My boyfriend's brother moved in with us and I'm miserable. Long

[supersot]

I posted this in family but no one has responded in over 24 hours so hopefully you guys can help me here... It's a combination between family and dating.

 

 

Let me start out by saying that I love my boyfriend. Let’s call him John to make this easier. We have been together almost 2 years, and have discussed marriage. John is a really smart, attractive, interesting guy who appears as a really great catch. He doesn't cheat on me and he doesn't treat me badly. The problem is his family.

 

When John was 18, his mom went to jail for embezzlement. They were living in a rich Massachusetts town and playing the game keeping up with the Joneses. The mom was embezzling over $1m from her job and John and his siblings had Louis Vuitton everything, Range Rovers, BMWs anything you can think of. John was the youngest, so when she left for jail at that age, John was left alone in the house as a senior in high school. This has definitely affected him in his life, and he has this weird bond/needy relationship with his mother which annoys me of couse, as he sees him mom as a saint. The mother still has tons of problems of course. She basically lives with a rich guy who she doesn't love, is an extreme alcoholic, and all of his siblings (including my bf) still accept money that they know belongs to the mother's boyfriend and not the mother whenever they need something. Her mom holds this over everyone's head all the time, which John's sister and brother don’t care about, but John does, and he tries to anything to please her. They talk to each other on the phone everyday and he listens to her complain and listens to all her personal problems that usually a son shouldn’t have to know about.

 

A few months ago, John’s sister [31] drove to the mother’s house and dropped off her 2 geriatric toy poodles because she got kicked out of her apartment so had to move in with HER bf’s mother. Of course John's mother can't keep the poodles since she lives in her boyfriend's house, so John's mother guilt trips John and I taking the dogs temporarily in our tiny Brooklyn apartment. She says if she doesn't get rid of them then she'll get kicked out too, and of course would have to come stay with us. I say this is fine, because I'd rather have the poodles than his mother living with us, but I set a deadline of only a month for his sister to get her **** together and get a new apartment so she can take them back.

 

The dogs come in they are all dirty, neglected, and matted with super long toenails, and they pee everywhere. This causes me and my boyfriend obviously to fight a lot.

 

Six weeks later, the dogs are still there with no light at the end of the tunnel of them being gone... I tell John if the dogs don't go, I'm going to go. John has his best friend take them back to Massachusetts, and the moms boyfriend ends up spending thousands of dollars renting the loser sister an apartment.

 

 

Things eventually get better with John…Until his older brother [30] who lives in Virginia says he wants to move to NY because he hates living in Virginia so much and is super depressed. I always got along fine with the brother. The brother seems to have his **** together. He has a job where he makes 100k a year and comes across as if he has money. John asks if the brother can stay with us while he finds a new job in NYC. I say sure, but only for 6 weeks. We had just moved into a large, beautiful single family house in Brooklyn, and we had the space, unlike our old apartment. So the next day, the brother quits his job, gives 20 days notice to his roommate, and then a day later breaks his foot in 3 places while he was out with friends drunk.

 

 

We then find out he has no money saved, as he thought he was so valuable at his job, they would allow him to work a month longer so he could save, but no. They told him as soon as he quit he could leave. John drives down to Virginia to help him move since he can’t walk with his broken foot.

 

 

The brother moves in with us. At first it’s fine, but then as he gets more comfortable, he starts leaving dishes, eating our food…I go to make coffee and the pound of coffee I had bought 10 days earlier is gone, and there’s no filters left. This becomes extremely reoccurring. I have John tell him he needs to keep his sh*t clean. Brother now officially has no money so the mom is sending $$ in 200 dollar increments a few times a week. He uses this money to get drunk everyday and go out with girls on Tinder. He meets a girl he brings to our house and John and I can’t stand her. She sleeps over a few times and I tell John no way. John goes away for the weekend and the brother and Tinder girl entirely highjack my living room for 24 hours eating and watching TV. I am super annoyed, but I leave the house anyway and go shopping just because there’s really no where I can hang out in own my house with these 2 staked out.

 

Fast forward a week, my best friend visits from L.A. John, the brother and I are sitting at a restaurant up the street and John is telling my best friend about the Tinder girl and how obnoxious she is. We are all kind of joking about the girl because she is one of those social warrior justice girls who is a vegan...Yet she was eating Cheez-its that whole weekend on my couch... The brother tries defending her etc. He says right in front of me, “John every single girlfriend you’ve had, I don’t agree with, but I never comment to you about it” I take this VERY personally. He doesn’t have to like me, but he doesn’t have to say this in front of me while he living for free in MY house. I get up and leave and basically tell him to eff off. He tries apologizing profusely and says he didn’t mean ME and thinks of me not as a girlfriend of John but like family. I tell him “whatever” basically. I feel apologizing was his only choice out of 2 choices.

He either 1. apologizes 2. goes to move in with his mom out of state with no job and a broken foot...Rent free in NYC sounds pretty fun....To make a long story short, I am REALLY starting to resent my boyfriend for ALL of this bullsh*t and I don’t know what to do. He is starting to resent me, as he doesn't know what he can do to make it better since I refuse to speak to the brother.

 

TL;DR I [35/f] hate my bf’s [28/m] family, and it is making me question the entire relationship’s future and resent my bf

[darkmoon]

have I got this right?

 

you hate the brother so much that you do not speak to him - and yet you expect your boyfriend not to feel unconfortable?

 

they all need a family conference (his mother included) about the brother, instigate that and join in, talk plans for the future and take the initiative in listing options for the brother, in a pleasant businesslike way, obvsly

 

seems like you're the kid sister atmo, courtesy of the two brothers, so man up a bit

Edited August 27, 2017 by darkmoon

[supersot]

Hey Darkmoon,

Thank you for response..I appreciate you taking the time to read my (absurdly long) post..

I'm not really following your advice though.

No, I didnt hate the brother until I feel he insulted me...or else I wouldnt have initially agreed for him to move in(for 6 weeks)

I definitely dont expect my bf to feel uncomfortable either (or have to choose) but unfortunately it's an uncomfortable situation for all I would assume.

How am I like a little sister?

I dont understand.

[darkmoon]

I asked you specifically if you expect your boyf to feel comfortable, and you diffused the question to apply it to all of you - concentrate on your boyf

 

if you assume your boyf is siding with you over his brother, well, you are taking a lot for granted, but that is up to you to decide, two brothers...

 

I say start talking to both of them, in saying kid sister, I meant the role you seem to be acting out, so have that pleasant businesslike family meeting

 

you do not seem to like any of his family, tbh, but this is not something you have to make a fuss over, just call his mother as she has the money to help brother move out, once his leg is better, he is her responsibilty

 

just don't act out any dislike, as you are with the brother, you may not like him, but stop thinking anybody else in the picture will thank you for it

Edited August 27, 2017 by darkmoon

[kendahke]

What his mother does to make ends meet has nothing to do with you. She's not living with you. Who she sends money to, also, is none of your business and is non sequitur to this topic.

 

Does brother pay rent to stay there or did you two let him move in without agreeing to an amount?

 

As far as what he said, yeah, that was messed up. Are you prepared to pack him up and put him out on the street and change the locks? If you're that pissed with him, then do that. Eff what John has to say. Clearly he's not about checking his brother, so you're going have to to take charge of your house and do what you need to do.

[Ieris]

She basically lives with a rich guy who she doesn't love, is an extreme alcoholic...

 

What does this have to do with you?

 

... and the moms boyfriend ends up spending thousands of dollars renting the loser sister an apartment.

 

Why do you need to be so nasty about it? Not like the money is coming out of your pocket.

 

I tell John if the dogs don't go, I'm going to go.

 

Speechless

 

He says right in front of me, “John every single girlfriend you’ve had, I don’t agree with, but I never comment to you about it”

 

For the brother to say that, you lot must have crossed the line which you seem to have missed out in your initial post. You don't jump from joking about the tinder girl to him retaliating like that.

 

I take this VERY personally.

 

Not everything is about you.

 

He tries apologizing profusely and says he didn’t mean ME and thinks of me not as a girlfriend of John but like family.

 

You overreacted and because you were resentful towards the brother in the first place you weren't going to listen to anything he has to say.

 

I [35/f] hate my bf’s [28/m] family

 

His mother may have made some mistakes but she remains in contact and helps her kids when she can, so I don't understand why so much hate??? Everyone is dealt different cards in life and sometimes people make poor choices, but that doesn't mean you need to look down on them. What does that say about you?

 

Despite you trying to paint a bad picture of his family... it actually makes you look very bad instead. So I'm sorry if I don't sympathize with you and will finish by saying, if you're hateful towards everything you're bound to be miserable.

[kendahke]

She basically lives with a rich guy who she doesn't love, is an extreme alcoholic...

 

What does this have to do with you?

 

... and the moms boyfriend ends up spending thousands of dollars renting the loser sister an apartment.

 

Why do you need to be so nasty about it? Not like the money is coming out of your pocket.

 

I tell John if the dogs don't go, I'm going to go.

 

Speechless

 

He says right in front of me, “John every single girlfriend you’ve had, I don’t agree with, but I never comment to you about it”

 

For the brother to say that, you lot must have crossed the line which you seem to have missed out in your initial post. You don't jump from joking about the tinder girl to him retaliating like that.

 

I take this VERY personally.

 

Not everything is about you.

 

He tries apologizing profusely and says he didn’t mean ME and thinks of me not as a girlfriend of John but like family.

 

You overreacted and because you were resentful towards the brother in the first place you weren't going to listen to anything he has to say.

 

I [35/f] hate my bf’s [28/m] family

 

His mother may have made some mistakes but she remains in contact and helps her kids when she can, so I don't understand why so much hate??? Everyone is dealt different cards in life and sometimes people make poor choices, but that doesn't mean you need to look down on them. What does that say about you?

 

Despite you trying to paint a bad picture of his family... it actually makes you look very bad instead. So I'm sorry if I don't sympathize with you and will finish by saying, if you're hateful towards everything you're bound to be miserable.

 

Cosign ^^^^

[Popsicle]

Since none of them lived around the corner while you were dating for 2 years, you are just now starting to really get to know your bf and his family. It is a package deal. You happily take them all on as they are, or you leave this man.

 

Trust me, you're not going to change them. I tried to change my ex-bf and his family dynamic because I hated it. I realized early that it was futile and I was the only one who would end up frustrated.

[supersot]

Thanks for your replies guys

 

Ieris

 

What does this have to do with you?

You are correct- very little other than her telling this to my boyfriend several times a week that she can't take it anymore and may have to come stay with us. So yes, sorry, that does affect me.

 

Why do you need to be so nasty about it? Not like the money is coming out of your pocket.

 

You are correct, but it's because I am angry, and I also don't see how people in the 30's can't pay for their own apartment, but yes, noted. You're right.

 

Speechless

 

Why? What's the alternative? It wasn't a "threat" I was actually going to leave because I was unhappy and I was communicating that with him. I have that right. If I sat back and said nothing, I guarantee the dogs AND his brother would be in my house right now.

 

Not everything is about you.

 

Where have I been selfish in this entire situation? It's not all about me, sure, but I DO get a say.

 

You overreacted and because you were resentful towards the brother in the first place you weren't going to listen to anything he has to say.

 

You are absolutely 100% correct. I wish I handled it differently, I acted out of emotion. But here I am unfortunately.

 

His mother may have made some mistakes but she remains in contact and helps her kids when she can, so I don't understand why so much hate??? Everyone is dealt different cards in life and sometimes people make poor choices, but that doesn't mean you need to look down on them. What does that say about you?

Despite you trying to paint a bad picture of his family... it actually makes you look very bad instead. So I'm sorry if I don't sympathize with you and will finish by saying, if you're hateful towards everything you're bound to be miserable

 

Let's just say I diagree with you here.

[supersot]

What his mother does to make ends meet has nothing to do with you. She's not living with you. Who she sends money to, also, is none of your business and is non sequitur to this topic.

 

Does brother pay rent to stay there or did you two let him move in without agreeing to an amount?

 

As far as what he said, yeah, that was messed up. Are you prepared to pack him up and put him out on the street and change the locks? If you're that pissed with him, then do that. Eff what John has to say. Clearly he's not about checking his brother, so you're going have to to take charge of your house and do what you need to do.

 

You're right- who she sends money to is not my business.

The brother was supposed to be paying rent, but he has not contributed anything in the past month.

 

And you are absolutely right, John will not "check" his brother, and I am delusional to think this will actually change anytime soon.

[Ruby Slippers]

I agree with Popsicle. Family dynamics are ingrained and entrenched, having been in play for many years, since birth. Your boyfriend's relationships and dynamics with his family aren't likely to change much. Accept him and his family as they are, or move on.

[smackie9]

Supersot I am 100% on your side regardless of everyone elses opinion and comments.

 

A relationship is a partnership, especially when you are living together. His family are a bunch of losers, yes I said it. They are freeloading losers. And yes it becomes your business when it started to affect your life, your relationship, your personal space, your home, your happiness and your well being.

 

I totally understand why you brought up about the mom giving them money and how she gets it and her past history...all you are doing is just painting a picture of the dynamics of his family to give us an idea what you are up against, and you have no intention of expecting anyone to "change". That isn't why you are here so I don't know why everyone is jumping all over you. You come here for advice not slamming.

 

You have every right to be upset on how things have gone. You feel you have been disrespected and taken advantage of and your BF is not sticking up for you. He has no spine, and can't be a man and say no to the unrealistic demands put on him. Since he is the responsible one in this f'd up family of his, has good living arrangements, money, job, and a GF that is financially stable, his family has targeted you both to freeload off of. Yes they are using him/you, and they know he won't say no to them...he is being taken advantage of because that is how they operate. So thank you for giving all this info because it helps a lot when giving advice.

 

Your BF's behavior/ and relationship to his mother is because he was abandoned by her. Her being sent to jail was traumatizing to him, regardless of her immoral poor judgement. That's why he clings onto her, it's that deep fear of losing her again. Childhood trauma leaves an ever lasting imprint into adulthood. He really needs counseling or he will never snap out of this behavior. It's like every time she contacts him, it keeps him mentally as a child for that time of trauma. The daily contact is her way of making sure she has that control over him. Remember this is how she handles people around her. She is a narcissist, and is only out for herself, and can even use her own children to get what she wants. You think she gives money out of love? No it's all about control. The money keeps them around and dependent on her. Anyone in their right mind would tell them to grow the F up and to survive on their own...they are grown a$$ adults.

 

My advice is for you to walk away for your own sanity. You sound like a lovely person, with her s%^$ together. I feel you deserve better, much much better. Family is a package deal and just think what it's going to be like if you two do get married and have kids....ask yourself, do you want your children exposed to this dysfunctional bs? Get out now!

Edited August 28, 2017 by smackie9

[d0nnivain]

The BF is picking his blood family which is understandable. You have every right to be upset at the back behavior but you have to recognize that this won't ever change. If you don't want the package deal, think about jettisoning in the BF. Make sure you can get out of the lease.

[kendahke]

You're right- who she sends money to is not my business.

The brother was supposed to be paying rent, but he has not contributed anything in the past month.

 

And you are absolutely right, John will not "check" his brother, and I am delusional to think this will actually change anytime soon.

 

 

Sounds like it's time to serve bro with an eviction notice.

 

With John, you're taking on his entire family, so you're going to either have to find a way to deal with this and be content and happy with John or figure out a way to get out of that place you're in. If John won't stand sentry to his and your home's boundaries, then this is a lost cause and you're going to be spending more time being pissed and driving up your blood pressure over bro and the rest of the family.

 

Peace in the mind, heart and home--should be everyone's goal.

[supersot]

Supersot I am 100% on your side regardless of everyone elses opinion and comments.

 

A relationship is a partnership, especially when you are living together. His family are a bunch of losers, yes I said it. They are freeloading losers. And yes it becomes your business when it started to affect your life, your relationship, your personal space, your home, your happiness and your well being.

 

I totally understand why you brought up about the mom giving them money and how she gets it and her past history...all you are doing is just painting a picture of the dynamics of his family to give us an idea what you are up against, and you have no intention of expecting anyone to "change". That isn't why you are here so I don't know why everyone is jumping all over you. You come here for advice not slamming.

 

You have every right to be upset on how things have gone. You feel you have been disrespected and taken advantage of and your BF is not sticking up for you. He has no spine, and can't be a man and say no to the unrealistic demands put on him. Since he is the responsible one in this f'd up family of his, has good living arrangements, money, job, and a GF that is financially stable, his family has targeted you both to freeload off of. Yes they are using him/you, and they know he won't say no to them...he is being taken advantage of because that is how they operate. So thank you for giving all this info because it helps a lot when giving advice.

 

Your BF's behavior/ and relationship to his mother is because he was abandoned by her. Her being sent to jail was traumatizing to him, regardless of her immoral poor judgement. That's why he clings onto her, it's that deep fear of losing her again. Childhood trauma leaves an ever lasting imprint into adulthood. He really needs counseling or he will never snap out of this behavior. It's like every time she contacts him, it keeps him mentally as a child for that time of trauma. The daily contact is her way of making sure she has that control over him. Remember this is how she handles people around her. She is a narcissist, and is only out for herself, and can even use her own children to get what she wants. You think she gives money out of love? No it's all about control. The money keeps them around and dependent on her. Anyone in their right mind would tell them to grow the F up and to survive on their own...they are grown a$$ adults.

 

My advice is for you to walk away for your own sanity. You sound like a lovely person, with her s%^$ together. I feel you deserve better, much much better. Family is a package deal and just think what it's going to be like if you two do get married and have kids....ask yourself, do you want your children exposed to this dysfunctional bs? Get out now!

 

 

Thank you so much- I agree the backstory is needed here..and trust me there is more...lol but I was just trying to paint a general picture of what I am up against. I don't mean to sound hateful, but I just feel his family is an entitled bunch of a$sholes and it's relevant to my story.

I am at the point where I wish I never signed the lease with him, and will likely see what happens in the next few months, but if things get worse I am going to talk to my landlord about breaking the lease and moving on. I am not sure of this because I, (big surprise) make double the amount annually than my boyfriend. He was supposed to discuss with his brother what his plans will be for moving out, but if that has happened, he hasn't made me privy to the info. I am tired of asking because he just gets mad. My plan is to focus on myself and pursue interests outside of my home for now after work.

Thanks for your help smackie9!

xx