mon. Posted August 30, 2017 Posted August 30, 2017 Hi everybody! Quick question: When a person dumps the other and offers/asks for friendship, after some time of NC for proper healing, should we interpret this offer as genuine or just dumper guilt speaking? I guess respecting the NC means bad feelings, including guilt, have gone and it's really just a friendship attempt now. Or no? Any thoughts?
kortz Posted August 30, 2017 Posted August 30, 2017 (edited) Depends on the relationship between the two people before the break up. Was it long term? Were you in love? Was the breakup amicable or bad? Was there any cheating? If it was amicable and neither side was badly hurt then it could be ok, but the person asking for it has to expect that the answer could be no and then respect that. You also need to consider that for both sides to be friends they need to be totally 100% indifferent about the other person being with someone else. With ex's that's not usually easy and I think a hell of a lot of time would have to pass for that to be the case (unless it was a short term relationship). You need to ask yourself why you want to be friends with an ex and whether any feelings have absolutely totally subsided. With my ex's when this is the case I usually have no interest in being friends with them either bar a couple but many years passed before we reconnected. Edited August 30, 2017 by kortz
Author mon. Posted August 30, 2017 Author Posted August 30, 2017 Good points. I guess a good look at one's one feelings is the key not to feel hurt. 1
FML_101 Posted August 30, 2017 Posted August 30, 2017 For me, I could never be friends with an ex. But I know of people, who have done that. For how long did you date? Were you the one that was broken up with? How long ago did the breakup happen? Are you able to imagine your ex dating others/married with kids and not feel any emotions?
Author mon. Posted August 30, 2017 Author Posted August 30, 2017 I broke up. It's recent but it wasn't a long thing. And we were friends before that and I think we should have stayed as friends only. I feel guilty for hurting him but I'm respecting the healing process. I'm just wondering, when the time comes, if it does, if we'll be able to be friends again. Right now I have these urge to offer him my friendship, but I can't tell if it's guilt or what. I'm not going to reach out now, I want to show all the respect he deserves. I'll let the time pass and assess my feelings later. If I still want friendship then, I'll open up to him, hopefully he'll be on the same page.
FML_101 Posted August 30, 2017 Posted August 30, 2017 If he is heartbroken, I guarantee you he is feeling much worse than you are. You reaching out because of guilt, can be heart wrenching for the dumpee. They could misinterpret your intentions as reconciliation and then, when they find out that wasn't the intention, they start the healing process all over again. Or potentially worse, they say yes, when they aren't anywhere close to being over their ex and then they get their heart broken again when they realize they can't be with you. Then the healing process begins again. I'm not going to pretend to know your relationship or how he feels at the moment, but I think it is always better to default to no contact. Like you said, give him his space and let him heal.
Author mon. Posted August 30, 2017 Author Posted August 30, 2017 Yes, I'm respecting NC. I don't want to hurry on this, despite my current feelings of guilt. I think I'll give it a couple of months. I so much wanted him to have move forward when/if I finally reach out to him, so me contacting wouldn't mean pain on his side - that's the last thing I want.
d0nnivain Posted August 30, 2017 Posted August 30, 2017 When the dumper says let's be friends it is said solely to ease the blow & really means I don't want to hate you & I'd like to be civil. It does not mean let's have a friendship where we interact regularly. Dumpees should not accept friendship, other than the being civil if the two people accidently bump into each other which happens in a small town. The dumpee doesn't need an open reminder of what they can't have. There is no "after some time of NC". NC is forever. You broke up. The EX is out of your life. There is no reason to purposefully reach out or maintain social media connections. Any new SO won't like it. Do you really want your EX knowing your personal business & do you want to see their new life without you? Polite is all that is ever required
SevenCity Posted August 30, 2017 Posted August 30, 2017 If he is heartbroken, I guarantee you he is feeling much worse than you are. You reaching out because of guilt, can be heart wrenching for the dumpee. They could misinterpret your intentions as reconciliation and then, when they find out that wasn't the intention, they start the healing process all over again. Or potentially worse, they say yes, when they aren't anywhere close to being over their ex and then they get their heart broken again when they realize they can't be with you. Then the healing process begins again. I'm not going to pretend to know your relationship or how he feels at the moment, but I think it is always better to default to no contact. Like you said, give him his space and let him heal. This. When you dumped him you ran the risk of never talking to him again. Right now you may miss him being in your life but it takes a really selfish person to put their own needs above someone they hurt. Your feelings of guilt will not hold a candle to his pain. Seriously, leave him alone. You hurt him once, don't do it again. 1
Author mon. Posted August 31, 2017 Author Posted August 31, 2017 Thanks for all your thoughts. It's good to have perspective. I don't want to hurt him by "showing him what he can't have. 1
whatnot Posted August 31, 2017 Posted August 31, 2017 Thanks for all your thoughts. It's good to have perspective. I don't want to hurt him by "showing him what he can't have.you also don't want the hurt of being shown what you can't get something tells me that you may be wondering Easing guilt is used a lot on this forum. Heck....I never wanted to "ease my guilt". What I wanted was verification that I could have her back if I so choose.
Author mon. Posted August 31, 2017 Author Posted August 31, 2017 something tells me that you may be wondering No, not really. I think I just want his forgiveness. There was no cheating or anything major, but I'm sorry I changed our status, should have stayed friends only. I think I can say I gave him false hopes. I apologized (again) today, as it's still recent. Just wrote him an email saying I'm sorry for playing with his feelings, although it wasn't my intention. I wouldn't be feeling bad if this was all a game to me. (Didn't write this part) He hasn't responded. Perhaps I shouldn't have sent anything. But I reasoned "better now than too late". And I'm glad I did it. I have no problems assuming responsability for my mistakes. But now I'm leaving him alone for good. Won't reach out at all looking for friendship or anything. I'm a bit perfeccionist, I guess. We all make mistakes but I hate myself when I make them, specially when they affect others :/ 1
whatnot Posted August 31, 2017 Posted August 31, 2017 No, not really. I think I just want his forgiveness. There was no cheating or anything major, but I'm sorry I changed our status, should have stayed friends only. I think I can say I gave him false hopes. I apologized (again) today, as it's still recent. Just wrote him an email saying I'm sorry for playing with his feelings, although it wasn't my intention. I wouldn't be feeling bad if this was all a game to me. (Didn't write this part) He hasn't responded. Perhaps I shouldn't have sent anything. But I reasoned "better now than too late". And I'm glad I did it. I have no problems assuming responsability for my mistakes. But now I'm leaving him alone for good. Won't reach out at all looking for friendship or anything. I'm a bit perfeccionist, I guess. We all make mistakes but I hate myself when I make them, specially when they affect others :/ Cool. We're just different then. When I dump someone....it makes me feel *more* guilty to be writing or calling again. I always feel as if I've done more than enough damage. But as you say...we all get closure in our own way. It's an individual thing
kortz Posted August 31, 2017 Posted August 31, 2017 No, not really. I think I just want his forgiveness. There was no cheating or anything major, but I'm sorry I changed our status, should have stayed friends only. I think I can say I gave him false hopes. I apologized (again) today, as it's still recent. Just wrote him an email saying I'm sorry for playing with his feelings, although it wasn't my intention. I wouldn't be feeling bad if this was all a game to me. (Didn't write this part) He hasn't responded. Perhaps I shouldn't have sent anything. But I reasoned "better now than too late". And I'm glad I did it. I have no problems assuming responsability for my mistakes. But now I'm leaving him alone for good. Won't reach out at all looking for friendship or anything. I'm a bit perfeccionist, I guess. We all make mistakes but I hate myself when I make them, specially when they affect others :/ As well intentioned as it was you shouldn't have sent it, but now that it is done you really need to leave him be and accept that if he doesn't want to reply or to contact you then you just have to leave it. From a dumpee's perspective a note saying sorry or trying to be nice doesn't really fix or change anything, it doesn't remove the feelings of hurt or the fact you're broken up and it can make things worse. If he's trying to heal and move on then receiving something like that can bring a load of feelings rushing back. Break ups happen and are a big part of life but so is the healing and moving on process so you can't rush anything or have any expectations, all you can do now is learn from the things that have happened so that you can better avoid or handle them in the future. And remind yourself that he will be ok. It takes time but he'll be ok. 2
Author mon. Posted August 31, 2017 Author Posted August 31, 2017 And remind yourself that he will be ok. It takes time but he'll be ok. Thanks a lot!!! Yeah, what's done is done...
SevenCity Posted August 31, 2017 Posted August 31, 2017 No, not really. I think I just want his forgiveness. There was no cheating or anything major, but I'm sorry I changed our status, should have stayed friends only. I think I can say I gave him false hopes. I apologized (again) today, as it's still recent. Just wrote him an email saying I'm sorry for playing with his feelings, although it wasn't my intention. I wouldn't be feeling bad if this was all a game to me. (Didn't write this part) He hasn't responded. Perhaps I shouldn't have sent anything. But I reasoned "better now than too late". And I'm glad I did it. I have no problems assuming responsability for my mistakes. But now I'm leaving him alone for good. Won't reach out at all looking for friendship or anything. I'm a bit perfeccionist, I guess. We all make mistakes but I hate myself when I make them, specially when they affect others :/ Yes, you should not have sent anything. Easing your guilt was paramount to any ill effects your communication has caused. It amazes me that people convince themselves they are doing something for the dumped when in fact it is the most selfish move you can make. Rest assured your letter did nothing but hurt him. Sure hope you feel better. 1
FML_101 Posted September 1, 2017 Posted September 1, 2017 (edited) You went from giving it a couple months to contact him, to contacting him within 24 hours. You shouldn't have sent anything. However, I'm glad you feel better about yourself though, enjoy your guilt free conscience. *rolls eyes* Edited September 1, 2017 by FML_101
Author mon. Posted September 1, 2017 Author Posted September 1, 2017 He opened up and said exactly why he was upset - not simply breaking up, how he felt about false hopes and I was able to sincerely apologize not for what I thought I'd done, but for what I did according to him and his feelings. It was a necessary conversation and I know now I should not reach out again, and I won't. We're adults and things must be addressed. They have been and now we're moving to the next step: healing. 1
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