turnerik Posted September 2, 2017 Posted September 2, 2017 I will be the first to admit I'm insecure and I'm working on it but tonight I'm just bothered. We were hanging out and I had to leave for work. She said she was probably going to go out with her friend drinking and dancing. She said she may swing dance with a guy. I wasn't thrilled but it's just a dance so I calmed myself down and let it go. We talked about my insecurities a little and said I know how guys operate. She understood and I feel I'm still wrong at this point. I told her I know she won't do anything with a guy but I do get worried about guys coming on to her. She's been assaulted before and said she's smarter now and wouldn't put herself in a position. Fast forward she's out at this bar and a guy talks her in to teaching her pool. They get to talking and she turns him down. I wasn't worried about her doing anything with him. Then the guy goes I have a puppy in my car. She told him he needs a new line or needs to take care of his dog. Her and her friend end up going out to his car to play with his dog. This is where I have a problem. She put herself in a ****ty spot with a guy who was obviously interested with her. I don't really know how to bring this up to her without coming off as untrusting.
CoolJoe Posted September 2, 2017 Posted September 2, 2017 I don't really know how to bring this up to her without coming off as untrusting. It's your life. At the end of the day, people treat you how you let them treat you. You hold the power to walk away if something is unhealthy/not good for you. 1
TheFinalWord Posted September 2, 2017 Posted September 2, 2017 I don't really know how to bring this up to her without coming off as untrusting. The more you try to control her, the more control you will lose.
Author turnerik Posted September 2, 2017 Author Posted September 2, 2017 Now she calls me at 4am drunk to tell me that the guy ended up driving her and her friends home. Then she tell me that her friend, male, is over and they are drinking together. She told me she was going out with her friend,female, that's it. Now she has a guy over at 4am. I've never felt so disrespected in my life.
Robratory Posted September 2, 2017 Posted September 2, 2017 I don't really know how to bring this up to her without coming off as untrusting. Don't worry about coming off as untrusting. It's not a trust issue. Nobody likes to see their boyfriend or girlfriend smiling and flirting with someone else, even if they know sex isn't going to happen. The flirting and the smiling are a form of cheating, even if it's not all the way. But what kind of relationship do you have with her? Have you agreed to be exclusive?
Author turnerik Posted September 2, 2017 Author Posted September 2, 2017 We are boyfriend girlfriend and in love
doyathinkso Posted September 2, 2017 Posted September 2, 2017 I am so sorry but you may be a boyfriend however she is not a girlfriend, and while you may be in love with her she is only in love with herself and playing the field.
d0nnivain Posted September 2, 2017 Posted September 2, 2017 It's her life. The line about the guy having a puppy in his car is something child molesters use to lure children. Given the fact that she was previously assaulted, I thought you were worried she was going to be a victim again. Still, they have to be her choices. If she is still putting herself in vulnerable positions -- getting in a car with some random guy after she'd been drinking -- there is no way you can stop that behavior. She has to want to stop. She really isn't being disrespectful of you. Disrespect to me implies an affirmative desire to defy or otherwise show somebody that they don't have authority over you. She just doesn't care or think. She wants to have fun & she makes bad decisions while under the influence. You still end up with egg on your face & feeling uncomfortable but her motives are not as mean as you think. Your GF is a flirty / social person. Her behavior puts her in a vulnerable position. For her safety I hope it doesn't come back to bite her & subject her to a second assault. Do you trust her? From what you described, I don't really see her even going down the slippery slope to cry "it just happened" after even so much as a consensual kiss. She spends too much time honestly updating you about her every move during the night. That still doesn't rule out an assault by the wrong guy. You can discuss your concerns about her bad choices & the vulnerable position she's putting herself in. Don't make it about her disrespecting you or the possibility of her cheating. Focus your discussion on safety. Unfortunately, I don't think it's going to change any time soon. She's having too much fun. Love doesn't enter into this equation. What are the odds that you can get a job that will free up your Friday nights so you can go out with her? I suspect if you were there, having fun with her, you'd have a lot less to worry about. She probably still would have played pool with some guy, gone to see the guy's puppy at the car, & possibly ended up drinking with another guy at 4 a.m. but it would all be right in front of you, showing that for her it was about fun not flirtation (even if the guys involved misperceived it). Still it's who she is & how she acts. If this upsets you, love may not be enough to keep you together. You are not going to magically turn her into a homebody.
elaine567 Posted September 2, 2017 Posted September 2, 2017 She is a 27yo divorcee who I guess is reliving some of her youth. The bit where she goes out, gets drunk and parties and gets male attention. She was probably stuck at home in some marriage and now she feels she is free and wants to have the fun she missed out on. The fact she was assaulted may mean she is testing the waters, seeing how far she can push risky behaviour and still be safe, so she knows where to place her boundaries. YOU cannot control anyone, if they are going to cheat they will cheat at 9am or 9pm or lunch time or midnight or 3am or 3pm, there is no special time reserved for cheating. If you cannot cope with her "wild" behaviour then go find yourself someone else. If you try to control her, SHE will eventually leave anyway. The trick with dating is to find someone who IS who you want them to be not someone who you can control and manipulate into being who you want them to be. They are who they are, people rarely change. 1
Redhead14 Posted September 2, 2017 Posted September 2, 2017 We are boyfriend girlfriend and in love It sounds like you're in love and consider her your girlfriend while she is still behaving like a single girl and living la vida loca . . .
elaine567 Posted September 2, 2017 Posted September 2, 2017 The line about the guy having a puppy in his car is something child molesters use to lure children.. Yes I thought that too, and why is he leaving a puppy in his car whilst he goes out drinking...
Gr8fuln2020 Posted September 2, 2017 Posted September 2, 2017 She's still a party girl. No bueno, my friend. I don't know if you are a party person, but drinking to have fun and get drunk is a sign of trouble and often leads to behavior and actions that people regret. It could be that in her inebriated state, her inhibitions dropped and that lead to her behavior, but that is not an excuse. It may be that you are dating someone who needs to be 'medicated' at times to feel good and THAT is also no bueno. You need to let her know that you didn't not feel comfortable with her behavior and explain why. Focus on how it made YOU feel and not be judgmental. Yes, it's her life, but she is sharing it with you and personal actions directly affect the other person, partner. You have a right and really, an obligation to let her know how you feel. Good luck.
d0nnivain Posted September 2, 2017 Posted September 2, 2017 simpleNfit makes valid points. But it doesn't discount the fact that Party People are party people. They are going to party, no matter what. So you either need to accept that this is how they are or you have to date people who don't do this because until the Party People want to stop that lifestyle no amount of cajoling will convince them. 1
Gr8fuln2020 Posted September 2, 2017 Posted September 2, 2017 simpleNfit makes valid points. But it doesn't discount the fact that Party People are party people. They are going to party, no matter what. So you either need to accept that this is how they are or you have to date people who don't do this because until the Party People want to stop that lifestyle no amount of cajoling will convince them. Absolutely. I would never date someone who enjoys partying and drinking to the point of drunkenness and never have. It simply minimizes the complications by avoiding such people.
Recommended Posts