Guy says he's not interested one night stands OR marriage/cohabiting relationships

[Hathor]

There's this guy who had an ugly divorce from his wife about 8 years ago. Later he was in a two year live-in relationship that went horribly wrong (the woman left him for his friend). That break up was about 3 years ago.

 

He was talking about all this just in conversation when we first became platonic friends. He said that nowadays he's too wary of being hurt again but that he doesn't do one night stands or casual hookups. He also says he's very wary of ever getting married again or getting into a live-in relationship. I thought nothing of this. His life, his choices.

 

But as time went on, as I got to know him better I began to find him attractive. And it's mutual. We've become good friends and we're also very physically attracted to each other. But we are not physically involved or dating. We go out to dinner and stuff a lot, just the two of us. He says he wants to "be in a relationship with me". But I'm guessing somebody who is so very against relationships would be a waste of time getting into anything with, right?

[Zahara]

But I'm guessing somebody who is so very against relationships would be a waste of time getting into anything with, right?

 

Why are you guessing? Why can't you ask him? Mention you recall his past stance on relationships and discuss how he feels about about commitment now. You both seem to be pretty comfortable and open with each other -- so communicate.

[d0nnivain]

It depends on what you want. If you want marriage or to live together, he's not your guy.

 

 

If you want to maintain separate residences but otherwise spend time together, occasionally have some sleep overs, go on trips etc. that would probably be OK with him.

 

 

Don't go into this thinking that over time you will convince him to change his mind.

 

 

My cousin was married & divorced 2x. He swore he'd never marry again. He met & was dating a wonderful woman who was so much a better match for him then either of his EX wives. She knew about his pledge to never marry but she dated him anyway, thinking she could persuade him. He stuck to his guns & said things needed to go on as they were because he wasn't budging. Eventually she broke up with him & moved on. It was sad. We all loved her but he was serious about never marrying again.

[Hathor]

Why are you guessing? Why can't you ask him? Mention you recall his past stance on relationships and discuss how he feels about about commitment now. You both seem to be pretty comfortable and open with each other -- so communicate.

 

I can ask him. I'm not fussed about eventually getting married to somebody but I would want mutual emotional support in a relationship and not just sex.

[Hathor]

It depends on what you want. If you want marriage or to live together, he's not your guy.

 

 

If you want to maintain separate residences but otherwise spend time together, occasionally have some sleep overs, go on trips etc. that would probably be OK with him.

 

 

Don't go into this thinking that over time you will convince him to change his mind.

 

 

My cousin was married & divorced 2x. He swore he'd never marry again. He met & was dating a wonderful woman who was so much a better match for him then either of his EX wives. She knew about his pledge to never marry but she dated him anyway, thinking she could persuade him. He stuck to his guns & said things needed to go on as they were because he wasn't budging. Eventually she broke up with him & moved on. It was sad. We all loved her but he was serious about never marrying again.

 

Your cousin is really adamant about not marrying again! Were his marriages awful?

[Miss Spider]

It sounds like he wants a detached type of relationship you. Nothing serious

[Hathor]

It sounds like he wants a detached type of relationship you. Nothing serious

 

Sadly that's not going to work for me.

[Robratory]

I can ask him. I'm not fussed about eventually getting married to somebody but I would want mutual emotional support in a relationship and not just sex.

 

Marriage itself is not the issue. Living with someone for 20 years is (outside the law) no different from marriage. What he's saying is, "I don't want a brief relationship and I don't want a long relationship."

 

And this is where you say, "Dude, you either fish, or cut bait, or get off the boat." If he's a Sarah Palin fan, you can say, "Either shoot the moose or skin the moose, or get back in the truck."

[Hathor]

Marriage itself is not the issue. Living with someone for 20 years is (outside the law) no different from marriage. What he's saying is, "I don't want a brief relationship and I don't want a long relationship."

 

And this is where you say, "Dude, you either fish, or cut bait, or get off the boat." If he's a Sarah Palin fan, you can say, "Either shoot the moose or skin the moose, or get back in the truck."

 

So if he doesn't want a long term relationship, doesn't want a brief relationship, it's unclear what he wants.

[limichelle]

He likes the idea of not being 'alone'. Having someone to call his without putting the effort in. He likes the idea more then anything else. He's like The Valentines Day date or the Holidays Boyfriend. Only there for the good things.

 

I wouldn't invest anything other then friendship at this point.

 

Lisa