Is it my fault?

[Lyndsay]

So about a month ago, my boyfriend(lets call him Mark) of 1.5 years dumped me. The reason? It's kind of a long story, but if you guys can stay till the end that would be great.

 

It was about to be the 1.5 year mark in the relationship, and I had planned a nice date for the both of us, and had told him about it. The plan was to take a walk at the park, catch a nice (semi expensive) dinner, and then check out this new place that neither of us had ever been to (which is surprisingly hard to find considering that I've lived in this place for 10+ years). I made these plans about a week before the date of the 1.5 yr anniversary. Now, flash forward to 2 days before the planned date. Mark decides to take his sister on a date. Now, I'm aware that he and his sister were close, so that didn't surprise me at all. But Mark decides to take his sister on the exact same date that I had planned for him and me to do. He took her to the same park, a nice dinner, and then even went to the same "new" place that I had wanted us to experience together.

Naturally, I got pretty upset at this. I felt that he was not considerate of my feelings, and I had spent a long time trying to come up with that date. I basically gave him an ultimatum: If he wanted to continue dating me, then he would have to plan the dates, because I did not want to plan the dates that he would go on with his sister.

After that, he ignored me for a day, and then showed up to my house with a basket of the things that I gave him and said "take your s*** and go"

 

So yeah, that's how I got dumped. So I guess, what I'm asking you guys, is if my actions were justified? Or, what is your opinions on this story? How would you have reacted in this situation?

 

Thank you!

Lyndsay

 

//Sorry, I should have posted this on the Break Up forum! I am new here, and not sure on how this website works//

Edited August 30, 2017 by Lyndsay
wrong forum

[Zahara]

He takes his sister on dates?

 

So, you plan the dates then he does the exact same thing with his sister?

[Lyndsay]

Yes, I had planned the date for our 1.5 anniversary, and he took his sister on the date.

[Zahara]

Yes, I had planned the date for our 1.5 anniversary, and he took his sister on the date.

 

Your ultimatum made it sound like he's never planned dates and that he's always taken your date ideas and shared it with his sister.

 

I'm not sure why you gave him an ultimatum. You shot yourself in the foot.

 

If it was just this one date, I would have let it slide or at least communicated my displeasure or concern in a non-threatening manner. You could have made the experience with him special and your own.

 

I have a feeling there's more to this story in that there are other reasons for your resentments?

[cp30]

Is your boyfriend's last name Lannister?

 

In all seriousness, I am very close with my sibling but there is no way I would take him on a 'date' like that. No way, no how.

 

Definitely something strange going on here. Had they gone on 'dates' like this before?

[Zahara]

It's not about whether it was your fault but how you handled it. You are entitled to feel how you feel but the way you approached him -- I'm not surprised at his reaction.

[Lyndsay]

Yes, they had

[Zahara]

Yes, they had

 

So, it wasn't just this one date? I asked you previously if he takes her on dateS, you responded with the anniversary date.

 

If he takes his sister on dates and takes all your date ideas and shares it with his sister, then I think there is something weird about it.

 

Regardless, if you intended to fix the issue, you should have communicated yourself better.

[Lyndsay]

Your ultimatum made it sound like he's never planned dates and that he's always taken your date ideas and shared it with his sister.

 

I'm not sure why you gave him an ultimatum. You shot yourself in the foot.

 

If it was just this one date, I would have let it slide or at least communicated my displeasure or concern in a non-threatening manner. You could have made the experience with him special and your own.

 

I have a feeling there's more to this story in that there are other reasons for your resentments?

 

Yeah, this was not the first time that something like this happened. Often times, when I would plan dates, he would change his mind last minute, or if we did go on the date I had planned, he would show displeasure. Usually he would take his sister on the date after he went on the one that I had planned.

 

I had confronted him about the lack of consideration before, but that was the first time that I had lashed out like that.

Edited August 30, 2017 by Lyndsay

[No_Go]

Was it coincidence that he wanted to take her sister to the same place? I.e. Did you tell him about the place before he made plans with her or not?

 

Either way, I'd be pissed as well but would not have thrown a tantrum because of it. 1.5 years is not even an 'anniversary'. Same if I were him: I'd be pissed at your reaction but would have just talk it through, not break up.

 

I think there is more. Were you frustrated at each other in general outside of this accident? I think at 1-1.5 years people naturally evaluate whether the relationship has legs to continue for forever, and maybe the answer was 'no' for you/him/both and that's why a small thing like this caused a break up.

[Zahara]

Yeah, this was not the first time that something like this happened. Often times, when I would plan dates, he would change his mind last minute, or if we did go on the date I had planned, he would show displeasure.

 

I had confronted him about the lack of consideration before, but that was the first time that I had lashed out like that.

 

I had a feeling that there was more to this story and I am sure there's other issues other than the "dates" that have caused you to bottle up your resentment.

 

I think this is a good thing. You've confronted him for his lack of consideration and it seems nothing has changed. When you are in a relationship and you feel you are being wronged, don't keep staying in it. Get out because chances are if they truly cared about you, you wouldn't have to be a broken record.

 

Count this as a blessing.

[Miss Spider]

It always puzzles me when people say "let's call him *another name" "as if you called him his real name like "Jeff" we'd all be like "oh Jeff!! I know Him!" Maybe it's for the individual to detach from the situation. I don't know .

 

You got mad at him for taking his sister on a date like the one you had planned. So you told him he should start planning the dates and then he ended your 1/2 year relationship? Please tell me something is missing. First of all, if it was one date idea that he "stole" I think you overreacted a bit. But for him to dump you over that is a overreaction of ginormous portions . Was this a regular thing? Did you blow up on him about it? There is something said or done in between the lines for this to be cohesive.

Edited August 30, 2017 by Cookiesandough

[neowulf]

A very common misconception people have is that a single event can end a relationship.

 

There are maybe one or two tops that will usually immediately end a relationship;

 

1) Your partner murders someone and admits to the fact.

2) Your partner is sleeping around on you and you find this out.

 

Even then, in some cases this isn't a sure thing.

 

Your boyfriend broke up with you for reasons which were around well before this event.

 

In the end, don't waste time thinking about the singular event. Think about the relationship as a whole.

[SevenCity]

It always puzzles me when people say "let's call him *another name" "as if you called him his real name like "Jeff" we'd all be like "oh Jeff!! I know Him!" Maybe it's for the individual to detach from the situation. I don't know .

 

You got mad at him for taking his sister on a date like the one you had planned. So you told him he should start planning the dates and then he ended your 1/2 year relationship? Please tell me something is missing. First of all, if it was one date idea that he "stole" I think you overreacted a bit. But for him to dump you over that is a overreaction of ginormous portions . Was this a regular thing? Did you blow up on him about it? There is something said or done in between the lines for this to be cohesive.

 

To your question, most people don't want to give away names for fear of the person finding the thread. The more specific you get the easier it is for an ex or partner to find.

 

That said, I've never heard of a guy taking his sister out on dates that his gf planned! Reminds me of that Friends episode where Rachel(?) was dating a guy who was too close to his sister and finally ended it when they were taking s bubble bath together

 

Op - this dude is a strange cat. You shouldn't give ultimatums in a relationship as it will have the opposite effect. Humans don't like being told what to do so we do the opposite.

 

That said, there was more going on here. The guy is a nut and you are best served by finding a guy who appreciates you planning a date.

[act00]

I also think there is more going on. There's a breakdown in the relationship somewhere beyond this single instance. As mentioned, it is a length of time where the relationship as a whole may be reaching it's last legs. Your reaction was just a catalyst to what he was planning to do anyway...break up.

 

That said, it was very inconsiderate to plan a date with his sister that you had planned special for him, down to the new place. I also find it bizarre to take his sister on a date. Certainly if he thought she would like this new place, it would be fun to go, but the entire evening was step-by-step what you planned, and that's just weird. It would still be inconsiderate to go to this new place knowing how important it was to you, even w/o the walk in the park and the other stuff.

 

With the update, he sounds like he could be just a little dense and inconsiderate all the way around, and he feels no need to change his ways or consider your feelings. Being close to a sibling is great, but it almost seems like competition with this one. How do you and her get along?

 

Again, it sounds like this relationship was reaching an end point anyway, and you reached a breaking point and so did he. If you were full of rage instead of just being angry, then I would say that was bad, but being angry at yet another proverbial slap in the face, then you were justified. I can't really say if you were wrong in your reaction, as it seems this is just one of many instances, but your reaction may have accelerated his leap out the window.

[ExpatInItaly]

I have two brothers. We have good relationships. However, I would draw the line and puke a little in my mouth if one of them wanted to take me on a "date." Odd dynamic they have going on there.

 

It sounds as though this last "sibling date" was really just the straw that broke the camel's back. There was an ongoing issue of inconsiderate behaviour.

 

However, you are seeing that ultimatums don't usually work, unless you truly intended to end the relationship. He took you up on it. So, that's that. Now you can find a guy who shows you more consideration and doesn't date his sister.

[Been]

You put time into someone who either didn't appreciate it or didn't care.

Don't waste your time with someone like that. If you are willing to do so much for that person and they don't care find someone else that apperciates you as a person and more importantly will put in the same effort you do into the relationship.

[Captivating]

Yes, Lindsay,

Your concerns and being pissed off was justified.

(never give ultimatums though, it's tantrum-like)

 

Are you sure that this "sister" is really his sister and not an ex- girlfriend ?

This is beyond weird that he takes his sister to a date, then he breaks up with you because you are upset about this.

It is like he deliberately wanted to piss you off.

I don't think that this guy has any clue how to date or being considerate to someone.

He needs to fine tune his social skills.

 

I understand that this breakup is painful at the moment but in the long run you might realize that you guys were not compatible. This might have been a blessing in disguise. There are many, many nice guys out there, don't worry.