coolheadal Posted August 30, 2017 Posted August 30, 2017 I know recovery is not an easy thing at all, it's not going to be an easy journey, and plenty of people have relapses with that along the way but it is possible. A good friend of my boyfriends, who I mentioned in this post, is also in recovery.. his life was in total shambles.. he had problems for years and years and years, but he turned things around for himself little by little and built a life for himself.. had a car, a job, pays rent, has savings.. etc.. he's been clean for nine months now.. I know in no way does that mean someone is cured, but everybody has different bottoms they hit where they realize they want to change. If they aren't ready themselves to do it, no rehab or meeting is going to help. I truly believe in my heart that this is what my boyfriend needed in order to shake him up.. maybe it's just wishful thinking but everybody in his family also agrees with me. Time will tell. As far as his case, and the whole bail, and him possibly not telling me the truth with what's going on - I know for a fact he isn't lying about it because I'm talking directly to his sister/family who is in contact with his public defender and went to his court hearing. Nothing is being hidden from me. No one understands what your going through only you do. My advise this take each day like a grain of salt. I know you love and trust him but the rest you have to think about. I think no matter what your going to stick this out with him because what do you really got to loose at this point of time with him. He sure love you too other wise you wouldn't have gone through all of this so far. Just remember your not alone in this we're all supporting you to be with him. Well those of us who do. The others don't mean bad, they just won't do what you and I would do if I had too, but you stand by your partner no matter what! Coping is the hard part loving them is the easy part!
Author vc87 Posted August 30, 2017 Author Posted August 30, 2017 You want so desperately to believe but it's all a house of cards. I don't for one second believe the buddy who turned his life around is still clean. Addicts are warned to stay away from their old friends & old habits because it's too easy to slip back especially when you haven't been clean & sober for a short time. I suppose you can wait & see what happens when your BF is released. My guess he will use in jail & he will use 1st thing when he gets out, even before he sees you. With this conviction on his record it will be quite difficult for him to find work in the future. Are you prepared to be the sole bread winner? I know I am being optimistic with his whole recovery, I understand it's gonna be a long road ahead, now might be bumps he's going to hit but I'm just trying to stay positive that this really will be the turning point, but like I said time will tell . I know for a fact that his friend is clean, he lives in my boyfriends house, and there were plenty of times where I actually saw him when he had used, ( it's funny how I could automatically tell when he was on something - unfortunately was not the case with my boyfriend) he is 100% clean.. he had a few friends o who overdosed this year, and having to lose them was a wake up call like this is not worth it. Recovery is a day-to-day process, but if you can make it through one more, you're doinf something right. I told him multiple times, that a big fear that me and his family have is that he's going to get out and go right back to using, but my boyfriend is insisting that he has no interest anymore with it after this. he also said that if he really wanted to he could do stuff in there. He was offered dope multiple times by inmates before he got switched to the new drug program and turned it down. Just from talking to him and seeing how different and alive he looks, I know he is being genuine with it. If he does get released, he is going to be on probation for a while, so he's going to be drug tested. If any of those come back positive, he would automatically go back to jail. With this new drug program that he is in currently, he is in with a bunch of different people who are all in the mindset to get clean and better their life. He is doing a lot of therapy sessions and meeting with counselors and having AA/NA meetings and it really is a great program/opportunity for him. If he does have to complete the 90 days, he'll be at four months clean at that point when he gets out. Will definitely be a good start. I think I'm just being so optimistic just been through so much already with him. I can't and refuse to turn my back on him especially when he needs the support. I know everybody always tells me that I could do better.. I love the guy to pieces though. People don't witness firsthand that he is a good person or see the love that we share.. he really is my best friend and I wouldn't have been with him this long if he was really that terrible. Everyone has demons.. can't kick someone to the curb because of them.
Redhead14 Posted August 30, 2017 Posted August 30, 2017 but you stand by your partner no matter what! -- This is maybe good advice if they are married. These two aren't and they sound young. If she's looking/hoping to have a happy, healthy and drama free life for herself, this isn't the guy. You don't stand by boyfriends with the kind of history this guy has and the future in store for him. We had an active, very intelligent, strong woman who used to come to these boards, who found out that her boyfriend of 6/7 years and had recently become engaged to and started lying and being "sketchy" with her, was doing drugs AGAIN. She promptly ended that relationship. Smart woman. 2
Redhead14 Posted August 30, 2017 Posted August 30, 2017 As to the recidivism likelihood for drug addicts, it is exponentially higher for drug addicts who became "sober" while in prison. When they are finally freed, the life they had in prison is actually preferable to being on the outside because -- a) once they are released and are committed to being sober, they can't tolerate being exposed again and b) if they are not committed to being sober, they will fall back into their old ways. Both types of parolees will sabotage their freedom by committing some type of crime in order to go back to prison. It's more comfortable there . . .
d0nnivain Posted August 30, 2017 Posted August 30, 2017 That's all well & good but if you are choosing your convict addict BF over your mom, that is not good. Loving choices are sweet but wise choices are better. 2
Whodatdog Posted August 30, 2017 Posted August 30, 2017 All well and good the stuff he is telling you. And all well and good that you want to stick by him. Just understand they lie like you breathe. Its ingrained in them. Fine if you want to stay by him, but dont let him take you down with him. Dont be around his friends if they are users. And dont enable him. Odds are greatly stacked against you Im afraid.
ChatroomHero Posted August 30, 2017 Posted August 30, 2017 You can be optimistic but so you have a realistic idea of what you will NEED to deal with, whether you chose to or not. 1. They say they will never use, cannot believe they ever used, do not even think of it, are happy to be clean and want to make it up to everyone for things they did. They will find other forms of a high they can rationalize as acceptable, usually prescription meds like Norco, Xanax, or sleeping pills, Vicodin etc. 2. Be aware of any basic story where you get a little too much information. Like if he tells you he had a bad day because he went to the store to buy socks and they were supposed to be on sale and a rude store manager argued with him...you'll pick it up after a while, simple stories with a little too much detail that they will often tell a few times...pretty much means he got caught stealing from the store and is putting up a pre-defense, or else it is a pre-defense for when $10 is missing from your purse 3 weeks later and he flippantly says something like, "Yeah, remember I told you I had to pay more for socks that were supposed to be on sale? Then I told you I needed to borrow $10 to pay my electric bill because I spent so much on socks?". 3. Be prepared to have to explain at events with family and friends why he is dozing off. If he always has trouble with "Anxiety and sleeping" it is because he can get Xanax and sleeping pills easily and next thing you know he is falling asleep in the mashed potatoes at Thanksgiving because he popped 3 Xannies. 4. When things are missing from friends houses, be prepared to take some blame for bringing him around. Friends and family will pick up on his behavior and assume he took it and they likely will be right. 5. Be prepared to be the rock he can always lean on, but remember he will not typically be in any condition for you to lean on him or rely on him. 6. Do research on addiction and see if you can find any story of a person going to rehab for drugs just once and being clean for more than a couple of years. 7. Be prepared to suspect him every time something is missing. Gift cards, old Home Depot cards, expired credit cards, missing checks, loose change, bottles and cans, watches in a drawer you forgot you had, A $20 bill that was in a Christmas card from your mom that you know you didn't take out of the card... 8. Be prepared to wake up at 3am with a sudden anger realizing you just pieced together a lie he told when conflicting stories he told you resolved in your head in the middle of the night. 9. Be prepared for stories of no matter how hard he tries, people are mean to him or he has bad luck, or people lie about him to protect themselves...they are just cover stories. 10. Be prepared to cancel on friends and family because he slipped and you cannot leave him alone, or he is gone and your credit card is missing. 11. For me it took about 45 minutes to 1.5 hours of a never-back-down arguing to get a partial admission to a lie. Be prepared to fight to get a partial admission. 12. Be prepared to get upset when he goes out and (any addict should stay away from alcohol) drinks claiming alcohol is not his problem. Out of rehab he may say he never wants to drink or doesn't care to... but if you ask him not to drink, instead of saying ok and earning your trust, he drinks and acts like you are being horrible for asking him not to. These are just some of the things you will need to be prepared to go through. He is probably not a bad person overall, but this is the drama and baggage he will come with. Do what you want, it's your choice, but everything you said about him I could have said about the person I had to deal with. I reached out to friends that dealt with the same thing and in every case, every situation was similar. People held on for years thinking the person was always going to recover and had hot rock bottom. In every case they finally hit the brick wall where they could not longer continue with the addict in their life. The downside is as long as you are with him, you will be playing detective and you will find you will never fully trust him and that gets old. Personally if I wanted to own a certain breed of dog and had questions or concerns, I would trust the advice of people that owned that breed of dog before. If they told me the dog would always dig in the backyard and dig up gardens and it is impossible to get them to stop, I wouldn't assume my dog would be special and I would prepare for the dog to be a digger. If you are smart, you won't assume your bf who has already betrayed you will be the "special" addict who is cured after a trip to jail and rehab. 2
Author vc87 Posted August 30, 2017 Author Posted August 30, 2017 OP, how old are you? And your boyfriend? I'm 29 - will be 30 next month. My bf is 30 as well.
Redhead14 Posted August 30, 2017 Posted August 30, 2017 I'm 29 - will be 30 next month. My bf is 30 as well. Your boyfriend is 30 years old physically, but he is mentally and emotionally stunted back to at least the age he was when he first started doing drugs and, more than likely, earlier than that. The drugs didn't come first, some kind of traumatic history, abuse, poor parenting, betrayal, etc., started the drug abuse. My point is you are not dealing with a 30 year old man. You are dealing with a much younger, perhaps, child mentality and social and emotional development deficits. You're 30 years old. Do you want marriage and children? If so, you need to focus on those children right now, before they are even born, and consider what kind of life you may be setting up for them and yourself. There is no time like the present to start envisioning your future. You can take the chance of trashing your future by staying with this guy and hoping he will change and walking on eggshells, waiting for the other shoe to drop for years and years or you can give yourself a much better chance by moving on from this guy and getting right with yourself and focused on YOU. 1
Author vc87 Posted August 30, 2017 Author Posted August 30, 2017 Your boyfriend is 30 years old physically, but he is mentally and emotionally stunted back to at least the age he was when he first started doing drugs and, more than likely, earlier than that. The drugs didn't come first, some kind of traumatic history, abuse, poor parenting, betrayal, etc., started the drug abuse. My point is you are not dealing with a 30 year old man. You are dealing with a much younger, perhaps, child mentality and social and emotional development deficits. You're 30 years old. Do you want marriage and children? If so, you need to focus on those children right now, before they are even born, and consider what kind of life you may be setting up for them and yourself. There is no time like the present to start envisioning your future. You can take the chance of trashing your future by staying with this guy and hoping he will change and walking on eggshells, waiting for the other shoe to drop for years and years or you can give yourself a much better chance by moving on from this guy and getting right with yourself and focused on YOU. His mother died when he was 18 and I know it all stems from that and him masking the pain of it all and never fully coping with it. First he turned to food, then he turned to drinking, then he turned to weed, then he turn to coke, then to Molly, then all the party drugs.. then it was pain pills.. he said once he tried the pills that was it for him.
d0nnivain Posted August 30, 2017 Posted August 30, 2017 he said once he tried the pills that was it for him. But it wasn't. He moved on to heroin. Be very careful. I don't think this will end well for you. 1
Redhead14 Posted August 30, 2017 Posted August 30, 2017 His mother died when he was 18 and I know it all stems from that and him masking the pain of it all and never fully coping with it. First he turned to food, then he turned to drinking, then he turned to weed, then he turn to coke, then to Molly, then all the party drugs.. then it was pain pills.. he said once he tried the pills that was it for him. His problems are bigger than both of you. Just re-read this paragraph alone. This is his coping mechanism. If he gets clean from the drugs, he will move to alcohol. It's only a matter of time. He's a master at moving on from things . . . And, let me tell you this: If he does get clean, he will be a different person than you knew all together. You will likely not like the new him. He has no idea who he is because the real him has been masked and behind a wall all his life. Tearing down that wall will be very, very ugly when everything comes pouring out. You do not want to be around for the transition. Trust me. Beyond that, while in treatment, he will be very strongly encouraged to move on from all of his friends, including you, because that will remind him of his previous life. Even though you aren't a drug user apparently, you are still part of THAT world. A decision by you to move on my actually be moot because he will likely end things with you while he is rehabilitating. And, when you are in prison and in a rehab program, they can and do monitor and often curtail contact with individuals who are not immediate family. 4
BaileyB Posted August 30, 2017 Posted August 30, 2017 I think I'm just being so optimistic just been through so much already with him. I can't and refuse to turn my back on him especially when he needs the support. I know everybody always tells me that I could do better.. I love the guy to pieces though. People don't witness firsthand that he is a good person or see the love that we share.. he really is my best friend and I wouldn't have been with him this long if he was really that terrible. Everyone has demons.. can't kick someone to the curb because of them. Codependency. This is the very definition... You can't turn your back on him, he needs the support, he is a good person, your love for him is so strong, everyone has their demons... I can't kick him to the curb in his hour of need. You need to learn how to set healthy boundaries, my dear. Darling, you can't fix him. He is an addict. Most addiction treatment programs will advise individuals that they need to change their lives entirely and focus on sobriety - that means, don't return home to the same old patterns, make new friends that are not involved with drugs, and stay single for a year. You dated a man who was addicted to heroin for over two years, and you had no idea that his drug problems was so bad. He never had any money, because he was a drug addict, but you stayed with him anyway. He is is currently in jail and he will have a criminal record - which will affect his ability to get a job, to travel, and any number of other things... Open your eyes and see the reality of the situation - it is bad! But you, as the old song goes, are determined to stand by your man! At your own expense (losing your relationship with your mother, and your opportunity to find a healthy relationship and start your own family), you will stand by your man. If you want to get married and have a family, it is unlikely that your dream will come true with this man. So, don't waste your youth... And, if you did have a baby with this man, unlikely that you will have a healthy and happy home to raise your children. In fact, it would be completely irresponsible to bring children into this world with a father who has problems with addiction and a criminal history. Wise up! Love is often not enough. 1
Imajerk17 Posted August 30, 2017 Posted August 30, 2017 (edited) I I think I'm just being so optimistic just been through so much already with him. I can't and refuse to turn my back on him especially when he needs the support. I know everybody always tells me that I could do better.. I love the guy to pieces though. People don't witness firsthand that he is a good person or see the love that we share.. he really is my best friend and I wouldn't have been with him this long if he was really that terrible. Everyone has demons.. can't kick someone to the curb because of them. OK. I am getting that at the end of the day you have decided to stick with the ship no matter what no matter how grim things are looking, and if the ship goes down, so be it, you are going down with the ship. And no amount of people over the Internet will get you to change your stance. Meanwhile I am going to guess that this has already cost you friends and whatnot. Probably they are tired of hearing you complain about how tough you have it in this relationship. But then, why did you come on here asking for advice. I mean, surely you knew everyone was going to tell you to dump him. That your mom is telling you to dump him makes me think that the situation is even worse than you are letting on here. I mean, if anyone else "could witness first-hand" that he is a good person who is trying his best to overcome his demons, it would be your mom. Edited August 30, 2017 by Imajerk17 3
Redhead14 Posted August 30, 2017 Posted August 30, 2017 Codependency. This is the very definition... You can't turn your back on him, he needs the support, he is a good person, your love for him is so strong, everyone has their demons... I can't kick him to the curb in his hour of need. People who "support" other people who are in such crisis at their own expense, physically and emotionally, do that because they don't love themselves. They themselves have some significant issues of their own that they need to focus on and get straightened out and they'd rather focus on something/someone other than themselves. The OP needs to do some heavy internal lifting. She won't have a happy, healthy relationship with anyone until she gets her own hands dirty. OP, a person is considered to have a "disorder" of some kind when their choices and behavior start to affect one or more aspects of their lives significantly. You are experiencing a breakdown with your mother and the rest of the family. I suspect your job isn't getting the focus it deserves either. Your "disorder" may very well just be that you are not experienced in relationships and how to focus on your own needs and decision-making ability. But, I suspect there's much more to this. A 30 year old woman who is clinging to a man who is clearly not a suitable candidate for a mutually satisfying relationship and one that most strong, secure, independent, intelligent women would run as fast as they could from, has some serious soul searching and priorities evaluation to do for herself. Take some time for yourself and maybe go to a therapist to deal with all of this. These boards are good but there is only so much that can be done from a chair and a keyboard. 1
BaileyB Posted August 30, 2017 Posted August 30, 2017 Codependency. This is the very definition... You can't turn your back on him, he needs the support, he is a good person, your love for him is so strong, everyone has their demons... I can't kick him to the curb in his hour of need. People who "support" other people who are in such crisis at their own expense, physically and emotionally, do that because they don't love themselves. They themselves have some significant issues of their own that they need to focus on and get straightened out and they'd rather focus on something/someone other than themselves. A 30 year old woman who is clinging to a man who is clearly not a suitable candidate for a mutually satisfying relationship and one that most strong, secure, independent, intelligent women would run as fast as they could from, has some serious soul searching and priorities evaluation to do for herself. Indeed. Most women who are strong, secure, independent, and intelligent would know enough to realize that the ship is going down and they would take the measures that they need to take to ensure that they DON'T go down with the ship. It IS possible to support a man and wish him well in his sobriety - while ending the relationship and distancing yourself from his unhealthy and distructive behavior. Those that stay do so because they don't value themselves enough NOT to hitch their wagon to a man who is only going to bring problems into their lives. They may be avoiding other problems in their own life thus investing heavily with someone else. Or, they stay because they feel some sense of responsibility - that they can't desert a man in his hour of need and that somehow together, they will find a way to fix the problem. Either way, it's about self esteem, self worth, and developing healthy boundaries... Sorry OP, but I think one of the more interesting parts of your story is the fact that this man had a raging drug problem while you were dating him - for years - and you had no idea. I feel like you have been chasing rainbows with this man... You must have missed a ton of red flags. Even the flags that you saw - the fact that he was always broke, asking you for money, and totally irresponsible with money - you ignored. You have a lot of learning to do from this relationship... a lot of self discovery. First stop, counselling. Second stop, your mom's house... to apologize and make ammends. 1
Redhead14 Posted August 30, 2017 Posted August 30, 2017 that they can't desert a man in his hour of need and that somehow together, they will find a way to fix the problem. These are the hallmark thoughts/words/attitude of enablers and co-dependents. While they feel like they are focusing on the partner's needs, etc., they are turning a blind eye. There is no way on this earth that drug use of this "degree" goes unnoticed by a partner unless they just don't want to see it. Yes, drug addicts lie to their partners. But the worst lies that are told are the lies that the partners tell to themselves. 2
ChatroomHero Posted August 30, 2017 Posted August 30, 2017 People who "support" other people who are in such crisis at their own expense, physically and emotionally, do that because they don't love themselves. They themselves have some significant issues of their own that they need to focus on and get straightened out and they'd rather focus on something/someone other than themselves. I don't know if this is entirely true. In my situation I was convinced at the time and looking back still tend to believe it, if I kicked her out like I absolutely knew I should, she would be dead in a day or two. I have heard the same from others in the same situation. As soon as you say I'm done, they will be on the street, alone, go to their dealers house and OD trying to "cope". It took a lot of nasty things I am still dealing with today before I said either she goes or I am going down fast. I got to the point where I didn't care if I kicked her out and she died the next day. That is really kind of what you deal with...you hold that person's life in your hands. You leave or kick them out and you are pretty sure you are signing their death warrant by your actions. At the very least you know they will go to their drug dealer, do a bunch of bad things and end up in jail or the hospital so you would be waiting for that inevitable call. You can't quite realize the depth of the terrible actions they are capable of when you are with them. 75% of the time they will act like the perfect partner and a caring person that deserves a chance. It's hard to figure out when they are acting and when they are being themselves and when they are working an angle. The good times really make the bad times seem surreal. It's like you are watching the ship sink and all you have to do is step off and save yourself, but you can't because it might not actually sink but you know for certain as soon as you step off, that person will drown when the ship sinks and you let it happen. OP just needs to ask herself if today, last week, last month...is how she wants her life to be going forward because it is not really going to change greatly. When I look back it is not that I had troubles and needed her in my life and depended on her, but she was in my life and in part a good person who I didn't want to see die and felt I needed to do everything I could to help. You just realize there is basically nothing you can do to actually help, it's all on them. 1
Redhead14 Posted August 30, 2017 Posted August 30, 2017 (edited) Forget about the fairy tale you have in your head. Think about living on one paycheck -- yours. Think about a couple of kids running around with hand me downs and shoes with holes in them. Think about not being able to send them to sports camp or have the big Christmas present from Santa they were hoping for. Think about having to drive him around to his handy man jobs because you can barely afford one car. Think about figuring out whether to pay the heating bill or the water bill. Think about having to tell your children that you can't go on a trip to Disney World. Think about explaining to your kids why their daddy is sprawled out on the floor and spaced out when he relapses and doesn't show up at their school plays and activities. OP, we are being very blunt and negative here for a reason. Drug addicts don't get themselves straightened out until they hit rock bottom. You, for all intents and purposes are addicted to him. We are giving it to you straight up and hard. You need to see the rock bottom for yourself. We hope we are helping you get there. Edited August 30, 2017 by Redhead14 1
BaileyB Posted August 30, 2017 Posted August 30, 2017 Forget about the fairy tale you have in your head. Think about living on one paycheck -- yours. Think about a couple of kids running around with hand me downs and shoes with holes in them. Think about not being able to send them to sports camp or have the big Christmas present from Santa they were hoping for. Think about having to drive him around to his handy man jobs because you can barely afford one car. Think about figuring out whether to pay the heating bill or the water bill. Think about having to tell your children that you can't go on a trip to Disney World. Think about explaining to your kids why their daddy is sprawled out on the floor and spaced out when he relapses and doesn't show up at their school plays and activities. OP, we are being very blunt and negative here for a reason. Drug addicts don't get themselves straightened out until they hit rock bottom. You, for all intents and purposes are addicted to him. We are giving it to you straight up and hard. You need to see the rock bottom for yourself. We hope we are helping you get there. Indeed, your kids will be raised in an unstable and unhealthy home where their father is unpredictable and potentially abusive. Their mother will be catering to their father and trying to protect her children from the harsh reality of his addiction. Their father could be so high that he will not be present in their lives, at their school events, they can't bring their friends home for fear that they will see emir father when he is using drugs. Money will be tight because it goes toward the drugs - there will be constant stress to pay the bills and you can forget the luxuries. When dad is not high, he is likely to be moody, withdrawn, easily angered, short tempered... Your kids may live in fear of upsetting him because he may yell and get verbally or physically abusive towards them or their mother. Because of the criminal charges, he will have difficulty finding a job and he won't be able to travel. Because of the drugs, he may have difficulty keeping a job. And, if he does something illegal again... Your kids will be raised with an absent father. They will live with the stigma and he shame that their father is an addict, and a criminal - serving time in jail which means that he is not able to support his family and raise his kids. Worse case scenario... Is this what you want for your future? Is this a happy ending? 1
BaileyB Posted August 30, 2017 Posted August 30, 2017 (edited) I would suggest that you read this discussion... It was started by a woman who loved her husband and was struggling to accept the reality of his drug use and infidelity. She saw the risk to her family and tried to protect her children. She struggled to stand up for herself and accept that the man she had married was not the drug abuser than he had become. But, it may give you a glimpse into the future, if you chose to stay and start a family with an addict. Read at least until you get to the part where she confronts him about his infidelity, learns that he has been using cocaine, he hits his pregnant wife, and then he flies into an angry rage that results in destruction of property - during which she has to lock herself upstairs and can not leave because he won't give her the car keys. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/605449-husband-cheating-me Edited August 30, 2017 by BaileyB 1
ChatroomHero Posted August 31, 2017 Posted August 31, 2017 OP, we are being very blunt and negative here for a reason. Drug addicts don't get themselves straightened out until they hit rock bottom. You, for all intents and purposes are addicted to him. We are giving it to you straight up and hard. You need to see the rock bottom for yourself. We hope we are helping you get there. This is very true and I will add something; you do not know what his "rock bottom" is. Think about it, jail and rehab is probably not rock bottom. Violating probation and facing 5 years in jail is probably not rock bottom. (In jail and rehab they get drugs too by the way). Bankrupting you and you kicking him out is probably not rock bottom. Being so high he burns down your house or acting high and passing out in front of your family and friends at Christmas dinner is probably not rock bottom. You'll never know what his rock bottom is or if he will reach it. Every time he goes to rehab, gets caught, gets in a horrible situation he will tell you he hit rock bottom and needs to change...but you never know. From what I have seen, the top layer of rock bottom is usually when they have destroyed you and other people around them to the degree they cannot deny or lie to make themselves ok with destroying other people. Do you want to be the mountain he topples to create his rock bottom?
smackie9 Posted August 31, 2017 Posted August 31, 2017 My experience: When someone is going through sobriety, they can't be in a relationship in order to focus on their recovery. Relationships can cause more harm than good. They want to stop the enabling, and the co-dependency. It's tough love, they need to be able to stand on their own two feet and do it for themselves. You are reaching a time in your life you should be thinking of stability, marriage and children, not coping with a drug addicted BF. IMO I doubt he has been snorting heroin that long. That's how most start before injecting. I think he is already at that stage. If he has been able to hide this from you, who's to say he isn't already using the needle, huh? He's pretty much has np lying to you, downplaying things so far.
Author vc87 Posted August 31, 2017 Author Posted August 31, 2017 My experience: When someone is going through sobriety, they can't be in a relationship in order to focus on their recovery. Relationships can cause more harm than good. They want to stop the enabling, and the co-dependency. It's tough love, they need to be able to stand on their own two feet and do it for themselves. You are reaching a time in your life you should be thinking of stability, marriage and children, not coping with a drug addicted BF. IMO I doubt he has been snorting heroin that long. That's how most start before injecting. I think he is already at that stage. If he has been able to hide this from you, who's to say he isn't already using the needle, huh? He's pretty much has np lying to you, downplaying things so far. I know for a fact he's not ejecting anything, I saw him daily and I definitely would've noticed track marks on him.. his friend found drugs in his room after he got picked up along with a straw, so I know that's the way he was doing it. I hear mixed things about them being in relationships after they are sober.. I always thought it was frowned upon to get into a new relationship when you're focusing on recovery. If you are already in an existing one it's different. If you are married to someone, that means you would have to get divorced to focus on being sober? Doesn't make sense.
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