My best friend is dating my ex wife

[NateNathanV]

I ended up having a long chat, but not with him, with her!

She surprised me by showing up at mine with the property details to confirm the house going on the market tomorrow, she wanted to make a change to the selling price.

 

Give or take it played out like:

 

Her: "Are you alright?"

Me: "I'm fine!"

"NateNathanV I am still, for the moment, your wife - I know when you're lying!"

 

I started crying which I think probably surprised us both equally!!! I just told her, everything, probably too much - that I feel really low, that I'm struggling with her and reggie...

 

"Nate, I don't understand, this is what you wanted! You wanted your freedom back and you've got it, you can do whatever you want now"

"But I don't know what I want! I put my whole life into you and me, and that house and our future"

"You think I don't know how that feels!? That was everything I wanted, and I never understood at the time why it went wrong but I had to rebuild a life for myself and you have to do the same! Your 29 not 49, you can do anything you want and it doesn't matter that you don't know what that is right this instant, that's a good thing, because you need to make sure this time that it's right for you and not just something you think you should do!! It's like Reggie right, he's brave enough to charter his own life he doesn't follow any set path..."

"- how can he be the love of your life?"

"Huh?"

"Your FB, you said he's the love of your life, you haven't even been with him a year"

"Nate, nothing ever takes away from what we had, nothing changes what our marriage meant to me. But whatever we did right or wrong - it's in the past now! I love him, he's nothing like what I thought I wanted but for the first time in a long time I don't feel like I'm having to force the pieces to fit, they just do! You have to stop beating yourself up Nate, you were right to end it even if I didn't think that at the time - we were both miserable, I only realise that now!"

"This isn't like I rebound thing though is it? Because he really loves you Lauren!"

"Ah man you guys are insane! And - you don't have to worry about me hurting him! I know it's all a bit fast but I don't care, I'm so sick of all these stupid rules: X amount of years before you move in and X amount of years before you marry... I did all that, I stuck to the schedule and It got me where?? I'm so sick of playing safe al the time and getting hurt anyway! So this time I'm taking a leaf from his book, I'm just doing what feels right, and this feels right! These last couple of years Ive built up so many insecurities and trust issues and I just feel it all fading away with him, I feel like I can just be me, and me is enough! He makes me laugh, a lot. He loves life and he makes me love life. He's quite touchy as well and you know that's not me so at first I found it a bit like much but now I swear like if he doesn't have his arm around me I'm like 'dude, what's wrong'!..."

"...Okay, okay, TMI"

*she hit me with a cushion*

"your not the only one who made mistakes in our marriage Nate.. so this time I don't want to steal his freedom, I don't want to change him, I don't want us to be Mr & Mrs perfect, I don't want to make him anything that he's not! I just want to love him! And I'm sorry if I pushed us into a life that was never what you wanted! So you can officially stop beating yourself up, I get it!"

"Thanks"

"you know he wants to adopt? not now but in a year or so"

"Yeah he told me"

"He wants to call the kid 'Wolf'"

"Haha boy or girl?"

"Pfftt either probably *rolleyes* "

"Well, you'll be a great mum lauren! Honestly no one could love a kid more! .....little Wolfie will be lucky to have you ;)"

"Hahah f*** off! My child will not be called Wolf!"

 

Her: "look me and him we were going camping in snowdonia next weekend - you should go instead - he wants to take Max or whatever he calls the car to the mountains"

Me: *laughing* Manx [/] it's the name of the car, Manx dualsport, not Max"

"See, this stuffs way more your bag than mine! Go make it a boys trip"

"But I thought you had a new found love for camping!?"

"I do actually like it! Plus I've encountered less spiders camping than I have on the bloody houseboat! Haha!! I made breakfast the other day and then stepped out the kitchen back door and stood on a half eaten dead fish!! Experiences like that change a girl!!!:laugh:"

Her: "I'm serious though! You should go, and for god sake talk to him! What you have is too special to throw away over little old me!!!"

 

I feel, Im glad we talked, i feel like maybe i can put to bed some old issues regarding my marriage now and try to move on afresh.

I think maybe I will go camping and just talk to him, away from everything else. I feel like if i can have a positive conversation with her then i must be able to have a positive conversation with him!

[Shepp]

Maybe, but I just dont know where to start working out what it is i want!

This is where you need to put your energy bro! Even if you dont know what you want maybe you can make a plan for figuring out what you want - try some new things, maybe try some counselling, maybe take a trip or something.

 

For what its worth i think its good you spoke to your ex, she sounds like a nice gal and if it allows you to let go of some guilt that you're holding onto then that can only be a good thing! Hopefully as well her and him may tone down the whole happy couples thing a little!

[SpecialJ]

This whole situation is kind of bittersweet sad that will probably end up okay because it doesn't sound like anyone ever set out to be a jerk, and you all care...

 

You sound like you need to figure out your life (as the other posters said), because you were with your ex for most of it and I think you just underestimated how much a big change like that in itself impacts a person over a long period of time. It really sounds to me like you guys got together too young before you were entirely sure of who you were and what you wanted (YOU still don't know), you both didn't have the right communication or self-awareness tools yet (that's normal, when you're not as experienced in those areas due to youth or whatever reason), and you grew apart instead of together.

 

Since you're pretty sure you're over her, you're just not yet over the failure of the marriage, it's nice that she gave you some of this closure. That you didn't ruin her life, she'll be okay, but she's going through the same thing as you. She had to rebuild and keep growing, and that's why she's been changing and isn't the same exact wife you knew. She may be doing it faster because she understands one of her life priorities, to be a mom, and things just happened to be working out in that direction so it APPEARS she's moving ahead faster than you. That doesn't mean it wasn't also hard for her to get there, and I'm glad she's kind enough to tell you it didn't invalidate your prior relationship at all.

 

Reggie doesn't sound like a bad guy either. I would recommend you tell him you need some space to sort yourself out, not to get offended, but you're going to find a therapist or someone to talk to and you'll reach out to him when you're ready (or, alternatively, you can suggest some kind of lower contact more distant relationship for just a few months while you're figuring yourself out, where you're not hearing much about his relationship). She's right, you're totally young enough to figure out who you are, start over, and find what makes you happy, but you need some space and focus to do it. Good luck, and consider yourself lucky that you DO have two people who sound like they care about you so much. When you're feeling like yourself again and have moved on from the failure of the marriage, I bet you will feel lucky to still have them around... it just may take a while so be patient with yourself!

[ThorntonMelon]

So I would say this:

 

He may have asked your permission to date your wife, and that's all well and good, and I actually know circumstances that this has worked out, but you have EVERY right to distance yourself from him. He knows the risk his choices made. Not that he's doing wrong, but you don't have to sit idly by and take it. You can choose to invest in someone else. Just because you've had great memories does not require you to stare at this forever.

 

Give yourself some space from this before you have any more talks with anyone.

[Chi townD]

Sorry to say this dude. But, you need to distance yourself from them. It sucks, you lose a wife and a best friend, but this is too much even if you are on good terms. If it wasn't a big deal and everything was fine, you wouldn't be on this site.

 

You need to distance yourself. Hell, move away if you can.

[NateNathanV]

You sound like you need to figure out your life (as the other posters said), because you were with your ex for most of it and I think you just underestimated how much a big change like that in itself impacts a person over a long period of time.

This is just, like, so true i just dont even know how to express it!!

I wanted the break up and i still believe deep down it was the right thing to do - for both of us (maybe apparently even for all three of us!!) But i'd been with the girl since i was 16, i thought i was all adult and independent and had life figured out, and i had no idea just how much that relationship had provided me with and still provided me with! I never realised how much id miss that security and comfort, or how much id miss her companionship - her advice, her good-morning-coffee, her hogging of the TV remote (Its not so much fun watching The Great British Bake Off every week when you have no one to moan to for "forcing you to watch it").

I wasnt "in-love" with her anymore but i didnt realise how much id miss just having her in my life, if that makes sense!

 

It really sounds to me like you guys got together too young before you were entirely sure of who you were and what you wanted (YOU still don't know), you both didn't have the right communication or self-awareness tools yet (that's normal, when you're not as experienced in those areas due to youth or whatever reason), and you grew apart instead of together.

This is kinda what i said to her when i ended it but i think back then it was empty words (though i didnt know it at the time) that i only really understand now!

I think maybe she did know even then what she wanted but i didnt, and like you say still dont! I dont think i know properly who NateNathanV is without everyone else in his life telling him who he is!

 

I've been thinking recently about like if i hadnt been there would they have been together all these years? Would they have been happier? ...But i know the answer is probably not! I know teenager lauren wouldnt of considered him, he was too unconventional, too different from the norm! And he wouldnt of been happy with her, I mean nowadays he does want what she wants, marriage, a family, even if he has his own way of actually doing it, BUT teenage reggie, wanted to go on adventures, pack up and see the world, meet different people and work different jobs and live in different places, he wanted freedom.

So i can sit back from the outside and see how everything that has happed has changed those people, and made them grow, and made them able to fit together now, and be happy together now.... and that i was a part of that..... and that makes me know that surely i must have undergone the same process! Surely I must have grown, and changed, and surely that must be for something, it must lead me to something! I just don't know what yet!

 

Since you're pretty sure you're over her, you're just not yet over the failure of the marriage,

I think this is nail on the head!!

 

it's nice that she gave you some of this closure. That you didn't ruin her life, she'll be okay, but she's going through the same thing as you. She had to rebuild and keep growing, and that's why she's been changing and isn't the same exact wife you knew. She may be doing it faster because she understands one of her life priorities, to be a mom, and things just happened to be working out in that direction so it APPEARS she's moving ahead faster than you. That doesn't mean it wasn't also hard for her to get there, and I'm glad she's kind enough to tell you it didn't invalidate your prior relationship at all.

Yeah true true!! I think i've been living with a lot of guilt for a long time and i need to just let that go now!

 

Reggie doesn't sound like a bad guy either. I would recommend you tell him you need some space to sort yourself out, not to get offended, but you're going to find a therapist or someone to talk to and you'll reach out to him when you're ready (or, alternatively, you can suggest some kind of lower contact more distant relationship for just a few months while you're figuring yourself out, where you're not hearing much about his relationship).

Yeah he's a great guy, he is my best friend so he should be able to understand! I think i am struggling with losing her from my life, and i think im not ready to lose him from him from my life as well! I think its just too much and its like sending me into panic mode! So I just need to talk to him, and tell him like that i need to take a little bit a step back, and i do want him as my best mate, but im just not ready to be so involved with 'him and her' and hear about their lives together, and plans, and that!

 

she's right, you're totally young enough to figure out who you are, start over, and find what makes you happy, but you need some space and focus to do it. Good luck, and consider yourself lucky that you DO have two people who sound like they care about you so much. When you're feeling like yourself again and have moved on from the failure of the marriage, I bet you will feel lucky to still have them around... it just may take a while so be patient with yourself!

Yeah, I know, I know! Thank you!!!

[NateNathanV]

He knows the risk his choices made.

I'm not totally sure he does to be honest! He sees things differently from other people! Maybe im doing him a disservice but im not sure he'd even have considered that in the long term i might not be able to cope with the situation the way it is.

 

Not that he's doing wrong, but you don't have to sit idly by and take it. You can choose to invest in someone else. Just because you've had great memories does not require you to stare at this forever.

Yeah i know!

I just dont know how much change I can deal with!

And he's more than my friend, he's my brother, i trust him more than anyone on the planet, im just, not ready, to call time on that.

 

 

 

 

I think like...... 9 months ago, if id told him 'no dont date her, i cant deal with that' he wouldnt have, no questions asked, i believe that! But if i told him now 'i cant deal with you dating her' i know he wouldnt walk away from her.

And i would never ever ask him too! But i think that does demonstrate a change in dynamic, for us, which i guess takes getting used too! Its the first time ive ever known him so serious about a girl!!

 

And i think its also a change in dynamic because ive always been the more settled one! From about 5 years old i've been the more settled one!!!! (His lifes always been a bit of a hurricane) And now im not! Now he is! And i guess that takes getting used to too!

[Cali408]

When Eric Clapton started dating George Harrison's ex wife Patti, George was quoted as saying, "I'd rather see her date him than some dope."

 

It's his problem now.

 

Ah The Eskimo Brotherhood....