[URGENT] My girlfriend wants to ghost me because her mom has cancer.

[theteddybear]

Hey Loveshack.

Just found you guys and need your help. Sorry for the large post but this is very urgent. I'll be forever grateful.

 

About a month ago I met this girl on a dating app. We were both into each other and things went great- she was practically the female version of me. After about 3 weeks she surprised me by coming down to Houston (where I live, only a city away because she's in Austin) and I was able to take her out to lunch. Our first date went great. I know you may think this is oversight, but nothing has seriously gone wrong at this point.

 

After the date, we message each other about how much fun we had. About 3 days go by and we start to message again. She said that it was because of schoolwork, which was perfectly fine. Driving back to Austin and then having 5 projects waiting for you is understandable to take a few days off.

 

But she also told me that the day after we went on a date, her mom was diagnosed with throat cancer- which is horrible. She said she had to work two jobs to take care of her whole family since all of her stepdad's money is going to her mom's chemotherapy. (Which is an outrageous obligation at her age, but nevertheless..) I perfectly understood her absence and went on like normal. But after we talked then.. a day goes by. Then a week.

 

This seems odd to me. My mom had breast cancer and I took care of her for years. No matter how busy you are, I feel as if you'd have time to message your boyfriend. And reminder, I'm in Houston, so this last week I went through Hurricane Harvey- and plenty of tornado warnings. So not having her for that wasn't pleasant.

 

My friend offered to make an account on the app we're using to communicate (Snapchat) and I allowed him to, and he added her. After a week of not even opening my messages, she adds him. I'm feeling pretty sick at that point- nothing has gone wrong. We were all smiles and blushes after the date, what's going on?

 

I make a new account and add her. She adds me back within 5 minutes. I pose as my friend. This is the conversation so far (I introduced myself but I'm skipping that part.):

 

>me: "Your boyfriend <not putting my name here sorry> just went through a hurricane in the past week and almost lost his house and you're still ignoring him. You have no idea how much he talks about you to me and how much he loves you. Why are you doing this to him? He's scared you've stopped caring for him. I'm sorry if this is intrusive but I guess he's like a little brother to me."

>her: "Every time I get free time, I'm driving to my jobs or the hospital, and I hate making him upset and leaving him hanging when we start talking."

>me: "He really misses you.. you don't know how he feels now. He thinks you don't love him anymore. That he's ****ed up the date somehow, and you're ghosting him."

>her: "I just don't know what to do. I don't want to hurt him, so letting him forget me seemed like the best option."

>me: "Do you love him still?"

>her: "Of course I do."

>me: "Because he really loves you."

>her: "I know he does. I just don't have any time."

>me: "And the worst thing you could do is leave him. You don't have time to just send a heart emoji or something to him each day? Cause he said he'd be fine with that. He just wants to be your boyfriend, and I hope you're not going to give up somebody who loves you more than anything in this world and wants to make you as happy as he can for a temporary scenario you're in. He understands you're busy, and he's okay with it. Hell, he's already planning a way to go see you in September before December. If you love him, which I'm praying you do, please find some time to show him. He's okay with you having to go when you do. His mom had breast cancer, you know. He took care of her for years. He still has to help her every night. But he loves you and you're his life, <not putting girlfriend's name here>. Please don't leave that."

 

I haven't gotten a response yet- she hasn't opened it yet. And before people say that I shouldn't be giving speeches, both of us do it. Ironically, that's one of the reasons why we're so in common. So that isn't an issue I believe.

 

I need some help though.. and quickly. I love this girl passionately, and I know she feels for me too. I just think it would be stupid to lose her because she feels as if she'll hurt me by being busy making money to support her family because her stepdad's money is going to her mom's chemotherapy.

 

 

Thanks in advance Loveshack.

- theteddybear

[Moslem]

I wouldn't even believe the mother has cancer to be honest.

[theteddybear]

I wouldn't even believe the mother has cancer to be honest.

I thought that too but I know she isn't the type of person to lie about that. She's had some issues that she's been comfortable talking to me about with her body (her possibly being sterile, for instance), so I would doubt that she'd be that open about that and then lie about something medical here. Who knows.. all I know is that she hasn't given me a reason to believe otherwise.

[Gaeta]

You met her ONE month ago. Drop her.

[bummer]

Hey Loveshack.

 

About a month ago I met this girl on a dating app... After about 3 weeks she surprised me by coming down to Houston (where I live, only a city away because she's in Austin) and I was able to take her out to lunch. Our first date went great...

 

 

But she also told me that the day after we went on a date, her mom was diagnosed with throat cancer- which is horrible...

 

No matter how busy you are, I feel as if you'd have time to message your boyfriend...

 

Hey, you went on one date and she got busy. Let it go. Go help flood victims and move on. Might find someone more local to date while you are out helping people.

[Zahara]

A month ago and one date? Please move on. You seem to have attached to her really intensely to the point you're going through such lengths to get her to talk. It doesn't sound healthy on your part.

[knabe]

Let me be blunt:

 

Her mom is more important than you are. You juggled all sorts of things when your mom had cancer. Good for you. She is not you. Do you know what kind of cancer it is? What stage? A friend of mine was diagnosed with cancer and was dead 3 months later. And a mother/daughter relationship is different from mother/son.

 

You've known her 1 month. If you cannot understand why her mom's needs would trump yours, I'm not sure what to tell you.

 

I'm real sorry about the hurricane. I have family in it too. But sitting around waiting for water to recede is a bit different than helping a mother through treatments.

 

You are being selfish, plain and simple.

 

And posing as someone else to guilt her? Creepy. Just....wrong. Stop it.

[morrowrd]

Your "friend" on snapchat chatting with her is a poor game on your part. She's not into you. Welcome to online dating where people "disappear" because they can. It's not a good thing to make someone think you're into them, an then fade without explanation or in your case, a made up explanation. I don't believe her story to be honest, but what I think is worse, is your response. You are losing yourself with this person who really wants out. Stop puppy dogging and stalking, whining and pining. Be a man, and walk away.

 

Here's what I would do. Stop communicating completely, no proxies - nothing. See what happens.

 

Call a spade a spade. Cut your losses, maintain your dignity, and move on.

[Redhead14]

You're calling her your girlfriend a month after meeting and only one date????!!!! Paleeze. That's desperation to a spectacular degree. She isn't ghosting you. She's just got a lot on her plate and you are just a guy she just met . . . If her mother doesn't have cancer and she's creating that scenario, she's really desperate to move on from you for one reason or another and doesn't know how to just be honest. Usually, if someone makes up a story like that with such detail, they do it because they are sensing that the other person is too into them too soon and sense the desperation.

[knabe]

I feel sad pity for the kind of bitterness that would make people assume a daughter is lying about cancer. It must be sad in their world.

 

OP, don't fall into the trap of the small and bitter. Just let her go.

[theteddybear]

Let me be blunt:

 

Her mom is more important than you are. You juggled all sorts of things when your mom had cancer. Good for you. She is not you. Do you know what kind of cancer it is? What stage? A friend of mine was diagnosed with cancer and was dead 3 months later. And a mother/daughter relationship is different from mother/son.

 

You've known her 1 month. If you cannot understand why her mom's needs would trump yours, I'm not sure what to tell you.

 

I'm real sorry about the hurricane. I have family in it too. But sitting around waiting for water to recede is a bit different than helping a mother through treatments.

 

You are being selfish, plain and simple.

 

And posing as someone else to guilt her? Creepy. Just....wrong. Stop it.

I know it's throat cancer. She hasn't said what stage to me but she did say she's expected to live.. so I'd presume 1 or 2.

[d0nnivain]

Glad to see you on here & posting. Hope you & yours are safe in the aftermath of Harvey.

 

 

Did you ever think you were putting too much pressure on her? You met her one month ago; you went on 1 lunch date; it's an LDR (Houston to Austin isn't just down the street even by Texas standards); her mom has cancer; she is going to school & working 2 jobs; and you are professing to love her. Way too much emotion packed into too spurious of an interaction.

 

 

She has time to add your friend & you pretending to be your friend. She has time to have long chats with them but not you. There's something disingenuous about her professions of love for you. It's also really bizarre that she would have such personal conversations over an app with somebody (your buddy & you faking to be your buddy) she has never actually met.

[amaysngrace]

Poor girl has got enough on her plate she doesn't need a stage four clinger too.

 

Then you lie and pretend you're somebody else just to give her a guilt trip?

 

How is this "love" ?

[Imajerk17]

I'm just trying to follow all this here. This is my recap on what happened:

 

1. You connected w a girl who is extended distance from you via a dating app about a month ago--you in Houston, Texas; her in Austin, Texas. (Austin and Houston are a fair drive away from each other, Texas is quite a big state!)

 

2. You met up twice and talked all this time in between.

 

3. She tells you the day after your most recent date that her mom has cancer and that she will have to work an awful lot. Then after a day or so of telling you that big news and still talking, she ghosts on you suddenly. (I think I am following fine up to this point.)

 

4. In an effort to get contact with her, you had your friend make an account and add her on a messenger app. She in turn added your friend, because why again

 

5. You used the account your friend made up for you to try to talk to her posing as your friend. You actually got her to open up somewhat about why she disappeared. So, she opened up more to (whom she thought was) your friend, than she would to you about your relationship

 

Is this correct OP?

 

I think you need to let her go. Your relationship was only a month long and you only saw each other twice, and so it makes perfect sense that she would forget about you in light of her mom's diagnosis. (So I don't agree with your opinion that she "should" be able to continue with you just because you were able to date someone and take care of your family in a past situation.)

 

I do agree with you that it is a shame she didn't just tell you straight up that she can't do this with you, but people tend to suck at straight-up confrontation.

Edited August 29, 2017 by Imajerk17

[JuneL]

If I understand correctly, you met only once, and she attempted to ghost you after that meeting? She's not attracted to you in person, sorry!

[BaileyB]

You love this girl "passionately" but - you've known her a month... Are you for real?

 

She's probably thinking - my mom has cancer, my life is a disaster right now, and I've ONLY had one date with this guy...

 

Do you understand what I'm saying? You have very different expectations about the relationship.

 

Sorry dude, her mom has cancer and the family is struggling to cope - you are the first to go. She doesn't have time for a long distance relationship right now.

 

I will say, my mom was diagnosed with cancer and spent almost the next six months in and out of hospital before she died. I didn't go to work, I didn't see my friends, I definitely didn't date... the circumstances and treatment is different for every cancer, every person, every family... so, don't project how you dealt with your mom's cancer and think that it in any way reflects what she is feeling/experiencing at this time.

 

And finally... pretending to be someone else to tell her to call you and/or keep dating you is... well, it's immature and disrespectful. Grow up!

Edited August 30, 2017 by BaileyB

[bluefeather]

I just think it would be stupid to lose her because...

 

You can't lose her because she was never yours. You couldn't take the hint that she didn't want to talk to you anymore, and now you're posing as a fake person on the internet to talk to her? That's really creepy. Leave her alone.

[coolheadal]

Hey Loveshack.

Just found you guys and need your help. Sorry for the large post but this is very urgent. I'll be forever grateful.

 

About a month ago I met this girl on a dating app. We were both into each other and things went great- she was practically the female version of me. After about 3 weeks she surprised me by coming down to Houston (where I live, only a city away because she's in Austin) and I was able to take her out to lunch. Our first date went great. I know you may think this is oversight, but nothing has seriously gone wrong at this point.

 

After the date, we message each other about how much fun we had. About 3 days go by and we start to message again. She said that it was because of schoolwork, which was perfectly fine. Driving back to Austin and then having 5 projects waiting for you is understandable to take a few days off.

 

But she also told me that the day after we went on a date, her mom was diagnosed with throat cancer- which is horrible. She said she had to work two jobs to take care of her whole family since all of her stepdad's money is going to her mom's chemotherapy. (Which is an outrageous obligation at her age, but nevertheless..) I perfectly understood her absence and went on like normal. But after we talked then.. a day goes by. Then a week.

 

This seems odd to me. My mom had breast cancer and I took care of her for years. No matter how busy you are, I feel as if you'd have time to message your boyfriend. And reminder, I'm in Houston, so this last week I went through Hurricane Harvey- and plenty of tornado warnings. So not having her for that wasn't pleasant.

 

My friend offered to make an account on the app we're using to communicate (Snapchat) and I allowed him to, and he added her. After a week of not even opening my messages, she adds him. I'm feeling pretty sick at that point- nothing has gone wrong. We were all smiles and blushes after the date, what's going on?

 

I make a new account and add her. She adds me back within 5 minutes. I pose as my friend. This is the conversation so far (I introduced myself but I'm skipping that part.):

 

>me: "Your boyfriend <not putting my name here sorry> just went through a hurricane in the past week and almost lost his house and you're still ignoring him. You have no idea how much he talks about you to me and how much he loves you. Why are you doing this to him? He's scared you've stopped caring for him. I'm sorry if this is intrusive but I guess he's like a little brother to me."

>her: "Every time I get free time, I'm driving to my jobs or the hospital, and I hate making him upset and leaving him hanging when we start talking."

>me: "He really misses you.. you don't know how he feels now. He thinks you don't love him anymore. That he's ****ed up the date somehow, and you're ghosting him."

>her: "I just don't know what to do. I don't want to hurt him, so letting him forget me seemed like the best option."

>me: "Do you love him still?"

>her: "Of course I do."

>me: "Because he really loves you."

>her: "I know he does. I just don't have any time."

>me: "And the worst thing you could do is leave him. You don't have time to just send a heart emoji or something to him each day? Cause he said he'd be fine with that. He just wants to be your boyfriend, and I hope you're not going to give up somebody who loves you more than anything in this world and wants to make you as happy as he can for a temporary scenario you're in. He understands you're busy, and he's okay with it. Hell, he's already planning a way to go see you in September before December. If you love him, which I'm praying you do, please find some time to show him. He's okay with you having to go when you do. His mom had breast cancer, you know. He took care of her for years. He still has to help her every night. But he loves you and you're his life, <not putting girlfriend's name here>. Please don't leave that."

 

I haven't gotten a response yet- she hasn't opened it yet. And before people say that I shouldn't be giving speeches, both of us do it. Ironically, that's one of the reasons why we're so in common. So that isn't an issue I believe.

 

I need some help though.. and quickly. I love this girl passionately, and I know she feels for me too. I just think it would be stupid to lose her because she feels as if she'll hurt me by being busy making money to support her family because her stepdad's money is going to her mom's chemotherapy.

 

 

Thanks in advance Loveshack.

- theteddybear

 

She told you already even under this other account. Your in denial..You need to leave her alone and move on.. She is doing whatever she wants too. Can't change her mind. She will never give you want you want, she can't and won't do it. Just leave it at that. The fling, the flirt, and the teasing is done. She's moved on to the next guy. She doesn't want things seriously.. She has her mom and her work no time for you!

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, you are being incredibly selfish.

 

This poor girl has too much on her plate for a guy she's known one month. You barely know each other. Then you get butt-hurt and pose as someone else in an attempt to guilt-trip her? Come on, man. That's just wrong and when you're resorting to that level of manipulation just to get someone's attention, your relationship is already over.

 

I understand you like the girl, but passionate love after 30 days and only one meet-up? You're confusing love with lust.

[TunaCat]

My family, especially my mom, would be far more important to me than a guy I met only a month ago.

 

You are being quite selfish and immature. Not everyone handles family health issues in the same way. Just because you handled it one way does not mean that everyone should or even can handle it the same way.

 

Leave this woman alone and move on.

[One Hope One Quest]

I think she has probably met another guy to be honest.

[One Hope One Quest]

and I do think there's a decent chance she might be lying about her Mum having Cancer.

It's disgusting but some People really can stoop that low!

[Gr8fuln2020]

Poor girl has got enough on her plate she doesn't need a stage four clinger too.

 

Then you lie and pretend you're somebody else just to give her a guilt trip?

 

How is this "love" ?

 

...and he and she are both in love????? After one date????? Too much dysfunction going on in this 'relationship.'

[GemmaUK]

How incredibly selfish and manipulative of you all of this is!

 

If I were her I would be running for the hills whether or not her story is true, sounds like she has, good for her!

 

Your behaviour is definitely that of a person whom I for one would advise anyone to stop contact with.

[knabe]

and I do think there's a decent chance she might be lying about her Mum having Cancer.

It's disgusting but some People really can stoop that low!

 

Is this based on knowing either of these people, or is it just based on general bitterness?

 

Oh, and having more than one account is not allowed here.