Is dating even worth it anymore?

[choyhtya]

I'm a 22 year old male.im writing this partially to clear my head, and also to ask the question, is love even real, worth pursuing?

 

I've been in relationships with a decent amount of people, and have experienced the highs, and the lows. I originally went about looking for a soul mate but basically ended up being heartbroken and at rock bottom when these relationships didn't work out. One of the final ones even had me contemplating suicide. Now a few months later I find myself in a different place.

 

I just got out of one (of many) two month relationships but instead of feeling like the world is at an end, I feel absolutely nothing. I loved her, I think. I used to be completely loyal in every relationship I was in. But in more recent relationships I've ended up cheating on my gf multiple times. During this most recent one I just toyed with her head and emotions when she dumped me, while accusing her of doing the same. A screwed up part of me thouught it was kind of funny. I was mostly indifferent to her dumping me.

 

The thing I'm kind of worried about is that I've done this multiple times now. I've lied to girls, cheated on them, used them, manipulated them, and laughed about it with peers later on. I feel like Im becoming a sociopath and I'm kind of worried about myself. Part of me wants to still find love but the rational side of me is saying that it's impossible for several reasons. But I also enjoy dating and sex so I'm still on a decent amount of websites.

 

I feel like I've wasted a lot of my time on dating overall because outside of sex, I've yielded no tangible results. But I've lost time, money, and added mileage to my car. I guess I'm looking for a way to shut down my sex drive lol, because I'm sure that would solve most of my problems. I firmly feel like there is no "soulmate" for me out there, or someone I would have much of a future with. But there's a side of me that insists that I shoulld still look for some reason, and I wish I could just turn that side off so I could focus my thoughts on anything else really.

 

I apologize if the writing is scattered or hard to follow, but writing helps me clear my head and introspect, plus I am looking for advice, and thoughts which is why I posted here. Thank you

[Vyliss]

I think you're young and have yet to experience what "real love" is. Two month relationships is barely even a relationship.

 

I agree you should go out, have fun, enjoy life, work on your own career goals and life goals. Have a future to look forward to. The kind of "real love" you're after will come in time. Probably after some maturity on your part and when you find more "mature" women to date as well.

 

I don't think the idea of "just one soulmate" is a helpful concept for anyone to have. In life you'll come across many "soulmates", but maybe if you're lucky, only one will stay the course with you the longest. This depends on level of maturity and personal willingness to grow in the relationship. All things that come with time.

[Steve51]

I am married 45 years and still in love. Dating is very important. If you do not believe that then check all the post from people who obviously should not have married. So many marry thinking that they can change their spouse after marriage or ignore character flaws due to love blindness.

 

Dating is the time to figure out who you love, try out new relationships and find out what you like in a potential life mate. Dating is the time when you can just walk away from a bad relationship without it costing you a dime. Marriage is not that simple to walk away from.

 

I have been in love twice, one with my ex fiancé and then with my wife. I dated my ex fiancé for 5 years and six months before the wedding she cheated on me while I was overseas dodging bullets in combat. If I would have married her earlier, I would have found out that she is was a repressed lesbian. She is married to a woman now and happy for once in her life.

 

However, I got engaged to my wife 3 weeks after we met. It was truly love at first sight. We knew that we were meant to each other and time has proven us right. Although we got engage quickly we had 8 months to learn more about each other. Learning that you are sexually compatible is very important. The internet is filled with spouse complaining about their sex life. My wife and I never complained. We still have an active and mind blowing sex life in our mid sixties. Funny how the girl that I dated the longest turned out to not be the one while the one I knew the least amount of time is.

 

Dating is not hard but most guys cannot take the rejection. If you think every girl you like will like you back, you are sadly mistaken unless you are very rich and attractive. It is a number game. The more girls you ask out on a date the better your odds of getting one or more to date you. Look at each rejection as putting you closer to getting that date. Do not project your feelings on a girl and assume she feels as you do. Do not mistake politeness for anything more than it is.

 

I used to look for girls who gave me a sign that they were interested in me. A smile, a touch while talkign to me, etc.. I rarely was rejected with that approach. Plus I went out three nights a week to places where I can meet girls. These days guys think they can meet girls from texting or on social media where you only see what they want you to see about themselves. You need to go where the girls are and look around to see who is looking at you.

 

Keep in mind that disfigured and physically handicapped people find love and someone to marriage. The only one holding you back is yourself.

[Sara1989]

You do sound horrible, not because you want to sleep around but because you seem be going on these dating sites, making out you want an relationship then basically using these women until you get bored.

 

Be upfront about what you want (just sex) you would feel a lot better about yourself and your spare other females pain.

 

Also blaming the whole female gender for couple failed short term 'relationships' is pretty sad and petty.

[Snow_Queen]

You do sound horrible, not because you want to sleep around but because you seem be going on these dating sites, making out you want an relationship then basically using these women until you get bored.

 

Be upfront about what you want (just sex) you would feel a lot better about yourself and your spare other females pain.

 

Also blaming the whole female gender for couple failed short term 'relationships' is pretty sad and petty.

 

Sara makes an excellent point. Your last paragraph is most concerning. If that is your main problem, you're doing better than many of us. You do need to come to a conclusion as to what you really want which seems to be no strings attached.

 

As long as you're upfront, you should be able to avoid the "complications" of a relationship. Just don't end up like a majority of the men I've met who spend endless amounts of effort convincing a woman they're sincere only to toss them aside like garbage when they get what they want (this was anything from temporary companionship to sex).

 

These guys would then vanish out of thin air with no explanation and some did it just to intentionally hurt women. How lucky I was to be chosen for that. Don't end up one of those guys. At least I could respect a guy's honesty upfront so we could both stop wasting each other's time.

[Miss Spider]

You sound like you're still hurting.

[smackie9]

I think you should give dating a rest for awhile and work on your well being. You are emotionally unhealthy and I have to agree with Cookiesanddough, you are still hurting. Subconsciously you are taking your pain out on these poor women, like a sort of revenge/control to boost your hurt ego. You admit you were dangerously close to killing yourself two months ago......you need to get yourself some counseling to sort yourself out. Sabotaging relationships, and abusing women is not your answer.

Edited August 28, 2017 by smackie9

[NexttP]

I guess I'm looking for a way to shut down my sex drive lol, because I'm sure that would solve most of my problems. I firmly feel like there is no "soulmate" for me out there, or someone I would have much of a future with. But there's a side of me that insists that I shoulld still look for some reason, and I wish I could just turn that side off so I could focus my thoughts on anything else really.

 

Don't push back your sex drive, it's one of the required component for a lasting relationship. But you do need to keep it in check. From what you said beforehand though, you're becoming a "player" basically.

 

Soulmate? Nope, there isn't. I mean, how can you expect that your soulmate happens to speak your language, around your age, and uses the internet (probably), or live locally. You know that's literally like winning the lottery right? The real "conditions" to that "soulmate" is basically finding someone attractive, compatible, and whom you can trust with your life who also feels the same in return. Meet those conditions, and that's "love."

 

I'm betting that the reason you keep wanting a relationship (right now) is to have a reliable sex partner, if not someone that's always there by your side (figuratively).

[ayoung73]

To answer your first question, YES, a resounding YES, yes it is! I’m more than twice your age, I worked in public safety all my life in a busy and violent city. Like you, I had my share of women, but it wasn’t until my thirties that I stopped playing the field and changed my life drastically! I stopped dating and having sex for one year. Obviously a drastic move, but during this time I really got to know myself, looking at my faults and reliving successful and unsuccessful relationships so that I could improve myself. A point you sound like you’re at. I fixed what I could, changed states, and essentially, started over in a city and state where I knew no one.

 

Listen, you’re on the right track, I’m sorry you’re hurting, but sometimes the best change is the most painful! There is someone out there for you, but it isn’t right playing with people’s emotions and taking out your anger on the next woman. You just need to fix a few issues and be honest, not only with yourself, but with the women you’re interested in. Maybe get some counseling, if you belong to a church or community center, they typically have great groups or counseling that would help you prioritize and provide you with some great tools to improve. Those were my outlets, community center and my pastor (group and individual); it really helped me to decide what I wanted and what it was going to take to achieve these goals. You have to be willing to commit. You’ve taken the first step realizing your behaviors and reaching out, take the next steps and hold yourself accountable! At this point it isn’t the woman, you have some issues to work on. FYI, I’ve been married for almost two decades now, children, a house, the whole package! It’s out there for you!

[Bastile]

You're doing what I refer to as a "Timon of Athens". Going from one extreme to another. First it's soulmates and suicide - now it's hatred and revenge.

 

You aren't a sociopath in the least. You are a hurt and confused kid. Nothing more. These are just growing pains.

 

You need to find a healthier way for your mind to grasp the grown-up realities of the game and life without succumbing to complete nihilism. Mature your worldview.

 

There is no soulmate. There's no Santa Claus either. You have to get over it.

 

You say that you've had no tangible results in dating, and that it's all a waste. I say that if all you've learned through dating is that there is no soulmate, then you are just sleepwalking through the entire experience.

[choyhtya]

Thanks for all the great replies, they have been really thought provoking. I have burned a few of my online bridges and started making small talk with girls but nothing more. I never handled rejection well at all.

Bastille you mentioned not succumbing to complete nihilism but I'm afraid that that's already happened somnetime in the last few years. I'm trying to get out of it but I feel so negative a lot of the time about everything, and it's hard to not see the world as a brutal and heartless place.

 

Maybe you guys are right and I will eventually find some amazing woman but at this point I feel as if the right woman doesn't exist. There's dozens of criteria I have for a woman I would even consider marrying them and I doubt that there's a person who'll live up too enough of them for me to tolerate a lifetime with them. Maybe I'll be proven wrong. Logically the goal of dating is too ultimately find a person you want to spend a really long time with and I just don't see that person existing, and I'm not going to make a spectacle of myself searching every nook and cranny for that person so I think a no strings attached approach is best for me.

 

Plus I feel as if I have some issues to work on such as being overwhelmingly negative/pessimistic, which is a really ****ty way to live, especially since I don't have much to complain about. My living situation is fine, I bought a sports car that I love, my career is making me plenty of money for someone my age. But I'm still negative a lot of the time.

 

Given that I'm thinking dating should be lower on my priority list and should opt for more casual encounters, but not quite sure how to do that without lieing through my teeth constantly. Thanks for all the replies guys.

[Bern216]

Just a phase my man. Ive been there. You are most likely hurting. I went through this phase when I got out of a toxic 6 year relationship. It will pass I can promise you. I am now ready to find that girl to settle with and start a family. I have yet to find her lol but the important part is I'm ready. I now have zero desire to get online and look for hookups. In time you will feel the same.

[act00]

One thing that stood out to me is that you have found the whole experience a complete waste of time. How is it a waste? You met some interesting people, you've gotten out of the house, you've had some good times and joy and sex and affection, and you've learned qualities you like and don't like, which will all help form your life and expectations when seeking that special someone. Yes, there is heartbreak. Yes, sometimes it is a complete waste, but if you can't enjoy the ride, maybe you need to take a break from it.

 

You've gone from lovestruck too soon and suicidal to a complete dick lacking empathy, and you can't be that...You can't treat women like that! And then to think it's funny? You're taking out your revenge on women who were never the problem to begin with and destroying their psyche in the process.

 

Treat people how you want to be treated.

 

If you just need to be casual right now, no strings, be upfront about it. If you're hoping for the "soulmate," don't expect that to become reality after a few short weeks. One step at a time, one date at a time. When dating starts to cause you too much stress, step back, take a break, reevaluate. There will be heartbreak along the way...it's unavoidable. Life can be a real b*tch sometimes. Try to take the positives out of your encounters. You're young, and most people your age don't know what they want yet...goals, yes, but there are so many things yet undefined. Biologically, your brain is still developing. Just enjoy the ride.

[whatnot]

you're not going to feel this way forever.

 

Humor me while I sound like your father (or grandfather)....

 

Life has just begun....