CryForNoOne Posted August 29, 2017 Posted August 29, 2017 I would have a serious problem with anyone who allows an evening to be ruined by being 15 minutes late. Maybe this a bit an LA or NYC thing, but if you're rushing to a date and miss one turn, you're 15 minutes late. Get over it. I ended an LTR and the above was one of my top reasons. Almost every time we planned a trip together, the first 24 hours was complete $h!t. Why? Because she created this self induced rage over being on time. Not even to catch a flight. Just to arrive at such and such a place by car before some arbitrary time. Waking up and loading up the car became like the Bataan Death March. If I didn't rush with the same urgency as her, she'd get really pissed off and blame me if we were late (and it was often nobody's fault, like traffic or we forgot something). Then the whole drive down was the silent treatment. She'd also get really impatient if we went to a restaurant with a reservation and we didn't get seated immediately. It sucks all the fun out of something that is supposed to be pleasant and enjoyable if punctuality is so important just for punctuality's sake... 1
carhill Posted August 29, 2017 Posted August 29, 2017 What I've noted in life is that even the chronically late seem to always be on time when facing a lawsuit in court Wonder why that is? Could it be 'motivation'? Heh. Example. When my exW and I first met in person, she was a half hour late for our lunch date. When we met at the courthouse for our final dissolution, she was right on time I doubt I had that much influence on her. OP, my suggestion is set consistent boundaries and stick to them, not in a punitive way but rather a pleasant 'this isn't working' way. You have zero control over other people and complete control over your own personal boundaries. Lots of folks out there to date. Enjoy! 3
Gaeta Posted August 29, 2017 Posted August 29, 2017 Right now, it's 15 minutes. What happens when 15 minutes becomes 20, 25, 30 minutes? Why always assume the worse in people? I get to work at 9h05, I have been getting to work at 9h05 for the past 14 years. It's 5 minutes late, it NEVER turned into a 10 minute or a 20 minute late. Right now the story is about a man that has his internal clock late by 15 minutes, not 20, not 30 not an hour.
GunslingerRoland Posted August 29, 2017 Posted August 29, 2017 The etiquette of being on time for stuff is gone in society today. People show up for meetings late, concerts, movies. I am a very punctual person and it drives me nuts that I'm always the first person to arrive for everything, even if I arrive right on time. 15 minutes is a fairly small amount of time, it doesn't take much with traffic to make you late 15 minutes late, so like others said, I'd probably forgive that, even though it's a poor first impression. But you do have to draw a line somewhere. 2
d0nnivain Posted August 29, 2017 Posted August 29, 2017 My take is that you two are incompatible. Punctuality is important to you. He already told you he's always late. He's not going to change. It's only been 2 dates. Just stop dating him. Date somebody who shares your views on time & time wasting. Putting too much thought & effort into trying to change him will only make you crazy. Why bother? 3
Robratory Posted August 29, 2017 Posted August 29, 2017 I would not get my panties all twisted for 15 minutes. I don't either if it's occasional, but I can't tolerate people who are "always" late. I used to have lunch around once a month with an ex-girlfriend, and she was always late. To make the lunch date, I had to get on the freeway and cross a bridge. We would meet at a food court that was basically across the street from where she worked. And she was never there when I arrived (on time). I'd wait ten minutes and then call her, and she'd be like, "OMG, the time just got away from me. I'll be right there!" One day, I waited the usual ten minutes and then just went home. I told her, You're an adult. If you can't be on time to a meeting you have across the street from where you work, you have problems." I'm not in touch with her anymore, and her chronic tardiness was a factor. 5
Usename12 Posted August 29, 2017 Posted August 29, 2017 15 minutes is makeup time. At least that's what the ladies say when I am waiting. If it bothers you OP, then it does. If this is his annoyance, then it will continue to be. This reminds me of how Northern Europeans Germany, Netherlands, etc are annoyed that Southern Europeans Italy, Greece, etc. have a more relaxed view of time in general.
sharkbite0 Posted August 30, 2017 Posted August 30, 2017 I try to always be on time for dates (as everyone should). When I mess up and time gets away from me, or I hit some traffic, I always send a text to just let them know I'm running a little late. It's just common courtesy. If you are an adult you understand that time is meaningful to people and no one wants to sit like a puppy dog in the window waiting forever for their ride/date. 1
Chilli Posted August 30, 2017 Posted August 30, 2017 On time , what , WTF ???????????? The world has truly gone mad. If l'm ever on time for anything,let alone a date, shoot me. Please. !!!!!!! 1
guest569 Posted August 30, 2017 Posted August 30, 2017 I usually arrive right on the dot. I wouldn't put up with someone that is "always late" with no reason. Making someone wait 15 mins on a first date is not good. I would have felt stood up. If he was 15 mins late for a job interview, he would not get the job. 2
FrankByMonster Posted August 30, 2017 Posted August 30, 2017 I read a lot of dating tips and some of them says that if something really bothers you in person you date and that person won't change it ever then what's a reason you still date? 1
Eternal Sunshine Posted August 30, 2017 Posted August 30, 2017 It's a personality thing. Yes, I am not late for job interviews and important work meetings. But...for me not to be late, it requires intense focus. It doesn't come naturally. If I am dating someone, I want to be my comfortable self. If I have to really focus on not being 15 minutes late or the other person gets pissed off, then we are not compatible. I am perceptually late for dates and that means ALL dates, even when I am really into someone. If I feel relaxed, I would be in the middle of reading an interesting article and before I know it, 15 minutes have flown by. That said, I do text if I am running more than 10-15 minutes late. 1
clia Posted August 30, 2017 Posted August 30, 2017 15 minutes is a long time when you are sitting and waiting for someone. I don't mind it occasionally because things happen, but I couldn't deal with someone who was late all the time for no good reason. I don't buy the "it's just who I am" excuse. It's rude and shows a lack of respect for the other person's time. Five minutes is one thing; fifteen minutes is substantial enough that I'm wasting time sitting around waiting for you. (That's fifteen minutes that I could've spent doing something productive.) I suspect that lack of respect would filter into other aspects of the relationship as well. You'd think the guy would be on his best behavior and make it a point to be on time for the first couple of dates, but I guess he's done you a favor because he's clearly shown you who he is. (And if 15 minutes is him trying to be on time, I can't image how late he usually is.) It's up to you to decide if this is something you can live with. Obviously some people don't mind. 2
CryForNoOne Posted August 30, 2017 Posted August 30, 2017 Making someone wait 15 mins on a first date is not good. I would have felt stood up. 15 minutes is a long time when you are sitting and waiting for someone. Wow. I'm stunned that nearly half the people on this thread have such a huge problem with 15 minutes. It's FIFTEEN MINUTES!!! If you're picky about everything on a first date, you'll be single forever. There are a multitude of reasons why someone could be late for a first date and to make such sweeping assumptions about someone's personality is absurd. I had a hike for a third date once that I was half an hour late. I was on time the first two dates. She spent the first half of the hike lecturing me about punctuality and how we were probably not compatible. I just tuned out after 5 minutes, enjoyed the scenery and exercise, and bid her adieu when we reached the bottom. She actually apologized when the hike was over and said she tends to overreact. I said that was fine but never talked to her again. Bullet dodged... She was a librarian and got off work at 3PM and picked a hike 10 minutes from her house. We agreed to a twilight hike at 530PM and had to drive all the way across town in horrible rush hour LA traffic. I own a business that involves driving from client to client. I didn't schedule any late afternoon appointments to meet her for the hike which costs me money. My client made me late and traffic was worse than usual. I texted her an hour beforehand stating I was running behind. Sometimes I get stuck standing around waiting for my clients to issue a check. I'm not going to leave until I get it. Am I self-centered and inconsiderate each time a client makes me late? I can either space 2 hours between appointments to ensure I'll never be late, but then only bill 3-4 hours a day, or I can bill 6-8 hours a day and be occasionally late to my next appointment. That would literally cost me $100K/year to ensure I'm never late... Busy people with a lot going on in their lives tend to be late. Someone who has a 9-5 job and plenty of time to watch reality TV may or may not depending on their personality. I'm a single dad, living in LA, drive from client-to-client for work, and have employees that are also just like little kids. Sometimes I'm late and it's my fault. More often than not, I'm late because other people make me late. Does that make me undateable? It's very simple. Being late all the time says: My time is more important than yours. Intent is irrelevant. That is what it says. Most people who are always late for social obligations are NOT late for an ultra important work meeting. Because there would be consequences. So they CAN be on time; they just choose not to. This is a choice of character, plain and simple. People are on time for what is important to them. My ex-in-laws were always late. We told them the time for photographs for the wedding were an hour before the real time....and they were exactly on time. This should not be necessary. This is simply NOT true. I'm late to important work meetings just as often as I am to social obligations. So again, categorically false sweeping observations. Now I have a bandmate who is perpetually late for gigs. He lives with his parents, can barely keep a parttime job, and doesn't even own a car. Now he is the inconsiderate $h!tbag you're referring to. He's young so hopefully he grows out of it, but whenever he starts lecturing me about not committing as much time to practicing for the band, I seriously want to kick him in the teeth. Not all of us can sit in their bedroom all day playing guitar yet show up an hour late to everything... 1
Gaeta Posted August 30, 2017 Posted August 30, 2017 It's a personality thing. Yes, I am not late for job interviews and important work meetings. But...for me not to be late, it requires intense focus. It doesn't come naturally. If I am dating someone, I want to be my comfortable self. If I have to really focus on not being 15 minutes late or the other person gets pissed off, then we are not compatible. I am perceptually late for dates and that means ALL dates, even when I am really into someone. If I feel relaxed, I would be in the middle of reading an interesting article and before I know it, 15 minutes have flown by. That is exactly how my youngest brother is (36). He's a scientist and an intellectual and he is in his own bubble. He's not traveling on the same wave as the rest of us. His wife knows him and loves him just the way he is. They're doing just fine! When they call and say they'll visit and be here at 1 pm, we all know they will show up at 3 pm so we don't rush and we don't make a big deal of it. 1
caveman621 Posted August 30, 2017 Posted August 30, 2017 It depends on if you can accept it. Personally, I find it very rude if you are scheduled to meet someone and they are late. They have no respect for your time and, IMHO, they feel like their time is more important than your time. They think it's OK to be late. From some prior replies to the OP, some people won't agree, but just saying, "Yeah, I'm always late." isn't an excuse to always be late. I have some good friends and relatives that I know will be that way. I don't like it, but I deal with it. So that's the question. Can you deal with it? Quick story, I had season tickets to hockey, and my sister-in-law said she'd love to see a game. So I said fine. Faceoff at 7:00. I'll meet you in front of the arena at 6:45. I finally called her at 6:55. Where are you? Her response, "I'm getting something to eat." What?
knabe Posted August 30, 2017 Posted August 30, 2017 So we can't judge people for being perpetually late, but we can judge people for not liking it when someone is perpetually late. Just when I thought we couldn't be more self-centered.... 4
Chilli Posted August 30, 2017 Posted August 30, 2017 (edited) Wow. I'm stunned that nearly half the people on this thread have such a huge problem with 15 minutes. It's FIFTEEN MINUTES!!! If you're picky about everything on a first date, you'll be single forever. There are a multitude of reasons why someone could be late for a first date and to make such sweeping assumptions about someone's personality is absurd. I had a hike for a third date once that I was half an hour late. I was on time the first two dates. She spent the first half of the hike lecturing me about punctuality and how we were probably not compatible. oh man , that'd be a good night from me l'm afraid. imagine being married to her. Edited August 30, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Fix quote
Chilli Posted August 30, 2017 Posted August 30, 2017 (edited) lf l was l'd def' text her ahead if she was gonna be waiting somewhere, that's a different thing. Couldn't just leave her sitting out somewhere alone waiting. Edited August 30, 2017 by Chilli
Gaeta Posted August 30, 2017 Posted August 30, 2017 So we can't judge people for being perpetually late, but we can judge people for not liking it when someone is perpetually late. Just when I thought we couldn't be more self-centered.... You can 'not like it' as much as you want that's not the problem. The problem is all the judging of those people and saying they lack respect, they don't value your time etc etc. I am sure some of the people that are always late it's because they lack respect BUT there are other people, like Eternal_sunshine and my brother, who have simply a different internal clock and get easily distracted. 2
knabe Posted August 30, 2017 Posted August 30, 2017 You can 'not like it' as much as you want that's not the problem. The problem is all the judging of those people and saying they lack respect, they don't value your time etc etc. I am sure someone people are always late because they lack respect BUT there are other people, like Eternal_sunshine and my brother, who have simply a different internal clock and get easily distracted. You won't find a more distracted person than me. I'm on time because it matters. Just like I pay my bills because it matters. Just like I clean my house because it matters. I also grew up in a generation where manners, etiquette, etc. were still taught. I think that's the real difference. And this idea that I should be able to be late when I'm comfortable? That's like saying that my loved ones should get the most thoughtlessness because I know they'll love me anyway. 3
Gaeta Posted August 30, 2017 Posted August 30, 2017 You won't find a more distracted person than me. I'm on time because it matters. Just like I pay my bills because it matters. Just like I clean my house because it matters. I also grew up in a generation where manners, etiquette, etc. were still taught. I think that's the real difference. I am 50 so I know all about being raised differently. I also know people change, generations change and we don't all come out of the same mold AND I am not mentioning cultural difference here. I am dating a Caribbean man, they have their own clock and their own definition of being late. They'll be ahead of time at work but If we're invited to a dinner for 6h most people will show up at 8h. It's not a matter of it being good or bad, we don't live in a black and white world. It's a matter 'this isn't good to me' and you move long.
clia Posted August 30, 2017 Posted August 30, 2017 Wow. I'm stunned that nearly half the people on this thread have such a huge problem with 15 minutes. It's FIFTEEN MINUTES!!! If you're picky about everything on a first date, you'll be single forever. There are a multitude of reasons why someone could be late for a first date and to make such sweeping assumptions about someone's personality is absurd. Like I said, I don't mind it occasionally and if they have a good reason. I understand that people get caught up at work or stuck in traffic. It happens. I also don't mind so much if they let me know in advance they are going to be late, so I can just adjust my schedule accordingly. I'm talking more about people who flutter in 15, 30, 40, minutes late without so much as a text and I've been sitting at a table at a restaurant waiting for them to show up when I could've been doing other things. I've encountered a lot of people like that who don't seem to have any concern for wasting someone else's time. You mentioned you told your hiking date in advance you were going to be late and you seemed to have a good reason, so I don't see a problem with that. Busy people with a lot going on in their lives tend to be late. Someone who has a 9-5 job and plenty of time to watch reality TV may or may not depending on their personality. Ok, sure. I'm a single dad, living in LA, drive from client-to-client for work, and have employees that are also just like little kids. Sometimes I'm late and it's my fault. More often than not, I'm late because other people make me late. Does that make me undateable? There are plenty of people in this thread who have said they don't mind lateness or are late themselves. So, no, it doesn't make you undateable in the general sense, but to some people it might well make you undateable. It's just another incompatibility. But if you are courteous about your lateness -- letting them know in advance you are running behind -- that likely makes it even less of an issue.
knabe Posted August 30, 2017 Posted August 30, 2017 I'm talking more about people who flutter in 15, 30, 40, minutes late without so much as a text and I've been sitting at a table at a restaurant waiting for them to show up when I could've been doing other things. I've encountered a lot of people like that who don't seem to have any concern for wasting someone else's time. This is what I mean. Everyone is late occasionally because we cannot control everything. I was supposed to go eat at 6:30 the other Friday night. I left in plenty of time, but there was a wreck on the interstate that caused a 45 minute delay. I couldn't control that. I called the person and we rescheduled because at the time I had no idea how long it would be. This morning I was a few minutes later than I thought I would be getting to work because I looked at my gas gauge halfway there and realized I needed gas - badly. It was only 5 or 6 minutes and it almost never happens, so no biggie. But the overarching message from the late apologists is: This is me; adapt the world around me. THAT seems to be a growing sentiment in our society, and a trend I don't think is a very good one. And this "I work harder than you at my real job and you can be on time because you're just watching the Kardashians" is so arrogant....being late would be the least of my dealbreakers with someone like that lol 1
Gaeta Posted August 30, 2017 Posted August 30, 2017 But the overarching message from the late apologists is: This is me; adapt the world around me. THAT seems to be a growing sentiment in our society, and a trend I don't think is a very good one. I would think it's a good thing on the contrary. At least people show you who they are for real from the start. Would you prefer he tries to change for you but can't hold it? then it would have really been a waste of your time. You know yourself and you know you can't deal with someone on the laid-back side that's late most of the time. It does not need to be categorized as good or bad, it simply needs to be categorized as 'not good for you'. This man may not be for you but he can make another laid-back woman pretty happy. ETA: So to get back to OP. If it's a big deal to her she needs to let this man go. No one is telling her to change to accommodate him.
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