Lolita2461 Posted September 1, 2017 Posted September 1, 2017 I'm not sure what to make of the actions of a coworker. I am in my late 20s and he is in his early 50s (lets call him B). B works in a different department but one with which my department works closely with. His office is on the floor below mine. When he first started working here a year ago, he would frequently come upstairs to talk with my boss (a male). They had known each other for a few years and he would spend some time just talking with him as friends. Eventually he started stopping by my office (I'm 5 offices down the hall from my boss). He would sit for long periods of time (45mins to an hour) and we would talk about work, life, family (he is married with a young daughter and I was married, at the time). He would stop by at least twice a week, sometimes every day. The very first day he left and then came right back and said "what puts you miles ahead of anyone else is that you smile." I know he thinks I am smart and talented. We both share similar anxieties and he recommended his therapist about 7 months ago, but I did not go. Fast forward to July and my husband of 3 years tells me on a random Sunday that he doesn't love me and wants a divorce. I move in with my mom. I go to work on Monday and by Wednesday I am an emotional wreck and decide I need a therapist...by this time i had forgotten the name of the therapist B recommended so I send him a discrete email about it. He responds by sending me his own cell phone number as he is on his way home. I call it and I explain why I need the therapist. He gives me the number but tells me he is going to call the Dr. first to explain that I will be reaching out. Since then I have been seeing the therapist once a week. B still visits with me often, but since my husband called it quits I've noticed a few changes. He has told me about his own issues with his marriage...some of it deeply personal. He has told me he is not extraordinarily happy. He gives me advice on my separation, tells me not to go back to my husband if that becomes the case, and checks in with me to make sure I'm ok on the weekends. He also seems to want to spend more time with me. For example, on two occasions now he has called me to his office to ask a question (not unusual for our work), but once I answer the question he will say "do you have a minute" and then proceed to show me things he's working on (none of it anything I can help with) or he will go about his work and tell stories here and there or even just work and not really say anything to me except every now and then "just stay another minute if you have the time." The first time this went on for 2 hours. The second, yesterday, it was an hour and a half. Almost like he just wanted me to be there. He has been doing this odd thing lately when he's sitting in his desk chair or in my office chair. He typically leans back in the chair (he's very tall) but he has lately been making this rapid pelvic thrusting for a few seconds and then stopping. Almost like a nervous tic. Yesterday I was in his office and we were discussing an affair someone else is having and he started talking about the logistics of an affair. He said he could never do it or he didn't think he could, he asked how it would work he presumes he'd have to lie a lot. Then he said he thought about what would happen if he divorced and he doesn't think he could date anyone else because he would have to pay alimony, child support, and he doesn't know what kind of a woman would want that. He mentioned seeing young women and wanting to be with them but learning to control that impulse. In the same breath he told me about his insecurities with his appearance. Finally, we go to the same therapist. The therapist knows we are friendly and he often says "what does B think about that" and brings him up a lot. I'm not sure if that's relevant but I sometimes feel that the Dr. is trying to determine the nature of our relationship. B has complimented me on my appearance, if I'm dressed up, for example. And I got highlights in my hair this past weekend and he noticed right away and said I looked nice. He took me to lunch once, invited another male colleague who agree to go and then changed his mind last minute, so B and I went alone. It felt awkward and time between us never feels awkward. I'm not sure if I'm reading too much into any of this, but I'm curious what other interpretations may be.
coolheadal Posted September 1, 2017 Posted September 1, 2017 Met someone at work also, asked her out about month ago we're doing fine, moved her into my house.. Your in the early stages You can tell if a man likes you or not? I don't know what your policy is at work about dating staff.. If he's married sure don't get involved with him, gets complicated down the road.
ExpatInItaly Posted September 1, 2017 Posted September 1, 2017 (edited) Ugh, he's sussing you out to see how you'd feel being a mistress. And I would bet it's not the first time he's done it. Take a gander on the Other Woman/Man board and you'll see your story is the same as many of theirs. This man knows exactly what he's doing, strongly suggesting it's not his first rodeo. You're much younger and inherently less experienced, you're vulnerable after your separation - in other words, it's the perfect storm for him to swoop in and try it on with you. Stay away. No good can come of this, and it would get much worse given that you work together and share a therapist. There are far too many boundaries being crossed already, and there will be a lot of heartache for you if you proceed. If you're finding that difficult, ask yourself this: What if the real reason your husband left you is because he met someone else? How would you feel if you found out he'd actually cheated on you and is in love with another woman? Edited September 1, 2017 by ExpatInItaly
Sara1989 Posted September 1, 2017 Posted September 1, 2017 This man is married with a young daughter yet you dare ask the "does he like me" question on here. Get a grip woman I despair of people sometimes 1
Author Lolita2461 Posted September 1, 2017 Author Posted September 1, 2017 (edited) I really just wanted to know what it seemed like his intentions were. He's much older than I am for me to even consider dating him and I don't believe in cheating for a multitude of reasons including that I wouldn't want it done to me. I have grown to respect his perspective on things and I look up to him but if his intentions have turned into something else I would need to reassess our friendship or whatever it is. Additionally, I am still hoping for my husband to have a change of heart as I am still in love with him. I should have made all this clearer in my initial post. Edited September 1, 2017 by Lolita2461
kazen Posted September 1, 2017 Posted September 1, 2017 I would say yes. Trust your instinct. The fact he's talking bad about his marriage, how he desire someone younger and talk about affairs, seems like red flags to me. If his wife knows, I bet she would be pissed.
d0nnivain Posted September 1, 2017 Posted September 1, 2017 He may very well like you but as you are well aware, nothing can come of this because he's married. How comfortable do you think he wife would be to know how much time you two spend together, what you talk about & how much personal help he offers you? Dial it back before he does something to escalate this from an EA to a PA
kendahke Posted September 1, 2017 Posted September 1, 2017 Don't poop where you eat. Keep professional relationships nothing but professional. If you have to make him uncomfortable for taking things anywhere but in the professional arena, don't feel guilty about doing that. You're not there to be his playmate. He's trying to see if you are "one of those kinds of women". 1
act00 Posted September 1, 2017 Posted September 1, 2017 His actions are a bit odd. I'm guessing there's some attraction between the two of you, but no one has to act on it. Some of what you talk about seems like normal friend talk, but then coming from a man that seems to be attracted to you, it seems he's putting out the feelers on if you would be willing to be a mistress, and even in the case of him divorcing, just be his woman on the side when he's in the mood. It's hard to say. Bottom line, he's married and a coworker. Don't even go there. Getting involved with a coworker is a slippery slope all on it's own. It's risky. Getting involved with married man who you work with is worse. When they divorce? Oh, the joys in the office, the gossip, and who knows what could become when that situation explodes. Don't even entertain involvement with this man. Why in the world are you hanging out in his office for TWO HOURS while he does his job? Do you not have work to do? Really, what's going on that you can be absent for two hours? What are your actions saying to your coworkers? She's flirting and socializing with some dude on the 3rd floor and boss-man's buddy while they pick up the slack? Please tell me that not being around for two hours is normal and acceptable because I'm just floored that you're just gone for hours and that's okay. Him setting up camp in your office for social chit-chat for hours? Really, I don't see how this is okay, and the boss' pal to top it off. This whole situation has danger warnings. I think you need to start putting up some personal boundaries. "I need to get back to work, but great talking to you." There's office gossip about this affair going on...people notice things and people talk.
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