GoBroncs1983 Posted August 31, 2017 Posted August 31, 2017 Quite the topic title, but hey, I'm bothered by it. I have posted about other exes on this forum and received great feedback, so here's a story about another - that I haven't talked about yet. My exGF and I dated for about 8 months, meeting via Tinder last year. She was quite versatile in the bedroom, which of course I enjoyed. One night while at dinner, and I can't remember how it came up, we began discussing out sexual history. I have a 12 year old daughter, so speaking of her mother probably led into the revelation that my ex dropped on me. She told me she had only begun having sex earlier that year (this was in September) to, in her words, "get (her) virginity out of the way." She was 28, I was 34. She said she lost her virginity to her former (married) boss, on her last day at that job, in a workroom closet. She then told me she had hooked up with a guy via Tinder in a hotel room - and while she stressed it WAS consensual sex - the guy was very abusive to her during the encounter, hitting and beating her, choking her, yelling at her and insulting her throughout. She said it drove her to seek therapy as a result, and she was on several medications. Having had an ex that I strongly suspect has Borderline Personality Disorder, I asked her flat out if she had been diagnosed with any type of mood disorder. She said no. She spoke of all of this with a strong sense of self awareness, saying she was actively working on herself through therapy and trying to spend her time productively, doing things such as yoga and rock climbing. Overall, it was a revealing and ultimately positive conversation. Afterward, a couple of times, she asked me to hit and choke her during sex. I declined - not only am I not into that sort of thing, I would never do that to ANY woman. She then said, "Yeah, it's quite weird to be into the things that the guy that assaulted me did." Our relationship lasted until April of this year, when the walls came down and bickering was constant on both sides. Neither of us were happy having the other as a romantic partner, and we mutually decided to end things. We have remained friends since, and have hung out several times, able to be good friends without sliding back into anything romantic or sexual. I have dated women since, and she had spoken of going on dates with other men as well. I was fine with this, and she seemed fine with my mention of dating as well. Last week, she texted me about a guy she had fallen for, but didn't believe she stood a chance with - yet she was going to go back to him because she felt that she could win his affection through sex. I told her that seemed unhealthy, and she quickly changed her story, saying she just wanted to get laid by him and never see him again - that if he asked her out, she would say no. I found this puzzling. Then - and this is the reason for this topic - she told me about a man she had been "friends with benefits" with over the month of July, which I hadn't heard about before. I asked her why she didn't consider it dating him, and she said the guy said he didn't want any kind of romantic connection, just sex. She then spoke of having sexual liaisons with him that were very similar to the assault she encountered before we met - sex with this guy included being slapped, choked, tied up, called various insulting names, and (keeping it PG-13) very aggressive sexual methods. She said she liked to be "punished" and ordered what to do with this guy. I asked her why she was having encounters that resembled the assault that put her in therapy, and she said it wasn't the same - that with the recent guy there were safe words, and with the man who assaulted her there was no respect, just abuse. She then said everything I mentioned above (choking, slapping, etc) was her "kink" and she knows what she likes in the bedroom now. I told her that sounded incredibly unhealthy, and I was worried for her. She then said she was "incredibly hurt" by my comments, and didn't want to speak to me anymore. Does anyone else see the above as VERY dangerous and unhealthy? And why does it bother me so much? Is it because I care about her? Is it because I'm shocked at her behavior? I guess it could be likened to seeing someone suddenly addicted to drugs or something. Has anyone else gone through a similar experience (sexual assault) and become promiscuous as a result? Or has she ALWAYS been that way (remember with the boss in a closet?) and her relationship with me was just a stopgap in between reckless behavior? I guess I'm bothered that she acts like all of this is just what she likes, without being self aware as she seemed to be before. I don't know - just a lot of rattling in my brain right now. Any feedback is appreciated.
d0nnivain Posted August 31, 2017 Posted August 31, 2017 Stop talking to her. She's your EX. Why would you ever discuss your new dates or hers with an EX? It's all t.m.i. Cut contact. Wall away. Don't look back. Whatever is going on with her she needs professional medical psychiatric help. Many sex assault victims, but not all, do become promiscuous. But it's beyond an amateur's understanding or ability to fix. Stay out of it & away from her. You will be happier & less worried with less contact & fewer details.
Jethro Posted August 31, 2017 Posted August 31, 2017 Yeah, who cares about her behavior, you can't change it, so don't stress about it. Move on and let her face her demons because that is all a part of growing up.
ExpatInItaly Posted August 31, 2017 Posted August 31, 2017 I agree with the others, OP. The kind of help she needs is not the kind you can give her. At the end of the day, she is a grown adult and free to do what she wants. Yes, it's hard to watch someone self-destruct, but what can you really do? Tell her you're worried...and then? You two are still far too enmeshed in each other's lives. It's time to cut the cord.
FilterCoffee Posted August 31, 2017 Posted August 31, 2017 Hey GoBroncs1983, Does anyone else see the above as VERY dangerous and unhealthy? Let me first state that I've only engaged in BDSM a couple of times and each time it was very very mild. Do I think what she's doing is dangerous? Yes. She has already had one traumatic experience and if she continues to do these things with people she barely knows then anything could happen. Is it unhealthy? Well, that depends. If she does it with a person who's trustworthy and who'll respect her boundaries then it need not be unhealthy. Hell, it would even be a lot of fun! And why does it bother me so much? Is it because I care about her? Probably. You did date her for 8 months and it seems as if the breakup wasn't too bad so it would only be natural that you still care a bit. Can it be likened to someone suddenly addicted to drugs? Absolutely. But you need to keep in mind that other than showing a little concern, there is very little you can do. The more controlling you try to become, the more frustrated you'll get. Besides, it's her life and she can do whatever she wants. If I were you, I would push away from her because she has the potential to mess with your head! Take Care
Captivating Posted August 31, 2017 Posted August 31, 2017 Your reaction is normal, you care about her. She is your ex girlfriend, there will be always emotional ties. She might have self-esteem issues, longing for "love" and attention..... maybe because of her upbringing ?? Who knows ? Why does she share this with you ?? Does she want to make you jealous?? Does she have a personality disorder.... being a narcissist perhaps ? Your concern is justified, a man can be dangerous because of his sheer power over a woman. Try to make her understand that you are concerned for her well-being, possibly putting herself in harms way. You cannot do anything more than that ...
Sweetfish Posted August 31, 2017 Posted August 31, 2017 Your first problem is assuming the Tinder story was true and that anything else she told you was true. Its very rare to take on new sexual behavior as such at that age as most sexual desires are pretty much imprinted in your brain around one's teens... Think about it... ? 30 years down the line in a womens life she decides chocking and being hit turns her on? Is it possible? I guess... but the Tinder story just doent hold weight ... maybe she uses that story to create a buffer or pillow to not shock the guy too much to why she likes this behavior..
SevenCity Posted August 31, 2017 Posted August 31, 2017 As others said, it's not your concern any longer. I've slapped and choked many a woman and it was all in good fun. The last girl asked me to slap her face during sex and I was happy to oblige - usually I have to introduce it to them. I've had many loving relationships where rough sex was part and plan to in the future. If her story is true, it's likely that she is putting herself in these situations because she wants control. It's "You can't hurt me because I'm allowing it". Either way, not your problem any longer.
spiderowl Posted September 1, 2017 Posted September 1, 2017 (edited) I can see why you are worried about her and it is not surprising. She likes something in bed that could potentially put her at great risk. You don't know at this point whether she is capable of working out who she would be safe with or not. She clearly thinks she has got it sussed now with talk of 'safe' words. I doubt that she was just abused out of the blue. If she likes to be dominated, then she was probably drawn to the attitude of the guy who ultimately did abuse her. While drawn to him, she probably didn't realise just how unpleasant he would be. She seems to have discovered now that she needs to be with someone where the understanding is mutual and where safe words are used. Her reasons for liking this are probably incredibly complex. I'd keep an open mind about that. Someone drawn to dominant characters is quite likely to end up being abused at some point. It does not mean that is how their interest in it started, by suffering abuse and then being compelled to repeat it or something. She clearly wants you to accept her preferences rather than judge her for them. It is up to you how you react. You seem to be taking the view that she has problems and that is why she has these preferences. Maybe it's not a problem but simply a preference. Would that make any difference to the way you advise her? You don't actually have to be involved at all but I know you care for her. All you can do is to advise her on safe words and maybe she should get friends to check out her potential partners too, to ensure they are safe and not psychopaths. Ultimately, if she wants to run risks, you won't be able to stop her. You are not responsible for her preferences or behaviour. Edited September 1, 2017 by spiderowl
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