vc87 Posted August 29, 2017 Posted August 29, 2017 I'm going to try to sum up the nightmare of the situation I'm currently in without turning this into a huge novel. Apologizing in advance if this is lengthy! About two and a half weeks ago, my boyfriend of the last 2.5 years got picked up on a warrant he had for missing a court date back in February.. (Last June, he got in trouble at his job for doing something but I'll spare those details.) He originally was supposed to stay in over the weekend and see a judge the following Monday to get his new court date and be released.. unfortunately it didn't exactly go that way.. the judge set his bail ridiculously high without any 10% option so he's stuck in there until at least his next court date end of Sept. This whole thing is his first offense.. because of that, he's eligible to apply for some pretrial intervention thing, which would basically wipe away his charges, and just give him probation for a set amount of time which would be great.. but because he has a drug problem (that's another thing I found out too - he's actually be sniffing heroin for the past 4 years and has had a much bigger problem then I ever knew or was told about) his public defender had him apply to some 90 day drug program the jail offers which he started last week. Everything is still up in the air, as far as what is going to happen to him. Originally we were told after that he could be facing up to 180 days in there (much better than the 3-5 years the charges could have brought) but we are still hoping he will get approved for the PTI thing and get out in the meantime. Since he started this drug program though, he may have to finish out the whole thing which means he wouldn't be free until end of November around Thanksgiving. Before he started the drug program, he was at least able to call me pretty often and I was able to go see him throughout the week, but now that he's in his drug program, the phone calls are a lot less frequent because his day is a lot more structured and scheduled for him, and visiting is only on the weekend. I really am happy that he's the program, he needs the structure and I could tell already that this is going to be very beneficial to him, and him finally getting back on his feet to start his life over. He really seems like a new person, and he seems full of life again with color in his face and big wide eyes.. he's been clean for 17 days now (the longest he's been drug free in years.) I think this whole situation has been the rock bottom that he needed to hit. As happy as I am, that this whole thing was a bit of a blessing in disguise, I'm still having a hard time dealing with him being gone. I've been with him for the past two and a half years, and he really is the love of my life and my best friend. I saw him pretty much every single day, and we would always be in contact with each other. I just feel really really alone in all of this, and there's a lot of adjustments to try to get used to all at once. I can't even begin to tell you how much of a problem I have with my mom now because of it.. she basically is kicking me out if I don't break up with him.. she attacked me last weekend as well so we're still not even speaking.. stress on top of more stress. Every morning I wake up, wondering how I'm gonna make it through the next three months or so without him being around. I am trying to remind myself daily that this is a good thing but it's still hard. Don't really have a ton of friends either to hang out with for distractions.. Would kill to just hug him. If anybody has any advice on how to handle this, I would really appreciate it.
Redhead14 Posted August 29, 2017 Posted August 29, 2017 how to cope? - End this relationship now and find yourself a man who is complete. This guy is/will be a project. Drug addicts rarely "recover" after one rehabilitative stint. he's been clean for 17 days now -- He doesn't have much of an option, does he? That's a drop in the bucket and no great accomplishment yet. Let's see what happens when he gets back out there and has opportunity . . . He's in jail now -- his future job prospects will be limited and you'll have to pick up the slack. I can't even begin to tell you how much of a problem I have with my mom now because of it.-- I don't know how old you are, but if you're over 18, your mother is being a parent to adult child. She should not support an adult child whose life choices are poor. You need to feel the bottom yourself before you can straighten yourself out. If you are under 18, that's another story and she needs to realize that if she wants to help you ensure a better future for yourself, now is the time to foster that. She needs to impose her rules and protect you from yourself until you are 18. Get really busy with your life. Get focused on your future and preparations for it. 2
d0nnivain Posted August 29, 2017 Posted August 29, 2017 How well do you REALLY know this man? You say you have been together for 2.5 years but you just found out he's been sniffing heroin for 4 years. So how did you not know about this habit the entire time you knew him? Did you know about the job thing? Did you know about the February court date? Did you remind him to go, not that a grown adult should have to be told by his GF to go to court? If you know he blew off a court date, how did you feel about that level of irresponsibility? You don't have to answer the above Qs on a public message board but you better know the answers. They give credence to your mother's concerns about your decision making abilities and any future you might have with this guy. Since he has a public defender I'm assuming he's been out of work since the work incident which led to his arrest, which future compounds his prospects for the future. Assuming you are choosing to stick by him -- write him snail mail letters daily. Find out how you put money in his jail account for things like candy bars, paper & stamps. Find out if you are allowed to give him paper & stamps so he can write to you. Go to all of the visiting hours you can attend. Keep yourself busy & try to rebuild your relationship with your mom. 2
Author vc87 Posted August 29, 2017 Author Posted August 29, 2017 When we first started dating I knew about his past drug use, but he always made it seem to me that those days are long over . Last summer a lot of weird things started happening, and I just had a feeling that something was up with him.. had that gut instinct. He finally came clean to me that he had a drug problem, but we went along with a friends advice and told me he was doing pain pills instead.. I am completely against drugs.. in no way my making excuses for him, but he was really ashamed and afraid to tell me. After he came clean to me last year, him and his friend, who is also a recovering drug addict, were planning on really focusing on getting him clean, going to meetings and all.. and all along my bf insisted that he was clean and hadn't done anything.. we got into a huge fight earlier this year and weren't speaking girl a week.. he confessed to me that he did relaspe one night but he assured me whenever i asked him that he hadn't done anything.. had feelings but He would always deny it.. had no proof and I thought it was just me worrying for nothing. Whenever I saw him (with the exception of maybe two times) he always seemed completely normal. I even said that to him - like how did you hide it so well? But he needed the drug to even feel normal in the first place. I did know he got into trouble last year.. but he talked down the story and made it seem like nothing came of it/got dismissed. Had no clue he had a court date.
Imajerk17 Posted August 29, 2017 Posted August 29, 2017 Well OP, I remember your threads. This is the same deadbeat codependent you have been stuck on for quite a while. Anyway, we gave you all sorts of advice to end this, a long time ago. Everyone was unanimous. You didn't take the advice though. Anyway, I am wondering why you posted asking for "advice" since it is all too clear that you just aren't going to take it. People are going to tell you to break up with him as they did before, but you won't have any of this. Hell you aren't taking the advice of even your mom. Since you seem intent on going down with the ship, all I can say is best wishes. 3
d0nnivain Posted August 29, 2017 Posted August 29, 2017 So being anti-drug, why are you so willing to stand by a drug addict? You are also now aware that he lied to you on multiple occasions: * he told you his drug use was in the past when he was actively using * he told you it was pills when it was heroin * he didn't tell you the whole truth about the work incident (down playing it is a form of lying) * he didn't tell you about the court date or blowing it off At this juncture you can't trust anything he says. Addicts lie. It's the nature of addiction. I bet he acts like this warrant was all somebody else's fault. I don't mean to kick somebody when he's down but you think this is rock bottom. It might not be. I don't think you want to stick around to see what rock bottom really looks like. Walking away now seem cruel but it might be what you have to do to save yourself. Do yourself a huge favor & attend a local narc-anon meeting. It's a support group for people in love with addicts. Learn what it means to be an enabler. Good luck. 3
coolheadal Posted August 29, 2017 Posted August 29, 2017 Well OP, I remember your threads. This is the same deadbeat codependent you have been stuck on for quite a while. Anyway, we gave you all sorts of advice to end this, a long time ago. Everyone was unanimous. You didn't take the advice though. Anyway, I am wondering why you posted asking for "advice" since it is all too clear that you just aren't going to take it. People are going to tell you to break up with him as they did before, but you won't have any of this. Hell you aren't taking the advice of even your mom. Since you seem intent on going down with the ship, all I can say is best wishes. Don't you get she's in love with this guy and really wants to be with him it happens! All the advise will never our weigh her love for him.
d0nnivain Posted August 29, 2017 Posted August 29, 2017 Based on Imajerk17's response, I went back & re-read your thread from last summer too. Do you now at least understand that he was always broke back then because he was spending all his money on drugs? Please learn about being an enabler because you are one & for your own happiness you have to stop. 2
Author vc87 Posted August 29, 2017 Author Posted August 29, 2017 Don't you get she's in love with this guy and really wants to be with him it happens! All the advise will never our weigh her love for him. yes!!!! I am in love with him.. despite all the lies and manipulation.. it's all because of an underlying drug addiction, when you're an addict you can't help it.. they are masterminds of it.
Author vc87 Posted August 29, 2017 Author Posted August 29, 2017 Based on Imajerk17's response, I went back & re-read your thread from last summer too. Do you now at least understand that he was always broke back then because he was spending all his money on drugs? Please learn about being an enabler because you are one & for your own happiness you have to stop. And I do realize that all now, when I found out the truth- everything all made sense.. like all the doubts finally connected in my head.
d0nnivain Posted August 29, 2017 Posted August 29, 2017 It is hard to turn off your feelings but it may be the best thing for you at this point. Until & unless he is clean, no matter how much you love him, you can't save him. You have to save yourself. 1
Robratory Posted August 29, 2017 Posted August 29, 2017 (edited) About two and a half weeks ago, my boyfriend of the last 2.5 years got picked up on a warrant he had for missing a court date back in February.. (Last June, he got in trouble at his job for doing something but I'll spare those details.) He originally was supposed to stay in over the weekend and see a judge the following Monday to get his new court date and be released.. unfortunately it didn't exactly go that way.. the judge set his bail ridiculously high without any 10% option but because he has a drug problem (that's another thing I found out too - he's actually be sniffing heroin for the past 4 years and has had a much bigger problem then I ever knew or was told about) Originally we were told after that he could be facing up to 180 days in there (much better than the 3-5 years the charges could have brought) . . . I can't even begin to tell you how much of a problem I have with my mom now because of it.. she basically is kicking me out if I don't break up with him.. she attacked me last weekend as well so we're still not even speaking.. stress on top of more stress. It looks like you're in so deep you can't use your common sense. Three to five years for simple possession? In most states, simple possession is just a misdemeanor, especially in the case of a first-time offender. He must have been charged with transportation or intent to distribute. In other words, start wondering just how "innocent" this man really is. And the judge said no 10% "option?" Did he say that? If he did, he lied to you. The 10% option is arranged through a bail bondsman. The judge has nothing to do with it. Here's how it works. Suppose the judge says, "$100,000 bail." If you have the $100,000, you give it to the court, and when your legal case is over (regardless of whether you're convicted or acquitted), you get your money back. The thing is, it's hard to come up with $100,000, even if you're getting it back. Enter bail bonding companies to the rescue. Basically, a bail bondsman who does have the $100,000 says, "I'll put up your bail and I'll charge you 10%" So you pay the bail bondsman $10,000, and he pays the court the $100,000. When your legal case is over, he get his $100,000 back, but you don't get anything. The $10,000 you paid was basically interest on the loan the bail bondsman made to you. Your boyfriend may not have even 10% of the bail, but the court certainly did not deny him the right to pay a bondsman. Your boyfriend may be a good person at heart, but he's not in a good place. And 17 days sober is nothing. You need to protect yourself to make sure he doesn't drag you down. You wouldn't be the first woman to face charges after their boyfriend got them to help with something. You also live with your mom, who is apparently fed up with this situation. Think about it! You're at risk of losing your home and the relationship you have with your Mom over your boyfriend? That's madness, especially considering your boyfriend's character. I would advise wishing your boyfriend the best and telling him you'd like to hear from him after a year of sobriety. Meanwhile, move on and find a man without so many problems. Edited August 29, 2017 by Robratory 2
Redhead14 Posted August 29, 2017 Posted August 29, 2017 yes!!!! I am in love with him.. despite all the lies and manipulation.. it's all because of an underlying drug addiction, when you're an addict you can't help it.. they are masterminds of it. You are not in love with HIM. You are in love with the vision, the dream of what you wish he would be. it's all because of an underlying drug addiction, when you're an addict you can't help it -- So what's your excuse for tolerating it? He's an addict and by default is a liar and manipulator. And, don't tell me you're "high on love". Get a grip. I'm being really tough here but you need to get real with yourself. 2
ExpatInItaly Posted August 29, 2017 Posted August 29, 2017 You're in love with the man you thought he was. The problem? That guy isn't the real him. His problems are far worse than what you believed. And I bet you still don't know the whole truth. You're in for a long, painful ride in which you stand to lose a lot. 1
preraph Posted August 29, 2017 Posted August 29, 2017 He's clean because he can't get to drugs. Listen, I don't want to burst your bubble, but heroin addicts rarely are successful with rehab. It's just a fact. Once you've been in trouble with the law, it's only going downhill from there because now who's going to give him a job? I think you need to find a better boyfriend because this one is only going to cause you a lifetime of strife. 5
ChatroomHero Posted August 29, 2017 Posted August 29, 2017 And I do realize that all now, when I found out the truth- everything all made sense.. like all the doubts finally connected in my head. Ok, you are going to find other things connect just about every other day if you go on with him. Addicts are habitual liars. He will always lie to you from here on out and every now and then it will pop in your head that, "Holy sh*t, he lied about this 3 weeks ago" and you'll eventually get pretty resentful. They continue to lie even when clean, it becomes part of them and they will have a hard time not lying. Think of the trust factor when after he gets out, you catch him in a lie...and you will. They do not stop. They do not get cured. Addicts even when they are clean will tell you they have a hard time not lying, and even about meaningless things when there is no need to lie. It will be a struggle to stay with him. Everything he says will eventually get run through your lie filter (it gets old) and trust will be near impossible. You'll find you come home and leave $5 on the table and go to the bathroom. You get out and the $5 is gone. He will give you the whole, "You saw I was nowhere near there and when you were in the bathroom didn't you hear my footsteps upstairs? Obviously I couldn't have taken it". You'll spend an hour looking for it and he will help you. You'll doubt yourself and feel guilty for blaming him. He'll pretend to be upset with you for accusing him. He will then fall on the sword and tell you he understands why you would think it was him. You'll start to feel really guilty and then you'll notice a $5 bill sticking out of his pocket. This will be your every day life. Wait until something really important to you is missing. Or he steals something from your mom. Wait until he borrows your car and gets in an accident and you don't know if he was getting drugs or high at the time or not. Wait until you find needles, burnt caps, and burnt spoons under your car seats, between the cushions, under your floor mats etc...and ask yourself if you get pulled over or in an accident yourself if the cops will believe they are not yours. "and him finally getting back on his feet to start his life over. He really seems like a new person, and he seems full of life again with color in his face and big wide eyes.. he's been clean for 17 days now (the longest he's been drug free in years.)" I am going to tell you something and I am not being mean just honest. He will go to rehab at least 15-20 times if he lives that long. Addicts slip after 5,10,20 years of being clean. Every time he goes to rehab, he will come out with all of the promise in the world. I guarantee he will. Do you want to go through taking him to rehab and a few weeks later picking him up another 15 times? After 3 times his whole new outlook on life and attitude change will become pretty laughable. Eventually you will see him get out of a rehab and see the change in him and think, eh, 6 months and he will be going back. They always go back. If you are there for him he will take advantage of you. He has proven he can lie to you and you put up with it. You are and will always be an enabler for him. For everything you think you figured out, I guarantee there is at least 1 lie that if you knew the truth it would make you want to drop him right away. For Example: You know he was lying to you and spending money on drugs in the past etc...I can guarantee he discussed multiple ways with druggie friends on how they could rob you or take things of yours for money and how to keep you from noticing...he at some point probably told these same people your schedule and where you keep things in your house and if the garage door is locked at night, if you have a Sears or Kohls or Home Depot card you never use, or tools in the garage that are easy to grab...so they can steal without him having to worry about being caught himself...He has done these things and not told you about it. The lies he admits to and what he tells you will be (based on my experience) about 20-30% truth and you'll only get about 10% of all the lies he will actually tell you. Set up a hidden camera or secretly follow him one day and the amount of deception you'll discover will blow your mind. I guarantee everything you think you misplaced as long as you've known him, he has more than likely stolen. Bottom line is your mom is right and you should run. She should throw you out as long as you are with him. I am guessing you are young. If you stay with him, at some point he will burn you bad enough that you will want to forget he ever existed. If you wait too long he will most likely have ruined your credit, possibly get you a police record, ruined friendships and alienated your family. You think he is different or special, he is not. He will ruin your life and if you don't want to listen to people or believe them, I get it. Just about every addict is charming, polite, friendly, seemingly normal (when they get their fix)... but in reality the ugly side is ALWAYS with them for life. Run before your life is ruined. 2
coolheadal Posted August 29, 2017 Posted August 29, 2017 yes!!!! I am in love with him.. despite all the lies and manipulation.. it's all because of an underlying drug addiction, when you're an addict you can't help it.. they are masterminds of it. My dear it's called controlled substance abuse he's doing to himself. I had gf who was doing the same thing, but in the end she didn't want to stop it. Drug addiction of crack & cocaine had meant so much to her. I don't do any of these things, but like you the love for ours so called others just stood in blindly smacked into our faces. You have stood it out with him the love you have is very strong, might be even stronger. I can relate to what your going through. Mine was unbearable for me. In the end we're done now. For the best. She can do whatever she pleases. She's a total wreck today. When her rich guy friend came over her aunts place and gave her cannabis made gummy candy and she promised me not to have any. Sure enough she did. I lost all respect for her! Told me it didn't do anything to her. Guy friend is just as screwy as her. I left! You love your man so much you tolerate what's going on. Only those who have gone through would understand what your dealing with in your daily life. But you seem to cope so well so far you turned to us for help and advise most will say leave him, but you can't do that you love him so deeply your bond for him is beyond words. I wish you the best, hope you can figure out how to deal with his control substance abuse and hot flashes daily..
BaileyB Posted August 29, 2017 Posted August 29, 2017 (edited) The best way to cope is to leave this unhealthy relationship and move on with your life. It's the only responsible thing to do. Edited August 29, 2017 by BaileyB 3
Whodatdog Posted August 30, 2017 Posted August 30, 2017 Judges dont set bail ridiculously high for first offences. A friend of mine just got arrested for his third felony, and his bail was $32,000. $3500 got him out. So there is way more going on here than what he's telling you. He may not have even gotten bail. He's a loser, will likely always be..unless HE wants to change. And right now he's being forced to change, its not a choice for him. When he gets out, he will drag you down and ruin your life forever. You dont see it now, but it will happen. He's lied to you before and he's probably lying to you now. Its your life. 1
Steve51 Posted August 30, 2017 Posted August 30, 2017 I never saw a woman have a good life without living from paycheck to paycheck, who married the type of man who would do something to go to jail. That is the first thing to consider and ask yourself if you want a life with someone who can make the rest of your life comfortable and be drama free, or stay with the guy you will probably visit in jail real soon. You are skipping the big problem and focusing on the small problem caused by the big problem. It is your life to live as you wish but I just hate seeing people settle for less than they deserve. This forum is filled with those kind of people. The ones who think their partner will change once they are married. They don't and that is the reason why so many divorce and are unhappy. 2
Steve51 Posted August 30, 2017 Posted August 30, 2017 You are skipping the big problem and focusing on the problem caused by the big problem. It is your life to live as you wish, but I just hate seeing people settle for less than they deserve. This forum is filled with those kind of people. The ones who think their partner will change once they are married. They don't and that is the reason why so many divorce and are unhappy. Not many women live the good life by marrying someone who does something to put him in jail. They, as you do, tend to minimize what he did and believe his version because you are in love. Our jails are filled with misunderstood innocent people with families who feel that their boy is innocent. I have seen this too many times and it never ends well. Your life and your consequences. I do wish you luck. 2
mortensorchid Posted August 30, 2017 Posted August 30, 2017 Sweetheart, having been in a similar situation or two in the past, please head these points ... 1) He's not going to change. 2) If he is going to change, you will not change him. No one can change him. 3) Why you're with him - Because you are deep inside a Bad Girl who wants to get out. This is the answer as to how/why it is that Good Women go for Bad Boys : Women as children are disciplined more than men are as kids (both as little kids as well as big kids). The source of discipline comes from all sources possible (parents, teachers, friends, the public at large, etc.). There is a double standard at work - when girls act up the hammer of Thor comes down on her from others, when boys act up we just say "boys will be boys". Example : Look at how we put down famous Bad Girls (Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan, Nicole Richie, etc.) for their bad behaviors, and a guy like Charlie Sheen always comes up smelling like a rose. We hook up with Bad Boys because that is appealing as women (and in some cases with certain men I have met) catering to our wants and needs to be bad. We are living vicariously through them to be bad. If you are a woman and you want to be bad, be as bad as you want to be. Just be classy and keep it to yourself. I had this problem myself and continue to struggle with it. I'm a Bad Girl, but I come off as being very buttoned up and conservative in public to most, keeping to myself because I've been stung by being flamboyant. I sin secretly, the women noted above did it publicly. Once identified, it's identified. But the problem is finding a real man not a boy like your bf and countless others who want to join in for the ride and accept things about themselves and me. It's a struggle. But the first thing you have to do is LET HIM GO and let him worry about it. It's not your problem, don't let him suck you into it. Best of luck. 2
Author vc87 Posted August 30, 2017 Author Posted August 30, 2017 He's clean because he can't get to drugs. Listen, I don't want to burst your bubble, but heroin addicts rarely are successful with rehab. It's just a fact. Once you've been in trouble with the law, it's only going downhill from there because now who's going to give him a job? I think you need to find a better boyfriend because this one is only going to cause you a lifetime of strife. I know recovery is not an easy thing at all, it's not going to be an easy journey, and plenty of people have relapses with that along the way but it is possible. A good friend of my boyfriends, who I mentioned in this post, is also in recovery.. his life was in total shambles.. he had problems for years and years and years, but he turned things around for himself little by little and built a life for himself.. had a car, a job, pays rent, has savings.. etc.. he's been clean for nine months now.. I know in no way does that mean someone is cured, but everybody has different bottoms they hit where they realize they want to change. If they aren't ready themselves to do it, no rehab or meeting is going to help. I truly believe in my heart that this is what my boyfriend needed in order to shake him up.. maybe it's just wishful thinking but everybody in his family also agrees with me. Time will tell. As far as his case, and the whole bail, and him possibly not telling me the truth with what's going on - I know for a fact he isn't lying about it because I'm talking directly to his sister/family who is in contact with his public defender and went to his court hearing. Nothing is being hidden from me.
d0nnivain Posted August 30, 2017 Posted August 30, 2017 You want so desperately to believe but it's all a house of cards. I don't for one second believe the buddy who turned his life around is still clean. Addicts are warned to stay away from their old friends & old habits because it's too easy to slip back especially when you haven't been clean & sober for a short time. I suppose you can wait & see what happens when your BF is released. My guess he will use in jail & he will use 1st thing when he gets out, even before he sees you. With this conviction on his record it will be quite difficult for him to find work in the future. Are you prepared to be the sole bread winner?
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