Foggymorning Posted September 1, 2017 Posted September 1, 2017 Hi everyone I'm new here. Been with my partner for nearly 8 years now. Things have become increasingly worse in the past year or so. Long story short (I won't go into exquisite details here) he has an ex wife and child from a previous marriage. I'm not unhappy because his ex wife drives us nuts, it's because his life still revolves around her. I wouldn't say he still loves her (although he may, I don't know) but I would say he can't let her go. He fights with her, always talks about her and how awful she is, complains about how terrible of a mother she is. Anyway, I'm working with a counsellor to explore my emotions and feelings over this. I would feel extreme guilt leaving the relationship because he has made it very clear to me that I would cause all kinds of hurt if i left. His child would be extremely upset. He would be upset. I would be the one who causes that. So what's the alternative, stay in a relationship where I'm getting absolutely nothing out of? Stay for the same of giving him a sounding board for all his issues with his ex wife? I can't even have an opinion. If I tell him I don't want to hear about his trials and tribulations anymore, he blames me. He says outside influences are telling me to say these things to him because I've never been like that. He says I'm being mean because as his partner, I'm supposed to listen and be there for him. I do feel trapped in a sense.
FilterCoffee Posted September 1, 2017 Posted September 1, 2017 Hi Foggymorning, Sorry to hear what you're going through. It sucks when your partner gives so much attention to their ex, even if they have nothing good to say about them. I've always felt that if someone is still getting bothered by their ex then they still haven't gotten over them. But what has changed over the last year? Your partner seems to me as if he's always been that way. Regards
Author Foggymorning Posted September 1, 2017 Author Posted September 1, 2017 No idea. I suppose if I tried really hard I could pinpoint it to an event where he thought his ex wife was trying to play games with him. In all honesty that entire situation could have been handled better, but after that he was on a mission to destroy his ex and encourage the kid to dislike her mother.
Redhead14 Posted September 1, 2017 Posted September 1, 2017 (edited) You can and should draw your boundaries. You tell him that you are OK with him having a civil co-parenting arrangement but you are not OK with hearing him go off about the issues between them. And, if there are that many issues and significant enough to cause him to become upset, then he needs to address those issues with her and perhaps the court system. I would recommend a child advocate or a mediator before taking it to court. Divorced couples who can resolve their issues outside of the court system reduce the exposure for child protective services involvement, etc. If she is not upholding her end of the custody agreement, etc., that's where the matter goes. The fact is that when there is strife between a divorced couple and there are children involved eventually that will happen. He says I'm being mean because as his partner, I'm supposed to listen and be there for him. -- You tell him that support is one thing but being an emotional punching bag is another. You tell him that you are only influenced by how all this is making you feel. And, that is likely, that you feel helpless in the situation and it's damaging your relationship with him. Support without someone accepting the support and feeling supported is nothing but a wall to talk to. You are a woman who loves her partner and it's unfair to put you in that position. If he digs his heals in, you tell him where he can find you when he can make you one of his priorities -- the children would come first, naturally, then you -- NOT HER. Edited September 1, 2017 by Redhead14 4
minimariah Posted September 1, 2017 Posted September 1, 2017 ...but I would say he can't let her go. it seems as if he can't let go of WINNING over her - you said it yourself; he wants to destroy her and discourage his child in building a relationship with her. that alone, would be enough for me to call it quits - it's child abuse. he seems like a vindictive person desperate to win over the ex and leave her in shambles. he sounds abusive, to be honest. I would feel extreme guilt leaving the relationship because he has made it very clear to me that I would cause all kinds of hurt if i left. this sounds like emotional blackamail, another bad sign. his child has two parents and will probably get over it - so he's using the child as a tool in his emotional blackmail. this is not a person who is overly concerned about your feelings. don't stay. put your needs and feelings first. if you're unhappy and getting nothing out of the relationship - leave while you still can. in all honesty... i think you're already checked out. you didn't mention anything good about the relationship or LOVE - that's, in my experience, almost always a sign that it's just... over and you're on your path out. it's good that you're working with a counselor - keep it up! 4
preraph Posted September 1, 2017 Posted September 1, 2017 He's obsessing over her and my guess he's a "right fighter" and can't let go unless he feels he's gotten the upper hand. Just a guess. Not fun to live with. Of course if he ever stops pointing his finger at her, he may just be a person who has to point it at someone and point it at you..... Don't stay if you're miserable and he's unwilling to either get help or keep it zipped. And he's got some nerve saying YOU'RE going to hurt the kids. He's who's hurting the kids by being angry all the time and mad at their mother unrelentingly. Do not think this goes over their little heads. It's terrifying to them. So come down hard no him about that. 2
Mittens Posted September 2, 2017 Posted September 2, 2017 No idea. I suppose if I tried really hard I could pinpoint it to an event where he thought his ex wife was trying to play games with him. In all honesty that entire situation could have been handled better, but after that he was on a mission to destroy his ex and encourage the kid to dislike her mother. I would break up with him for that alone. My mother did the same when my father left her, emotionally blackmailed myself and my two brothers into dropping all contact with my father. It's a ****ing evil thing to do to a child...it's basically punishing the child for what the mother has done. The child deserves to have a relationship with the mother no matter what the father thinks of her. He's a ****ing hypocrite. It's alright for him to hurt the child by trying to damage her relationship with her mother, but YOU would be the one to blame for any hurt if you did the only sensible thing and left him? Arsehole. 2
Captivating Posted September 2, 2017 Posted September 2, 2017 Hi Foggy, Do you think that your guy has a personality disorder, being a narcissist? Commonly they are: Always manipulating and using people for their purposes, playing the "victim" so others feel sorry for them, IMAGE IS EVERYTHING, "flipping the table" constantly, unable to truly love - consider their partner as their own extension.... getting off on others' admiration but also others' misery that they inflicted. There is a deep rooted self esteem problem behind all of this..... also did he move on very fast with you after the marriage crumbled ?? .... He seems manipulative by making you feel guilty if you moved on. He does not consider you in this whole thing, this is a red flag. When are your feelings being considered?? If this relationship does not make you happy at all then ... you need to consider all possibilities. How about couple's therapy ? Can the relationship be mended by a helpful intervention with a therapist ? Does your man actually have a personality disorder ? So many questions Do you love this guy ? Do you want to spend the rest of your life with him ? Are you happy with him ?? If NOT.....then why would you stay? I know, it's easy for me saying this, not being emotionally involved. Don't let him manipulate you playing the guilt trip scheme. Although it's very unfortunate that there are children involved, they are not your responsibility. They have two parents. You should tell your man to be a nicer father, attentive, caring, TRULY LOVING if he is capable of this and to stop ragging on the ex wife , no matter how she is, because only the kids get hurt and getting emotionally damaged by this, ex- wife does not. (Let the kids reach out to you, if they want to) Do you think he is using you or love you? Just try to imagine your life without him ... imagine a whole day without him being in it. You might like this concept. 1
spiderowl Posted September 3, 2017 Posted September 3, 2017 You have said you are not getting anything out of this relationship. A relationship is supposed to be a two-way thing. If you are his sounding board but you get nothing else yourself, then you have every right to walk out. There are reasons why people would be sad if you left, that is true, and a child is involved, but you could stay in touch with the child if her father allowed it. He cannot use those reasons against you. He is not thinking of you, only of himself and his trials with his ex-wife. Whilst we all listen to partners when they are unhappy, he cannot expect you to want to be overly involved with it all or to be there to support him while he continues engaging with his ex-wife beyond what is absolutely necessary for the children. It sounds like you are fed up and wanting to leave, so in a way you know what you need to do.
Recommended Posts