How to stop obsession and worrying.

[Superunknown91]

Just to recap...I'm 30...never had a girlfriend in my 20s.

I've got a good job, my own flat but I'm disabled too.

 

I have no problems getting dates OLD.

 

The problem for me is when a date goes really well.

 

I become too attached. Constantly thinking about the woman. Thinking does she like me? Thinking are we going to meet again? I keep unintentionally sabotaging her affection for me. For example after first date or second date, I often ask if we're going to meet again so soon. If her texts are not as frequent as the day before, I keep getting doubts in my head, have I put her off? Did I say something wrong? Then when I ask her what's up...by doing that...it puts her off! Thus self sabotaging.

 

How do you guys stop these obsessive thoughts? I know I've been told to multidate so I don't have to focus on one woman but I find it physically and mentally draining. Almost akin to spinning multiple plates at once.

I'm the kind of guy who gives it his all on a date because I want to overcome my disability...awhich is my hearing loss in that case and use my personality to make up for it.

 

Thanks.

Edited August 30, 2017 by Superunknown91

[Superunknown91]

Does anyone have any advice thanks?

[Redhead14]

How do you guys stop these obsessive thoughts?

 

BE NIKE -- JUST DO IT!

[knabe]

Hmmmm....we have another poster here with the same problem and the exact same disability. Maybe he'll stop by with some thoughts.

 

In the meantime, Redhead is right. You just stop. When the thoughts creep in, you distract yourself with something else. And DON'T ask a girl you only had a date or two with what's wrong if she doesn't text enough. It screams needy.

[Redhead14]

If obsessive thoughts are that overwhelming, some people find it useful to keep a rubber band on their wrist. When the thoughts start coming, they snap the rubber band to break that train of thought. You do that for a little while. See if that helps.

[Renae]

I can obsess with the best of them. Instead of trying to stop obsessing, I actually found that giving myself an alloted amount of time of obsession helps. So I internally obsess, I don't ever message or call the person when I obsessing. But I tell myself okay you have 10 minutes to obsess all you want about it. And I run through upteen scenerios and what if and so on and then I am done. If I start to obsess again later I give myself 10 minutes again and move on. I also found quotes that help a ton and I try to remind myself that obsessing doesn't change anything, actually it can send off a really negative vibes, and life will truly go on with or without the other person. It also helps to have friends that allow me to obsess and listen to my what is and that helps sort out my thoughts.

[coolheadal]

Just to recap...I'm 30...never had a girlfriend in my 20s.

I've got a good job, my own flat but I'm disabled too.

 

I have no problems getting dates OLD.

 

The problem for me is when a date goes really well.

 

I become too attached. Constantly thinking about the woman. Thinking does she like me? Thinking are we going to meet again? I keep unintentionally sabotaging her affection for me. For example after first date or second date, I often ask if we're going to meet again so soon. If her texts are not as frequent as the day before, I keep getting doubts in my head, have I put her off? Did I say something wrong? Then when I ask her what's up...by doing that...it puts her off! Thus self sabotaging.

 

How do you guys stop these obsessive thoughts? I know I've been told to multidate so I don't have to focus on one woman but I find it physically and mentally draining. Almost akin to spinning multiple plates at once.

I'm the kind of guy who gives it his all on a date because I want to overcome my disability...awhich is my hearing loss in that case and use my personality to make up for it.

 

Thanks.

 

You got any hobbies other than dating? do you ever consider to sit and be with one self. You think to much of this person and you can't live without them if they're so much into you. That's normal. Call it what you want but you can control it by your mind. Get in touch with it meditation can do wonders to your mind and thought process each day.

 

Change what you normally do in a day, try a different routine..

[act00]

Ranae has some good ideas. Allow yourself an allotted amount of time to obsess and then stop. Find something else to do. The difficult part is sticking to your allotted time and following through on that time, but I think it's a good strategy to tell yourself, you have until 5 to obsess, and then you need to do the dishes and <any other task>.

 

You have to train your brain and it takes a lot of work.

 

You can even allow this as a reward. I'm going to finish <task> and after I finish <task>, I get to obsess for 20 minutes, and then I need to <task>...or I am allowed to obsess at X time for 20 minutes...and chances are, you will be replacing bad habits with good ones and re-train your thinking patterns in the process, and you won't feel the need to obsess for 10 minutes or obsess as a reward.

 

It's not an easy process, but it is a useful tool.

 

If you feel the need to write her messages, do so with no one as a recipient - an email with no one in the "to" box, or notes on your phone or something; just nothing that can be sent by accident or impulsively that you'll regret later, like drunk dialing...just don't. It can help clear your mind to write the message, just don't send it.

 

The bottom line is "just do it." Find useful tools to help you in the process. Do you have chores or errands you need to deal with? Do you owe your mom a phone call? Make a list, and when you've checked off your list, then you get to obsess...and set a time limit.

 

This could help create personal boundaries on texting too much as well. She's busy and has a life, and so do you.

 

There are no easy answers. You need to find ways to redirect your thinking and obsessive patterns, and it takes work.

[Seriousperson]

Just to recap...I'm 30...never had a girlfriend in my 20s.

I've got a good job, my own flat but I'm disabled too.

 

I have no problems getting dates OLD.

 

The problem for me is when a date goes really well.

 

I become too attached. Constantly thinking about the woman. Thinking does she like me? Thinking are we going to meet again? I keep unintentionally sabotaging her affection for me. For example after first date or second date, I often ask if we're going to meet again so soon. If her texts are not as frequent as the day before, I keep getting doubts in my head, have I put her off? Did I say something wrong? Then when I ask her what's up...by doing that...it puts her off! Thus self sabotaging.

 

How do you guys stop these obsessive thoughts? I know I've been told to multidate so I don't have to focus on one woman but I find it physically and mentally draining. Almost akin to spinning multiple plates at once.

I'm the kind of guy who gives it his all on a date because I want to overcome my disability...awhich is my hearing loss in that case and use my personality to make up for it.

 

Thanks.

 

I was the exact same way and I learned to desensitize myself. This was not easy to achieve and I got burned a few times. Have no expectations going in and if everything is good, go w/it. If you feel someone isn't interested, go w/your gut feeling, I have found that this is very accurate.

Edited August 31, 2017 by Seriousperson

[CoolJoe]

A couple questions are in order:

 

1. What do you do for work? What are your work hours like?

 

2. What are your hobbies?

 

3. What is your social circle like? Do you have friends you meet with on a semi-regular basis? Do you text your friends?

 

I was like you once, but I finally learned over time to be myself and the girl had to like me for me. If not, there was no use trying to make it work. It either works or it doesn't, and it doesn't take very long to figure that out.

[Superunknown91]

A couple questions are in order:

 

1. What do you do for work? What are your work hours like?

 

2. What are your hobbies?

 

3. What is your social circle like? Do you have friends you meet with on a semi-regular basis? Do you text your friends?

 

I was like you once, but I finally learned over time to be myself and the girl had to like me for me. If not, there was no use trying to make it work. It either works or it doesn't, and it doesn't take very long to figure that out.

 

 

 

I make websites for a firm. Monday to Friday -9-5.

 

I don't have many friends as they have all settled down, married etc and I only see them the odd weekend.

 

I go to gym for a hour or two 5 x a week.

[Reddice]

Maybe the obsession comes because of the lack of knowledge on the subject of "dating"? I had a similar situation, being single for 21 years and then again for another 3 years. The loliness fed my insecurities, and even more so when my friends were hooking up regularly. I kept applying the bad behaviour which never worked. My physique didn't help either. Not that I'm ugly perse, but I am short and have a reumatic disease which makes my back and neck rigid. So, not quite the catch the ladies are waiting for.

 

At a certain moment I though enough was enough and started following some online dating "gurus". I know they are not always appreciated by people on this website, but it really worked for me. You learn how to handle specific situations and they teach you how to plan ahead. Nowadays, I am no longer afraid of dates and/or losing a girl. I have enough knowledge to succesfully start again if it's ever necessary. Anyway, haven't really been single again since I was 24, I'm 33 now.

[d0nnivain]

You need to set up better boundaries. Start by reducing your expectations.

 

 

In the very beginning, contact does not have to be daily. Just because we have the ability to be in touch 24/7/365 does not mean we should. If the rate/pace of somebody's posts vary from day to day that is normal.

 

 

Try tracking the traffic on the websites you design. It's not identical from day to day. If you get 500 hits one day, 730 the next day & 406 the day after does that mean your website is bad & needs to be scrapped? Of course not.

 

 

If you are getting communication in any form 3-4x per week that should be enough.

 

 

If you see the other person at least once per week that should be enough

 

 

More is gravy not required.

 

 

Be content with less; celebrate more & move on from there.

 

 

When you find yourself obsessing about a new person, stop. Recognize what you are doing. Tell yourself that is not helping. Then get up & do something physical to get your mind off it. Do not indulge yourself for more than 5 minutes when you get these obsessive feelings.