Multi-dating, a guys perspective

[CryForNoOne]

This is sort of the male version of Disillusionment373's thread about multi-dating. I've read many of her posts and I think we're wired quite the same - I have a very strong tendency to focus on one person and struggle with the concept of multiple romantic interests simultaneously - especially in the context of OLD. As a guy, I think I face different challenges. Despite all the changes with women's lib etc... At the end of the day, men are still the pursuer and women like to be pursued in most relationships. So what is a guy to do when he has several women in play and then decides he really only likes one? I have a really hard time staying engaged i.e. keeping the other's in play. Should I even do that?

 

My first 3 weeks back on OKC was nothing but futility. Tons of dead end conversations and potential dates that flaked or postponed before meeting. But when it rains, it pours. In the past week I had 5 different first dates. All of them ended with kisses, and I slept with 2 of them. The first woman I slept with I think we were both just horny - it had been a few months for me. We texted the next day but both kinda faded naturally. No hard feelings. One of the dates that ended with a kiss was much the same. I texted her the next day, she was somewhat slow to respond, we did that slow fade for a couple days, then I didn't reply to her last lukewarm text. The other 3 have turned into a complete $h!t storm and I'm wondering how I could have handled it differently. The other girl I slept with, we both REALLY REALLY like each other. We met Friday and hit it off instantly. We set a second date for this Friday, but she sent me a text Sunday morning stating she woke up thinking about me. I said "Are you going just drive me crazy or are we going to do something about it" to which she replied "I want to see you tonight". We of course hooked up that night, but I think it has potential for way way more than that. Now sometimes these things burn out as quickly as they started, but I've pretty much set ablaze any chances of seeing the other 2 women again (that is even if I wanted to).

 

So, one of the other two women texted me Saturday night asking how my weekend was going. I told her I sprained my wrist roller skating and was worried about being able to play guitar for a gig this Thursday. She offered to bring over some K tape and play "nurse Jackie". I was already constantly thinking about the girl I really like, and felt my serial monogamist tendencies kicking in. I had no problem sleeping with the very first girl a week ago, but now that I really liked someone, I was freaking out at nurse Jackie's advances. I wrote her this text: "I gotta be straight with you. I find you an amazing person and I already feel a closeness to you that is rare and hard to find. But I actually met someone Friday that I have very strong romantic feelings for. But your the kind of person I want in my life." For context, we had only one date but already exchanged over 500 text messages and talked on the phone like 3 times. We have a a lot in common but I'm just not romantically interested like I am with the other. She completely wigged out. "Gotcha. So you already have a GF. This conversation is not text appropriate." So I called her and we talked. She was not happy but we seemed cool. The next morning she texts me a song she wrote several years ago (she's a singer-songwriter). It's basically a scorned women aka Alanis Morrisette style song. It's actually pretty good but I was like WTF#!?! Followed by "I didn't say we're going to be in each others lives. You chose your road. Frankly what you did wasn't cool. And that's fine. It was disrespectful to me." I didn't reply. But what did I do that was so disrespectful??? Should I have ghosted her? Should I have lied and feigned interest to keep her in play? All I did was be completely honest.

 

Also Sunday morning the other one I'm not that interested in also texted me "Thoughts of you have been invading my mornings" followed by a devil emoji. I read it the same time I got almost the identical text from the girl whom I really liked. I didn't reply to this one. I just didn't know what to say. I was afraid of the same backlash as the other one. Well I went out with the one I really liked on Sunday and we were up all night. So basically I spent all Monday sleeping and recovering. Monday night while I was sleeping, I get a "???" from the one I hadn't replied to yet. Then followed this morning by "No bull****ting for me. Thanks Ghost. Probably the worst thing to hear is a lot of positive things and have them not back it up." Is 36 hours now considered ghosting???

 

I'm trying to figure out what I'm doing wrong and perhaps I'm moving too quickly. I say and do all the right things on a first meet/date to pique interest. But much of this is a byproduct of OLD. I had to send 150 messages before I finally got a date that didn't cancel/flake. Casting a wide net is the only way most guys, myself included, can actually get dates online. Do I intentionally not kiss them even if it feels right just to not create false expectations? A kiss to me is a just a kiss. It shows interest but not commitment. Yet the way these other two women reacted just makes the whole process feel gross and awful. But I'm not sure what else I did wrong.

Edited August 29, 2017 by CryForNoOne

[OatsAndHall]

I don't like multi-dating and it really only took one experience for me to stop.

 

I was seeing two women at the same time and I was juggling my schedule to make time to see them both. Our dates were fun and I got along well with both of them. I had gone to dinner and a movie with Terri (not her real name) on a Friday night and we had a blast together. I planned on meeting Whitney (not her real name...) the next day for lunch. Terri texted me early that Saturday morning and asked me if I wanted to drive out of town for the day to go hiking. I declined because of my previous lunch date but asked her if we could reschedule for Sunday but she wasn't able to do that.

 

The lunch date with Whitney didn't go well as she started asking me some intimate questions about my divorce and I was uncomfortable. She became quiet when I politely changed the subject and ghosted me completely afterward.

 

Terri started growing distant over the next few days and told me she was disappointed that I couldn't join her for the hiking date. She stated that she really liked me but that she didn't think it would work out because of "how busy I was". Like I said, I had been juggling my schedule because I was multi-dating. Planning dates with her was difficult because she didn't work banker's hours and because I was dating another woman as well. I told her that my schedule was more open now and that it wouldn't be a problem. But, she had made up her mind and told me that it wouldn't work.

 

That was disappointing as a) we clicked well and b) I missed out in what probably would have been an awesome date. Maybe it would have gone somewhere with her, maybe not. But, I'll never know because I was multi-dating.

 

At this point, I make it clear to the women that I date that I only see one person at a time. And, I let them know that I won't see a multi-dater. It's not a jealousy issue; I just want us both to see where things go between us without the extraneous variable.

[Bastile]

You are going to need to develop a thicker skin for psychological abuse.

[CryForNoOne]

You are going to need to develop a thicker skin for psychological abuse.

 

It's funny women complain all the time about guys who ghost them. When I tried OLD for the first time 5 years ago I swore I'd never do it. But so many times I try to end things amicably and either get blocked if we agree to be friends or they lash out with some anger riddled text or call. It just seems not being picked is hurtful regardless of what the guy says or doesn't say. So I guess in that regard I do need to develop a thicker skin and just not care...

[Bastile]

It's funny women complain all the time about guys who ghost them. When I tried OLD for the first time 5 years ago I swore I'd never do it. But so many times I try to end things amicably and either get blocked if we agree to be friends or they lash out with some anger riddled text or call. It just seems not being picked is hurtful regardless of what the guy says or doesn't say. So I guess in that regard I do need to develop a thicker skin and just not care...

 

Just talking messages, I've had some very bad stuff.

 

But talking being around each other too, when you want time to make your mind up for example, the psychological stuff can get laid on real thick.

 

You really do need to have a thick skin to do it. There's no getting around it.

[Moslem]

I wish I had your problems lol. Believe me.

[clia]

It sounds like you are encouraging a lot of emotional investment and closeness with these women even though you are only in the "feeling it out" stage, so they felt hurt because to them it felt like an abrupt, out of the blue dump when they thought they were in the early stages of a new relationship.

 

The first girl:

 

So, one of the other two women texted me Saturday night asking how my weekend was going. I told her I sprained my wrist roller skating and was worried about being able to play guitar for a gig this Thursday. She offered to bring over some K tape and play "nurse Jackie". I was already constantly thinking about the girl I really like, and felt my serial monogamist tendencies kicking in. I had no problem sleeping with the very first girl a week ago, but now that I really liked someone, I was freaking out at nurse Jackie's advances. I wrote her this text: "I gotta be straight with you. I find you an amazing person and I already feel a closeness to you that is rare and hard to find. But I actually met someone Friday that I have very strong romantic feelings for. But your the kind of person I want in my life." For context, we had only one date but already exchanged over 500 text messages and talked on the phone like 3 times.

 

I mean, over 500 (!!!) text messages, phone conversations, a kiss (how passionate?). She probably thought things were going great. And then BAM! (And honestly, telling her that "you're the kind of person I want in my life" seems so condescending after you just told her you met someone else you liked better.) I don't think you should've been quite so honest about meeting someone you like better -- that's a pretty solid way to make someone feel like total crap.

 

She completely wigged out. "Gotcha. So you already have a GF. This conversation is not text appropriate." So I called her and we talked. She was not happy but we seemed cool. The next morning she texts me a song she wrote several years ago (she's a singer-songwriter). It's basically a scorned women aka Alanis Morrisette style song. It's actually pretty good but I was like WTF#!?! Followed by "I didn't say we're going to be in each others lives. You chose your road. Frankly what you did wasn't cool. And that's fine. It was disrespectful to me." I didn't reply. But what did I do that was so disrespectful??? Should I have ghosted her? Should I have lied and feigned interest to keep her in play? All I did was be completely honest.

 

What did you talk to her about in those 500 text messages and phone calls? Were you laying it on thick? Were you talking about the future or talking about sex? She was upset because she was already emotionally invested in where things were going. Yes, some of that is her own fault, but I wonder how much of this you are pushing and encouraging.

 

Also Sunday morning the other one I'm not that interested in also texted me "Thoughts of you have been invading my mornings" followed by a devil emoji. I read it the same time I got almost the identical text from the girl whom I really liked. I didn't reply to this one. I just didn't know what to say. I was afraid of the same backlash as the other one. Well I went out with the one I really liked on Sunday and we were up all night. So basically I spent all Monday sleeping and recovering. Monday night while I was sleeping, I get a "???" from the one I hadn't replied to yet. Then followed this morning by "No bull****ting for me. Thanks Ghost. Probably the worst thing to hear is a lot of positive things and have them not back it up." Is 36 hours now considered ghosting???

 

But you were ghosting her, weren't you? You didn't respond. I would ask the same question as above -- how much communication did you have with her and what types of things did you say to her? How passionate was the kiss? She, too, was emotionally invested, and you ghosting probably felt like it was out of the blue since you abruptly turned it off once you met the other woman.

 

I'm all for multi-dating in the early stages to try to weed out the people you don't like, but you have to be careful that you aren't laying it on too thick and creating a lot of emotional intimacy that you really don't mean. I would encourage you to reel it in little bit if you want to multi-date.

[knabe]

If you're going to multi-date, the contact needs to be casual, as do the dates. Multidating is NOT actually being intimate (sexually or otherwise) with multiple people at once - that is called something else that isn't nice.

 

Once you are into one girl enough to kiss her and text her hundreds of times, you shouldn't also be doing that with others.

 

Just my opinion

[central]

When I had two or more good prospects, multidating was a fast and efficient way to determine who I wanted to continue dating without possibly losing out on a great prospect.

 

 

I wouldn't date more than one for a lengthy period - no more than a few dates, really. That way, I could decide who wasn't a match, or as good a potential match as someone else, and stop seeing them (sometimes none were good matches, and I'd start over). If I hadn't done this, and had only dated sequentially, I would not have met my wife, nor would she have met me (we both had several first meetings and second dates arranged for the short period of time when we met).

 

 

It's not something you do long-term, and certainly not if you get sexually involved with one - unless you disclose to ALL that you are multidating, and potentially having sex, and they are in agreement with that. Often, they were (or they proposed it), so there was no ethical issue involved.

Edited August 29, 2017 by central

[SammySammy]

I have the ability to compartmentalize.

 

I have two brothers with two distinct personalities. What I do and talk about with one brother is often very different from the things I do and talk about with the other. Sometimes we do things together, but often our relationships are one-on-one. Individual relationships.

 

Multi-dating is much the same. Each person is an individual and the things we do and enjoy with each other are particular to us. Our own relationship.

 

I would have met with the second girl and let her play doctor. What happens during our time together is up to us. Including sex. Would have nothing to do with anyone else.

 

Unless you're committed to someone else.

 

But, if you're not committed and just dating then I don't have a problem with letting each individual relationship develop at its own pace.

 

In my opinion, you stunted the potential that could have been developed with girl 2. Without having a solid commitment from girl 1.

 

Seems like a poor choice to me.

 

When dating, just let things develop until you have a committed relationship. Whether you're dating one or several.

[thefooloftheyear]

No experience, but I don't get the concept of it...This is not a wine tasting....I'm pretty selective...If someone's enough to meet my standards then they are worth a chance...without the "options"..Id only be looking for the same on the other end..

 

Period...

 

I think the problem today is that with all the avenues and options, people get like 3 year old's at Toy's R Us...

 

Like stated, no experience, but I can say with 100% certainty that if I was connected to a degree where there was interest, and found out she was "shopping" me, Id bow out...

 

.02

 

TFY

[Usename12]

Honestly this seems less like multi-dating and more like sleeping around. When I think of multi-dating, I think more of what knabe above said.

 

Also, what's with the 500 texts and "you're this, you're that" arguments with a woman you've met once? Seriously, only in the dating world are people insta-BFF's with people they literally don't know, with all the drama in tow.

[BluesPower]

I haven't multi-dated... I have had multiple GF's.

 

For the most part it was fine except someone always got serious and wanted something more.

 

Frankly it just got too messy. In the end I just want to find THE one girl that I can be with at least for a while...

[Bastile]

I wish I had your problems lol. Believe me.

 

Guy just slept with two women in a week, has another mad at him because she can't be his nurse, and three of them wanting to LTR.

 

Apparently he's doing it wrong...

 

Clearly there is a balance to be struck between being a success, enjoying yourself, and being ethical. I think he's doing that the best that he can (I actually think he's getting dragged into tomfoolery in some cases).

 

But to think that a guy is responsible for the approach, planning the dates, paying for the date, making the moves.... and on top of all of that also micro-managing the expectations and projection of another person is asking too much. And will always get dragged to a level where it gets completely unreasonable.

 

(Ex. people are judging his commitment based on levels of passion in a kiss. Who kisses thinking about that? Would take any fun out of it at all. Would be second guessing everything)

 

I think the only real way to make everyone happy is to put everyone's interests before your own. And at some point you need to make the decision whether you are running your own show, or other people.

Edited August 29, 2017 by Bastile

[thefooloftheyear]

I cut and pasted this from another current thread.......

 

 

"Fast forward to now. I'm dating two different guys, both of them only for a few weeks. One of them I just don't feel emotionally connected to, although I respect his intelligence and find him physically attractive. I've not even kissed him. I have a nice evening at dinner with him and then say goodbye and go home. The other guy I'm CRAZY about. By date 3 we ended up in bed at his place but didn't have sex. It sounds corny but we spent a lot of time staring into each other's eyes, lots of laughter. He held me so tight all night. I actually wanted to have sex with him and maybe should have done. I was amazed at how much I wanted to have sex so quickly. The first dates had been epically long (like 20 hours at one point) and we'd developed a real connection. It's either there or it's not"

 

 

Like what in the living hell?? Why dick the first guy around..??

 

I don't get this at all....I guess I am behind the curve..

 

 

TFY

[Miss Spider]

for a safety net lol otherwise you could possibly have a dateless Friday night,

 

The part that tickles me the most is when they say stuff like "I'm so into him. I want to sleep with him so bad, but I won't yet because I really like him. But we ended up in bed and fooled around, I mean I gave him oral and then he took my pants off and we did anal for a bit, but I stopped him and told him I'm not sleeping with him. I don't want him to only want me for sex. " like inaccessibility to your vagina is the only thing that keeps a guy interested. Like there's something in there that will unlock secrets to the universe, and once he gets them, why's he need you.

Edited August 29, 2017 by Cookiesandough

[elaine567]

I cut and pasted this from another current thread.......

 

 

"Fast forward to now. I'm dating two different guys, both of them only for a few weeks. One of them I just don't feel emotionally connected to, although I respect his intelligence and find him physically attractive. I've not even kissed him. I have a nice evening at dinner with him and then say goodbye and go home. The other guy I'm CRAZY about. By date 3 we ended up in bed at his place but didn't have sex. It sounds corny but we spent a lot of time staring into each other's eyes, lots of laughter. He held me so tight all night. I actually wanted to have sex with him and maybe should have done. I was amazed at how much I wanted to have sex so quickly. The first dates had been epically long (like 20 hours at one point) and we'd developed a real connection. It's either there or it's not"

Like what in the living hell?? Why dick the first guy around..??

I don't get this at all....I guess I am behind the curve..

TFY

 

Only people who lack empathy do this.

NO concept of hurting people whatsoever, ride roughshod over them, do not care a damn about any one, use people, and then wonder why on earth they could possibly be upset...

smh

[SammySammy]

If you're OLD, you have to assume everyone you meet is talking to and meeting other people also.

 

You'd have to incredibly naive or arrogant to assume you are the only person they are interacting with. Whether that is a few messages online to full blown dates and casual sex.

 

I'm not sure what's shocking or surprising about that. That's dating in today's world. If you don't have a commitment, assume they could be involved with others.

 

That's common sense.

[CryForNoOne]

Honestly this seems less like multi-dating and more like sleeping around. When I think of multi-dating, I think more of what knabe above said.

 

Also, what's with the 500 texts and "you're this, you're that" arguments with a woman you've met once? Seriously, only in the dating world are people insta-BFF's with people they literally don't know, with all the drama in tow.

 

Please spare me the morality speech about sex. We're all mutually consenting adults. It's America's f**d up Puritan views of sex which is why we have so many religious fanatics in this country yet are by far the largest consumers of porn in the world...

 

I just checked and we actually ended up at 656 messages. That was 90% her. She told me she's an empath. I thought it was a bit much but I enjoyed the convos so I just rolled with it. By contrast, I've only exchanged 150 texts with the girl I really like.

[CryForNoOne]

for a safety net lol otherwise you could possibly have a dateless Friday night,

 

The part that tickles me the most is when they say stuff like "I'm so into him. I want to sleep with him so bad, but I won't yet because I really like him. But we ended up in bed and fooled around, I mean I gave him oral and then he took my pants off and we did anal for a bit, but I stopped him and told him I'm not sleeping with him. I don't want him to only want me for sex. " like inaccessibility to your vagina is the only thing that keeps a guy interested. Like there's something in there that will unlock secrets to the universe, and once he gets them, why's he need you.

 

Again this is why Americans are by far the #1 consumers of porn in the world.

 

https://www.bustle.com/p/which-countries-watch-the-most-porn-america-did-not-disappoint-in-2016-28331

 

Sex is such an important part of a healthy relationship I honestly can't imagine considering an LTR with someone unless I knew the sex was good...

[CryForNoOne]

It sounds like you are encouraging a lot of emotional investment and closeness with these women even though you are only in the "feeling it out" stage, so they felt hurt because to them it felt like an abrupt, out of the blue dump when they thought they were in the early stages of a new relationship.

I only had one date and didn't engage in any lovey dovey or sexual talk with ANY of them except for the one I really like.

 

I mean, over 500 (!!!) text messages, phone conversations, a kiss (how passionate?). She probably thought things were going great. And then BAM! (And honestly, telling her that "you're the kind of person I want in my life" seems so condescending after you just told her you met someone else you liked better.) I don't think you should've been quite so honest about meeting someone you like better -- that's a pretty solid way to make someone feel like total crap.

 

What did you talk to her about in those 500 text messages and phone calls? Were you laying it on thick? Were you talking about the future or talking about sex? She was upset because she was already emotionally invested in where things were going. Yes, some of that is her own fault, but I wonder how much of this you are pushing and encouraging.

As I mentioned in another reply, that was almost all her. It was a brief French kiss. We mostly talked about music because we're both musicians. Anytime I mentioned something like I was trying to eat healthy or I sprained my wrist, she barraged me with messages, remedies, and web links. She repeatedly said she's a nurturer, caregiver, empath. She called me every time.

 

 

But you were ghosting her, weren't you? You didn't respond. I would ask the same question as above -- how much communication did you have with her and what types of things did you say to her? How passionate was the kiss? She, too, was emotionally invested, and you ghosting probably felt like it was out of the blue since you abruptly turned it off once you met the other woman.

 

I'm all for multi-dating in the early stages to try to weed out the people you don't like, but you have to be careful that you aren't laying it on too thick and creating a lot of emotional intimacy that you really don't mean. I would encourage you to reel it in little bit if you want to multi-date.

Again a brief French kiss. Under 100 text messages over the course of a week. Mainly how is your day going etc... I was not ghosting her. When I got that message about her mornings being consumed by thoughts of me, and I was like "Oh brother. Now what do I say?" I wasn't going to reciprocate when I didn't feel the same way. An appropriate response didn't come to mind and frankly I was too preoccupied with clearing my schedule to see the girl I really did like. I'm a single dad and needed to drive long distance to return my daughter to her mommy Sunday. I raced back to LA to have a second date with the girl I'm really into. Then she came home with me and we were up all night screwing, kissing, cuddling, etc... She left at 7AM and I had to be at work at 8am. I came home and passed out and woke up at 5AM Tuesday to see her texts. Sorry but 36 hours is not enough time to merit a barrage of angry messages.

[CptInsano]

I only multi-dated once. I had a new date I was very much into, and suddenly a friend of mine told me that she had feelings for me, and I had no clue how to decide or what to give up.

 

Keep in mind that this was IRL, so both women knew where I lived and had my phone number. For two weeks my life turned into a comedy of errors, straight of out a romcom, trying to keep things straight and the charade going.

 

I finally had to tell the friend that I couldn't see her as more than that, and that was the end of it. I have no intention of ever doing so again, so I have no advice to offer, unfortunately.

[Popsicle]

Just stop multi-dating. Date one girl at a time- the one you like the most. They probably will all be there when/if you go back.

[CryForNoOne]

Just stop multi-dating. Date one girl at a time- the one you like the most. They probably will all be there when/if you go back.

 

LOL. Best advice of the thread. The one I like most I met the old fashioned way. I picked her up in the produce section of Trader Joes. The other 4 were all OLD. For all the pre-screening and profile matching, I just end up finding a bunch of flakes or nut jobs...

[Miss Spider]

Just stop multi-dating. Date one girl at a time- the one you like the most. They probably will all be there when/if you go back.

 

lmao. sadly, true. I'm still gonna be around, at least. Take your time, dude.

Edited August 30, 2017 by Cookiesandough