Tips for ending dead end OLD first meets early

[fiskadoro]

Someone gave me good advice once: keep the first meetup to a pre-agreed 30 - 45 minutes. Say something like "Let's grab a quick drink at 8, I only have about 45 minutes but I have been looking forward to meeting up with you and don't wanna delay it too long, is that cool?". That way you can always look like a hero for staying longer than 45 minutes, or keep your word and leave after 30 minutes or so.

 

Plus that is enough time to get a drink but not enough time to eat dinner, and the first date should be loose and easy, not pressure filled. Drinks loosen things up, but dates (with me at least) always give me the chance to spill some food on myself, have some bits of food fall out of my mouth as I eat, or chew like a cow. A former coworker - who had a crush on me?? - told me I chewed like a cow, and it will haunt me to my dying days.

[joseb]

I can assure you I wasn't interested. I have trouble being assertive, I am somewhat shy and really pushy guys tend to overpower me. I wasn't able to get out of it without turning it into a rude argument. I can argue that it's more dangerous pissing off a pushy stranger who is much taller and stronger than you than endure 15 minutes of walking and end it on a more positive note.

 

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All he was doing was basic escalating. As you didn't seem uncomfortable with casual touching then he would assume you are at least somewhat interested. Same for agreeing to walking. Look at it from his perspective. You seemed interested.

 

All you had to do is say "no thanks" to the walk, no need for a big argument.

[No_Go]

All he was doing was basic escalating. As you didn't seem uncomfortable with casual touching then he would assume you are at least somewhat interested. Same for agreeing to walking. Look at it from his perspective. You seemed interested.

 

All you had to do is say "no thanks" to the walk, no need for a big argument.

 

That's kind of manipulative behavior. Where are men learning this escalation tactic?

 

My ex explained it to me once: he said if the woman agrees to continue the date, she's interested. Then he probes her with hand holding and if she's not pulling away - a kiss.

 

From my perspective: if I'm not terrified by the guy- I'd go for a walk to be polite. Hand holding - sure if I'm not repulsed. None of these suggests attraction at the slightest. Men read it all wrong .

[fiskadoro]

That's kind of manipulative behavior. Where are men learning this escalation tactic?

 

My ex explained it to me once: he said if the woman agrees to continue the date, she's interested. Then he probes her with hand holding and if she's not pulling away - a kiss.

 

From my perspective: if I'm not terrified by the guy- I'd go for a walk to be polite. Hand holding - sure if I'm not repulsed. None of these suggests attraction at the slightest. Men read it all wrong .

 

Agreeing to go for a walk means that you enjoy the person's company, or want to get to know them.

 

Also, holding hands with someone definitely signifies interest! To suggest it doesn't is somewhat obtuse. Why on earth would you hold hands with someone if you had no attraction?? It's easy enough to pull your hand away.

[No_Go]

Enjoying someone's company or conversation do not suggest romantic interest whatsoever. E.g. I went once on a date with some awful guy that I had no attraction to, but he was telling him about how he started his business and the topic was informative/interesting to me. That's why the date was long.

 

Holding hands... says that the woman is not repulsed. That's that. Possible reasons: the guy is super aggressive doing it, it is still a pretty minor physical intimacy, so she figures out - why not. It is d*mn hand hold, not a bl*wjob.

 

I think the way to escalate is to state intentions clearly, not try to 'probe' underestimating her mental capabilities - she knows what's going on, why not just make it clear.

 

Agreeing to go for a walk means that you enjoy the person's company, or want to get to know them.

 

Also, holding hands with someone definitely signifies interest! To suggest it doesn't is somewhat obtuse. Why on earth would you hold hands with someone if you had no attraction?? It's easy enough to pull your hand away.

[Robratory]

As for where I live, I am in a secure apartment building with double security doors and a doorman. It's also a large building and he has no clue what floor, let alone apartment I live in. If I lived in a house or a unit, I would be way more careful. This way, I am not worried.

 

Well, what if he kept being pushy all the way to your apartment door. Then all the inside your apartment. Then all the way inside of you. And you never said no.

 

Ask yourself this -- how can men learn that "no" means "no" when women like you keep teaching them that it doesn't mean "no?"

[joseb]

That's kind of manipulative behavior. Where are men learning this escalation tactic?

 

My ex explained it to me once: he said if the woman agrees to continue the date, she's interested. Then he probes her with hand holding and if she's not pulling away - a kiss.

 

From my perspective: if I'm not terrified by the guy- I'd go for a walk to be polite. Hand holding - sure if I'm not repulsed. None of these suggests attraction at the slightest. Men read it all wrong .

 

Well if you say that showing interest and trying to gauge it is manipulative, then sure.

 

What are guys supposed to do exactly.....

 

If I'm on a date I'm going to try to figure out if a woman is interested or not so I don't waste mine or her time.

 

And absolutely no way I'd hold hands with someone Im not attracted to on a date

Why would you do that?

 

If the op was interested she would be happy with all that happened.

[Robratory]

Enjoying someone's company or conversation do not suggest romantic interest whatsoever.

 

If you're on a date, they certainly do. The purpose of the date, after all, is precisely to find romantic interest.

 

You can tell yourself otherwise all you want, but if you're on a date or an OLD meeting, and you tell the person, "I'm enjoying your company," you can be assured that they're going to interpret it to mean, "I like you."

 

Think about it. How else can you signal your interest? "I want to f*** you" may be more honest, but we live in a world of etiquette.

[joseb]

I think the way to escalate is to state intentions clearly, not try to 'probe' underestimating her mental capabilities - she knows what's going on, why not just make it clear.

 

No no no.

It sounds logical, but it just doesn't work with most women. Just read the threads on here. They find that a turn off, not romantic and not showing confidence.

[No_Go]

Well in defense of this strategy for escalation (gauging reactions) - it kind of works... I'm thinking if my ex didn't take such a forward approach I wouldn't have dated him, we just didn't have enough in common.

 

As I'm older now I'd love the tell me not test me approach but you're right - most men don't pull it off right...

[Eternal Sunshine]

Well, what if he kept being pushy all the way to your apartment door. Then all the inside your apartment. Then all the way inside of you. And you never said no.

 

Ask yourself this -- how can men learn that "no" means "no" when women like you keep teaching them that it doesn't mean "no?"

 

I gave him so many signals that any man would know that I'm not interested. This guy was super arrogant and I think he doesn't think anyone would reject him.

 

1. I sat in the cafe with my arms crossed leaning back and far away from him.

 

2. When I finished my first coffee he offered me another one and I said "actually I have to leave soon, early work meeting, I need to prepare".

 

3. He then said "how about a quick walk, it's a nice evening"

 

4. I said "I should really get going"

 

5. He said "I promise it will be short."

 

6. I reculanctly agreed. I kept my arms crossed. Walked far from him and was completely frozen when he lightly touched me with no reciprocication..

 

99% of guys would have long since gotten the hint a given up.

 

7. I did refuse to kiss him or even let him kiss me on the cheek. I do have boundaries even though I agree that I should be more assertive. I would have never let him into my apartment

[Miss Spider]

Ugh. Met a guy like that. He was complaining about his ex, how he was never attracted to her but she sort of trapped him in a relationship and they both became codependent alcoholics but he's been sober for awhile now. Typical first date oversharer.

 

He said we matched on tinder before but didn't message me because he was going through a phase where he was empty and just using women for sex but now he felt ready for something serious Charming.

 

I sent him basically every social cue possible I wanted to get out of there and he kept ordering lattes. I'm not assertive either. I don't want to be b*tchy to a guy unless push comes to shove but he wouldn't let me go. I got so mad I said I had to go to the restroom and just left. Not my finest moment, but the guy was downright creeping me out

 

Recently I made tinder again and he supermatched me. I wonder what that's about it I'll never know

[BryanSmiley]

I think a set 'date 1 = coffee' can be a little predictable. Yes it's safe as a default all rounder.

 

But I dunno, how about with the technology available, going...

 

Texting via OLD app > Texting via Mob > Audio/video call via Mob.

 

The latter in particular I think can tell you a lot about how well you can get along and talk.

 

Then, you can explore options of the first date for the 10% whom you get that good sense about from an audio/video call.

 

 

 

Oh, and the tone of some saying "I'm sorry but I don't think it's a Match, bye" doesn't come across well, to me.

 

Sounds like a person playing themselves as the powerful prize, when in the 21st century, 2 adults of the opposite sex should be able to socialise for an hour or two, without the need for such bluntness. Just avoid touching and try to steer it to a friendly way, and end if saying friends is all you saw/felt. Everyone's happy.

[Robratory]

I gave him so many signals that any man would know that I'm not interested. This guy was super arrogant and I think he doesn't think anyone would reject him.

 

1. I sat in the cafe with my arms crossed leaning back and far away from him.

 

2. When I finished my first coffee he offered me another one and I said "actually I have to leave soon, early work meeting, I need to prepare".

 

3. He then said "how about a quick walk, it's a nice evening"

 

4. I said "I should really get going"

 

5. He said "I promise it will be short."

 

6. I reculanctly agreed. I kept my arms crossed. Walked far from him and was completely frozen when he lightly touched me with no reciprocication..

 

99% of guys would have long since gotten the hint a given up.

 

7. I did refuse to kiss him or even let him kiss me on the cheek. I do have boundaries even though I agree that I should be more assertive. I would have never let him into my apartment

 

Signals don't count. That's why we have words. And it's not enough to just use words, we have to use the right words. "I should really get going," can easily mean that you know you're supposed to do something but are on the fence and are easily convinced of not doing that something. To the male ears, it means that you don't want to appear too easy but are still interested.

 

At #4, you could have said, "No, thanks. I really don't want to."

 

And after his #5, you could have said, "Thank you, but no. I do not wish to go on a walk, even if it's short."

 

This is precisely the kind of guy you have to hit over the head with a clue-by-four.

 

Sorry if I persist, but I have a dim view of the female lack of assertiveness.

[Robratory]

I sent him basically every social cue possible I wanted to get out of there and he kept ordering lattes. I'm not assertive either. I don't want to be b*tchy to a guy unless

 

But social cues don't work when you want something very badly, and you feel, however subconsciously, that the only way to obtain it is precisely to ignore the social cues.

 

By now, it's impossible to go back in time and figure out what happened. Perhaps the evil patriarchy made sex so shameful to women that women had to pretend they weren't interested in it, so regular men (not the actual patriarchs) quickly figured out that the only way to get sex was to brush past the woman's pretend objections to it.

 

"I know you're saying no so you don't look like a loose woman, but I know that, once you protest enough to establish that you're not a loose woman, you'll be agreeable, so I'll just keep pushing."

 

But we have to break that cycle. Say what you mean, and mean what you say. If the world has a problem, that's the world's problem.

[Eternal Sunshine]

This guy has texted me the same night saying "I had a great time tonight, when can I see you again? Don't work too hard lol".

 

I didn't respond.

 

He called me yesterday and left a lengthy voicemail to call him back.

 

I didn't respond.

 

2 missed calls today.

 

I am just going to send him a text along the lines of "sorry we are not a match"

 

I cancelled a second date with another guy tonight. He was really sweet and booked a nice restaurant for dinner but I decided that I feel zero excitement at the prospect of seeing him again. I have never had my feelings grow for someone I was "meh" about and I figure there is no point in wasting anyone's time (including my own)

 

I think I will take Ruby's advice of a longer screening process and only meeting guys I feel genuinely excited to meet.