***update*** We met and talked

[weeble78]

You are a single mother. There isn't a tougher job than that really. But, you're doing it, aren't you? You're tougher than you think. Kick your own ass

 

Ha ha Redhead, you've made me laugh out loud. Lots has happened this year but I'm still hanging in there and my little girl is kicking ass too. She got through her father leaving and moving house and nursery and is still smiling so I can hopefully take some of the credit for that and know I'm at least a good mum.

 

I will absolutely kick my own ass. I need to remember that whatever behaviour I display, I would have to be happy with her doing the same behaviour. Would I be happy with her running after a guy who isn't kicking the door down to apologise and treat her like the little queen that she is? No way. And if it's not good enough for my daughter it's sure not good enough for me.

[Zahara]

Well he let me find my way back to feelings again. He'd be happy to talk about emotions and life. My ex husband refused to acknowledge the fact I had feelings, even when my mum was diagnosed with a terminal illness. This guy always listened to me, we'd spend hours every night talking on video chat, even cooking together. Just normal boring stuff but I never got bored.

 

It takes much more than that to be that someone in your life. Yes, he was a good listener and you both had some things in common. Those are just basics. There were no core values, nor a strong foundation for this to stand on.

 

Maybe because you lacked the loving kindness and nurturing from your ex-husband, you've now magnified the little that this guy has given you and you've put him way up there. I've been where you are -- this was not the guy for you.

 

Man that is so painful to read. So painful. But real. And I think I'll keep reading it to keep it in my head. I asked him last night what would be so terrible about letting me in because I happen to think I'd only bring in lovely positive things to his life. It makes me sad that I'm not good enough for him.

 

I'm sorry it hurts you so much. I've been in relationships with men like him. We often project -- you can't love them out of their issues. It's not about you and your worth. It's them and the issues that prevent them from being vulnerable and open to love. They don't see and feel what you do. It's not positive to him when he has no ability to be receptive towards it emotionally and mentally.

 

We want them to want what we do and we want them to realize that it could be great but they're in a completely different mindset.

 

Imagine the roles reversed. And you're emotionally unavailable to someone or not as interested. No matter how much they tried to talk you in to it, would you change your mind?

[Redhead14]

Ha ha Redhead, you've made me laugh out loud. Lots has happened this year but I'm still hanging in there and my little girl is kicking ass too. She got through her father leaving and moving house and nursery and is still smiling so I can hopefully take some of the credit for that and know I'm at least a good mum.

 

I will absolutely kick my own ass. I need to remember that whatever behaviour I display, I would have to be happy with her doing the same behaviour. Would I be happy with her running after a guy who isn't kicking the door down to apologise and treat her like the little queen that she is? No way. And if it's not good enough for my daughter it's sure not good enough for me.

 

Exactly, 20 years from now, your daughter comes to you with the story you're telling us . . . what will you tell her?

[weeble78]

It takes much more than that to be that someone in your life. Yes, he was a good listener and you both had some things in common. Those are just basics. There were no core values, nor a strong foundation for this to stand on.

 

Maybe because you lacked the loving kindness and nurturing from your ex-husband, you've now magnified the little that this guy has given you and you've put him way up there. I've been where you are -- this was not the guy for you.

 

 

 

I'm sorry it hurts you so much. I've been in relationships with men like him. We often project -- you can't love them out of their issues. It's not about you and your worth. It's them and the issues that prevent them from being vulnerable and open to love. They don't see and feel what you do. It's not positive to him when he has no ability to be receptive towards it emotionally and mentally.

 

We want them to want what we do and we want them to realize that it could be great but they're in a completely different mindset.

 

Imagine the roles reversed. And you're emotionally unavailable to someone or not as interested. No matter how much they tried to talk you in to it, would you change your mind?

 

Thank you for your kind kind words. I guess because we started as friends and he then apparently found me so amazing he backtracked on his single life for me and couldn't resist trying to start a relationship, I guess that made me feel like a wonderful person to change someone so much. So maybe it's my insecurities that now he no longer thinks I'm amazing enough to break through his issues for. That's on me really.

 

I met someone recently who was very into me and I wasn't interested, but they started questioning me so I was upfront and closed it off straight away. This is why I find this a difficult situation. Obviously he's different to me and I understand that everyone is different. I guess at the end of the day I'm finding it hard to accept that it's' likely he's just not as into me as he thought he was. He was so excited about things once he'd finally made up his mind, Id not been that happy for years.

 

Thanks for helping, I can keep coming back to this and re-reading to keep me on the straight and narrow. You're both lovely people for helping.

[weeble78]

Exactly, 20 years from now, your daughter comes to you with the story you're telling us . . . what will you tell her?

 

That no man who treats her like this is worth her time. I'm hoping to meet somebody who will display the behaviour of a person I wish my daughter to end up happy with. Anybody who doesn't believe themselves lucky to be with her (and that's assuming she grows up to be a lovely individual!) and isn't willing to make their relationship or her a priority will not be good enough for her. Trouble is I've always been in relationships where I come last. I'm trying to understand why and change this so I model a better relationship for her.

[Zahara]

Thank you for your kind kind words. I guess because we started as friends and he then apparently found me so amazing he backtracked on his single life for me and couldn't resist trying to start a relationship, I guess that made me feel like a wonderful person to change someone so much. So maybe it's my insecurities that now he no longer thinks I'm amazing enough to break through his issues for. That's on me really.

 

I met someone recently who was very into me and I wasn't interested, but they started questioning me so I was upfront and closed it off straight away. This is why I find this a difficult situation. Obviously he's different to me and I understand that everyone is different. I guess at the end of the day I'm finding it hard to accept that it's' likely he's just not as into me as he thought he was. He was so excited about things once he'd finally made up his mind, Id not been that happy for years.

 

Thanks for helping, I can keep coming back to this and re-reading to keep me on the straight and narrow. You're both lovely people for helping.

 

Yes, you were upfront. He has been upfront with you as well. I think the denial is keeping you from accepting it.

 

My point is that when you aren't interested in someone, it's difficult to become interested no matter how much selling the other person is doing.

 

When you have the time, read up on the 4 attachment styles. It will help you understand The Avoidant and the patterns of someone like him. The cycle from when it begins and to how it ends.

[Redhead14]

Thank you for your kind kind words. I guess because we started as friends and he then apparently found me so amazing he backtracked on his single life for me and couldn't resist trying to start a relationship, I guess that made me feel like a wonderful person to change someone so much. So maybe it's my insecurities that now he no longer thinks I'm amazing enough to break through his issues for. That's on me really.

 

I met someone recently who was very into me and I wasn't interested, but they started questioning me so I was upfront and closed it off straight away. This is why I find this a difficult situation. Obviously he's different to me and I understand that everyone is different. I guess at the end of the day I'm finding it hard to accept that it's' likely he's just not as into me as he thought he was. He was so excited about things once he'd finally made up his mind, Id not been that happy for years.

 

Thanks for helping, I can keep coming back to this and re-reading to keep me on the straight and narrow. You're both lovely people for helping.

 

he's just not as into me as he thought he was -- It doesn't necessarily mean he wasn't into you. He very likely was into you but it's overwhelming to him and he can't maintain that for long.

 

Yes, he may find someone else and it may appear that perhaps she is his "the one" but the truth will likely be that she is rowing the same boat you did. And, even if they married, you won't know what is going on behind those doors. He may have pushed through his own walls and took that leap for her but will she have a prize? We can't know that. In the end, he's not right for you. There's nothing wrong with you.

[weeble78]

Yes, you were upfront. He has been upfront with you as well. I think the denial is keeping you from accepting it.

 

My point is that when you aren't interested in someone, it's difficult to become interested no matter how much selling the other person is doing.

 

When you have the time, read up on the 4 attachment styles. It will help you understand The Avoidant and the patterns of someone like him. The cycle from when it begins and to how it ends.

 

I will have a read up on that on Google in a moment. It sounds helpful.

 

He was obviously interested at the beginning, although yes not interested now. Do you think if he comes back to me I should just not reply?

[Redhead14]

I should point out too that this guy was behaving the way he was with you for a long time. That says that that behavior is engrained in him and likely started before his Ex was in the picture. I think you're seeing what his ex was dealing with . . . and that's why that relationship ended. If it weren't engrained in him, he'd have bailed himself a long time ago.

Edited September 1, 2017 by Redhead14

[Zahara]

He was obviously interested at the beginning, although yes not interested now. Do you think if he comes back to me I should just not reply?

 

Yes, that's how they start off but when they realize that there are expectations, or feel any kind of pressure, they will head the other way.

 

You should block him and make it your goal to move on from him. If you don't you are going to be triggered at some point and likely get caught up in another cycle of him.

 

Trust me when I tell you, there is nothing you can achieve by staying available to him except pain. This is a dead end.

[weeble78]

I should point out too that this guy was behaving the way he was with you for a long time. That says that that behavior is engrained in him and likely started before his Ex was in the picture. I think you're seeing what his ex was dealing with . . . and that's why that relationship ended. If it weren't engrained in him, he'd have bailed himself a long time ago.

 

That's funny, you've just reminded me of something we talked of months ago. He said he'd never had a long relationship before and he only got together with his ex because she was sleeping on the sofa in the shared house. They fell into a relationship and just hung out until people assumed they were together. He said he hated how much she wouldn't let him do things on his own and didn't give him his space, but that she was extremely nurturing and cared for him. When he 'broke up' with me he said that I'd never be able to tolerate him being in the studio for days on end or when he was away touring. Whereas at the beginning he asked if I'd accompany him on tours or tell him when he was being too involved with his work. Does that make sense?

[weeble78]

Yes, that's how they start off but when they realize that there are expectations, or feel any kind of pressure, they will head the other way.

 

You should block him and make it your goal to move on from him. If you don't you are going to be triggered at some point and likely get caught up in another cycle of him.

 

Trust me when I tell you, there is nothing you can achieve by staying available to him except pain. This is a dead end.

 

Although what if I just removed expectations for him. Or is that too detrimental tome? What if I just chilled out a lot and carried on with my life and didn't put any pressure on him?

[Zahara]

Although what if I just removed expectations for him. Or is that too detrimental tome? What if I just chilled out a lot and carried on with my life and didn't put any pressure on him?

 

Weeble, don't do that. Don't shortchange yourself because you so desperately want this man. When you drop your boundaries and standards, you'll start settling for just about anything. That's detrimental.

 

You want to be loved. You want a man that is emotionally available to you. You want a man that can openly express himself to you. You want a man that will nurture and cherish you.

 

You don't want a man that is going to make you feel like an option at the end of the day. And that is how you will feel if you pursue this man, regardless of your plan.

 

You are emotional about him. There is no way that you can revert and walk into this with zero expectations or date him casually. At some point your heart is going to want more. It's going to be silently screaming to be loved.

 

Don't talk yourself into something you know you cannot do because want what you cannot have.

[weeble78]

Weeble, don't do that. Don't shortchange yourself because you so desperately want this man. When you drop your boundaries and standards, you'll start settling for just about anything. That's detrimental.

 

You want to be loved. You want a man that is emotionally available to you. You want a man that can openly express himself to you. You want a man that will nurture and cherish you.

 

You don't want a man that is going to make you feel like an option at the end of the day. And that is how you will feel if you pursue this man, regardless of your plan.

 

You are emotional about him. There is no way that you can revert and walk into this with zero expectations or date him casually. At some point your heart is going to want more. It's going to be silently screaming to be loved.

 

Don't talk yourself into something you know you cannot do because want what you cannot have.

 

At some point my heart is going to be silently screaming to be loved - that's what my entire marriage was like. It shut me down until I almost felt like I didn't exist. I was 'trained' to never discuss anything that was bothering me, never ask for support, never question anything. And the moment I almost got away I received the proposal I'd always wanted. And then I got cheated on for several years. I'm guessing this could very well be a repeat.

[Zahara]

At some point my heart is going to be silently screaming to be loved - that's what my entire marriage was like. It shut me down until I almost felt like I didn't exist. I was 'trained' to never discuss anything that was bothering me, never ask for support, never question anything. And the moment I almost got away I received the proposal I'd always wanted. And then I got cheated on for several years. I'm guessing this could very well be a repeat.

 

And this will be a repeat.

 

You deserve to be loved. I feel your pain because I've been in those relationships. The cold marriage. The cheater. The emotionally unavailable men. The twisting and contorting hoping if I worked around their boundaries, they'd love me. I was starving for love.

 

Turn this around. Love yourself. Focus on your child. When you start to believe you deserve better, you'll be quick to ditch the ones that do not meet your standards.

[Redhead14]

At some point my heart is going to be silently screaming to be loved - that's what my entire marriage was like. It shut me down until I almost felt like I didn't exist. I was 'trained' to never discuss anything that was bothering me, never ask for support, never question anything. And the moment I almost got away I received the proposal I'd always wanted. And then I got cheated on for several years. I'm guessing this could very well be a repeat.

 

You are seeing the writing on the wall. And, you were married and already experienced what I outlined life with this guy would be like. You already knew/sensed that, I'd be willing to bet. And, this is the reason that women repeat history. They do it because that's what they've known and kinda got used to. They are comfortable with being uncomfortable. They accept that because at least they know what they have and the fear of seeking a right relationship keeps them in that discomfort zone. Get out of your discomfort zone. Find a guy who treats you the way you should be treated and don't settle for anything less again.

 

And the moment I almost got away I received the proposal I'd always wanted. -- This guy has kinda put you through that scenario already. And, don't be surprised if he runs after you again this time. He likely will. Don't fall for it. He's been way too inconsistent with you. He can't change in a matter of a month, let's say, if he does try to pull you back in.

[weeble78]

And this will be a repeat.

 

You deserve to be loved. I feel your pain because I've been in those relationships. The cold marriage. The cheater. The emotionally unavailable men. The twisting and contorting hoping if I worked around their boundaries, they'd love me. I was starving for love.

 

Turn this around. Love yourself. Focus on your child. When you start to believe you deserve better, you'll be quick to ditch the ones that do not meet your standards.

 

Such a bleak outlook. You've obviously changed your life for the better and are a much happier person now? You're certainly very switched on and in tune with things. Thanks for sharing.

[weeble78]

You are seeing the writing on the wall. And, you were married and already experienced what I outlined life with this guy would be like. You already knew/sensed that, I'd be willing to bet. And, this is the reason that women repeat history. They do it because that's what they've known and kinda got used to. They are comfortable with being uncomfortable. They accept that because at least they know what they have and the fear of seeking a right relationship keeps them in that discomfort zone. Get out of your discomfort zone. Find a guy who treats you the way you should be treated and don't settle for anything less again.

 

And the moment I almost got away I received the proposal I'd always wanted. -- This guy has kinda put you through that scenario already. And, don't be surprised if he runs after you again this time. He likely will. Don't fall for it. He's been way too inconsistent with you. He can't change in a matter of a month, let's say, if he does try to pull you back in.

 

I put a lot of work in over the last couple of months - to going out broadening my social horizons, learning new things and upping my game at work. Kicking life's ass as one might say. Oh, and dating too - and keeping it real with people when it didn't work and making a new lovely friend from it too. When things started popping up on social media he's been keeping an eye and would text me about it. Then he'd start saying he'd been having dreams about me - not even that nice ones, but ones where I'm in control of a situation or trying to move closer to him. Random I thought. I organised a meet as I stupidly thought it might help me gain closure. He didn't even confirm until the day before and I almost didn't go. You know how different it is when a friend is telling you this and you're like 'what are you doing?' yet when you're doing it it seems to make sense. Doh.

[Redhead14]

I put a lot of work in over the last couple of months - to going out broadening my social horizons, learning new things and upping my game at work. Kicking life's ass as one might say. Oh, and dating too - and keeping it real with people when it didn't work and making a new lovely friend from it too. When things started popping up on social media he's been keeping an eye and would text me about it. Then he'd start saying he'd been having dreams about me - not even that nice ones, but ones where I'm in control of a situation or trying to move closer to him. Random I thought. I organised a meet as I stupidly thought it might help me gain closure. He didn't even confirm until the day before and I almost didn't go. You know how different it is when a friend is telling you this and you're like 'what are you doing?' yet when you're doing it it seems to make sense. Doh.

 

Hindsight is twenty-twenty. However, now that hindsight can be forethought/forward thinking and has become knowledge and understanding for the future.

 

not even that nice ones, but ones where I'm in control of a situation or trying to move closer to him. -- That would have scared the crap out of him Sorry to say. It shows that his earlier words about his fears about the ex not giving him enough space weren't just words. This is his deepest fear running in the background of his life.

[weeble78]

Hindsight is twenty-twenty. However, now that hindsight can be forethought/forward thinking and has become knowledge and understanding for the future.

 

not even that nice ones, but ones where I'm in control of a situation or trying to move closer to him. -- That would have scared the crap out of him Sorry to say. It shows that his earlier words about his fears about the ex not giving him enough space weren't just words. This is his deepest fear running in the background of his life.

 

Gosh. I can't help it though - it makes me feel sorry for him and want to make him happy. Although what you both were saying earlier, it's not what I want for my child, not the role model I want for her. I don't know the reason for his fear but I do know he has a strong history of anxiety and depression and he talks very darkly about it. He has changed since last time I saw him and is looking great and moving up in leaps and bounds in his profession, I still only wish him the best and have always told him that.

[Redhead14]

it makes me feel sorry for him and want to make him happy. -- You can't make him happy. He has to do that for himself. You could enhance/add to his happiness, but it has to be there already. And, it appears that he is perfectly happy by himself. And, yes, he would do very well in his profession. He compartmentalizes very easily. He can focus on his job very well.

 

This kind of statement usually comes from a woman who is essentially/potentially a co-dependent in a relationship. She will put her whole self into a relationship even though she's getting little if anything from her partner. She's in a one-sided relationship. She's usually exhausted and stressed out because she's doing all the heavy lifting, emotionally. She does more and more to make/keep him happy and feels like a failure most of the time. She keeps reaching for that carrot being dangled in front of her and never getting any closer.

 

He has changed since last time I saw him -- No he hasn't. He's just having a moment where he's feeling pretty good perhaps. He hasn't changed in such a short time. People like him are pretty good with wearing their masks when they are out and about.

[weeble78]

it makes me feel sorry for him and want to make him happy. -- You can't make him happy. He has to do that for himself. You could enhance/add to his happiness, but it has to be there already. And, it appears that he is perfectly happy by himself. And, yes, he would do very well in his profession. He compartmentalizes very easily. He can focus on his job very well.

 

This kind of statement usually comes from a woman who is essentially/potentially a co-dependent in a relationship. She will put her whole self into a relationship even though she's getting little if anything from her partner. She's in a one-sided relationship. She's usually exhausted and stressed out because she's doing all the heavy lifting, emotionally. She does more and more to make/keep him happy and feels like a failure most of the time. She keeps reaching for that carrot being dangled in front of her and never getting any closer.

 

He has changed since last time I saw him -- No he hasn't. He's just having a moment where he's feeling pretty good perhaps. He hasn't changed in such a short time. People like him are pretty good with wearing their masks when they are out and about.

 

Crap perhaps I need to read up on how not to be codependent as that absolutely sounds like me. I did buy a book today actually, Feel the Fear and Do it anyway - I'm going to try self help next. Although you guys are pretty good - do you work in the mental health business?!

[weeble78]

I read your last thread as well as this one. And in both threads it seems like this man is not looking for anything serious with you. You layed it all down on the table for him, expressed how you felt about him and shared your inner feelings, yet, his response was that he still only wanted a friendship. Him speaking to you about his Ex girlfriend and wanting to be alone and only interested in being "friends" all of this, solidifies that as fact. At least he is being upfront in admitting he only wants a friendship with you, instead of playing around with your heart.

 

 

 

He most likely just doesn't want to hurt your feelings.

 

He's been honest in telling you he only wants to be friends with you, so I'd believe him. No, I don't think you should wait around for him to change his mind because he most likely never will. If you don't feel comfortable with just, being his friend, without having romantic feelings for him, than I'd suggest you just leave it be. Go back to no contact.

 

You sound like a sweet, jovial, lovely woman, and I'm sure you won't have any problems in eventually finding someone better suited for you. Plus there are millions of are men out there, that will want what you want; in a romantic relationship. Good luck!

 

I'm so sorry, I've just seen this message. Thank you so much. I do agree that he could be messing me around a lot more but is trying to be somewhat upfront, and it's more down to my own ineptness at decoding what he's saying that's causing a problem. However I do have a problem with him contacting me through no contact and telling me he is dreaming about me and missing talking to me as it gives me hope and makes me think about him more. So yes, I have been thinking no contact again and just seeing if things will slide.

 

I'd love to meet someone who is nice and kind and not as inconsistent and all over the place but I've actually never had the pleasure of experiencing this kind of relationship. Thank you for the good luck wishes, with any luck this will maybe happen in the near future. Thanks for your input and kind words.

[Redhead14]

Crap perhaps I need to read up on how not to be codependent as that absolutely sounds like me. I did buy a book today actually, Feel the Fear and Do it anyway - I'm going to try self help next. Although you guys are pretty good - do you work in the mental health business?!

 

I do . . .

[weeble78]

I do . . .

 

Wow. Well I feel super lucky to be talking to you, everyone on this thread have really helped turn things around this evening and help to clarify things for me which is a relief as Ive been on the edge as it is for the last few months.

 

I fully appreciate the insight you've all given me. I'm still unsure as to why I don't come to these conclusions myself but am grateful there is a place such as here to chat. It stops me panicking and drowning in a sea of analysing what I've said and done and trying to work out where I've gone wrong. I wish you could have a personal adviser sitting on your shoulder sometimes - my brain just doesn't work the right way to make sense of these things.