BeeT Posted August 28, 2017 Posted August 28, 2017 My boyfriend has just had back surgery, so I've been going over to his place lately, went over to hang out past 2 days. Today he had plans to hang out with friends, so I told him to chill with them and said I'd catch him tomorrow. However he invited me to come over and see him at 11pm after he was done with his friends- I said it was too late and I didn't want to have to walk home late and that i'd come and hang out with him tomorrow. He said I could stay over, but given his recent surgery I think it's a bad idea we share a bed til he recovers a little. He got quite quiet on the phone and just said 'fine, catch you later' and hung up just as I was saying 'see you tomorrow'. I know he is annoyed at me. I haven't texted him or called him back. So my question is what do I do? My gut instinct is just not to text him again til tomorrow, and leave him to come around basically, after he has a nice evening with friends and realises he has nothing to be pissed about! I know people can be irritable after surgery so I'm trying to cut him some slack, but he acted a bit childish. I really care about him though and don't want him to be angry at me But I'm trying to stand my ground. Will he really hate me and not see me for days because of this? I'm so worried :/
Author BeeT Posted August 28, 2017 Author Posted August 28, 2017 I mean is it good to let him be sulky for a while? Or will he hate me
GunslingerRoland Posted August 28, 2017 Posted August 28, 2017 It's like with small kids, if he pouts when he wants something, and then you give it to something, he'll learn to do that more. Most people don't meet up at 11 pm on a weeknight unless they work afternoon shifts or something, it doesn't seem like a request that would be odd to say no too. 7
smackie9 Posted August 28, 2017 Posted August 28, 2017 Don't play into his guilt tripping, if you do you enable this behavior from him. Stand your ground, because your reasoning was not out of line at all and he should have respected your decision. Simply contact him today and see where his attitude is at. Maybe he has calmed down about it. If he hasn't, tell him you understand that recovery has it's challenges, but it doesn't give him permission to talk to you like that and your reason for not going over was valid, it shouldn't be questioned. Act like an adult and will be treated like an adult. 8
Els Posted August 28, 2017 Posted August 28, 2017 (edited) Well, I'm of two minds here. The first is that if he really "hates you and doesn't want to see you for days" just because of this, he's being a drama queen and you're better off without him. My second thought is that it sounds like you're catastrophizing. Nothing he has said or done indicates that he's unhappy to the extent that you seem to think he is. You're really coming up with the worst case scenarios here. It's possible he was just a little disappointed and will get over it quickly. Also, depending on the quality of the mattress, having another person in bed isn't necessarily bad for someone recovering from surgery. Some mattresses don't transfer movement to the other side at all. Personally I think you should have let him make the decision for himself on whether or not HE wanted someone in his bed after surgery, and you should have gone if you had wanted to otherwise. If you didn't want to, that's fine too, but don't make it about the surgery. Edited August 28, 2017 by Elswyth 2
preraph Posted August 28, 2017 Posted August 28, 2017 Stick to your guns! Good grief. If he gets in a twist about something this minor, think how he'll be with something more significant. Just don't do anything and act like nothing is wrong next time you talk, because nothing SHOULD be wrong. Sounds like a booty type call anyway. No need to start breaking that precedent where he hangs with friends and then calls you up like a hooker to come do him. 3
Author BeeT Posted August 28, 2017 Author Posted August 28, 2017 Thanks everyone for your advice. Well, I'm of two minds here. The first is that if he really "hates you and doesn't want to see you for days" just because of this, he's being a drama queen and you're better off without him. My second thought is that it sounds like you're catastrophizing. Nothing he has said or done indicates that he's unhappy to the extent that you seem to think he is. You're really coming up with the worst case scenarios here. It's possible he was just a little disappointed and will get over it quickly. Also, depending on the quality of the mattress, having another person in bed isn't necessarily bad for someone recovering from surgery. Some mattresses don't transfer movement to the other side at all. Personally I think you should have let him make the decision for himself on whether or not HE wanted someone in his bed after surgery, and you should have gone if you had wanted to otherwise. If you didn't want to, that's fine too, but don't make it about the surgery. You are absolutely right, I am most likely catastorophizing, and I know it. I have a tendency to worry extremely about people I love getting angry with me, and it stems from childhood because I grew up with a very angry father. This is an issue I know I have and I am trying to deal with it. And yeah, I said I would come over if he thought it would be okay, and that it was up to him with regards to sleeping over, but that we should be careful. He just sort of said whatever and proceeded to hang up the phone shortly after. I told him I'd hang out tomorrow but I'm worried that tomorrow he'll still be angry and won't wanna see me 1
Gaeta Posted August 28, 2017 Posted August 28, 2017 I can imagine he has been feeling pretty vulnerable after a back surgery and add to that a bunch of pain killers that doesn't help. If he was my bf I would be taking care of him and that includes heading to sleep next to him at 11 at night. If the bed isn't steady enough I would have slept on a camping mattress on the floor. Yes he was annoyed and probably hurt you wouldn't go to be with him in 'his' moment of needs. Give him a break he's going through something difficult.
thefooloftheyear Posted August 28, 2017 Posted August 28, 2017 Maybe he wanted some sex and you cut him off??...Perhaps that's why he got shytty? I know he had back surgery, but I don't know what the limitations are in terms of sex... Just a thought... TFY
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted August 28, 2017 Posted August 28, 2017 Your time matters, too. He can suck it up and see you at a more reasonable hour next time. You should not have to bend to his every whim or be made to feel guilty for saying no. He's trying to manipulate you. 3
Author BeeT Posted August 28, 2017 Author Posted August 28, 2017 I'm thinking about texting him just to say I hope he had a good evening and goodnight and that I love him. Tomorrow I'll give him two times I'm available to accommodate him and he can choose. Sound good? 1
BaileyB Posted August 28, 2017 Posted August 28, 2017 I'm thinking about texting him just to say I hope he had a good evening and goodnight and that I love him. Tomorrow I'll give him two times I'm available to accommodate him and he can choose. Sound good? Seems like a good plan to me. Ps. I wouldn't have gone over either, unless he was really not able to be alone during his recovery. I think what you did was quite reasonable. 2
smackie9 Posted August 28, 2017 Posted August 28, 2017 Don't suck up. Just text him goodnight and that you will talk tomorrow. Leave it at that. 2
basil67 Posted August 28, 2017 Posted August 28, 2017 I have a tendency to worry extremely about people I love getting angry with me, and it stems from childhood because I grew up with a very angry father. This is an issue I know I have and I am trying to deal with it. I'm glad that you recognise what's going on and are trying to deal with it. Does this mean that you're doing counselling or seeing a psychologist? What I worry about most is that you don't currently have the skills required to walk away from a person who may be emotionally abusive to you. A crucial skill is to recognise when a person is out of line with their behaviour. To be able to not take their anger personally, and instead view with a sharp eye and decide if this is the type of person you really want to be with. There can come a time when a person acts badly repeatedly (probably like your dad treated your mum) when we have to say walk away from them for our own safety and sanity. 2
K.K. Posted August 28, 2017 Posted August 28, 2017 Stick to your guns! Good grief. If he gets in a twist about something this minor, think how he'll be with something more significant. Just don't do anything and act like nothing is wrong next time you talk, because nothing SHOULD be wrong. Sounds like a booty type call anyway. No need to start breaking that precedent where he hangs with friends and then calls you up like a hooker to come do him. This ^. So much this!
coolheadal Posted August 28, 2017 Posted August 28, 2017 I mean is it good to let him be sulky for a while? Or will he hate me It's his ego, you stand your ground GOOD GIRL! He can't have all his friends over and not invite you at all. So they're gone and he doesn't want to be on his own. He should have respect for you or appreciate the fact you can't go over it's too late and you don't want to spend the night with him because of his back issue. He's being a baby, needy and spoiled. You stood-up and he hanged you up on the phone with rage. You let the spoiled little boyfriend to cry in his bed by himself. Do not contact him at all no text, no cell calls. Let the little boy grow some and get his confidence back so he can be the man you wanted as boyfriend again. Respect you an appreciate all you have done for him in the past and present. Again let this guy contact you.. Never give into his ego, it will show weakness on your part if you do. 1
Gaeta Posted August 28, 2017 Posted August 28, 2017 Stick to your guns! Good grief. If he gets in a twist about something this minor, think how he'll be with something more significant. Just don't do anything and act like nothing is wrong next time you talk, because nothing SHOULD be wrong. Sounds like a booty type call anyway. No need to start breaking that precedent where he hangs with friends and then calls you up like a hooker to come do him. A lot of ladies are jumping the gun here....a booty call? comparing OP to a hooker? c'mon !! he just had a back surgery. And who says he chose to hang with his friends here? He had a surgery and his friends came over to check on him and keep him company probably. On top of that OP lives close enough to walk to his place, not like she was looking at 30-45 drive to get to him. There is no evil man here, just a man feeling vulnerable and wanting his gf by his side. 1
thefooloftheyear Posted August 28, 2017 Posted August 28, 2017 A lot of ladies are jumping the gun here....a booty call? comparing OP to a hooker? c'mon !! he just had a back surgery. And who says he chose to hang with his friends here? He had a surgery and his friends came over to check on him and keep him company probably. On top of that OP lives close enough to walk to his place, not like she was looking at 30-45 drive to get to him. There is no evil man here, just a man feeling vulnerable and wanting his gf by his side. I dunno.... Maybe when I was 3 years old and I had a tummy ache, I might like my mom to hold my hand and stroke my head so I can get to sleep... A grown guy? I guess it's possible, but I can't see it...Most of the time, if I am not feeling well or my back hurts, I'd probably rather sleep alone.. He prob wanted a lil nookie..compromised or not... TFY 3
Els Posted August 28, 2017 Posted August 28, 2017 Thanks everyone for your advice. You are absolutely right, I am most likely catastorophizing, and I know it. I have a tendency to worry extremely about people I love getting angry with me, and it stems from childhood because I grew up with a very angry father. This is an issue I know I have and I am trying to deal with it. And yeah, I said I would come over if he thought it would be okay, and that it was up to him with regards to sleeping over, but that we should be careful. He just sort of said whatever and proceeded to hang up the phone shortly after. I told him I'd hang out tomorrow but I'm worried that tomorrow he'll still be angry and won't wanna see me Hm. This does indeed sound like rather more abrupt behavior than your opening post indicated. Regardless, I still think that you should just relax and act normal tomorrow and go over and see him then. No point worrying yourself about it like that. If he's a reasonable person he'll just be happy to see you tomorrow. It's possible he was just feeling a bit sorry for himself today, as people are wont to do when they're recovering from being ill/unwell. 1
Blackened Heart Posted August 28, 2017 Posted August 28, 2017 Many are jumping to the assumption that this guy threw a huge tantrum over her not coming over, when that wasn't his reaction at all. By the OP's account, he sounded disappointed and just said bye, which is completely understandable. Are people not allowed to react or sound disappointment when they feel a bit down now? He had back surgery, which I can't even imagine what it is like to recover from (though we don't even know what the extend of the surgery was). When you are unable to do things you normally are able to do, it gets to you and makes you feel helpless at time, that is something that should be understandable. With that being said, OP you are not wrong in declining to come over if it was too late for you and did not feel safe wanting to walk in the dark. At the same time, it's not fair to assume he is all out angry about the situation. Nor is it right to somehow hold it against him for being disappointment. If anything, it's an indicator of him wanting to be with you, I would think anyone would want to be with someone who wants to be with them. Talk to him tomorrow and ask him how he is doing, and just go from there. If the matters come up about coming over again, just say what periods of time you would be able to. It's fine to stand firm in what you are and are not comfortable doing, but at the same time let's not let a reaction of disappointment be a flag of this guy needs to be chastised. 2
smackie9 Posted August 28, 2017 Posted August 28, 2017 I think he's being a big baby. You can't always get what you want so suck it up. It was just one night, not two weeks of rejection or being blown off. Plus she has been over their several times helping him out, so it's not like he hasn't seen her. And I'm pretty sure he had a tone to his message or the OP wouldn't be here. 4
basil67 Posted August 28, 2017 Posted August 28, 2017 A lot of ladies are jumping the gun here....a booty call? comparing OP to a hooker? c'mon !! he just had a back surgery. And who says he chose to hang with his friends here? He had a surgery and his friends came over to check on him and keep him company probably. On top of that OP lives close enough to walk to his place, not like she was looking at 30-45 drive to get to him. There is no evil man here, just a man feeling vulnerable and wanting his gf by his side. Hang on....I'm sure I'm not the only person who's comments are influenced by the title used on a post. The OP wrote "Boyfriend mad I wouldn't come over late". It wasn't a question, it was a statement. He wasn't sad or disappointed. He was mad. He cut short their conversation with a "whatever". He may not be evil, but he's sounding like a douche. And let's not forget this is the same guy who woke in some other woman's bed last month. 4
Gaeta Posted August 28, 2017 Posted August 28, 2017 He cut short their conversation with a "whatever". Sounds like the type of things people say when they are upset as in disappointed. She said he's mad but he saw nothing to indicate he is mad. 'what ever' does not equate mad to me. It's a passive agressive comment we all use when dissapointed or defeated. What is this guy's situation? Is he confined home? Can he walk around? Can he dress and undress on his own? Is he heavily medicated? How long ago was the surgery?
Gaeta Posted August 28, 2017 Posted August 28, 2017 I dunno.... Maybe when I was 3 years old and I had a tummy ache, I might like my mom to hold my hand and stroke my head so I can get to sleep... A grown guy? I guess it's possible, but I can't see it...Most of the time, if I am not feeling well or my back hurts, I'd probably rather sleep alone.. He prob wanted a lil nookie..compromised or not... TFY You know men are crying babies and need attention when hurt. Yes I think when we are in a commited relationship we should take care of each other the best of our ability in sickness or in any kind of difficulties. Nookie as in sex? with probably considerably heavy pain killers and pain? I doubt it.
d0nnivain Posted August 28, 2017 Posted August 28, 2017 There's balance in everything Your guy is recovering from surgery & can't come to you. You thought it was too late to go see him & you didn't want to say over. That is OK. You don't have to do something just because he wants you too. On the flip side, he's hurting so have a bit of compassion but that doesn't mean cave into his every whim. If he's still angry at you tomorrow, re-evaluate whether you want to spend the long term with somebody who can't compromise & doesn't care one whit about you. Despite your anxiety & your admitted tendency to catastrophize, he will probably be fine the next day. Stop making yourself crazy. He hasn't done anything except be miffed in the moment. It will pass. You are the one overthinking this. Last Saturday night, when we were in another state, after working hard all day, I wanted to go to a nice restaurant for dinner. My husband wanted to go see his brother at the brother's restaurant on a college campus. I said let's go there Sunday for lunch. I wanted an elegant & quiet dinner. I got a frat party & a burger. I pouted for a while but I didn't throw my marriage away over it; I wouldn't have dumped a boyfriend over it either. Life means sometimes you don't get what you want.
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