thatsme123 Posted August 12, 2005 Posted August 12, 2005 My ex and I were together for about a year and a half. After he broke up with me, we had 3 weeks of NC and he contacted me, and then we tried being "just friends" with benefits, but a month later he told me that he didn't think I could handle it and he basically left me again with NC. So it has been 4 months of NC...he is going to start his freshman year of college soon, I'll be going into my sophomore year. Our schools are quite close (I'll be in the city, he'll be in a nearby suburb). So I'm sure many of you know about the Facebook website. He joined at the end of July...and tonight, I check my profile and see that he has requested to be my friend. Which just shocked me...like, my jaw hit the floor. I mean, this is after not seeing each other or talking to each other for four months...he was the one that didn't want anything to do with me. I would like to say that I'm over him...I think for the most part I am, I have moved on in a great way and I'm looking forward to expanding my horizens and not being with him. However, I feel like if I decline his request (and he will know if I do), then I'll just look like a bitter bitch who hasn't moved on. On the other hand, if I accept, then it might give in to what he wants, which is my attention and interest. I mean, either way, no matter what I decide, he will know I have seen his request. I just think its a cowardly way of getting my attention, because with the facebook, you dont have to communicate with the person directly. Its not like on IM where the other person is right there in real time, or on the phone or in person. I think it was just so cowardly of him to do it this way. And I'm confused. I don't know what to do, because part of me feels bad for him. I have looked back and accepted the fact that its not his fault that hes an infantile boy who isnt ready for a relationship. On the other hand, the way he ended things with me really hurt me...BADLY. I don't think he feels that way, but I do. Its just so hard because he WAS my best friend. I was so in love with him, and I still do wish him the best (I guess, in the back of my mind I do, heh). While I do miss him as my friend, I don't think we can ever really be friends because I will always harbor resentment towards him, and if hes back in my life, even just as a freaking FACEBOOK friend, he will still be there somehow. And I don't want to backtrack and start thinking about him all the time and god forbid start ruminating again. Its just so confusing because of these extreme conflicting thoughts. I don't know what to do you guys! Any advice will be appreciated! Thanks!
Pyro Posted August 12, 2005 Posted August 12, 2005 Hi thatsme123 Its pretty obvious that he wants you back. You mentioned above that he said that you couldn't handle being just friends. Was that his judgement or yours? i believe that he only said that because he met someone else. Now that relationship didn't last, he is coming back to you. He is just being selfish. Saying no to him will NOT make you look like a b$tch in the least bit. Ignore him and move on with your life. It will only make you look weak if you go back with him. Best of luck to you.
Author thatsme123 Posted August 12, 2005 Author Posted August 12, 2005 Honestly, I don't think it was that he met someone else. Things were really bad by the end of our relationship, I was in an EXTREME depression and was very clingy to him. I was also a VERY jealous girlfriend, and he was right, I couldn't handle being friends with benefits. But I feel like he was very cold in the way he went about everything, and he confused me so much. He told me how he wanted to spend "a lot of time with his friends this summer" because they were going to different colleges and stuff, and I said "I'm going to a different college too, and I won't be seeing you just like they won't" and his response was: "well, I feel like we've already spent so much time together." He just genuinely wasn't ready for a relationship, and I can see that now. I really don't think there was another specific person involved...and I don't think he wants me back either. I mean, its just the facebook, you know! If he wanted me back, wouldnt he go about contacting me in a better way? Do you think him requesting me just to be his Facebook friend is his way of seeing if I've "forgiven" him or that I don't have hard feelings anymore, just so maybe his guilt can lessen? Also, another interesting thing is that I think he saw me walking yesterday with my mom, and that would have been the first time he had seen me all summer (granted, he was driving in his car, but he got a pretty good view of me). And then suddenly today I see he is looking at my AIM profile (I have a thing that tracks who visits it) and he requests to be my friend on the facebook. I'm just confused by it all!
Rocko Posted August 12, 2005 Posted August 12, 2005 Facebook is just his way of being able to keep tabs on you in some fashion or the other. Have you really talked to him about why you and him broke up? Was it because he was just entering college and wanted some freedom? I can't really comment on anything else because I don't really know the nature of your relationship at all..
Pyro Posted August 12, 2005 Posted August 12, 2005 It depends on the person. Some are just afraid to be bold and just ask straight up "will you take me back?" If he really wanted you back, he would try alot harder to talk to you than leave you a message on your facebook profile IMHO. Do you really want to be with someone who has to ask you to take them back in a cowardly way?
Author thatsme123 Posted August 12, 2005 Author Posted August 12, 2005 I mean it could have been that reason, Rocko. I think he wanted more freedom and as I said, he wasnt ready for a relationship, and he wanted to do the things he used to do before he was with me...oh yeah, I guess I should mention we were each others first relationship. So it was new for both of us. My sister said I should just accept his request so I don't look like a bitter bitch and it will seem like I don't care, but my best friend said I should NOT accept it, because I shouldn't have to agree to be facebook friends with my ex-boyfriend just to show that I'm over him. I got to see his profile because he was the one that made the request, but he hasn't seen my profile. God...this is such junior high-ish drama...I know I'm making this into a bigger deal than it is. It's just that I've never gone through this before so I don't really know how to approach this., Riddler: I knew BEFORE he requested to be my Facebook friend that I didn't want to be with him. I know that it will NOT work out between us. I want to experience college! My freshman year, I made NO friends because I just devoted myself to him. He was my life. I basically lost my identity. And it was my fault, I'm not blaming him. I just know that it wouldn't be healthy to be back with him as a girlfriend. And it sucks, because I really do miss his friendship, but I don't think we can have a friendship without being together physically in some sort (as in, friends with benefits or as in girlfriend/boyfriend).
Rocko Posted August 12, 2005 Posted August 12, 2005 Its most definetly that reason. I'm willing to bet you're completely right about him not being ready for a relationship, which is a direct indication about maturity level. Sometimes relationships work really well but end because of a difference in maturity levels. I, like you, am a sophomore college student and I really do think that the first year in college teaches you a LOT. When I first went into college, I had imagined how wonderful it would be to live on my own, set my own rules, and in general govern the way I acted. You learn quickly in the first few weeks that life isn't so easy . I think most relationships (that are serious) at this point in our lives break up because of differences in maturity level, and not because of other reasons. I think him making you his Facebook friend is just his way of saying "I still have feelings for you." In any case, enjoy college and date other guys so you can see what you want in life. He's going to do the same before anything else could possibly happen.
Author thatsme123 Posted August 12, 2005 Author Posted August 12, 2005 Yeah, you are DEFINITELY right about maturity level. Him and I are just on completely different pages in terms of maturity. Which is normal I suppose...I mean, he is an 18 year old boy! He meant so much to me. He will always mean something to me, as he was my first love. I just don't know how I feel about all of this. I feel like this is his way of regaining control or something, showing that he has power over me. So...should I accept or decline? Haha, I can't decide! (btw, thanks for the advice you guys. I really do appreciate it.)
Rocko Posted August 12, 2005 Posted August 12, 2005 "Facebook Friends" is nothing more than a web pattern of people you acknowledge. I mean, my Facebook web includes random people I don't really know that well, but am "Friends" with because they just wanted to increase their list! IMHO, I would just forgive and make him a friend. It says a lot about your character (the forgiving type). If he really makes a mess of your "Wall" then just cut him off. If he acts irregular or possessive cut him off. You really have nothing to lose by making him your "Facebook Friend." I'll be honest though, and warn you that someday he may have "Dating" or "In a Relationship" on the "Status" Part. Just letting you know, so you can make a decision on whether to have some sort of contact with him or not.
Author thatsme123 Posted August 12, 2005 Author Posted August 12, 2005 Yeah, I was thinking about that part. I don't really want to see what he is up to, you know? I don't know if having him as my facebook friend will be a big temptation in wanting to see if he is dating someone...I know that I get jealous VERY easily. On the other hand, I was thinking maybe he only wants to see my profile just to see if I'M dating someone.
Recommended Posts