CAsurfer14 Posted August 27, 2017 Posted August 27, 2017 Hey everyone. I have a question. I recently went on vacation with my fiance and her two kids. All was pretty fun and we all had a great time. Before we got on the plane my fiance disappeared for about 45 minutes and returned with a ridiculous amount of tequila. She admitted later she bought some for her ex (not biodad btw) which I was fine with as they work together. Well the next day i had to leave to do errands and he calls her and they chat for 10 minutes and he says hes going to come over as I leave to pickup his tequila as I go to do errands. I got engaged to this woman a few months ago and plan on moving in in about a month. I want advice on what to do here as this annoys me a decent amount. But im trying to keep from blowing up as I dont want to be "controlling" either.
JuneJulySeptember Posted August 27, 2017 Posted August 27, 2017 I'd have no problem with my GF buying duty-free tequila for her ex or talking with him on the phone for 10 minutes. But he lives 9 hours away ... on a plane. It's a little tricky if they work together. I guess in that case, I'd be thinking to myself "Was it a fling or were they really serious?" If it was the former, I'd be OK with it, if it was the latter, then I'd have to decide on a next course of action/thinking. 1
Lobouspo Posted August 28, 2017 Posted August 28, 2017 Any other red flags OP that make you suspicious? Unaccounted time periods where you guys aren't together? Is she overly protective of her phone? I get they work together, but they obviously maintain some type of personal relationship if she's buying booze for him and chatting him up outside of work. I think you feeling uneasy about the whole thing is understandable. I think you can express your uneasiness about their relationship in a calm, respectable manner. If she gets real defensive and unreasonable about it, put your detective hat on. Look through her phone for inappropriate messages, if you have any gut feeling that something is off, investigate it. As a fellow loveshacker whom I greatly respect often says; "trust but verify"
Author CAsurfer14 Posted August 28, 2017 Author Posted August 28, 2017 (edited) I guess in that case, I'd be thinking to myself "Was it a fling or were they really serious?" If it was the former, I'd be OK with it, if it was the latter, then I'd have to decide on a next course of action/thinking. She divorced her husband for that guy, and according to her realized he was an alcoholic clown with lots of illigitimate children, so she broke up with him. But she did live with the guy for a year and Im pretty sure he still has feelings for her. Im not sure what she feels for him, but it must have been something at one point. Edited August 28, 2017 by CAsurfer14
7675 Posted August 28, 2017 Posted August 28, 2017 She divorced her husband for that guy, and according to her realized he was an alcoholic clown with lots of illigitimate children, so she broke up with him. But she did live with the guy for a year and Im pretty sure he still has feelings for her. Im not sure what she feels for him, but it must have been something at one point. So the woman you're about to marry, is still close with the guy she ditched her last husband for... And you're, at the least, ok with it?! That's crazy dude. Crazy. She might not want to be with him anymore, but it would be SO EASY for him to put the moves on her and get her into his bed. I mean, he still has feelings for her and she's out here buying him booze. This is all kinds of messed up 4
2much4 Posted August 28, 2017 Posted August 28, 2017 (edited) The only thing that would bother me is the fact he comes over when you're not around....have you ever met this guy? I think it's ok for them to still be in touch, but him coming over without you around was inappropriate. I'd discuss it with her and set some boundaries about what you find acceptable behaviour. They work together so you can't ask her to cut him off, but you can ask her to change her behaviour around him. Edited August 28, 2017 by 2much4 1
LovelyRose Posted August 28, 2017 Posted August 28, 2017 I hate to sound judgemental and probably this won't make you feel better but, is he that much of an alcoholic that he can't wait to get it when they see each other at work? Or do they have different shifts (don't know what their work is). How special is this tequila that she has to buy it for him? Did she also get other duty free stuff for other people, let alone co workers? Sorry these questions probably will make you feel even more annoyed. But I am a woman and if that was me, I'd be asking those questions to my fiance. How did you know it was him on the phone and that he is on his way while you are on your way out? If she was open about it and freely talked to him on the phone in front of you then at least that's a good thing. But you said she eventually admitted the tequila is for her ex. Which means she hesitated to be honest. So that's kinda iffy as well. Bottom line, it is reasonable for you to feel that way. So be honest and talk to her but not in an accusatory manner.
ExpatInItaly Posted August 28, 2017 Posted August 28, 2017 He's an alcoholic yet she's buying him tequila? Something doesn't add up there. Which could very well mean the rest of her story of their relationship isn't entirely accurate, either. 4
Author CAsurfer14 Posted August 28, 2017 Author Posted August 28, 2017 (edited) I hate to sound judgemental and probably this won't make you feel better but, is he that much of an alcoholic that he can't wait to get it when they see each other at work? Or do they have different shifts (don't know what their work is). How special is this tequila that she has to buy it for him? Did she also get other duty free stuff for other people, let alone co workers? Sorry these questions probably will make you feel even more annoyed. But I am a woman and if that was me, I'd be asking those questions to my fiance. How did you know it was him on the phone and that he is on his way while you are on your way out? If she was open about it and freely talked to him on the phone in front of you then at least that's a good thing. But you said she eventually admitted the tequila is for her ex. Which means she hesitated to be honest. So that's kinda iffy as well. Bottom line, it is reasonable for you to feel that way. So be honest and talk to her but not in an accusatory manner. She told me she bought some for him some specialty tequilia he couldnt get in the US. In the airport she said she got some for her other family but divulged that in the car 8 hours later she also bought some for him. I didnt care. I heard the conversation while I was in the other room in the bathroom. I kinda just sat there as her daughter was there and Im not going to confront her with her kid right there. I heard her say "oh you want to get drunk now, well you can pick it up here." She also asked about her boss and told him about her trip. I dont think the guy currently is an alcoholic at the level where he gets shakes if he doesnt drink (though maybe in the past). It sounded to me just like he wanted to call her and meet up with her. Edited August 28, 2017 by CAsurfer14
Gaeta Posted August 28, 2017 Posted August 28, 2017 At first I thought he was the father of her children, turns out he was just a bf so that makes things different. Why is she still speaking to him? I don't care she is working with him, I have been working for my ex for 14 years and we don't talk other than for work matter. She needs to cut this guy out of her life. Why are you engaged to a woman that behaves like this?
Miss Spider Posted August 28, 2017 Posted August 28, 2017 um...is this normal? I guess I just don't get people who are this buddy-buddy with their exes
kendahke Posted August 28, 2017 Posted August 28, 2017 Hey everyone. I have a question. I recently went on vacation with my fiance and her two kids. All was pretty fun and we all had a great time. Before we got on the plane my fiance disappeared for about 45 minutes and returned with a ridiculous amount of tequila. She admitted later she bought some for her ex (not biodad btw) which I was fine with as they work together. Well the next day i had to leave to do errands and he calls her and they chat for 10 minutes and he says hes going to come over as I leave to pickup his tequila as I go to do errands. I got engaged to this woman a few months ago and plan on moving in in about a month. I want advice on what to do here as this annoys me a decent amount. But im trying to keep from blowing up as I dont want to be "controlling" either. 1. do not move in with her. 2. call off the wedding She is colluding with her ex to see one another behind your back. There is nothing they need to be doing that you cannot see them do, too. If you tolerate this, she will be doing this behind your back once she's your wife and is entitled to half of what you own. I'd cut her off and let her go be with her ex since she seems to not being able to get enough of him.
kendahke Posted August 28, 2017 Posted August 28, 2017 (edited) I'm trying to keep from blowing up as I dont want to be "controlling" either. Stuffing your feelings isn't the answer, either. It's controlling when you tell her what she's going to do. It's not controlling to say what you are going to do/not do or not be a part of. She is treating you like she treated her ex husband with this lush. Of all the things I'd buy a friend who struggles with alcohol, it wouldn't be a bottle of alcohol just because he can't get it in the States. Let him spend some money to travel and go buy it himself if he needs it that badly. Edited August 28, 2017 by kendahke
ExpatInItaly Posted August 28, 2017 Posted August 28, 2017 I dont think the guy currently is an alcoholic at the level where he gets shakes if he doesnt drink (though maybe in the past). It sounded to me just like he wanted to call her and meet up with her. An alcoholic is an alcoholic. Period. She cited his problem with alcohol as a reason for leaving him. And now she's turning around and buying liquor for him, and telling him to pick it up when he wants to get drunk? Sorry OP, but he is not the only one who just wants to call and meet up.
LovelyRose Posted August 28, 2017 Posted August 28, 2017 I dont think the guy currently is an alcoholic at the level where he gets shakes if he doesnt drink (though maybe in the past). It sounded to me just like he wanted to call her and meet up with her. Yeah, I was just being nice and careful with what i was saying but that's exactly what I was feeling. Sorry, man.
Recommended Posts