How do I tackle my smart boyfriend and his smart friends?

[CptInsano]

Not in my experience, medicine is an all encompassing profession and because there is a long protracted career path post graduation, the focus tends to not shift very far off topic for a long time, if ever.

 

Medics of all ages love to discuss medicine with other medics, but as it is a jargon based profession with its own "language", pretty cliquey and often insular, then when a bunch of them get together, it is always difficult for non-medics to make valid contributions to the conversation.

 

Agreed, medicine is its own little world. My background is in physics and thanks to nuclear medicine I got a "guided tour" of that world, and its boundaries are defined very differently than they are in regular academia.

[rushed]

I know how you feel, OP. My boyfriend and all his friends and family are crazy smart academics - doctors, professors, engineers, scientists, accomplished artists. Me? I dropped out of community college and use adjectives like "crazy smart."

 

I was terrified of meeting his family. Fortunately they are as kind as he is. However, one night as we were all sitting around they started talking about something I had no clue about. So I just sat and listened and nodded along. Shoot, what else could I do?

 

My boyfriend and his friends meet occasionally for Sunday dinner. I have yet to go to one. I've declined everytime my boyfriend has invited me. I can only imagine the awkwardness I'd feel there. My boyfriend, however, being an introvert himself, has understood and never pressured me or made me feel bad about not going.

 

I have met some of his other friends and get along well with them, so have no problems whatsoever hanging out with those friends of his.

 

Life is too short to hang out with people you're uncomfortable around.

[Gr8fuln2020]

I think this is a lame response and frankly a little populist and anti-intellectual. The problem is not her BF or his friend's GF with 7 PhDs (if that is in fact what OP was claiming). The problem is the OP's insecurity. The dinner conversation sounded completely normal for a group that is 3/4ths medical students. She has to learn to be comfortable with the fact that she'll never be as smart as every single person she interacts with. Nor are some people as good looking as everyone you meet etc... If you cannot accept that, I suppose you should not surround yourself with those people or you will always be miserable. These issues BTW are totally normal for young people in their early 20's, but you'll never be happy unless you overcome these insecurities. The old adage is completely true "You can never truly love someone unless you learn to love yourself first..."

 

I have never been accused of being 'populist' nor 'anti-intellectual.' In fact, the opposite at times. No, what I am saying is that some intellectually elite are full of themselves. PERIOD. It is also true that some do, as we all know, consider income potential as an important criterium for dating.

 

Of course, I was only going by what she posted originally and had no idea of her 'other' family income potential, etc.

 

Also, did I not encourage her to embrace her profession? I did.

[JuneJulySeptember]

.Unfortunately, in the career heirachy most medical students laugh at arts and social science degrees.Everytime I think I'm confident enough to approach these social situations,I feel like I'm quickly shot down.When we're out and people ask us about our professions, my bf is always the one people prefer to talk to.It's slowly driving me crazy and I don't know how to address these situations.

 

If you care so much about sh@t like job status and perceived 'intelligence' (which is subjective), then why did you go into early childhood education?

 

Either be happy with what you're doing or switch and become an investment banker, but stick to your guns.

 

Don't let the world and society set your path for you. Think for yourself.

[act00]

To me, it seems less about how smart you are and more about having very little in common with this group, and a group of people who have very little outside common interest. It sounds like "shop talk." There's really not a whole lot more they have to talk about, and perhaps a lot of that has to do with the fact that their lives are consumed with their studies and working and there just isn't a whole lot else. If this group became friends over video games, kayaking, sports, or politics, you could find yourself in a similar situation where you just have very little knowledge or interest in the topics, and really can't contribute much.

 

In addition, some people can be incredibly book smart but lack certain social skills. They lack an ability to take interest or carry conversation outside of their general knowledge.

 

You could be looking at any combination, and I think the bottom line is, when it comes to his friends, there isn't much in common, and on a long-term basis, you may spend little group time with this bunch as a couple (he'll go out with them solo), but maybe you and your guy will meet other people where you all share common interests and you can all participate. It's a personality thing, and you won't necessarily be on the same plane as everyone you meet, but hopefully in the future, there will be more to talk about as their worlds expand beyond books and internships, etc.

 

If he's putting you down, whether you're alone or with the group, then that's a whole other story. Don't consider yourself stupid or your field to be any less than theirs, and if they're making you feel that way by passive-aggressive words or actions, then they're simply not people you want to be around. Otherwise, it's just a situation where there is no common interest, and hopefully that will change when their personal lives expand beyond their schooling. Your boyfriend could help out by bringing up common topics you're all interested...if there are any. The fact that they know about you and have been planning to meet you says good things.

[d0nnivain]

It's work talk. It wasn't about you either pro or con -- it was just what they have in common.

 

 

I have a fancy degree & a high profile job. When I socialize with work colleagues sometimes my husband just tunes us out because we're off in our own little world. My husband is very smart in his own right but can't converse with us in our specialized language. I don't have an indepth understanding of what he does either. I certainly don't think less of him because he doesn't share my degree / license.

 

 

Your BF chose to date you & to show you off. He could have very easily dated a class mate in med school. He doesn't want a women who can compete with him intellectually.

 

 

You have nothing to worry about except in your own mind.

 

 

Ask Qs occasionally & learn the art of changing the subject.

[elaine567]

He doesn't want a women who can compete with him intellectually.

OK but that is the very thing that is really bothering the OP.

She does not want to be seen as the gf who is no competition to him as he is a "doctor" and she is a "childcare worker", the gf with the "lesser" degree, the gf who cannot compete with him intellectually and the gf who is just a prop and who makes him feel good about himself.

 

SHE wants to be the one that is at least on an equal footing or even looked up to sometimes by her bf and his mates.

She does not always want to be seen as the "poor relation", no matter what she does or she achieves.

 

BUT medicine is one of the original old professions: divinity, medicine, and law, and commands a load of respect from many people.

That is what she is up against ...

[knabe]

If you care so much about sh@t like job status and perceived 'intelligence' (which is subjective), then why did you go into early childhood education?

 

Rude and ignorant, considering every doctor, lawyer, scientist, etc. went to elementary school.

[d0nnivain]

OK but that is the very thing that is really bothering the OP.

She does not want to be seen as the gf who is no competition to him as he is a "doctor" and she is a "childcare worker", the gf with the "lesser" degree, the gf who cannot compete with him intellectually and the gf who is just a prop and who makes him feel good about himself.

 

SHE wants to be the one that is at least on an equal footing or even looked up to sometimes by her bf and his mates.

She does not always want to be seen as the "poor relation", no matter what she does or she achieves.

 

BUT medicine is one of the original old professions: divinity, medicine, and law, and commands a load of respect from many people.

That is what she is up against ...

 

 

You missed my point. I was not disparaging her intelligence. I was trying to explain that he doesn't want to date a doctor so she has nothing to worry about. He doesn't see her as less. He just sees her as a non-doctor.

 

 

If he genuinely thinks she's less than him, then she needs a new BF. I didn't see him looking down on her. I saw her being insecure with no reason to be.

 

 

She's differently smart then he is. She may not be able to practice medicine but he can't control of room of kids.

[Els]

Rude and ignorant, considering every doctor, lawyer, scientist, etc. went to elementary school.

 

I think the poster was trying to say that "job status" doesn't necessarily mean anything.

[Sweetfish]

I think this is a lame response and frankly a little populist and anti-intellectual. The problem is not her BF or his friend's GF with 7 PhDs (if that is in fact what OP was claiming). The problem is the OP's insecurity. The dinner conversation sounded completely normal for a group that is 3/4ths medical students. She has to learn to be comfortable with the fact that she'll never be as smart as every single person she interacts with. Nor are some people as good looking as everyone you meet etc... If you cannot accept that, I suppose you should not surround yourself with those people or you will always be miserable. These issues BTW are totally normal for young people in their early 20's, but you'll never be happy unless you overcome these insecurities. The old adage is completely true "You can never truly love someone unless you learn to love yourself first..."

 

 

I 100% agree. Strange how the boyfriend and his friends did absolutely nothing wrong and the intellectual are pegged as "evil" and non-intellectual are pegged as virtuous. Same narrative can be seen between the poor and rich.

[umirano]

Excellent post by smackie

 

That's how they chitter chatter among themselves because they are at that stage where they are gathering up their achievements at the start of their careers. It's just their focus at this time. This will pass and they will move onto talking about raising their kids and about trips and crap. This is when you will shine, and can share your knowledge.

 

I agree, but it is quite sad just how many smart people are subconsciously rude and inconsiderate. I've always made an effort to include everyone when I invited people over and I've always had friends from the most diverse backgrounds. From forest workers and mechanics to office workers, nurses, teachers to math or philosophy Phds. And by the way, the forest workers were not the dimmest. Not once.

 

For your party, breakout some fun adult board games that will challenge them on their wit, not their knowledge. Something out of their comfort zone. Cards against humanity is an anything goes game while drinking a bottle of wine, or Taboo is simple and fun, kinda charades type game.

 

I can't second this enough. I recommend backgammon or Set! I have played bus drivers who play on world championship level. The national champion in my country also plays at the local backgammon hangout. She runs a restaurant.

 

Another friend is a surgeon. I asked him about a pretty common skin condition. He had no clue. Doctors are alright. But they're often extremely specialized, even in their field, certainly when it comes to 'mere' knowledge. I definitely wouldn't generally place them higher on an intelligence distribution than most other college graduates. In one talk I listened to, the researcher giving the talk said that in mass intelligence tests psychologists and medical doctors aren't the highest in the distribution. Math is high, but he didn't say who was highest.

 

Either way, intelligence alone doesn't make anyone a valuable, decent member of society. A modicum of basic diplomacy, politeness and inclusiveness has never hurt anyone. It seems that is at least one area where your boyfriend can still improve.

[anna121]

This reminds me of the great scene from the West Wing where the President, a Nobel Prize-winning economist, is having dinner with the doctor friends of FLOTUS who is herself a thoracic surgeon. He complains about being unable to understand what they are talking about.

 

Try and get together with them in smaller groups and talk about other things so that you get to know them. I'm a university law professor, and when we all get together we are absolutely insufferable. But one on one we're almost tolerable.

[GemmaUK]

I don't think this will go away, medicine is his life.

 

He praised her on PHDs and you on sports - which in a roundabout way was a neg on you. This is a simple tell that he sees your academic accomplishments as he sees them as having no value.

 

OP if I were you I would be finding out what his life plan is and whether it's to have a stay at home wifey.

 

My work is intellectually based and I dated a chap whose work was physical based. His opinion of my role was painting my nails and answering the telephone (I'm a Management Accountant) and he thought his role to be of higher value (he was a truck driver), he didn't see my role as being anywhere near equal value to his.

I discovered his life plan for us was me quitting work and staying at home to look after the house he wanted to buy with the funds from my place and to look after the dog he wanted to get whilst he continued working away all week.

 

If your life plan is to continue your career when your own children come into the equation or when you marry/co-habit I think you would be well served in finding out what his views on that are.