000 miles away from our original home well I guess Initially to be wth me but also the job and her situation back home. Lost the kids but stayed here at her kids expense lol.

Edited September 3, 2017 by Goodguy05

[whatnot]

well....don't let me steal your thunder, but....pour me one too!

 

I almost hate to post. I like to think I have so many answers for everyone else....and here I sit....over a year and a half....really almost 2 years....since my break up....and this afternoon....sitting here....watching some dumb movie about love....and cried myself a river....missing my ex. But so much more than this plays into this, maybe....for me.

 

A few times through the last year....I've google her name....(she's Miss "All That" where she lives)...so her name is in the paper...and it's on Google alot. Lot's of pages of just google. So.....heck....it's not like I can just *not google* her name from time to time....right? (don't answer that)....so anyway....what was causing my tears today....I knew i could not google her anymore. and even as I type this...it's so sad that I cannot even type one person'a name into my stupid google bar to see what's up. what the 8888 its that all about??? And then I begin asking myself...."Just what *IS* this thing called "Love"? I don't even know. and that make me sob like a 3 year old.

 

But...I think we maybe...and i don't know this....hell...I've never been though anything like this before in my entire life...so i'm groping in the dark here for answers, but....i think crying today....about not being able to google her name....it's another loss....as soft of a blow as that may sound to who ever cares to read it.....just not being able to google her name is something i'm having to grieve.....and it's more of facing the fact that it will never be again...and I will never see that person who I miss so much.....who made me feel like we were childhood friends....a friend like I had never had before. There was very little arguing....when we were together....and that's saying something for a guy like me....heck...I can turn a rock against me with my attitudes sometimes.

 

So..I remember her good qualities.....and .... forget what went down...and how things were in *reality*. I forget about the part where she never wanted to see me....in her hometown I was rarely welcome to come see her. she just never wanted me to know what was going on in her life. It never felt as if she was cheating on me...or lying to me....but....most say she was. And i believe she was as well....I just cannot see why, or how...a person could *THAT* "private"? (That was her go-to word....I'm a "private" person> I just thought that with her job...and all...and the way she was....that she really wasn't' someone able to be that close to another human being. Maybe it's both. Maybe she *is* a private person.....but MY GOWD LOL MAN....I mean....My gosh....there's a *difference* between "private" and "secretive". My thinking is she's as much of the latter as the former....and it made be begin to not trust her. And once that wheel came off....it was just a matter of time. She *NEVER* trusted me. and I did absolutely *nothing*....but wait on that stupid stupid boat for her phone call. How stupid can a man be??? but...all the while she'd accuse,, accuse..accuse....and at first I thought...."This is because she''s divorced from a womanizer"....but...as time passed...that turned more into...."She doesn't trust me *THAT* much because....she's got to be projecting on to me what she's doing in her home town".

 

Anyway.....goodguy....(Just LOL had to get that out...sorry 'bout that....) but anyhow....I believe we have these "little" things that we have to let go off....over time...and each one feels like the last time we saw them? (if that makes any sense?)

 

I know this one is BY FAR the worst i've ever had at getting over someone. I dated a girl in college...that one lasted 10 years. She wanted to get married....I said "no way".....(I was too scared). Then I did marry someone I met at my job. that relationship lasted about 10 to 12 years. Then....I met this last lady....with maybe 3 or 4 year breaks in between. and now...i'm old....59....and saying to myself...."that's it....that enough...I won't ever meet another one....as a matter of fact....I don't even *want* to meet another one". But...I don't want to be that way. My heart so cold to love that I won't do it again. I just do not want to be that person.

 

Hang in there. If ya ever need cheering' up....just give 'ol whatnot a shout. Just listening to me may be so boring and painful that the thought of missing your ex may make you think you're on a vacation.

 

I'm sorry you're having a go of it. and in all earnestness.....it really did take e about 2 and a half years after my divorce in '06 before I was really ready to go at it again. It just seems it's takin' a bit more this time.....but this woman didn't get on my nerves like my ex wife did either. She made me insane sometimes...but it never got on my nerves. I miss her. But...I do not miss that relationship.....

[Maldives]

Thanks for sharing whatnot. I can relate to the the part especially about uve had enough wth relationships I'm in my mind 40's also had a 10 yr marriage that ended in 2006/07 had 5 very pa8nful break ups. I guess this last one was my last but of hope I could trust woman I want to i see my issues. My hearts slowly coming back and hopefully and can have the strength at some stage to give it another shot.

 

Yes I know what u mean about not being able to Google her name. It's that last bit of reality and hope lost that she really isn't coming back haha I know that pain well and that feeling. All we can do is get back up on that horse at some stage.

 

I think what I've found is when there are options for someone ur interested in again things change and u hope u can learn from the past and get it right this time. I've done a lot of soul searching and were both at fault but I am also trying to identify the patterns and address these properly and not repeat the same pattern in the next one.

 

I have a few extra red flags wth woman I've learnt from this that's all we can do heal and give it another crack. I don't wanna be alone for ever either but I am making the most of being single for now going where I want when I want travelling where I want I'm trying to look at it from that perspective. Hang in there bro. Actually writing this thread helped tremdously. Like someone said to me fmget back up on that horse and give it another go haha I might go for a shemale next lol woman kinda scare me haha just kidding hang in there bro.

 

I wanted to add the other night I saw she'd updated her name on her fb profile yes I still stalk lol but she never posts anything that dramatic that hurts but the way shed framed her name made me think she hasn't really changed it came across as a party girl kinda hurt seeing that. I think wether u stalk or not on fb u eventually see it even if u been really disciplined and it catches up wth u times the best medicine eventually we let go

Edited September 3, 2017 by Goodguy05

[Reddice]

Just remember guys, that you are mourning the loss of a loved one. It just so happens to be someone that's still around. Don't be afraid of/ feel ashamed of your feelings. Be glad you actually still have them and that you haven't gone numb.

 

And don't make your age a big item. Sure, its true that at a certain age, you may have a harder time finding new love. Instead, just make sure you love yourself enough to face the world alone. Any partner that enters our life should be an addition to an awesome life and not the reason/ condition for it.

[Maldives]

Totally agree reddice. Especially the age thing and yes it's better as an addition rather than filling a void filling a void ur coming from a place of vulnerability and that can never be good.

 

I'm hopeful just keep moving forward and try again