Pull-Back Phase or Lost Interest?

[coffeegrl]

Hi all. I am a new member here. Here's some background. Met a nice man on an online dating site in mid-June. After chatting on there for a week and a half, we exchanged phone numbers and then, at the two week mark of meeting online, we met in person for a date. Things went well and we continued to talk and see each. At the end of July, we became an official couple after discussing that neither he nor I were interested in meeting or getting to know other people. Looking back, I think we jumped to being 'a couple' a little too soon.

 

Anyway, things were going fine, then a week ago, he told me that his doctor recently prescribed some anti-anxiety meds for him and they were making his mood weird and his emotions go up and down a lot. He cancelled the plans we had made to see each other that weekend, as he didn't think he would be good company.

 

Ever since then, I feel like he's really pulled back on his interest in me. He will respond sometimes if I text him, but, oddly enough, he hasn't answered any direct question that I've asked him about how he's doing. One part of my brain says that he truly does just need time to let this medication settle in his system and help get him back on track with his moods. Another part of me is thinking that he's lost interest and he's just using this as an excuse.

 

I did text him today and tell him that I got a promotion at work and he still seems willing to help me with the purchase of a big-ticket item I was going to buy if I got this promotion. And when I say 'seems willing' I mean, I directly told him that I would appreciate his help with this purchase and he said 'sure thing.'

 

Any thoughts on what's going on?

 

Thanks in advance!

[act00]

There is no "pull-back phase." You work a relationship because you're invested in this person or you don't because it's not a priority. There isn't a lot of gray area here. Could someone define "pullback phase"? Never heard of it. Is there a general timeline on when this happens?

 

I think the proof is in the pudding here, and it's time to drop the rope. He's just not that into you. Yes, he did agree, if not initiate, that he wants to be exclusive. It's not too soon if this is something everyone is on board with, but it could very well be he has been having second thoughts on this, particularly if he was in agreement to your preference. You yourself state "too soon," so it makes me think there's some reservation or something isn't "quite right" with this decision, and this could be you subconsciously recognizing he was never 100% on board with this (or you)...he's more concerned about you not pursuing other men, but he doesn't want to put that restriction on himself. Personally, I don't think it's too soon to agree to just be exclusive to each other while you get to know each other, but it also seems like this label of boyfriend/girlfriend or exclusivity can be quite the noose on a new relationship in some people's minds.

 

Yes, it could also be his health issues are throwing a major wrench in things, and he'll come around when the medication issue, side effects, etc., even out and he feels better. Or it's just an excuse. If he has major anxiety issues that require medication, it is quite possible he's having a hard time coping with life in general, let alone a romantic relationship. Yes, he could come around, and yes, you could be supportive and patient and wait it out...question if it's worth it. A new relationship shouldn't have this much crap attached to it.

 

The bottom line is he's not around and he's not putting in a lot of effort to appease you or work this relationship. Your relationship is extremely new and it is a little early to be tossing a lot of issues in a new person's lap, but the thing is, he shouldn't be dating if he's having this much difficulty coping with life issues and stresses, and he can certainly communicate with you what is going on, especially since he let you in on the fact he needs anxiety medication in the first place.

 

Instead, he's just pretty much dropping off the planet. You have reached out on multiple occasions with little response or reciprocation, and I think it's time you take the hint and move on. He's just not into you. If you look back on this experience 6 months from now or a year, you can look back knowing you tried and he was a dick. Whether he's just not into you or he's just in a bad place mentally, he's pushed you away and doesn't really hold you in any high level of importance. Accept this reality and move on. Make your major life purchase alone or with another friend and get on with your life and stop messaging him. You have reached out...hints abound he's not into you...let him go.

 

He'll probably come sniffing back around at some point, and at that point you'll have to decide if you're willing to give it another go or not...and I think not...but if you decide to see if it was just a "glitch in the system," don't allow yourself to get too invested and just see how things go, one date at a time.

 

He's too unstable, IMO.

[coffeegrl]

There is no "pull-back phase." You work a relationship because you're invested in this person or you don't because it's not a priority. There isn't a lot of gray area here. Could someone define "pullback phase"? Never heard of it. Is there a general timeline on when this happens?

 

Some may call this the 'uncertainty' phase, if you're a follower of John Gray and his Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus philosophy. I've seen it also referred to as the pull-back phase and I thought that might be a better phrase to use on these boards, since this isn't a Mars/Venus message board. You can just Google 'John Gray uncertainty stage' and you'll get hits on what this is, if you're interested in finding out what the thinking/philosophy is, in more detail.

 

In general, John Gray calls it a time when the man (generally speaking) pulls back from a woman and takes some time to consider whether or not he really wants to pursue anything exclusive with one particular woman or not. According to him, this is something every new dating relationship goes through and it can either be very minor (the woman may not even know he's questioning anything) to very major (the man disappears off the face of the earth and won't even give a courtesy reply to the simplest of text messages).

 

From what you say in your post, I have a feeling you are more of a "He's Just Not That Into You" believer than a Mars/Venus believer. Not a judgement, just an observation.

 

Thanks for your response, and have a good weekend.

 

ETA: This phase, if you're a believer in this thinking/philosophy, while it can happen at anytime typically happens in the first few months.

Edited September 2, 2017 by coffeegrl

[No_Go]

How long can this stage last?

 

I feel like in your situation is more likely to be related to his health problems. I have a friend on strong anti anxiety medications and when I saw him... He was nothing like he used to be before. He was just ... sluggish and tired. Maybe your guy is going through something like this.

 

Some may call this the 'uncertainty' phase, if you're a follower of John Gray and his Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus philosophy. I've seen it also referred to as the pull-back phase and I thought that might be a better phrase to use on these boards, since this isn't a Mars/Venus message board. You can just Google 'John Gray uncertainty stage' and you'll get hits on what this is, if you're interested in finding out what the thinking/philosophy is, in more detail.

 

In general, John Gray calls it a time when the man (generally speaking) pulls back from a woman and takes some time to consider whether or not he really wants to pursue anything exclusive with one particular woman or not. According to him, this is something every new dating relationship goes through and it can either be very minor (the woman may not even know he's questioning anything) to very major (the man disappears off the face of the earth and won't even give a courtesy reply to the simplest of text messages).

 

From what you say in your post, I have a feeling you are more of a "He's Just Not That Into You" believer than a Mars/Venus believer. Not a judgement, just an observation.

 

Thanks for your response, and have a good weekend.

 

ETA: This phase, if you're a believer in this thinking/philosophy, while it can happen at anytime typically happens in the first few months.

[coffeegrl]

How long can this stage last?

 

I feel like in your situation is more likely to be related to his health problems. I have a friend on strong anti anxiety medications and when I saw him... He was nothing like he used to be before. He was just ... sluggish and tired. Maybe your guy is going through something like this.

 

Hi and thanks for your reply. As for how long the stage can last, I've never been able to find a definitive time frame for this. For some, it might be a couple weeks, for others, it might last 'forever' or long enough where the woman gives up and lets the man go herself, even if he were to come back around.

 

If he hadn't told me about going on anti-anxiety meds, I would have been more inclined to think that he had just lost interest. (If he has truly lost interest and is just using this as an excuse or, heaven forbid, just made up this information as his excuse, at least he's stepping outside the box of "I'm just super busy right now.") Last time he said anything about his meds, he said that he's been really up and down, but he hopes with a little more time, the meds will level out. My counselor even said that it typically takes 30 days or so for the particular meds he's on to go through their phase of messing with mood and emotions and then finally leveling out.

 

Yes, I am taking the time to evaluate how I feel about this situation, knowing full well that IF he comes back, him being on these meds will change the dynamic of our relationship. And yes, there's the chance "he's just not that into me." At this point, I don't know one way or the other.

 

Thanks for your message and I hope things get better for your friend.

 

ETA: This all started just one week ago. So, it's not like I've been chasing after this guy for weeks or months. If that was the case, then yes, I would say that I need to just let him go and move on. But one week, especially if the anxiety issues are real? I feel like that's just not long enough to make a judgment call, at this time, as to whether this is issues he needs to work through or he's lost interest.

Edited September 2, 2017 by coffeegrl

[No_Go]

Don't make a judgement call just yet. your counselor is right it can take a month. My friend that I mentioned I think is slowly getting better (heck participating in triathlon!) but it has taken a while. Btw do you know what caused his anxiety? There maybe more in the story that you know? Did you have sex with him before he got weird?

 

So I've recently had story (very long thread) with a guy like yours. I think I scared him off with asking him out twice after him starting to pull back. TBH I'd be curiously watching how your situation develops... I still feel very bummed that I messed up the things with my guy by not giving him enough space because it was really magnetic connection.

 

Take things slow. No expectations, one day at a time (in my case he'd return every time i felt hopeless). Maybe it is something temporary. Time will tell.

 

 

Hi and thanks for your reply. As for how long the stage can last, I've never been able to find a definitive time frame for this. For some, it might be a couple weeks, for others, it might last 'forever' or long enough where the woman gives up and lets the man go herself, even if he were to come back around.

 

If he hadn't told me about going on anti-anxiety meds, I would have been more inclined to think that he had just lost interest. (If he has truly lost interest and is just using this as an excuse or, heaven forbid, just made up this information as his excuse, at least he's stepping outside the box of "I'm just super busy right now.") Last time he said anything about his meds, he said that he's been really up and down, but he hopes with a little more time, the meds will level out. My counselor even said that it typically takes 30 days or so for the particular meds he's on to go through their phase of messing with mood and emotions and then finally leveling out.

 

Yes, I am taking the time to evaluate how I feel about this situation, knowing full well that IF he comes back, him being on these meds will change the dynamic of our relationship. And yes, there's the chance "he's just not that into me." At this point, I don't know one way or the other.

 

Thanks for your message and I hope things get better for your friend.

 

ETA: This all started just one week ago. So, it's not like I've been chasing after this guy for weeks or months. If that was the case, then yes, I would say that I need to just let him go and move on. But one week, especially if the anxiety issues are real? I feel like that's just not long enough to make a judgment call, at this time, as to whether this is issues he needs to work through or he's lost interest.

[coffeegrl]

Btw do you know what caused his anxiety? There maybe more in the story that you know? Did you have sex with him before he got weird?

 

Thanks for your response. No, I don't know what caused his anxiety. He just said that his doctor prescribed some meds for him to help calm his anxiety and over-thinking. And yes, I'm sure there is way more to this story than I know about. What I know from the few psychology and counseling classes I took through my undergraduate and graduate careers, anxiety rarely pops up overnight. My guess is, he had been having some anxiety all along and, possibly, this new relationship just triggered it into overdrive, causing him to seek help. (Which I applaud him for. A lot of people, especially men it seems, won't seek help for mental issues. They don't want to be seen as 'sick' or 'weak'.)

 

I do know that he seems to have some self-esteem issues. That, coupled with anxiety, could cause somebody to have quite the mental gymnastics.

 

Also, no, we have not had sex. All we have done is kiss, cuddle, and we did both take our shirts off and he got a little boob action. (God, I sound like such a 15 year old, right now. LOL) But no, sex has not happened.

[No_Go]

Good, so it doesn't seem like he's pulling away after intimacy (I suspected in might be that).

 

I guess now it is the waiting game from your end... Let some time pass. If you don't pressure him and scare him like I did with my guy, he will be back sooner than later.

 

Thanks for your response. No, I don't know what caused his anxiety. He just said that his doctor prescribed some meds for him to help calm his anxiety and over-thinking. And yes, I'm sure there is way more to this story than I know about. What I know from the few psychology and counseling classes I took through my undergraduate and graduate careers, anxiety rarely pops up overnight. My guess is, he had been having some anxiety all along and, possibly, this new relationship just triggered it into overdrive, causing him to seek help. (Which I applaud him for. A lot of people, especially men it seems, won't seek help for mental issues. They don't want to be seen as 'sick' or 'weak'.)

 

I do know that he seems to have some self-esteem issues. That, coupled with anxiety, could cause somebody to have quite the mental gymnastics.

 

Also, no, we have not had sex. All we have done is kiss, cuddle, and we did both take our shirts off and he got a little boob action. (God, I sound like such a 15 year old, right now. LOL) But no, sex has not happened.

[coffeegrl]

I guess now it is the waiting game from your end

 

Yes, and that is the hard part. As stated by an earlier poster, he may just not be into me and this was the perfect way to slowly fade away. Or he may just need some time to adjust.

 

I will keep this updated with any developments that occur.

 

Any members who read this, I'm still very much open to responses. :-)

Edited September 2, 2017 by coffeegrl