Ultraviolence Posted August 28, 2017 Posted August 28, 2017 (edited) I made a few threads talking about my friendship before and this is the last one I will make. I'm just so stuck right now. My mind has told me over and over that ending it is the right thing to do. But I feel like my heart is stopping me from pulling the trigger. It hasn't been easy being her friend. I've "put up" with things for years now that made me feel like I was being treated for less than what I am. It's my fault that I didn't bring anything up but it's just the way I am and the way she is that stopped me from wanting to create potential conflicts. I feel like it's finally taken its toll on me and I can't continue on being happy with things staying the same as the past. So I don't know what's left for us. I was so convinced yesterday that this needed to end and I wanted her to see that and act on it. But there's just something about her wanting me in her life that makes me feel so sad and guilty about it. I pretty much ignored her yesterday and that was the first time I had the chance to speak to her in months. I also didn't make myself available to talk to her today... I don't know what kind of damage I've done now. I'm afraid once it "officially" ends and she no longer wants me in her life that it will sink in and hit me hard. Maybe I subconsciously want her in my life no matter how hard things get. I've always told her that I would be there for her and I always really believed I could be there for her no matter what. We've had amazing memories over the years and I really miss them with all my heart. I know the possibilities are endless with the future/future technology coming up. But at the same time I've been really hurt by her. There was an incident last Christmas where I was supposed to meet her IRL and it blew up in my face. I didn't see any sympathy from her or any attempt of it at all. (I'll leave it at that). I don't get angry and I try to be as understanding as I can but I feel like I've been scarred by it. She can be pretty reckless towards me sometimes and I've been trying to recollect those moments in my head for the past 2 days to really help me make up my mind to end it. But I know I'm not perfect and it's my fault too. I do accept 50% of the fault. I saw her online about an hour ago and I couldn't resist, I let myself let go of everything I had been thinking of the past 2 days and I tried to initiate instead of ignoring her but she had fallen asleep. After I had done that I almost regretted it. I asked myself why am I going against everything I told myself I didn't like and making it seem like everything is alright. I guess I just don't want her to make her think it's alright that things go back to the way they were. This is all uncharted waters to me. I could be making the mistake of my life. EDIT: After making this thread I can already feel myself letting go of my emotions and just letting things return back to the way they were. *sigh* I don't know what's wrong or right anymore. Edited August 28, 2017 by Ultraviolence
Author Ultraviolence Posted August 28, 2017 Author Posted August 28, 2017 Ignore this thread now. I'm done with this topic. I guess I will just always be tied to her. The only way I can conclude my thoughts is that I will always have regrets with either decision I make. I know I have to take fault for the way things turned out so I just have to man up and be happy with the way things are and what I can get even if it hurts my ego. I always told myself I have to be strong enough to rely on myself and no one else in the event that i find myself suddenly alone so I guess I'll just stick with that plan. Anyway, she's a human being that has "resonated" with me in some way enough to I want me in her life no matter what I've said or felt in the past so what kind of a**hole would I be if I turned that down. It's either that or Im being delusional and just set myself up for massive tragedy in the future XD XD XD XD XD!
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