Are women who don't have sex early on seen as weird?

[TaxMan]

I can totally relate to your feelings on this, and I disagree with your friend. I recently started a thread, actually, about discovering something called "demisexuality" and realizing that it is me.

 

This is someone who needs to build an emotional connection with someone before having sex with them. I have never had sex on the first date or had a one-night stand. I am 43 and have had a number of LTRs, but no sleeping around. I am a guy.

 

So ... I guess I see nothing wrong with you waiting as long as it takes for you to feel comfortable enough with someone to have sex. Some people can do it on day one. You take more time. There is no right answer, there's just what works for you, and only you can know what that is. It's between you and your partner.

 

Trust your own gut and don't follow someone else's rules about what you should be doing.

[Hathor]

I can totally relate to your feelings on this, and I disagree with your friend. I recently started a thread, actually, about discovering something called "demisexuality" and realizing that it is me.

 

This is someone who needs to build an emotional connection with someone before having sex with them. I have never had sex on the first date or had a one-night stand. I am 43 and have had a number of LTRs, but no sleeping around. I am a guy.

 

So ... I guess I see nothing wrong with you waiting as long as it takes for you to feel comfortable enough with someone to have sex. Some people can do it on day one. You take more time. There is no right answer, there's just what works for you, and only you can know what that is. It's between you and your partner.

 

Trust your own gut and don't follow someone else's rules about what you should be doing.

 

Thanks for sharing Maybe I am a Demisexual too. In college I had what I guess you might call a casual fling with a fellow student. He was very physically attractive and very smart. I thought he was an OK guy, but didn't have deep feelings. We had great conversations. I found the sex physically satisfying but I felt completely detached from it and from him. I believe he felt exactly the same way about me. It wasn't an unpleasant experience, just soulless and somewhat mechanical.

 

Fast forward to now. I'm dating two different guys, both of them only for a few weeks. One of them I just don't feel emotionally connected to, although I respect his intelligence and find him physically attractive. I've not even kissed him. I have a nice evening at dinner with him and then say goodbye and go home. The other guy I'm CRAZY about. By date 3 we ended up in bed at his place but didn't have sex. It sounds corny but we spent a lot of time staring into each other's eyes, lots of laughter. He held me so tight all night. I actually wanted to have sex with him and maybe should have done. I was amazed at how much I wanted to have sex so quickly. The first dates had been epically long (like 20 hours at one point) and we'd developed a real connection. It's either there or it's not.

[BluesPower]

Do what you are comfortable with...

 

It is your life. Having said that, if I am really interested in a woman, we are having sex by the 3 date if not sooner. And, sorry, if she is not there, she is toast.

 

I am a little older and I need to know if we are sexually compatible before we invest too much time.

 

I feel like grown people can have sex when they want and I don't have to be in love, I like being in love, but I don't have to be...

[Miss Spider]

I just get repelled by guys/women that follow dating rules? Date 3 MUST be the sex date - why on earth??? Why not date 2 or date 12? Or whenever you both feel like it??

 

I feel like people that have low EQ need the dating rules to move forward, for the rest - it is when it feels like it is right.

 

Exactly!!! Seems so manipulative. I cringe every time I read "I had sex with him. Huge mistake" WTH? How do you mistakenly have sex with someone ?? You wanted and enjoyed it or not?

Edited August 29, 2017 by Cookiesandough

[BluesPower]

Amen C&D...

 

I like sex as much as anyone, but honestly these woman that think theirs is mink lined or something, I just don't get. The same for partners that ever with hold sex in a relationship, marriage or whatever.

 

I mean PLEASE, if that was all I wanted who is to say I would be talking to you in the first place, I can get that anywhere.

 

I mean a guy or girl is into you or not, if not move on...

[Gr8fuln2020]

When I'm single, I date a lot. We'll go out for drinks or coffee or dinner etc a few times, typically talk on the phone and text a fair bit too. This may go on for anywhere from 2 to 6 or more dates before I'm necessarily clear on whether I want to continue seeing him (and whether he wants to continue seeing me of course too). That's it.

 

No sex. At most some kissing. It's only when I'm really emotionally involved with somebody and crazy about them that I'll have sex.

 

I thought this was all fairly normal but recently a friend told me it's really weird. She said a woman should at least be having oral with a guy after 4 or 5 dates. Really?

 

When I'm really, really into a guy, I can hardly wait to have sex with him ;-) But are we expected to care deeply and feel connected to every random guy we go on a couple of dates with? It would feel very forced and mechanical to me to have sex with somebody I think "seems nice enough."

 

Nothing 'weird' about you. As per your friend's assertion that oral should happen by the 4/5 date....uh, no.

[Popsicle]

If you're multi-dating you can't have sex with them all, now can you?

[kendahke]

I am a little older and I need to know if we are sexually compatible before we invest too much time.

 

This. All. Day. Long.

 

I'm 57, and I know what I like in a romantic/sexual partner. What I'm not going to do is to spend a whole bunch of time investing in a fantasy about how I imagine that person is sexually. We can be firing on all cylinders, mentally and emotionally on the platonic level, but if he's horrible in bed, this isn't going anywhere but to the friendzone. I'd rather be alone because bad sex isn't a price I'm willing to pay in order to not be alone, which is part of the reason why I broke up with the last guy I was seeing back in the spring.

 

I've read way too many threads from women who have married someone they didn't know well, sexually, and they have ground their sex life to a halt and are asking the board's permission to go have an affair because they can't fathom living out the rest of their lives with their roommate they also happen to be married to and have children with.

[Robratory]

She said a woman should at least be having oral with a guy after 4 or 5 dates. Really?

 

Interesting choice of words your friend made. Did she mean receiving or giving?

 

There used to be a rule (TANR) about "no sex until at least the third date," but that didn't mean sex had to happen by the third date.

 

On the other hand, by the fourth or fifth date, under ordinary circumstances, you expect the relationship to have developed to the point where there's some physical intimacy. If you're still at the peck-on-the-cheek phase by then, something is going on.

[BaileyB]

This. All. Day. Long.

 

I'm 57, and I know what I like in a romantic/sexual partner. What I'm not going to do is to spend a whole bunch of time investing in a fantasy about how I imagine that person is sexually.

 

I've read way too many threads from women who have married someone they didn't know well, sexually, and they have ground their sex life to a halt and are asking the board's permission to go have an affair because they can't fathom living out the rest of their lives with their roommate they also happen to be married to and have children with.

 

Sure. I don't disagree, but with respect this is not necessary what the OP is asking... There is lots of time to learn about a sexual partner before making the decision to marry.

 

She is asking if women are seen as "weird" if they won't have sex early in the relationship. And the answer is no, there is nothing wrong with waiting for sex, oral or any other kind of sex, when dating and establishing a new relationship. In fact, there is a lot to respect about the decision to wait until you are comfortable with someone and you feel ready to take this next step...

 

Do what feels right for you, OP.

[Ami1uwant]

The general rule is by date 3 or 4 that sex could/should happen if you are regularly talking between dates. If not much communication between dates then 3 or 4 could be too early.

[thefooloftheyear]

The general rule is by date 3 or 4 that sex could/should happen if you are regularly talking between dates. If not much communication between dates then 3 or 4 could be too early.

 

Who made this "general rule".....???

 

TFY

[mortensorchid]

I don't think that's weird, it depends on the situation before you.

 

In some cases, some wait a long time; in others they jump in the sack within the hour after they meet. It's part of growing. If you aren't attracted to the man before you, why would you want to have sex with him? If you want a shallow relationship where it's all sex and nothing else, by all means. If you want something more, do the waiting game for a bit to get to know each other somewhat before you do anything remotely related to sex. It's complicated, truly.

 

But part of it involves waiting for the right moments and the right person to be before you.

[Steve51]

My wife was a virgin until she was 20, the year she met me. She not only never had intercourse but no oral either. We are married 45 years. For 30 of those years my wife had a female lover that she shared with me, did a wife swap and soft swinging. She also did just about every fetish out there, even the yucky ones. We did all sorts of things like sex on the beach, sex in back of a limo, sex against the glass wall of a hotel at night with the lights on so everyone could see, sex in a hotel swimming pool late at night when no one was in the pool with us. Sex with each other in a hot tub while another couple in there with us did the same. My wife sometimes walked around a hotel room naked as room service setup our table. She did anything I asked.

 

Do not judge a book by its cover. I thought I was in for a regular vanilla sex life which would get boring after the first 10 years and here we are in our mid sixties still doing fetish play.

[Chilli]

No way , that would tell me l found at least one with a bit of class and judgement . But also much much more.

It shows wisdom , insight , a girl that has some knowing,

My kinda women.

As a matter of fact it would turn me off to no end if she started ravaging and ripping clothes off any time soon and pretty well end it for me.

l can go without until somebody special comes along , and l mean special , for lots of reasons and any women that interest me would do the same and know them all.

Just how l roll .

Edited August 30, 2017 by Chilli

[kendahke]

Sure. I don't disagree, but with respect this is not necessary what the OP is asking...

 

I wasn't addressing the OP. I was addressing Blues Power's comments.

 

She is asking if women are seen as "weird" if they won't have sex early in the relationship. And the answer is no, there is nothing wrong with waiting for sex, oral or any other kind of sex, when dating and establishing a new relationship. In fact, there is a lot to respect about the decision to wait until you are comfortable with someone and you feel ready to take this next step...

 

I already addressed this:

not all women do this. Some do, but not all. Nothing wrong with that as long as you understand what you're doing and why.