confusedin2017 Posted August 28, 2017 Posted August 28, 2017 My S/O of 17 years knowing each other, 11 years of being together, and four years of being together with a child, he has decided he doesn't want to be in a relationship anymore and that love doesn't exist and that feelings don't matter. That no woman could do anything for him, and that love is a fairytale and that life and reality is what he is living. He said forget everything I've meant to him in the past, it doesn't matter, right now he wants to live a life of freedom because he is 38 and that he could do the "family thing" when he gets older. That his good years was stolen from him. We currently have a 3 year old son. He has devalued me, blamed me for things that has nothing to do with me. Has told me how horrible of a person I am. But I am the only person that he does have and has relied on me for years. It has gone from how good of a woman and mother I am and how much he loves me to a man who has no heart. I have been calling him cold as of lately. A little background. Throughout our relationship he has shown bipolar behavior as well as depressive components. He used to push me away only to come back only to do it again. He would get in these mind states where everything he did was irrational and then a month or two later he would snap out of it! I am not a doctor in mental health but I do have one has a good friend and she diagnosed him unofficially (because he will not seek help) with bipolar and depression with manic episodes. Its crazy bc he has his moments where he will tell me "I think something is wrong with my mind " or "I think I am bipolar" or "my thoughts are all over the place and I can't seem to shut them off, Something is wrong with me, something is not right in there" but he will NOT SEEK HELP! Last year we currently moved out of our home state and for some reason I feel that this triggered something in him. We have been in our new state for almost a year now, but for the past 6 months he has been different. For the last 4 months he has been nothing but cold, cold hearted, disrespectful, forgetting our past, telling me how I mean nothing to him and then the next telling me how much he loves me. Then the next week telling me he doesn't know what love is and that Im stupid for believing in love. Or he goes into these rants about married men and how they're all stupid and suckers. How they are allowing women to run them and how that will never happen to him. This is all surprising bc he had planned on proposing to me last year! I have heard this from numerous sources and now its forget love, marriage sucks and so do love. He was just so in love with me in April and now its "Love? what is that??". All i need is for a woman to be quiet because I am young and in charge. He said everything is about him and his happiness. Says he is selfish right now and he has the right to be because its his time to be selfish. Insert curse word everyone else including me. Just today he told me his ideal situation is for me and our son to stay in the home with him while he is able to do what he wants, move how he wants and not wanting the responsibility of my feelings or dealing with "relationship fantasy" stuff, because it isn't real and doesn't get him anywhere in life. ( I moved out the home a couple of days ago after he told me he wanted to by himself and do the family thing when he gets older) That he wants me to "ride this out" with him bc he knows this is for right now but he doesn't know what right now is. And then when we talk he goes into these tirades of just screaming "I don't know I don't know I don't know anything, I can't control my thoughts but something inside of him is telling him that this isn't real and living a life without family life like that is real. But his lack of empathy, he's emotionless currently. And when I was on the phone with him, it was like he had like a weird laugh when he talked. He would say like "yeah I just want you to care about me and just ride this out" and then would start laughing. HE IS THE COMPLETE OPPOSITE of who and what I know. This is so sad that one minute he loved me and wanted a family life with me and the next he is telling me thats non existent and a fairytale! This is CRAZY!!! What would you guys do? What do you think?
divegrl Posted August 28, 2017 Posted August 28, 2017 I'm so sorry you're going thru this. Just to clarify, has he recently taken or come off any antidepressants, anti anxiety, anti psychotics or mood stabilizers??? The situation you describe happening over the last 4 months, is very similar to what happens during psych med withdrawal.
Author confusedin2017 Posted August 28, 2017 Author Posted August 28, 2017 Hi divegrl! Nope. Not at all. He has never been clinically diagnosed and hasn't taken any type of medication, but he has all the signs of bipolar and manic depressive as what I've been told. Someone even mentioned him being in a manic episode. This is all so alarming to me!
ExpatInItaly Posted August 28, 2017 Posted August 28, 2017 You say this is sudden, but is it really? It sounds like he's been emotionally unstable and erratic for years. If he won't seek help, you need to do what is best for you and your child. Remove yourselves from his presence and begin making a plan for the two of you. Your boyfriend is not someone you can rely on and you cannot be expected to just "ride this out" until he stabilizes. That is horribly unhealthy for you and your little one. Does the child see and hear all of this chaos? Even if they don't, you can be sure they sense it and are picking up that something is very wrong. Kids are amazingly perceptive. At some point, you need to recognize that he won't get better without intensive, sustained treatment. You will continue to experience verbal abuse and mental instability if you stay. As such, I think you are going to need to take the very hard step of separating and seeking legal counsel regarding custody and any joint property. You cannot make him better. But you can make life better for you and your child. 1
elaine567 Posted August 28, 2017 Posted August 28, 2017 Is he still working? Does he communicate well with other people/family/friends or is it only you that is bearing the brunt of his upset/anger/turmoil. What are hypomania and mania? - may be worth reading. This desire to be free and pushing you away and not knowing what he wants and being cold may be signs of mental illness but maybe he just wants out. He is maybe indeed fed up of family life and maybe he does feel he wasted his good years. Does he have a friend or acquaintance who is going through a break up or divorce, because sometimes these things can be contagious and it is not unknown for one person to divorce and suddenly his/her friends are doing the same. or I am sorry to say he may be having an affair. Many BSs report that their partner turns into an entirely different person in the throes of an affair. Angry, throwing blame around, cold, lacking in empathy are common,... they are trying to persuade themselves that the marriage is not working and that they need to be with their AP instead, so they make up friction and problems. They are often torn between the wife and the OW, so one minute they are all loved up and promising the earth as in their mind they are staying, the next they are cold and withdrawn as "It will never work, so I need to leave..." 1
ExpatInItaly Posted August 28, 2017 Posted August 28, 2017 Is he still working? Does he communicate well with other people/family/friends or is it only you that is bearing the brunt of his upset/anger/turmoil. What are hypomania and mania? - may be worth reading. This desire to be free and pushing you away and not knowing what he wants and being cold may be signs of mental illness but maybe he just wants out. He is maybe indeed fed up of family life and maybe he does feel he wasted his good years. Does he have a friend or acquaintance who is going through a break up or divorce, because sometimes these things can be contagious and it is not unknown for one person to divorce and suddenly his/her friends are doing the same. or I am sorry to say he may be having an affair. Many BSs report that their partner turns into an entirely different person in the throes of an affair. Angry, throwing blame around, cold, lacking in empathy are common,... they are trying to persuade themselves that the marriage is not working and that they need to be with their AP instead, so they make up friction and problems. They are often torn between the wife and the OW, so one minute they are all loved up and promising the earth as in their mind they are staying, the next they are cold and withdrawn as "It will never work, so I need to leave..." I was about to come back to say the same thing. His behaviour is not totally unusual for someone who is being unfaithful. Have you had any reason to suspect infidelity, OP? 1
BluesPower Posted August 28, 2017 Posted August 28, 2017 Yes... He is either manic for a while, which is kind of unusual but it does happen. Or he is having an affair...
Author confusedin2017 Posted August 30, 2017 Author Posted August 30, 2017 You say this is sudden, but is it really? It sounds like he's been emotionally unstable and erratic for years. If he won't seek help, you need to do what is best for you and your child. Remove yourselves from his presence and begin making a plan for the two of you. Your boyfriend is not someone you can rely on and you cannot be expected to just "ride this out" until he stabilizes. That is horribly unhealthy for you and your little one. Does the child see and hear all of this chaos? Even if they don't, you can be sure they sense it and are picking up that something is very wrong. Kids are amazingly perceptive. At some point, you need to recognize that he won't get better without intensive, sustained treatment. You will continue to experience verbal abuse and mental instability if you stay. As such, I think you are going to need to take the very hard step of separating and seeking legal counsel regarding custody and any joint property. You cannot make him better. But you can make life better for you and your child. i agree! Thank you for these words of advice!
Author confusedin2017 Posted August 30, 2017 Author Posted August 30, 2017 Is he still working? Does he communicate well with other people/family/friends or is it only you that is bearing the brunt of his upset/anger/turmoil. What are hypomania and mania? - may be worth reading. This desire to be free and pushing you away and not knowing what he wants and being cold may be signs of mental illness but maybe he just wants out. He is maybe indeed fed up of family life and maybe he does feel he wasted his good years. Does he have a friend or acquaintance who is going through a break up or divorce, because sometimes these things can be contagious and it is not unknown for one person to divorce and suddenly his/her friends are doing the same. or I am sorry to say he may be having an affair. Many BSs report that their partner turns into an entirely different person in the throes of an affair. Angry, throwing blame around, cold, lacking in empathy are common,... they are trying to persuade themselves that the marriage is not working and that they need to be with their AP instead, so they make up friction and problems. They are often torn between the wife and the OW, so one minute they are all loved up and promising the earth as in their mind they are staying, the next they are cold and withdrawn as "It will never work, so I need to leave..." THANK YOU for that link! In my heart of hearts, I don't believe that its an affair, I really feel that their could be a chemical imbalance. Everything is turning towards that...even text messages and conversations: 12:51 PM-"f*** you-you don't want me to live a good life" 12:53 PM- "you took my child, you stole him" 12:57PM- "I am so sorry" 12:59 PM- "Im just really sad, I dont know im sorry" 1:04PM- "something is wrong inside im sorry i dont know what it is, im really trying" 1:32 PM- f*** it though-i dont care! 1:52 PM- im so sorry, my moral compass is off, i feel really odd... those are real times and text of his text messages its very alarming
Author confusedin2017 Posted August 30, 2017 Author Posted August 30, 2017 Yes... He is either manic for a while, which is kind of unusual but it does happen. Or he is having an affair... Thank you so much for your comment! I dont think its an affair but who knows-you never know someone right?! but I honestly feel there is a chemical imbalance, its just all over the place~
ExpatInItaly Posted August 30, 2017 Posted August 30, 2017 Keep all of these messages, should you ever need a record of what he's said to you. Do you have somewhere you can stay with your child? This man is not stable. Chemical imbalance or not, he needs the kind of help you cannot give him. You need to now act in the best interest of yourself and your little one, which means removing yourselves from the chaos.
Recommended Posts