Whats going on?

[crazychick]

I think that I know the answer I am going to get about this one but please someone say it out loud to me (or write it) so that I can really hear it.

 

My ex-boyfriend and I had this long heart to heart a few weeks ago about how he really wants to be friends with me. We broke up about 8 months ago, and really have only talked a little on and off since then. He has a bunch of things going on in his life that he is dealing with and he is just a mess. All of his other friends just want to party with him all the time, and he can't really talk to them like he and I talk. Which is true, in all honesty his friends are just a bunch of deliquents. I really like him, and deep down I know that he is a good person. During this conversation he told me (and multiple other times as well) that he doesn't want to get back together with me at all, he is not interested in me in that way and he really just wants to be friends. This is fine with me, because even though I do love him as a person, our relationship was not always great and I think a lot of times I wish we just never got together, that we were always just friends.

 

I have other guy friends, in fact my best friend in the world is a guy that I have known for about 11 years. So to me, being friends with an ex is not a big deal, I have done it before. The problem is that he has a weird way of showing friendship. For example, a couple weeks ago he asked me to hang out after work for a little while by his house. While I was there we just sat around and talked and watched tv, which is normal, right? I was laying on one couch, he was laying on the other. Then he gets a call from work and he has to log onto his computer and fix some problem. I just continue to watch tv, no big deal. But then he comes over and he sits on me while he is talking. Weird, but ok. Then he goes back to his call, and comes out a little later and gives me a hug. Ok. Then he just keeps touching me, not in an "I want you" kind of way, but just a lot of random little hand on my leg, head on my shoulder, stuff like that.

 

Then yesterday, he calls me because he is sick. He says he can't get out of bed, askes me if I would mind just stopping by to drop off some food on my way home. I ordered him a pizza, and went over to his house for a little while. We sat in his room and talked and watched a movie. I was laying there and he puts his pillow on my lap and lays there on top of my legs while we talk. Then he askes if I want to go out and sit on the couch and watch a dvd. He picks the movie Garden State which is one of my favorites. So we go out to watch the movie and I sit on the couch, and he wants to lay down with me, like spooning. I really didn't want to start anything - we were having such a good time, and even though I was a little weirded out, I still layed there with him like that thru the whole movie. Again, nothing happened. He held me a little, but I didn't touch him at all, I just laid there. When the movie was over, he wanted to go back in his bedroom, but I was really tired so I wanted to go home. I hugged him goodbye and I left.

 

Ok. So what does this guy really want? I mean like I said I have other guy friends, but I don't spoon with any of them when they come over to my house. I wouldn't even think to suggest it. I am a pretty affectionate person, but I don't know - I just think for someone who is not interested in me at all and doesn't want to be with me, why put yourself in a potentially awkward situation? We live about 40 minutes from each other and I live in a pretty big house. I told him at one point that if he wanted to come out by my house he could always sleep there because I live alone, and have 5 bedrooms and 4 bathrooms and the bed in my one guest room is really comfortable. (Honestly, it is awesome!) He told me that if he spent the night at my house he would sleep in my bed with me, and it would be fine because he wouldn't try anything. He also told me he wanted me to come with him to see his family (they live out of state) and I asked him what hotel would be closest to his parents house to stay in, and he said that I don't need a hotel, I could stay at his parents house in his bedroom with him. I have told him that even though I want to be friends with him that this stuff is weird to me, that I don't do that sort of stuff with my other friends, and he just gets pissed at me. Saying things like if we really are friends then being that close shouldn't matter and he just freaks out at me.

 

So here is my real question - is he right? Is all of this stuff ok, or is it just odd? Because frankly, I don't know anymore. I feel like I am getting all of these mixed signals and it is really confusing.

[LucreziaBorgia]

It sounds like he just misses basic closeness and affection, and knows you well enough that he is comfortable getting that from you as long as you are under the understanding that it won't lead to anything else.

[crazychick]

I guess that is probably true, but it just makes me uncomfortable. To me, our relationship like that is over and if neither one of us want to get back together then why push the limits? I don't want to be with him in a physical way anymore, but I do love him and being close to him like that just makes me confused. I would rather just be friends, normal everyday friends without that stuff. If its over, then it should be over, right?

[johnflyr]

Honestly, he only wants to continue the sexual part of the relatonship, not the emotional part.

[crazychick]

No I don't think that is true. He hasn't tried to kiss me or make any type of physical advance really other than just the stuff I mentioned. Also, we talk every single day - but I don't see him all the time. In fact now that we have been friends, we have had so many conversations and emails that have been more meaningful and honest then we ever had when we were together. I mean, we are both very emotional with each other. He tells me everything, things no one else knows and I do the same with him. If this was about only being physical, then I think it would be different. We wouldn't be talking like this. And we would actually be sleeping together which we are not, and not kissing or anything at all. I know it is cliche for a girl not to believe that her guy is like that - but I really believe that he is not that way. Honestly.

[clandestinidad]

It sounds like he wants you to be everything he needs whenever he needs it. When he wants affection, he gets it from you. When he wants some company, you. When he wants to be taken care of, you.

 

I wonder what he does when YOU need someone....is it just one-sided, or is he there in every way for you too

 

It just seems like he wants the best friend, mother, sister, & girlfriend relationship with you, without being committed to you. It sounds very selfish to me

 

And when a girl he wants to date comes along he'll shove you aside and forget about you, and how you were everything he needed/wanted......I think he's using you

[crazychick]

You know what, kat23, I think you are right. My life is totally different than his. I have a big family and we are all close. I have a lot of really great friends. Typically when something happens in my life when I need someone, he isn't the first person that I call. I did go thru something pretty big a few weeks ago and he did listen to me and was there for me, but not the same way that I am for him.

 

I think that is it. I think he wants me to be all of these things for him, and take care of him for now. And honestly when he does meet someone, I think he will push me out. What is weird is how he also freakso out whenever I tell him I am going on a date and he doesn't want to hear about anyone else in my life. I used to think maybe he was just jealous - but what it probably is that he just doesn't want to face the possibility that if I find someone else, I would not be as attentive to him when he needs it. Wow. I just didn't see that before. I am so dumb.

[clandestinidad]

Nah, youre not dumb at all. Its hard for us to tell when someone's manipulating us. I think sometimes they dont even realize theyre doing it, making it harder for us to tell.

 

I'm glad to hear that you have other people in your life to turn to for things...thats good!

 

Also, I thought maybe it would be a good idea to still be there for him (b/c he doesnt have anyone) just not on the level that it has been lately

 

(and if he gets pissy about it you could tell him that unless ya'll are together, you wont do the things that a couple does)

[crazychick]

You know what else he does that is weird? He will call me, ask me to go do soemthing with him, then call me back and say he is tired and doesn't want to go out. Like just now - he called me, and asked me what I was doing. I told him my mom was over and she was leaving in a few mins. He told me to call him back when she left, so I did and then he didn't answer and for sure won't call. It is super annoying. I was not planing on seeing him or anything tonight. I actually had a date with this guy I really like. We went out to dinner and then he was going to his friends house and I went with my mom to pick up her new puppy.

 

But then he calls and I don't know its just weird and annoying. Like why say you want to go out, but then you don't. Or he doesn't want to go out with me, which is probably the case, but then why ask? Its so stupid.

[BeachQueen]

Can I ask you something?

 

Are you sure you don't have feelings for this guy?

 

I understand that you two are friends and you want to be there for him, but it seems as though you're almost playing the role of girlfriend (dropping things so you can be with him while he's sick, hanging out with him all night, ordering pizzas for him).

 

I have a lot of male friends (more than I have girlfriends) and if one of them was sick and asked me to keep them company I would stare at the phone and ask them if they were crazy (the same goes for "spooning"). It's just that there's a line between friendship and relationship. It seems as though the two of you don't have any type of definition or boundaries or rules. Your girlfriend keeps you company; your friend just calls and checks on you.

 

It does seem as though he is that guy that will get his love and affection and attention from his "friend", and when a new woman enters his life he'll forget everything you did for him.

 

I'm just wondering if you still care for him, b/c while you say you don't, your actions say something else.

[crazychick]

Its not that I have feelings for him. I care about him, I do but what it really is that he makes me feel guilty. He plays on my emotions. He gets depressed a lot and he is going thru all of these really huge things right now, and he says he needs me because he has no one else. So when I tell him I can't go out or I get in these arguements with him about why I can't sleep in the same bed with him and why I don't want to cuddle - he makes me feel like I am crazy or like this stuff is no big deal. He makes me feel bad, and sorry for him. He says things like I am the only one he can talk to, I am the only one he feels comfortable with, I am the only one who is there for him, I am the only one that he knows will do anything for him and protect him.

 

That makes me feel like he needs me. And I get scared of what will happen to him if I am not there. Part of me so much wants to be free of that. I am letting him do this to me. I wish he would meet someone else, and forget about me. If we could just be normal friends that would be great. I just don't know how to just say no, when I feel like I am being pressured to say yes.

 

Last night he did call me back at 3 am. 5 times. So I called him back at like 10 am, and he called me at 3 drunk. I just don't want to deal with it. I was sleeping and didn't know he called until this morning. Then this afternoon he calls me like nothing happened, wants to chat, and tonight he wants me to come over. Right now. Hang out at his house. I dont want to go. I just had another date with this great guy I went out with yesterday, and I really don't think it is far to him for me to go over to another guys house and hang out alone on a saturday night especially if we are going to really get in a relationship. I don't know. I have tried to tell this guy this stuff over and over, but he doesn't want to hear it. So do I just stop trying to be friends with him? Because I feel like he isn't really giving me a choice.

[LucreziaBorgia]

Maybe you can take a break from 'friends' for now. Let him know that you need some time alone ('no contact' time) to get your head and heart back together since this "friends" thing is causing you more pain than necessary. If he is TRULY your friend, he will understand and respect your need for some alone time to get straight. If he pouts, whines, or tries any other emotional blackmail, then you'll know that his intent isn't to be your friend, so much as it is to use you as a security blanket. Then your 'no contact' will be more a way for you to clear him out of your system.

[runner]

sounds like one of those 'friends' that only seem to come around when they got some emotional baggage they want you to carry for them - otherwise you hardly hear from them. i know that 'doormat' feeling cos i'm in (or was, rather) a similar situation. one day i just got tired of being Dr. Open Ear and declined to hang out all the time.

 

good luck with your patient. oh, and IMHO, you best reconsider being too close with someone you dated; that could seriously backfire if he hasn't truly moved on emotionally.