kakashi147 Posted August 28, 2017 Posted August 28, 2017 When we first started dating she was very open about her phone and everything. Recently she has been on her phone a lot more and we have had issues about a month ago where she went home back to her parent for a couple days to "think about things". We had a big chat the other day about everything, she says she loves me still wants to be with me but she has seemed a little more possessive about her phone than she used to. Before she would tell me her pin to check a message if I was near her phone, recently she changed her pin and got funny about it when I asked as I always forgot as I was using it for a torch (which she let me do). A couple days ago I checked her phone for the time, as our phones look alike and where next to each other. I noticed all her notifications have gone from showing up to being "contents hidden". This has only been changed I am sure recently and not sure how to bring it up to her. I feel like she is hiding something she does not want to tell me, I dont think she is cheating but she is definitely being more secretive about something and I dont know how to start the conversation on why she is being more guarded over her phone. It's a simple case of, she asks me what I am doing on my phone I reply like normal. If I ever ask her the same question she gets annoyed at me as if I am trying to catch her out. Your advise on how to tackle this would help, I trust her for the moment but the more she hides the more I begin to suspect something is up.
ChatroomHero Posted August 28, 2017 Posted August 28, 2017 Gut feelings are usually pretty accurate because you subconsciously pick up clues and body language over time that paint a picture. She may not be cheating but I would expect maybe either she is in communication with someone that hasn't gotten to the cheating level yet, where she is feeling out the situation, or else she has texts to her family and friends complaining about you. I am pretty direct about things but you won't really get a straight answer from her if she is doing something wrong, instead it will be turned on you. I would probably stash my phone in the car one day when I visited her and tell her I had an important private call to make to my boss or someone and needed to borrow her phone. Any hesitation or "deleting" actions before she hands it over and something is up. Any suggestion to use another means other than the easiest (borrow her unlocked phone for 5 minutes), I'd call her out on it. I would straight up at that point tell her she is being weird about her phone and obviously hiding it from me and there really is only a couple of reasons a person would do that to a SO and none of them are good. Even now when my ex gf comes over, her phone is crappy and I will let her use mine. She will search the internet or make calls from my phone. She asks to use it, I swipe the pattern and hand her the phone in less than 3 seconds.
Robratory Posted August 28, 2017 Posted August 28, 2017 People shouldn't be in each other's phones to begin with. Aside from trust, what are the actual issues between you two? 2
Poutrew Posted August 28, 2017 Posted August 28, 2017 Your trouble started a month ago when she told you she wanted to 'think about things'. The thing she wants to think about belongs to another man, and she is now playing you. Deep down, you know this. Now, you could act all butt hurt about her hiding things from you, and whining and crying to her until she finally lets you see her freshly deleted phone, but why? As of now, she is running this relationship - that's why she wants to know what you are up to and gets upset at you when you ask the same question of her. Again, I need to ask you why are you putting up with this crap? Unceremoniously dump her. Tell her that you have been 'thinking about things', like she has, and you have come to the conclusion that you want to have a new girlfriend. Wish her luck in her future endeavors, and then forget about her for good. You will never find someone who truly loves you until you find someone who can respect you, and this chick aint it. 5
Jsos91 Posted August 28, 2017 Posted August 28, 2017 As someone who has been cheated on and someone whose had a woman leave them for someone else, something is up. Her being open about her phone from the start sets precedent in the relationship, you have the expectation that she is an open person about that type of stuff. When all of the sudden that changes, there is a variable that has been thrown into the mix to cause that change. I will tell you this right now, TRUST YOUR INTUITION!!! I cannot stress that enough. My most recent ex was very open about her phone and all of a sudden got very secretive and guarded, eventually she was leaving me for someone else. I know its hard to trust your gut because it means admitting the possibility that she's talking to someone else, but you need to get a handle on this and figure it out otherwise you're going to drive yourself crazy.
knabe Posted August 28, 2017 Posted August 28, 2017 Unless she is planning a big surprise or something (which, let's get real, I doubt)...something is going on. Hiding the phone, changing the pin, recently hiding notifications...it all points to her not wanting you to see something. I would say go with your gut.
kendahke Posted August 28, 2017 Posted August 28, 2017 I agree with Poutrew: That "I'm going home to think..." was a warning shot across the bow that she's on her way out. Did she ever tell you the conclusion of this weekend thinking trip? What did her family decide for her? True story: Woman and her boyfriend shared everything. She had all access to his phone and email, but she felt that something was up with him, yet she couldn't pin down her unease. He was with her most of the time, so she was convinced he wasn't cheating on her. Come to find out, he had a second phone that she didn't know about. He never brought it in the house. The bill for it went to his job where the computer with the email account he used to correspond and set up his rendezvous was located. He knew the his job wasn't going to let her come up in there and snoop through their property, so that's where he kept it. All that to say: having access to someone's phone and email is meaningless. If they are of the mind to cheat, they are going to do it and if they're naturally deceitful, they are going to construct a way to hide it from the person they're not finished with yet. Before you say "She's with me all the time when she's not working..." A cheater will make time in their day to cheat. 3
Versacehottie Posted August 28, 2017 Posted August 28, 2017 You don't have "real" trust. When you had the pin to her phone you had faux trust so you never built the real thing. Maybe you guys aren't capable of it. However, substituting being able to check on her phone activities vs real trust has now gotten you in a far bigger problem. When being able to check and how she guards her phone are your only measures of "trust" you are in trouble. It doesn't sound good that she is being cagey but maybe she is just fed up with & rebelling against being checked on. Like others said, if someone wants to cheat, they will find a way to do it and "checking" or spying on them offers no real solution. It will just be wasted time since you were counting on false sense of security by being able to check rather than by real security and trust by picking the right person and building a solid relationship. 2
Author kakashi147 Posted August 28, 2017 Author Posted August 28, 2017 You don't have "real" trust. When you had the pin to her phone you had faux trust so you never built the real thing. Maybe you guys aren't capable of it. However, substituting being able to check on her phone activities vs real trust has now gotten you in a far bigger problem. When being able to check and how she guards her phone are your only measures of "trust" you are in trouble. It doesn't sound good that she is being cagey but maybe she is just fed up with & rebelling against being checked on. Like others said, if someone wants to cheat, they will find a way to do it and "checking" or spying on them offers no real solution. It will just be wasted time since you were counting on false sense of security by being able to check rather than by real security and trust by picking the right person and building a solid relationship. Oh I am not saying she gave me the pin to check, she was just more natual about her phone and was'nt being secretive about anything. She said when we first got together she thinks that is you delete convos you dont want your other half to see etc thats the same as cheating in her eyes. Now she is doing that exact same thing, I saw her delete some messages from her guy friend and now she is hiding her notifications. It's the sudden changes not the fact I was checkng up on her before because I wasnt, it was more like she would want me to check her phone to see who it was if I was closer to her phone kind of thing. Now she is hiding everything.
kendahke Posted August 28, 2017 Posted August 28, 2017 Why are you still with her since you're suspecting her of cheating? What does your gut tell you? Follow that.
Author kakashi147 Posted August 28, 2017 Author Posted August 28, 2017 Why are you still with her since you're suspecting her of cheating? What does your gut tell you? Follow that. My gut does not say she is cheating I dont think, but it does say she is hiding something.
Bastile Posted August 28, 2017 Posted August 28, 2017 * takes a break to consider your worth * comes back with behaviour worse than before * dodgy behaviours * has an intimate relationship with male friend/s, kept apart from you etc Low interest. Simple as that. Adjust accordingly. Ball is in your court. 1
kendahke Posted August 28, 2017 Posted August 28, 2017 My gut does not say she is cheating I dont think, but it does say she is hiding something. And are you fine with knowing that the day may never come where she will show you or allow you close enough to her phone to snoop? If she wants to hide whatever on her phone, that is her right. You don't have to be with her if it bothers you that much. 1
Gaeta Posted August 28, 2017 Posted August 28, 2017 My gut does not say she is cheating I dont think, but it does say she is hiding something. If she is not cheating she is well on her way to. Which is not any better then cheating. How long have you been dating?
Author kakashi147 Posted August 28, 2017 Author Posted August 28, 2017 If she is not cheating she is well on her way to. Which is not any better then cheating. How long have you been dating? We have been dating just over a 1.5 years
Gaeta Posted August 28, 2017 Posted August 28, 2017 I read your past thread. You've been dating 1,5 year. You were long distance and you recently moved closer to her and she moved in with you shortly after. From there everything went down hill and she suddenly was in need of 'me time' and now this. I am sorry to say but this relationship is over. Her heart and mind have checked out already, there's only the body left to move out and it's coming soon. I am sorry you are going through this but long distance relationship have a low success rates when the distance is abolished. You don't need any further proof than her actions during the past 3 months. 1
Versacehottie Posted August 28, 2017 Posted August 28, 2017 Well, this is from your wording about having her pin and all the other things you say exhibit her caginess with her phone. So anyway you failed to build real trust because whether you demanded or checked her phone purposely now you are being blocked from it--you assume purposely. The only real thing that gave you security was being able to have the freedom with her phone activities that now you do not have. Ok, so if I am misreading and you have complete trust, a simple question or two should clear it all up. What are you afraid to find? And if she IS cheating, so? Why would you want to be with someone who would do that? Tread carefully though, I can just tell you that a guy who questioned me, doubted my fidelity or needed access or to be monitoring my phone activities would be on such thin ice. Basically you are just exposing a problem that has existed all along: you don't really trust her or maybe she is not deserving of your trust. Before she would tell me her pin to check a message if I was near her phone, recently she changed her pin and got funny about it when I asked as I always forgot as I was using it for a torch (which she let me do). A couple days ago I checked her phone for the time, as our phones look alike and where next to each other. I noticed all her notifications have gone from showing up to being "contents hidden". This has only been changed I am sure recently and not sure how to bring it up to her. I feel like she is hiding something she does not want to tell me, I dont think she is cheating but she is definitely being more secretive about something and I dont know how to start the conversation on why she is being more guarded over her phone. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted August 28, 2017 Posted August 28, 2017 What did she need to go to home to "think about", exactly? That was your big red flag that she's not checked in to your relationship. The subsequent behaviour with the phone compounds the above-mentioned problem. You already know something is wrong. The next step is whether you want more time to observe her for more concrete proof that something is up, or just call it a day. Under your circumstances, I'd be more inclined to do the latter. It's only been 1.5 years and she's already taken space to think. It doesn't sound like there's a lot of juice left.
lolablue17 Posted August 28, 2017 Posted August 28, 2017 I'm sorry for you. You gf is hiding things from you, it could be from forbidden cons, to full cheating. But unfortunatelly for you, It's not your main problem. You main problem is that you gf think you're a stupid idiot and that is hard to change. Because after she declared that deleting conversations is like cheating - If she changed her behavior to deleting cons, being possessive about her phone and preventing you from any access - She must think you are a complete moron to not notice that her actions contradict her declaration. These things had the nature to get worse. If she notices that she can step all over you and you don't respond, she will start disrespecting you, more and more. How can any girl respect her bf if he lets her step all over him? That is your main problem. You can still have the chance to fix it, by acting like a man and make some demands.
Reddice Posted August 28, 2017 Posted August 28, 2017 Jeez this brings back memories... the bad kind of memories that is. No doubt in mind that she is cheating or planning on doing so. My ex did the same, going from being clingy to wanting time to think and from having an unlocked phone to a double password protected one. She swore nothing was up, but when I at first insisted that I wanted to see her messages she refused. Days later she let me look... Only my texts were in there. For someone that was sending messages non stop in my presence, that was not her smartest move. Oh yeah, and I also have fond memories of her taking the phone to the toilet and to bed. In the middle of the night, when she thought I was sleeping, I could see the glow from her screen. When I asked what she was doing, she was checking the time... For 10 minutes straight... Dump her, dump her fast, dump her hard and tell her you won't stand for this kind of disrespect. Believe me buddy, I tried to do all I could to save my relationship and almost lost myself in the process. If you think you have it bad now, wait till you start finding actual proof... or worse... 2
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